Unreformable Muddle

Shut Down....

2011-04-02T09:54:00.004+08:00

The body seems to be moving.....moving real fast. It's so fast that I cannot remember what I was about to say or what happened the past minute.

Sleep...experienced insomnia for the first time in years and it feels shitty.

Relationships....These are what keeps me going, but all I remember is fixing them and I'm tired of fixing them.

Sex...served 2000 miles away....

Last post on this blog. The New & anonymous blog begins !

Go Kiss The World - 1

2011-01-22T16:55:00.001+08:00

10^th Dec was my last working day at an organization that I have given my all. Until I met my fiancé who moved right to the top of my priority list, work had me at hello and kept me there for 30 months or so. During this period, I evolved, I deteriorated, I lost my head, I lost my cool, I learnt a little more about the world, about how people operate, about how I operate, about superiors, what they are made of , about give & take, racism and mostly about life and balance.

I was given a book by an authoritative figure in the organization who I respect and look up to which remained untouched till last week for numerous reason, firstly due to the lack of time and then due to the sheer disinterest of the initial content of the book.

I started reading the book last Saturday when my fiancé decided to mess around with his DJ gear and I had to stay put for a good 4-5 hours. Those 5 hours and the few hours he is doing the same today, while I finish the last few pages of the same book makes me feel one with him, the world, the system and a lot of things. A notch lower than Nirvana wouldn’t be a wrong statement at all. I just wish I could light a cigarette or even a stick of trip [Grin]

Go Kiss The World by Subroto Bagchi is definitely a book not to be missed. Though the first 100 pages were beyond a bore every single page there onwards was content to be grasped, which I’m inspired to share with who ever who stumbles upon this blog.

[Page 101]

Selling & negotiation skills are intertwined. A sale without a negotiation is like courtship without romance. The negotiation skills we learn in selling become essential as one grows in any profession. You negotiate with your boss, peers, children and sometimes with complete strangers. While life is about constant negotiation, only selling teaches you the nuance of negotiation.

[Page 102]

A salesperson learn to take rejection as a way of life. Sometimes, a customer ca be downright abusive. Yet, a good salesperson learn that the real meaning of a ‘No’ is ‘Now Now’.

[Page 104]

We all have some talent in us, be it signing, writing, painting or sculpting. If we nuture and cherish it, it makes our life fuller. Yet so many of us choose the uni-dimensionality of a work life, always citing lack of time to pursue a hobby.

[Page 117]

‘How loaded are you? ‘

‘Only when you are 120% loaded will you be 100% effective.’

[Page 121]

It is interesting how quickly seasons change in the corporate world. What was priority yesterday may not be priority today and your past glory is only as relevant as the current war.

[Page 147]

‘I leant that the first rule for managing is to listen. This is something most bosses fins difficult to do because they do not know that in order to listen, you must suspend all judgment.’

‘He also taught me the meaning if humility, that knowledge and arrogance are antiethical. To be a good leader, one must first be a good human being.’

‘I learnt that the key was not to react to what had happened. Whatever the incident, you had to learn to absorb all the details and then figure out the subsequent damage control.’

[Page 153]

A leader must not take decisions under fraught circumstances. Always insist on some more time so that you can take a considered view, stepping away from the moment of high emotion. No decision is without risk, but when you take the time to think things through, you take very few regrettable decisions.

[Page 159]

A great leader has the power to attract and retain talent that is better than him in many aspects. He does not get insecure when surrounding himself with a top performing team. Yet, the better team, the higher the incidence of idiosyncrasy among team members.

A leader’s job is to focus on what is delivered, not on what a person’s quirks are. Competence to do a job has far greater weightage than personal reverence.

[Page 163]

One of the most common signs is discontent with life or the very same lifestyle that gave you happiness for many years. There is a sense of boredom with people who hitherto held your interest or dominated your life. These could be close friends, professional associates, a role model or relatives at home. Some people feel highly adventurous and want to do something completely different……..

[Page 172]

There is nothing more painful in life than to see your gods fail. The teacher you once loved and respected and considered the last post of integrity turns out to be an ordinary, vulnerable, favour-seeking man. The honest-to-the-core role model in the family turns out to be nothing more than a self serving individual putting on a façade, whose sense of morality is specific to a given time and space. It is the inevitability of growing up without which we cannot become complete human beings.

More on the book on the next post…….

Another Year Begins !

2011-01-01T11:02:00.002+08:00

As wonderful as year 2010 was it was a year filled with mental trauma, uncertainties and insecurities. Just because I do not display them doesn't mean that I never feel them. Insecurities...they broke me in to a million little pieces and fixed me back perfectly well at the end. For the first time in my entire life, I felt like porcelain...very breakable and vulnerable.

2010 was a year where a lot of hard work had to be continuously and consistently put in to keep myself afloat, such as jogging at 6 am, consuming too much fizzy drinks, excessive smoking, Vodka, Whiskey, Tequila & Wine, dating useless creatures, turning vegan...and the list is endless.

10 more working days at my present job, and I leave plenty things behind. When a large bunch of individuals are desperately hunting for jobs in the UAE, I am more than desperately hoping my present job will let me go without too much drama.

With an unclouded mind, I step in to year 2011 with much anticipation and ambition to finish pending projects which were left hanging on a rotting piece of thread for over 5 years.

A brand new job, a brand new ride, a brand new life with a wonderful man.....2011 Rock me good baby !

Alpha & Omega

2010-11-27T05:12:00.003+08:00

The 12 day short vacation has come to an end, where I fly back to UAE tomorrow. The last few hours spent with him felt fucked up and disoriented. He has slowly, yet steadily become my North & South, Alpha & Omega and my everything.

With a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and a snot filled nose, I ask the universe to make life happen with him, faster than a speeding bullet.

Don’t I Wanna Be Anywhere Else But Here?

2010-09-19T11:19:00.002+08:00

It is the third time I got up from my seat to light a cigarette, but forgot all about it, got occupied with something else and came back to resume or rather commence blogging. I don’t know if blogging and the cigarette would make me feel any better afterwards, but I’m hoping it would.

Was dragged to the beach after much retaliation late in the fucking morning by a good friend and an old flame. I am feeling feverish and fucked up though there was no serious dipping being done. I conveniently stayed on the shore whilst the boys played ball in the middle of the sea. It was relaxing though I now feel like a piece of over grilled chicken drumstick.

I asked myself a million times why I had left him, rejected him and refused to visualize a future with him before. He was a lot of things I wanted, simple, old fashioned, persevering, though he doesn’t listen to the same music, watch the same movies or read the same books. I have been asking myself for days if these things are actually important, but I haven’t been able to come up with a satisfying answer till date. For now, all I am aware is that I have been and am in awe at what his inner being is made of. Is there an outer being at all?

I have always liked English films and books by Indian producers and writers. There is something about their productions that you will never find in a western artist. While hunting for books I came across a book which looked like just another time pass read “one night @ the call centre” by Chetan Bhagat, which I couldn’t eventually keep down until every page was read. Not that I had ever worked at a call centre to really earn a living but there was something about the book that touched or disturbed me. Love, choices, or a boorish management I cannot really figure out. An almost well written book. He could have jolly well done a better job with it. About to go on to “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert and then on to “48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene.

Turning 27 in approximately 40 days time and everybody has pressed the panic button, except for me. I have just started the elimination process [evil grin]. Most people, when deciding on a suitable match list down everything they like in the so called ideal counterpart, which I too have done countless number of times only to find myself even more confused than ever. A colleague who seems to have some smart theories about men, keeping them and eliminating them had a different strategy which sounded worth trying and was definitely worth trying.

Strategy:

List down the good and the bad of each of the potential candidates instead and voila everything suddenly seemed clear. Managed to eliminate a good 5 who will never be considered ever again.

Material Boy

Me : Told him I was in deep shit financially and though I liked him a lot I didn’t wanna commit since I wouldn’t be able to give my 100% with the strategic payment plan I had to follow [balls]!

Instead of saying he doesn’t really care about stupid materialistic things or my networth, he had the nerve to tell me that my plan to stick to my payment plan was not stupid at all, in fact very wise

My suspicion he was materialistic beyond my liking was confirmed.

Lankan Boy With An Outa The Blue Accent

Nice guy, absolute survivor, romantic as hell, sweet as chocolate, would be loyal, loving and everything a woman wants. They never come in separate packages without these…. possessive, neurotic, paranoid etc..

Liar Boy

The urge to lie about his parents, background and minute things definitely isn’t a plus point, neither does him being a Libran.

Indian Boy

Say yes, please go out with me for you’re the first girl I ever dared like or ask. Not a good enough reason. On the other hand, his need to curl the ‘r’ at the end of each word would drive me clinically insane.

Self Proclaimed White Boy

Libran and an arse.

That’s how easy the elimination process was. It’s not what I want but all about what they are.

Three cigarettes and a blog after my brain feels less cluttered, but the sinking feeling still resides comfortably at the pits of my belly. It must to be an unreachable, deep, dark and lonely place for I can’t seem to reach out and tug it out of me. I can’t figure out what’s wrong or what it is that I really want right now… a new job, a new game or a different work-out routine?

Clean Suits & Duffel Bags

2010-06-19T13:07:00.001+08:00

It’s the second night in the new apartment and it will take a while to get settled and cozy. I was amazed and taken back by the strength I had when shifting the entire room, everything that had helped me live comfortable for the past three years. Two refrigerators, truck load of clothes, books, boxes all transported with a single flat trolley and a regular shopping cart all with nothing but my bare naked hands. It reminded me as to why I didn’t need a man (at least for the time being) , it is obvious that no man I had met until today now could ever match up to the kind of living on the edge lifestyle I am cut out to live and am living. It keeps me ticking, on my toes and more than anything it is fun.

His entire being just catches me off guard simply coz he looks like HIM. That face, that look, that oozing ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’, that refined, mature & humble nature, the full suit with the duffel bag.......I think I like the idea of watching, admiring, criticizing or whatever than to really get involved in the entire situation, let alone desire any involvement.

I wish ‘Mr. Have-It-All-Together’ made me feel the same way. I think I still have feelings for him, but as for getting stuck with him for the rest of my life…NO-CHANCE –IN-HELL !!!! He is amazing in a lot of ways, may be every woman’s dream, but just not mine. I waited long, ditched plenty, not to settle for second best. A part of me wanted to say ‘Yes, let’s work things out’, but a louder voice kept saying….’He ain’t the one, don’t waste your time, let it go and let it go for good’ and that’s exactly what I did.

I managed to add a few more pages on to the book this afternoon. This course I’m taking seems to be diverting my very being and it is sad. I have deliberately stopped myself from feeling, from really listening or speaking. It is true that the best experiences in life take place when you let yourself feel, go with the flow and don’t really care whether or not you’re making a fool of yourself. Then, at one point, you stop being yourself, you become rigid, you become what the world wants you to be, you stop thinking for yourself, you stop wanting for yourself.

That’s the fucking problem…..I can’t let myself go, not right now, I need to finish what I came here for, but it is taking me a little more time than intended, coz instead of falling in love with oil money, perks, benefits and scrounging stupid entities based on sinking sandy patches, I have fallen in love with a job, a fucking job, not even a man, but a fucking job!

I wonder if he means everything he says. I wonder what he really wants out of life. I wonder from where all those catty comments come from. I wonder if he really cares and respects people genuinely. I wonder if he ever looks further than just a couple of days & months, I wonder if what other people say is right. Would he really make it? Hasn’t he already made it? I want to sit and wonder plenty things about him, but it doesn’t seem to matter when I see a smile perking out of that otherwise stern face. I’ve heard the worst, I seen the worst, but it doesn’t matter. I just wanna dish out what I couldn’t for myself and then fucking run and hide.

I wish and wish I could sit in a dark corner and enjoy the world than be in it. It is a funny funny circus and people are a bunch of clowns. It would help if they knew which hoop they are expected to conquer next. It must be entertaining for the mean-streaked-idiot upstairs to watch everyone mess things up. May be the books got it all wrong afterall….may be, just may be, the devil actually won the world over and is up there ruling the world. May be the devil is actually a woman !

And Then It All Ended........

2010-04-24T19:52:00.004+08:00

Some of the best decisions are made using much of the heart and less of the head. I made a huge one today and it feels great. It's been on my mind for the past 6 months or so. Looking back, it feels crazy to have sat on a single decision for a good 150 days, but the point is, that it is finally made and done with. Tonight I sleep in peace, with nothing bothering my mind or soul. Do I feel guilty? Ahem.. probably just as guilty as as having over eaten ice cream.

What have I to lose and what have I to gain? There comes a point when you just don't care about your gains and losses, but follow your heart and only your heart and trust the universe to take you to your next destination.

The world has stopped spinning around me. My mind is clear and there are no emotions taking over, other than just a glint of sadness. It feels like a crappy ending of a beautiful relationship that just couldn't stand the test of time.

People function beautifully when there is absence of fear. They blossom in to pretty lil flowers, rare & exotic, but it's a cycle, they eventually whither & die.

Red Box - A Taste of Sri Lanka Indeed

2010-04-10T00:06:00.006+08:00

Had to put in to words the awesomeness of the Sri Lankan food relished at Red Box located in Qusais, while the food is still in my belly. The much anticipated trip was finally made this evening.

Ambiance - Not so Sri Lankan, Chef Lanka does it better. The modern hip hop and pop played was a turn off, but the waiters are friendly, and overall the place is homely.

Variety - Not too many, probably coz it's still a virgin venture.

Drawbacks - No rice and curry during dinner, no buffet and no Ginger Beer :(

But on the whole it was heaven on earth for us deprived Sri Lankans in Dubai and away from the hub. And so the order for two went like this.....

String hoppers - AED 12

Hoppers (4 plain and one egg hopper) - AED 12

Prawn Curry - AED 16

Beef Curry (Spicy as hell) - AED 16

Wood Apple Drink - AED 8 each

Tea (as per the typical Sri Lankan flavour) - AED 2.50 each

Thrilled and way over the moon to finally have a Sri Lankan restaurant which is cheap, clean and scrumptious in the neighbourhood. Unfortunately, they do not deliver during the day and I don't eat solids during the night......either way, can't wait to go back for the second experience.

Must I Shoot the World or Must I shoot Myself ?!?

2010-03-06T03:32:00.004+08:00

The much awaited 'Alice in Wonderland' was an absolute disappointment. It took me down the same rabbit hole I’ve been plenty of times before. Was expecting something magical and a lil outa the ordinary, probably something similar to 'Charley and the Chocolate Factory’.

Managed to squeeze in entertainment, grocery shopping , laundry, cooking, catching a lil shut eye, jogging and pampering the much deserving moi in to the measly 24+ hours I have for my self, but I ain’t entirely done.

Total number of hours in a week - 168 hrs

Work (9 ½ x 6) - (57 hrs)

Commuting back and forth to work (2x6) - (12 hrs)

Sleep (8x7) - (56 hrs)

Hour’s left for Judy’s lil world to function - 43 hrs

(which comprises of 24 hrs on Fridays and approximately 4 hrs a day during the rest of the 6 days).

Tired, drained and slowly and steadily becoming unproductive. There is no energy or time to think, time to manifest, time to get creative or organized or time to grow. I wish the world would stop, just for a while, so that I can catch up.

The Ideal Man !!!

2010-02-19T00:40:00.003+08:00

Left for Sri Lanka on the 9th last for a very short annual leave of 5 days which ended on the 14th. The length of the holiday definitely didn’t tamper with the eventfulness it had to offer. Flew the rickety old budget airline Mihin Lanka which belonged to the so-called president of Sri Lanka, to whom I am grateful for serving Vegetable Biriyani at the height of hunger.

Other than the parent types I was thrilled to meet and mingle with, I was privileged enough to meet with a beautiful soul, kinda brilliant yet kinda lost. Devious as he though he was, I saw through him……he was struggling to pick up the pieces and paste them together. His beauty dazzled me and carried me a few yards before I realized I had to wake myself up and run for my life, coz just as the old saying goes every rose has it’s own thorns’, this rose too had quite a bunch of thorns sticking out from the wrong places. I didn’t uproot the rose, I just chopped my hands off to stop myself from reaching out for it.

This trip has filled me with a strange sense of joy and fulfillment and a deeper sense of satisfaction than what I had ever felt during the previous trips I’ve experienced, some which were much longer stays. Yet, amidst all that fullness, I can’t help feeling a strong sense of hollow emptiness as if something has been sucked out of me without my consent.

The much dreaded subject, marriage was one of the prominent topics which surrounded me. As usual I negotiated for this year to find this spasticated man people are longing to see me end up with. With none, not even myself knowing what the heck I’m looking for, the mother dearest and I decided to jot down a check list of the must and must have nots of the so called Mr. Right.

1. Simple
2. Witty
3. Speaks the same language
4. No God, spirituality accepted
5. Believes in positive thinking, manifestation, black magic, white magic, mental warfare
6. Outdoorsy
7. Tanned
8. Not vertically challenged
9. Not horizontally expanded
10. No IT personnel, no doctors, no engineers, PR, marketing, entertainment, lawyers just might be considered.
11. Simple but classy dress code no baggy pants shimmery shimmery nonsense
12. Must respect his roots and parents, but not a mummy’s boy
13. MUST read
14. A one woman man !
15. Must be able to drive, fix the plumbing, clean, do his own laundry and cook for survival.
16. Broad and strong minded
17. Must have at least tried Ciggies, Booz and Ganja…(What’s the use of a man if you cannot roll up a stick and bask in the glory of hallucination)?
18. MUST love animals, four legged fury creatures to be specific
19. Must be ethical in all his dealings and passionate about his chosen career.
20. Though exterior yet sensitive within, empathetic, emotionally available yet a strong personality.
21. Family oriented
22. MUST respect women
23. Gift of the Gab, Wit in his hand and not a mute ass!
24. Must know the ABCs of quoting
25. Easy going
26. Independent

Being the least interested in a long time commitment right now and convinced that all above traits can never be found in the same garbage bin……I decide to live for the moment and let the stupid adults worry about the ever so joyous singleness I enjoy and am planning to enjoy for the next few years.

The Running.................

2010-01-26T23:30:00.004+08:00

After years of running....running and running........this is what has become of me........'A COMMITMENT PHOBIC’. And why did I think of googling about crap like this? Coz I can’t breath, my nostrils feel blocked and my throat feels narrow and food just doesn’t seem to be a requirement any more. The thought of getting trapped in a relationship errrrrrks me.......and I’m running outa time, according to plenty concerned souls. What am I gonna tell all the good people waiting to see who I end up with? "Sorry......you just gotta wait a lil loooooongeeer" ?, The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves. Some of the most typical symptoms of commitment phobia involve the commitment to relationships.

Where someone has a fear of committing to relationships, this may happen at the very start of the relationship (or even before), or may develop once the relationship is established
Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship.

In this situation (where the commitment phobic feels the emotional feelings of fear and entrapment), it is often as the result of the partner in the relationship saying that they want to progress the relationship to the next level… “Let’s move in together”, “let’s get engaged”, “why don’t we try for a baby?”

As already mentioned, there are many, many different ways that commitment phobia can manifest itself, so when we talk about symptoms of commitment phobia, do bear in mind that these are only an indication of the most typical symptoms.

Criticism of a Partner

The person with commitment phobia may be extremely critical of their partner, the environment the relationship is in, or of the relationship itself.

- “We couldn’t possibly have a baby, you chose this house... the house is far too small”
- “Why do you always have to bring up marriage now… you know I’m stressed at work? - I get more stress because of you constantly pressuring me... it's all your fault ”

Using criticism like this is an unconscious attempt by the person with the commitment phobia to deflect the ‘blame’ off of themselves onto their partner.

- “I want to get married one day, but you keep pressuring me too much”.

Taking this one stage further, the person with commitment phobia may end up hurting their partner’s feelings even when no ‘pressure’ is being put on them…

Hurting Their Partner

Often, this happens when there isn’t any ‘pressure’ on the commitment phobic… they are just attempting to keep the relationship ‘at arms length’, even if this means their partner getting hurt.

It can seem like the person with commitment phobia is attempting to sabotage the relationship, even if the relationship itself seems to be perfectly ok. An example of this would be turning up consistently late for dates or regularly coming home late from work, without offering any reason.

- “Well, you know I have to work… don’t keep asking me every time I’m 5 minutes late… just accept it”.

Of course, sometimes commitment phobia can affect the person’s behavior even before they enter into a relationship…

Scared of Getting Noticed

Someone with commitment phobia may exhibit behavior very similar to that of someone with ‘social phobia’, and appear scared to be noticed. This can mean that the person doesn’t go out much, avoids social situations, avoids eye contact, or simply appears ‘shy’.

The unconscious motivation behind this of course, is that if the person doesn’t meet many people, and then doesn’t ‘engage’ with the people that they do meet, then they are much less likely to fall into the dreaded ‘relationship’ scenario. If approached, the person with commitment phobia will often just reject the advances of the other person, so that any potential relationship never really has much of a chance to get going in the first place. They just protect themselves from others getting too close.

Unrealistic Ideals

The ‘distancing themselves from others’ technique that we just mentioned however, sometimes isn’t enough on its own. It occasionally needs some help from other ‘reasons’ for the person with commitment phobia to avoid a particular situation.

For example, sometimes the person with commitment phobia will inadvertently find themselves getting closer and closer to someone they’ve met, without even really noticing it themselves.
Sometimes it’s only when the other person seems to want to progress the relationship to the next level that the person with commitment phobia feels the need to ‘escape’ from the situation.
This is where the commitment phobic person may need to employ other techniques of escape. One such method is the ‘unrealistic ideal’. They may recognize all sorts of positive aspects in their potential partner, but will still find some standard that the person doesn’t match up to…

- “yes I know she’s a lovely person, and that she’d be a great wife, and that she loves me, and that she does all that charity work, and….(etc, etc)… but she’s a Sagittarius isn’t she… I couldn’t possibly marry a Sagittarius!”

- “I need a wife who’s earning a lot more than she does”
- “If only she was half-an-inch taller I’d marry her in an instant”

When friends and relatives tell the person with commitment phobia that they’re being “too picky” and that ‘Mr Right’ or ‘Miss Right’ doesn’t exist, the commitment phobic will insist that they do, and they’ll find them one day.

The Unavailable Partner – The Affair

One of the most certain ways for the person with commitment phobia to keep a relationship ‘at arms length’ is to get into a ‘safe’ relationship. One way to do this is for the person with commitment phobia to get into a relationship with someone who, for one reason or another is ‘unavailable’ to them in the long term.

One way of achieving this, is for the commitment phobic to enter into a relationship with a married person, or someone already in a long term relationship. This makes it very unlikely that the person with commitment phobia will then have to face the prospect of that relationship going any further.

In this situation, they are relying on the fact that it is unlikely that the other person will leave their partner to come to be with them on a permanent basis. If that person does leave their partner of course, that leaves the commitment phobic with a new problem, which may cause them to resort to some of the other techniques talked about here. Of course, the ‘unavailable partner’ can be unavailable for different reasons…

The Unavailable Partner – The Long Distance Relationship

The 'long distance relationship' speaks for itself. The commitment phobic who lives in London and their boyfriend/girlfriend lives in Australia for example. The commitment phobic unconsciously ‘knows’ that the chances of that person giving up everything to travel half way around the world to be with them is very remote.

Again, the person with commitment phobia is keeping the relationship at a nice distance. There are of course, many other ways that the person with commitment phobia can form relationships with people who for one reason or another simply aren’t available to them for a full scale relationship. The ones we’ve mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg.

They may just form a relationship with someone they ‘know’ won’t be interested in them in the long term, such as…

The Commitment Phobic Partner

For the commitment phobic person, forming a relationship with another person who also has commitment phobia (the commitment phobic partner) is a pretty safe bet. The chances of those two people getting together in the long term are quite remote… both partners unconsciously ‘know’ this, and actually, this situation can suit both commitment phobic’s.

As they both suffer from commitment phobia, this meets the needs of both people, at least in the short term.

Commitment Phobia and the Long Term Relationship

Of course, everyone is different. One person suffering from commitment phobia might react to it in a completely different way to another commitment phobic. Each person has their own commitment phobia ‘trigger’… the event or stage of relationship that triggers their ‘fear’.

Some commitment phobic’s do get into long term relationships, and after being in that relationship for a long time, it’s only then that the ‘trigger’ happens, and they feel ‘fear’. At that stage, someone with commitment phobia might describe the feeling of being ‘trapped’ in the relationship, or in some way trapped or ‘pressured’ by the other person. If this happens, the person with commitment phobia usually has to find a way to distance themselves from their partner.

In a long term relationship, this can, of course, cause a lot of hurt and upset to the partner of the person with commitment phobia.

The ‘Yo-Yo-ing’ Effect in Commitment Phobia

This can happen when a commitment phobic is in a relationship, but suddenly feels trapped or pressured. Their response is often to ‘run away’…. So they might sabotage or end the relationship, even at the expense of their partner’s feelings.

Once they have ‘run away’ from the relationship, the commitment phobic often starts to feel ‘emptiness’. They start to realize that they did love their partner after all. This emptiness… missing the other person, can often cause them to go back to them. Of course, once back in the relationship again, and after everything has ‘settled down’, the relationship quickly starts to head back towards their ‘trigger’ again.

- “Now, before you left we were talking about getting married weren’t we”.

Before you know it, the commitment phobic is off again. Then they’re back…. Then they’re off… and so on. This ‘yo-yo-ing’ effect can go on for some time because the partner of the commitment phobic is often just so glad to get them back, that they’ll put up with all the uncertainty in between.

The Serial Commitment Phobic

Another way for a person with commitment phobia to avoid having to become involved in a long term relationship is to form a series of superficial relationships that are almost certainly never going to lead to anything more long-term.

This may give the commitment phobic the appearance of being promiscuous, or overly flirtatious, perhaps having a series of sexual partners for example.

The person with serial commitment phobia may be labeled by their friends and family as promiscuous, but would rather have that, than become committed to a relationship.

Courtesy Of : http://www.anxietymatters.com/symptoms_of_anxiety/phobias/commitment_phobia/commitment_phobia_index.htm

The Knowing......

2010-01-24T07:15:00.001+08:00

The energies don’t lie. They never do. Something strange is cooking up and signs of it are floating in the air. Today is a big day. Bigger than any other, though I cannot put my finger around it and say why exactly.

It is not comforting to know the future, to feel it in you veins, to plunge in to the unknown, knowing, to look in to their eyes and read their soul not out of choice, to inhale the vibes diffused by their withering, rotting skin, to smell the stench rising from the pits of their belly and to know exactly what’s going on.......I’d rather die than live and know !!!!!!!

The Mould

2010-01-12T23:00:00.002+08:00

And then you accidently come across a mould. A mould that fits all your specifications. But, fortunately or unfortunately, you are already tired. Tired of the game. Too tired to keep it up, too tired to wonder if the mold is strong to keep up……..

Too many questions running though my mind, but as usual nothing affects me. They questions, feeling and emotions they just zap thought me, but it doesn’t seem to disturb nor derail my original course.

It has always been easier to run away. My mind, body and soul are accustomed to running & escaping. I am determined to break the mode. Too determined that the very thought stresses me out. I want to do something, something that would turn things around. My heart bleeds at the thought of what’s going on. It does……It ain’t my own, and sometimes, even I let it rot like it’s nobody’s business. I suffer inside every time I do it. The emotional attachment is too great. The sense of direction I feel is immense………….

I have always trusted the vibes, the energy and the force for direction…….may they guide me this time around as well.

The Last of The Mysterious Year 2009

2009-12-31T01:00:00.004+08:00

After a topsy turvy day and quite a night of shopping all I want to do is eat my veggies and hit the sack, but I am determined to give the due respect year 2009 deserves the only way I know how..... Recollect & Ponder.....

First, Second & Third Quarter
Just as much as I wanted to land my ass in the beautiful, yet lonely islands of Maldives, I got my semi-permanent residency (inconsistent, unsecure, employer dependent) in the land of sand & camels. It was a tough fist quarter trying to juggle exams and work, but I made it, though I flunked the exams in style. Do I regret it??? Not One Bit !!!!
I don’t remember much other than work, shopping, dining out and a messy relationship which wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. An uneventful, bland and boring year one would say. Nonsense !! I would say...........The people I’ve met, the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen during these 9 months has managed to entirely change the way I would have got about life otherwise.

September

September was a purring month.....Found something I’ve been looking for almost all my life (though I haven’t a clue what to make of it) & got a lil more money in my hands (coz the good employer decided to throw a hike my way).

October/ November
Shifted to the much awaited new office in Sharjah which has an amazing view, though work was hazy. I had finished a good quarter century and was stepping in to November crunching evil number 26 (of course its just a number). Stayed away from work for a day due to an all time low for the first time in three years while in camel land. It felt terrible just as much as it felt good. It was good to feel a little, to love and live a little.

I was definitely floating away on cloud No. 9, but the only problem was that cloud No. 9 was floating a little too close to the ground. I had to always watch out for bumps and jerks and I was tired of doing so. All the huffing and puffing I could have done wasn’t going to lift the cloud any higher rather it would have jolly well got me sitting on the ground instead of on the cloud. I had two options, to hop on to cloud No. 10 and see where it took me, or to sit on cloud No. 9 and patiently wait until it kick started it’s journey towards Neverland, which I damn well knew it would and the latter was exactly what I did. I don’t regret to this date the choice I had made.

December
A few days before, during my much valued jog, I couldn’t help pondering about the best things this year had offered me.

1. Three amazing friends I would hold dear for life. Never having been blessed with female friends, it felt good to finally have some.
2. Light at the end of the tunnel.
3. An amazing job, which I had fallen head over heals in love with.

There are some people who you meet on the way who you would be detached to but yet be attached to in a strange way. There is one such individual who randomly walked in to the office and inspired me in his own little way, just when I needed it the most. I was living a dangerous lifestyle with no breakfast and a heavy dinner with very little exercise for over 6 years. He talked me in to a healthy lifestyle almost over night, which was shocking even to me. With a solid breakfast, plenty veggies for dinner, fruits as a substitute for chocolates, zilch aerated beverages and a jogging routine I feel like a million dollars.

After a glass of wine and vodka I am tipsy enough to say that I am dying to suck year 2010 through a straw. I can feel it in my veins that it is going to be more than just a swell year.

A Boy Named D..........

2009-11-13T23:00:00.002+08:00

I’ve kept a man on a very high pedestal for almost 13+ years, an image I’ve drooled over from afar, not knowing how to make a connection. After dating a few guys who resembled him, of course finding them all not up to the mark, making friends with another few who resembled him simply coz I knew that I just might almost never bump in to him in this short life span of mine. There was even a time that my car was named after him, until I forgot all about him for a while. Amidst all the fun, frolick, eye candy and chew candy I was filling my life with it felt like my soul could never move on without knowing what he was made of and what he was all about, which drove me to begin the nonsensical search all over again.

Did I find him???? YES, in an godforsaken island in europe !!! Was it worth it??? I don’t know at all.......

The strange man he is, blowing hot onetime and blowing cold another, has abused my patience beyond dry……do I feel anything for him even now, after all those years???? Yess…Yess…Yes…..Am I going to do anything about it? As usual NO!! Then what is it all about? It’s just the thrill of the chase, it always has been and always will be…

Cuts Like a Knife

2009-06-25T23:20:00.003+08:00

That’s what life has turned out to be. I’m tired of the show, but can’t seem to find the curtain to end the episode. The more mature one gets, the less complicated life is supposed to be, but it just doesn’t seem to be so in my world.

I am not in love, but am purely in love with the high I get out of love, and that’s a fact. It’s like weed. Let it tease your senses and it keeps you on a permanent high. What love is, I simply don’t comprehend anymore. I am beginning to feel what I haven’t felt in centuries, but whether they are right or wrong, I wouldn’t know, neither do I want to find out, since them feelings, they shall die a natural death, un dealt with and unspoken .

I wanna find out, where does he come from, where does he go? What goes through his mind, but I fear what I might find, therefore, let it never be found !

What Leads One To Break What He Strived To Make?

2009-04-20T04:28:00.005+08:00

After trying to break up with the good sir for the 10th time (for all I remember), I’m back at square one, showering ‘Love You’s’. This is when you dread hairpin bends, even though the road is wide and your tyres are tight.

Nasty boorish bosses, sick & unethical work atmospheres swallowing you whole, six fucking days a week makes you wanna throw up stomach acid to burn a whole nation down.

I swore to myself I wouldn’t bring any work home, I swore over a hundred times yester-fucking-day, but here I am doing the same old forbidden deed.

Little do they know you aren’t from the same realm as they are. They screw you over giving you three times the opportunity to do the same to them. Work has never angered me this much. Anger makes me work harder and faster. Anger builds more energy, more energy to swallow another’s soul. Energy builds and energy destroys and I wait for my time and turn to destroy !

Back On Track !!!

2009-03-27T17:08:00.000+08:00

A few minutes after breaking up with the so-called-beau, I’m switching between Dubai 92 and TNL Rocks, hoping and praying they’d play some hardcore shit, simply because I’m looking for a surprise and not something out of my music collection. I wish I had a pack of smokes in hand along with a few sticks of weed.

I look back at life and wonder how I ended up here, coz it all feels like a dream, definitely not a nightmare, but an amazingly twisted dream. With a bunch of investors in my hand, something is still holding me back with regard to the launch of ‘Skorpius’ in UAE. Worst of all, I’m beating myself down at work more with an ulterior motive of punishing myself for not paying the same due respect for my own business four years back.

It’s time to get myself a tattoo and get that 8v Mustang I always wanted, beginning with applying for my UAE driving license next month. Who the fuck can handle a toned down life….wild was what I was and wild will what I always will be and if any man wants me to be anything other than that….SCREW HIM ! I ain’t anyone’s pet pumkin !!!!

How the fuck do I successfully attract free riders, scroungers and employers who take the mickey outa me every single freaking time? How the fuck do I reverse the energies I attract?

Trade your Wife for a Modern Apartment !!!

2009-02-03T14:40:00.004+08:00

Sri Lanka has definitely been robbed of the cream of the industry. The question is ‘should we be amused or saddened?’

I Think I Might Blog A Lil More This Year ;)

2009-01-10T21:00:00.002+08:00

Plenty blog entries written and stored away without being posted simply because they sound doleful and pathetic with more than a pinch of self pity, but this I am determined to write and post amidst all laziness.

Been in Sri Lanka since beginning of November and it’s making me want to plant myself here for good, though I know I must leave in order to achieve my so-called goals. As at now everything seems to be muddled up that I can hardly think. You misunderstand love, life and everything that surrounds you, even though you’re just not supposed to be getting them wrong at this age. They use you and use you, they manipulate your understanding nature, they think you’re ignorant, when all the while you grit your teeth and watch and wonder what they’re intentions are. They think they got you wrapped around their little finger when all you did was pretend and stayed on just to find out where the ride ended. Do you pass off as a hypocrite? Maybe…..It all feels worthless coz they won’t change or budge, they’ll just slip back to being who they are, the blissfully ignorant scroungers.

They all say that a Scorpio forgives, but never forgets, not by choice, but by default. The truth is that a Scorpio is actually incapable of forgetting. They judge every word you say, watch every move you make and link it together with every situation that takes place in front of their eyes which concerns you and themselves. What do you know….they are molded to do so for their own good.

I’m waiting for my call to go back to camel land, but I’m surely gonna miss everything I’m leaving behind. Men are not real men unless they are Sri Lankan and vouch I can on that! One whole year or more with no native curry I’m gonna walk back to SL like a character off Monster Inc. No camel jokey can or will never match up to the sarong wearing, filth swearing, tough mother feather the Sri Lankan lad is brought up to be.

Over all its been quite a adventurous 2008 and I cannot help but ask the higher powers to throw my way an equally eventful 2009, coz who wants’ to settle for comfort zones and an easy way out. The tougher the challenge the stronger you get and the more fun you have.

Randoms from Qusais, Dubai

2008-08-08T16:02:00.004+08:00

Updating from Home Prison….

There is such a thin line between discontentment and fulfillment and it is amusing how we keep switching between these two modes so frequently, that there is hardly enough time for the mind to perceive which mode you are on.

Moving to Dubai was the best decision I made in the past 18 months. The opportunities are endless, if one has the backbone, courage, will, commitment and all that’s needed for the battle. One solid job six days a week, one happening project and three pending ones are keeping me more than occupied. Two more years of hard work and I’m taking a road trip to nowhere and I’ll still be going on 26…doesn’t that make me feel exuberant!

Speaking of work, salary discrepancies and amusing superiors seem to be following me everywhere I go. This time it’s a Grizzly Bear and a Benjamin Bunny, who are way better compared to the previous encounter with the Brown Eyed Monster. I try to stay as far away from GB and BB, keep all conversations to a minimum and con a shiver when they confront me. This is amusing, they surely think I’m shit freaked out of them while I’m having a ball in my mental auditorium. The GB seems to be inflated with so much ego, that one prick of a pin would shatter it across a continent, and I’ve only heard him grunt so far, which makes it difficult to fathom his character. BB, is one of those sweet superiors you bump in to once in a blue moon, but terribly confusing, that I’d rather smile and nod my head rather than speak and negotaite.

One must work in the GCC, bounded by stupid contracts to know and to feel your actual self worth. One can’t just quit, pack up and walk out, which eventually teaches you sweet diplomacy and how to negotiate subtly, yet powerfully.

The two week stay in Sri Lanka around mid June was surely a treat, though I almost passed out seeing how inflation has taken it’s toll. Something in the UAE was dragging me back and it surely wasn’t the man (who is made to bite the dust once more). For Pete’s sake, who needs an incomplete man when you can drill, drive and do your own plumbing? I pity the next poor soul who dares cross my path, coz if he knows what’s good for him, he wouldn’t.

Can one actually live in the fast-paced world, with a true and genuine hippie soul, is that really possible? I wonder……

Amidst the fact that I do a 5 Km walk back and forth to the supermarket, twice or thrice a week and use a knife as a can opener, just coz they don’t sell the ones I’m used to in this part of the world, this is still the life I choose to live for the next 2 years. I can finally feel the essence of my sweat, blood and tears and the infusion and diffusion of energy to and from my body.

The book is about 30% done and I let it write itself that enforce thoughts, phrases, characters and situations. It is surely better that way, coz I haven’t suffered a writers block in awhile and the outcome seems to be much better than the times you attempt to squeeze creativity out of your system.

Does it take that much courage to say…Hey I have failed, but I rise again ?!?

Thawed Skin & Rusted Hair

2008-04-15T09:00:00.004+08:00

It was 5 a.m, but I am feeling colourful and alive. Though it was high time I got some sleep, messing around with hair colour was just what I did next. Three hours of waiting, since I wanted the brown to be a lil more rooted and rustier than usual I hit the showers. The water, which was almost hot to a boiling point, felt as if it was sinking right through my skin & diluting with my blood with ease coz my mind was slowly absorbing the ecstasy the body was emitting, everything looked larger and the white tiles around me looked brighter.

Flashes of a series of incidents that took place last Wednesday were combining themselves together and were now teasingly replaying itself over and over again as if from inside my eyelids, that I dared not open my eyes lest I lose a single precious moment. The water boat & banyan boat rides in Deira, the sun scorching my skin from one side while the wind trying to fight the heat from another, the smooth business meeting which left me with more hope than I ever had for the past one and a half years (clumsy as I am, I spilled half the glass of water which was placed in front of me half way through the presentation, I wish I could erase the memory, though it seems impossible), and finally seeing him after ages and feeling nothing, but joy which deflated to pure disgust within a few seconds and wowing to never see him again. Didn’t he have no dignity? Why would he still be interested after much rudeness and ignorance? Did he just want to prove that he could eventually get in to my pants and that I can be weakened? May be I just keep leading him on, giving a green light just after a red, just like the traffic lights (though without the amber and no warning what-so-ever). May be, just may be, guys like him deserve to be twisted and crumpled like this, though I know too well that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. Alas ! the drama ends today and another one bites the dust! He may be a winner, always used to getting what he wants, when he wants, but this time, with me, he is a loser!

I take another scenic boat ride to Bur Dubai with a single regret of not bringing the camera along (such scenic bliss lost to good old memories, which would eventually be lost forever) ! With a few minutes of walking down the allies strewed with shops filled with ‘penny-wise-pound-foolish’ souvenirs, which fell across the creek, I finally reach the bus station to make my journey back to Al Ain. I buy the ticked and impatiently walk towards the bus to relax my feet, which was by now sore and aching. The figure seated right in front, opposite to the driver's seat looked vaguely (if not quite clearly) familiar. I ignored my instincts and sat right behind the driver’s seat, though there were plenty seats behind it. I watched his every move from the corner of my eye, the way he moved his legs trying to get comfortable, the way his jaws moved though they were clasped tight, while he listened to sum junk from a device plugged in to his ear and how his head kept bobbing back and forth towards my direction every time I fidgeted on my seat (which I enjoyed doing more often than I needed to get comfortable).

His hair was tied into a ponytail, which could be expected of him, though he always wore it short back then, but was it him at all or was it just my imagination? If it was him, what was he doing in Al Ain? So many questions were cooking a stew in my head. I watched him ask the driver to stop when he reached his destination, and I heard his gruff voice reluctantly speak a few words over the phone and it sounded different, though I wished so much that it was him. I dared not look in his direction when he raised himself from the seat and slowly made his way to the door giving himself enough time to take a good look at me. The image of him shall be embedded somewhere in my memory waiting to be brought back to reality when the time is right. Inhaling the energy of the final memory of him doing the weird thing he does with his tongue clicking his teeth, I decide to get out of the shower and put an end to the trauma my skin was going through.

With my skin thawed and my hair rusted, I finally curl up to catch around 4 hours of sleep before I head back to work.

Oh Why Oh Why Did Nudism Have To Die ?!?

2008-04-14T08:12:00.004+08:00

After much digging (FYI for months) finally landed on a perfect pair of shoes, which can gracefully pull off both formal as well as informal occasions. Fitting into shoes has always been a nightmare, ever since I remember my growth spurts hollering, ENOUGH! Being a size between a 37 & 38 (6 &7 or was it 7 & 8) and the figure never being consistent has obviously made me cringe every time I get an inevitable desire to treat myself to a pair of shoes or when the (bare) necessity actually arises. Folks who know me well, know that I am the same with clothes (How I end up with so many is yet to be figured out). I don’t know if it’s just for me or for rest of em girls, that they just don’t make clothes or shoes the way they are supposed to be made anymore. Who would want to be wearing a perky brazier, which emphasizes one’s treasured assets with weird seams lying lumpily on the face of it (they seem to not come without them, especially in this part of the world, there’s either the forbidden seam or a pulp of a padding, and mind you with outrageous designs which I wouldn’t be found dead in, Godamit!) Frustration seems to generously overflow similarly when in the lingerie dept. They, which display ‘S’ seem perfect until you actually bye them & try them on where as the ‘M’s seem to go baggy and wobbly as if they have a mind of their own. The free sizes, which come in cute bizarre colours seem to fit perfectly and last long, if I may confess. Arrrghh..the frustration em unworthy decorations bring !

Here I am again, venting my frustration after a useless week of shopping (attempted), wasting a good amount of energy, which should have been reserved. Interestingly enough, I’ve grown passionionate about grocery shopping (though I don’t enjoy carrying the heavy goods home just as much). They definitely seem to make the edibles more appealing than the wearables. I who thought would never learn to cook meat am obsessed with trying out new ways of tenderizing the meat and bringing the flavour out, that I sometimes wonder whether it is because it's simply unethical to go cooking people instead. The art of pounding the meat before marinating has added that extra spiciness I’ve been wanting to bring out (pounding also helps to flush away the anger and frustration you have towards the mean boss or colleague, pound away hoping it’s their head or jaw that's been pulped).

Note : However perfect the shoe may be, it is always a disaster on the first day. With four throbbing blisterson my toes, here I lay in bed.

A Feeling Above All Feelings

2008-03-29T16:20:00.011+08:00

If ever I felt hot, sweat, sexy, dreamy with full of desire & longing since I set foot on Arabic soil, it was last night. Who might have been responsible to kindle such a yearning no human has remotely been capable of evoking, none other than the works of F. W. Nietzsche. Though cozily cuddled up in bed, I could vaguely visualize disco balls twirling around me, tingles that made my veins knot & a strange sensation taking over my entire body, soaking me with an unexplainably warm feeling. What brings about this kind of feeling every time I read or hear a good piece of philosophy, I wouldn't know. I wonder if it is merely the philosophy or the fact that there exist men like them philosophers, brave and bold enough to break all rules, step aside from the socially accepted norms, and stand by what they truly believe in.

Bored sick as I am in Al Ain am dying to come back home to catch some action with some real friends. Beautiful as Al Ain is, it is far beyond mundane. Pictures posted below for your viewing pleasure (courtesy of Gatra Waworontu).

The road leading to the top of Jebel Hafeet. The highest man made peak in Al Ain.

A view of Al Ain from the top of the mountains !

Sweet UAE, I Hear You Call My Name

2007-12-21T03:35:00.000+08:00

Two in the a.m, up after a short nap and listening to some Arabic tracks, which are burning me inside, coz it reminds me of someone from a couple of years back. Someone I fell head over heals in love with, but held myself back in every way, expressing all my feelings sparingly.

It’s been awhile since I blogged, not due to the lack of time, but due to the lack of energy. Let me give my EVER-SO-VALID reasons to my dearest, darling and beloved friends who are more than ticked off with me for not coming on vacation to SL anytime soon. I’m sorry guys, I have to do this for myself. The stay in UAE has been a much needed one for me to come to terms with plenty things. The distance from the parent types has made me discover multiple strengths within me, strengths I never knew existed. It has also improved my next-to-nothing culinary skills (to international standards ;), taught me to respect humanity regardless of race and shades and given me practical experience on how to co-exist with them.

Another reason for not blogging was the fact that everything that I put into paper came out weak, which contradicted with the strength I felt inside. Even as I write this post, I don’t have the power within me to state most of what I want to say. Even though life is smooth amidst plenty inconveniences (vain as it sounds the fact that I haven’t caressed a set of wheels in over an year is more than a killer and an inconvenience itself), life feels empty in so many inexplainable ways.

Fortunately or unfortunately imprisoned by a contract with no means of switching employers without evading the cursed six-month ban, I feel that I am treated worse than I was treated back in Sri Lanka as an individual from the minority. Studying the twisted (using the mildest lingo possible) UAE labour laws closely whilst having a close watch at the volatile, yet illusionally stabilized economy has opened my eyes towards the real meaning of the “New World Order” as well as the last chapter in the Bible, Revelation. It’s happening right before our eyes, whilst we blindly wait for it all to happen in the future, hoping we’d be spared.

I’ve also seen the worst and the ugliest of human traits within the past year from back stabbing, evil & conniving ways of scrounging one another, disrespecting the very fact that we are all human, absolute stinginess, to absolute dumbness to the point of letting others scrounge you any way they please. Watching people behave like animals depresses me beyond words I cannot explain, it annoys me and leaves me drained for days and the solution not being in my hands burns trenches within me.

Whiney as this post may sound, I swear I am amused by most that goes on in my day-to-day life. This journey would definitely be an experience I would take with me for the rest of my life. A paid adventure in its own way !

Seven Random Things About Me

2007-08-16T06:49:00.000+08:00

So I’ve been tagged and I finally find some time to write 'seven random things' about my self.

(1) I am a genuine con artist for all the good reasons ;) Go figure why !
(2) I love mint & chocolate chip ice cream with the whole nut, chocolate and whipped cream combination. One scoop of the above and one scoop of pistachio ice cream from Baskin Robinson can make me happy than any man can ever imagine to make me ;)
(3) I believe in Magic and the Law of attraction, apparently Magic is all about the Law of Attraction :)
(4) I could go without food and water for days, but not without a good read which elevates my spiritual being.
(5) I’ve never climbed a tree, done hard core rock climbing or scuba diving, all of which I yearn to try out sooner than later.
(6) I truly and honestly believe I am blessed, perfect parents, life full of adventure and lessons and the perfect life a hardcore, ruthless, tomboy of a brat could ever yearn for ;)
(7) I hate shopping, but somehow I am loaded with more than enough clothes to choose from, I don’t wear make up and hate it from the bottom of my heart, though I'm guilty as charged for colouring my hair wild and loving every bit of colour dabbed into em strangly strands ;)

Donito ! Phew ! Unfortunately I guess I am left with no one to tag, cause I'm so late in the game :(

Has Toyota Won My Trust?

2007-08-02T11:30:00.000+08:00

Personally, I am a Toyota HATER ! But this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hzRLG8dA-E totally changed my perception.

Would 'They' Stab A Corpse To Confirm That It's Dead ?!?

2007-06-03T07:20:00.001+08:00

Its almost 3 in the a.m and I can legally abstain from work today as well. A Dhs 5/- taxi ride to 'Al Jimi Hospital' and an half an hour wait to get the nurse’s attention (am I invisible or something)? Then being rejected of a medical certificate due to not having a visiblly high risen temperature (according to their gone wrong thermometer) and been directed to 'Al Massoudi Clinic' which is another DHS 4/- distance and been questioned by the non Engris speaking receptionist if I was a run away school kid (or something to that line). DHS 20/- for entrance (or what ever you call it, I doubt it’s called channeling here) and another good DHS 50/- for issuing of a medical certificate for two days and not forgetting the taxi ride home which was a good DHS 7/-. Woahhh…going to work even if it means having to suffer a death penalty the next day sounds much better and convenient than going through all the above. I am boiling with fever and physically drained, pissed and amused at the same time, which doesn’t feel too sweet.

Watched 6 episodes of ‘My Wife & Kids’, salivating over Daman Wayans and figured out that my hunger for black men would never cease. Why still the yearning when a black hunk was supposed to be all mine? He deserves better, and I am not ready for a full blown body and soul relationship even though I’m head over heals in love with him. The fact that I feel butterflies in my stomach every time he passes me by (damn girl! you are too grown up for that sh**), the fact that he is always on my mind and the fact that I’m trying to come to terms with my reason for running away from every good thing that enters my life (to me) confirms that this guy is something special and I am nothing less than IN LOVE. If he ain’t around by the time I come around, I’ll just have to play wounded puppy and wish him 'LUCK' with 10 afro curly haired menaces who’d make his hair stand straight, drain his pocket and make him look a good 50+ at 30.

Not forgetting to state the fact that I’m utterly bored, lonely and going slightly insane in this strange town, I’m off to get a lil more sleep before I see any sort of light creeping in through the crack of my door.

Evolved & In Love ;)

2007-05-21T04:58:00.000+08:00

It is a good 45 minutes past 3 in the a.m and am still up and chirpy doing all kinds of nonsensical things (doing everything but washing my clothes, which is the most annoying and important of all of em ‘must do’s for I’d have to be wearing a soaking wet uniform otherwise).

Tonight there’s just one thing written on my mind, body and soul……….TINGLES! It ain’t immature, it ain’t long distance, it ain’t flaky, but so damn real. I tried running away from it as usual (yeah..as usual), coz that’s the easiest thing to do that stay and face the day, but something saved the day and made me stay and I’m so looking forward to spending every waking second with him and him on my mind.

For once, it ain’t a pretty boy who draws hearts on post-its and speaks nothing about the future. He freaked me out at first, coz the man I saw was real, Afro and oh so fine, which immediately made me feel like a bow without an arrow or a farm without a fence. Love was not in my books, abstinence was the key word, but what the f**k was happening, I can’t let go, lose control, no way not now! I was looking for perfection, when perfection was right in fronta my eyes, perfect and divine and mine!

Fine….so he doesn’t look like the kinda guy who’d be picking wild flowers for me, but yet perfect in every way!

As for the long silence, my creativity has been robbed by external sources, which SHALL be grabbed back in to my system sooner than later. Meanwhile my soul is being nourished by books such as :

(1) The Monk who sold his Ferrari – ‘Robin S. Sharma’
(2) Conversation with God (Volumes 1-3) – ‘Neale Donald Walsch’ [Read em all in order for a clear understanding]
(3) The Road Less Traveled – ‘M. Scott Peck’
(4) (Not forgetting) Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus - ‘John Grey’

These have so far kept me sane, bold, strong and genuine to myself whilst altered my beliefs, values and thinking patterns for the better taking me on to the next step of evolution.

Note : No, the books have by no mean blindly influenced or manipulated my values and virtues, but rather the changes have taken place after plenty testing with my original beliefs.

-To be open to change that moulds you a little more in to who you really are is to evolve, and to be holding on to old rigid ways out of duty and fear is to remain an ignorant fool – (Gobblezygook)

Sheesa Adventure

2007-04-02T23:34:00.002+08:00

Rooted and homely as I am, my heart yearns to return home, to enjoy the warmth and love of my wonderful parents and naughty dogs, not forgetting my cranky grandmother, but I wonder if my yearning is correct and would get me anywhere other than farther and farther away from my hopes, dreams, fantasies and desires. Unconsciously or consciously, I have been suffering from the ‘green grass’ syndrome all this while, always desiring what is farthest from me. For once in my life I am enjoying and am fully satisfied and contended with the job I am currently experiencing (It would surprise many who know my nature of employment) and cannot possibly think of myself doing anything else in this doomed country even though it would pay me double or even quadruple of what I am earning right now. It is a beautiful feeling to know that you got the potential within you to climb higher, but yet choose to remain where you are and practice endurance. Having job hopped all my life for once my conscious is forcing me to stay put, that it is more like some kinda something telling me that I have finally found what I would want to keep myself occupied with for a long time (apart from my precious business of course, I wouldn’t give that up for the world, it still runs in my blood and will always run until I say fare thee well to planet earth).

I haven’t had a proper eight hours of sleep for three days, since I finally decided to share the room with another female individual so that I could share the room rent with, which is around SL Rs. 12’000/-, but this idea never gave me the peace of mind or heart. I was finally eager to share the luxury of my territory, to give up my freedom and my peace of mind just in order to save a few mere rupees and it didn’t feel right. As usual, alone as I am, I didn’t have anyone to direct me, share my thoughts or calm me down than my unknown unseen father in heaven. The girl who was supposed to share in sees the room promising me to confirmation today, which never arrived (I was half hoping it wouldn’t), while a restless corner within me kept churning with eagerness to save half the money being used for the purpose of paying the rent. I left the situation in God’s hands and fell into a lovely deep sleep only to wake up feeling relaxed and whole again. Why I am thinking so much about saving would for the reason of running away. What if I wanted to build my life here instead? (I know I would be disappointing many, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do).

From experience, I have come to realize that restlessness within me comes only when my thought pattern contradicts with God’s purpose for my life. Having stated that, my room shall be my room and unshared coz it’s too pretty to be shared and no one deserves it..hmmph ;) and I on the other hand have decided to root myself down in this country for a while, which means that I will be applying for a my license and my dreams of a Mustang GT will be coming true soon.

Posted are some of the pics from the sheesha adventure stated in the previous post (and yes I approve sheesha, but not to the point of addiction, and if one may be wondering, nope I don’t booze and never have got wasted over here and am yet to be touched but a camel’s penis, which is quite a highly unlikely activity to occur).

Life In UAE

2007-03-24T01:29:00.000+08:00

It’s almost four long months since I blogged, so finally, here I am still alive and monkeying around with life. Apologies for the long silence, forgotten birthdays and unreplied sms’s & emails (due to valid reasons and unavoidable circumstances). Since I’ve been questioned too much about my life and happenings over here (by loved ones and curious stalkers) let me fill you in with the juicy bits and pieces (like how many men I’ve slept with so far and how big their circumcised penises were compared to the guys in Lanka;)

Work

I’d like to keep my place of work discreet due to reasons beyond my control (at least for awhile), and please, those who know, hush up and try not to state it on this page (thou shall see the reason why in a few months).

Work has made me a stronger person as well as made me realize through experience that what doesn’t kill you can surely make you stronger. It has made me grow triceps and biceps in my own lil way and made me 20 times stronger than any gym in Lanka could have ever made me in a coupla years.

Accommodation

The first month was spent in a luxurious star hotel, covered in warm blankets, bubble bath for a cozy soaks, free baskets of fruits every other day and a television all for myself (em little blessing mean a lot when alone in a God forsaken country). The last three months are spent in a little room of my own, right opposite the place of work (which is not company sponsored, for your information). It has a little kitchen and an equally tiny, but cozy toilet. Was sharing the place with another Sri Lankan girl (a friend I found for life), who unfortunately left a couple of days back on a transfer to Dubai to be with her husband. The place is all mine, all mine, for a sum of DHS 800/- per month. Got the kitchen fully equipped a few days back with lil blessings like a rice cooker, electric kettle and a hot plate and cute lil pots, pans and utensils, bright, colourful and pretty, and OH BLY ME ! Judy girl is a kitchen Goddess…WOHOO! I have never known freedom like this and am enjoying every second of it. I’ve been accused muchly for paying such a big sum for the room and for refusing to share it with someone, but guess I value my freedom and my peace of mind than the mere DHS 400/- which I might save by taking someone in.

Food

Other than my glorious cooking, food is CRAP down here. Hardees, Fish World, Pizza Hut, Indian and Arabic restaurants, ADNOC (24 hour mini markets in fuel stations)…hmmmm I could list a gazillion names and yet not list one outlet who’s food are palatable for us Sri Lankans. Everything I have eaten so far is sweet, bland, flat, creamy, cheesy or utterly disgusting. You ask them to make something spicy and they add barbeque sauce, “Lord have mercy on their poor innocent souls, for they have not tasted real chilly”!

Entertainment

There’s not much of an entertainment in Al Ain except for one fairly happening club, at Rotana and two others which I haven’t even attempted visiting. It’s quite a dead city in terms of entertainment, places to visit and things to do. Nine hours a day of six days of the week is spent at work and the remaining time is spent, sleeping, roaming around a few malls, exploring new gadget shops, book stores and in my room writing, attempting to cook, clean or get a lil shut eye.

Love Life

To be honest, there is not one interesting dude to eyeball at. I either look desperate or butt ugly that I keep getting asked out by old farts in white gowns who surely look way past their years of sound health. I’ve screamed at a few, but then figured out that acting dumb and pretending to not understand them was the best way to evade the situation, not like they speak Engris anyway and the little bit they speak comes out as gibberish, that I understand none anyway.

I’ve met a few intriguing people while at work, like writers who are researching about the lost treasures of Arabic intellectuality, teachers who spend beautiful simple lives, Businessmen who seem to be racing against time, cute local guys who seem to be cute as hell and jobless just as well and women who are pretty on the outside, with glimmer and shine but empty or shallow on the inside. The most interesting of em all was an Indian guy, all the way from Delhi, who was something different. He sure spoke a different language to what I’ve been hearing the past few months, refined, spanking classy, yet simple. I never caught his name, but had a lil chat and managed to take a peak at the big fat book he was buried in for quite a long time, which was about some civilization shit. That’s as far as meeting interesting individuals go.

That’s about it form my side of the world, boring and uneventful for the time being, which is definitely going to change in due course (sooner than I thought it would). I am home sick all ready, and am sure trying my best to accomplish my mission of coming here at the earliest and return to beautiful Lanka, to enjoy the comfort of the green green grass of home.

Glorious UAE

2006-12-16T14:59:00.000+08:00

Geez, I miss blogging. Just managed to chill down and access the net, and yes, I am more than in one piece and kicking. I'm assigned to work away from the Dubai city, therefore life is so not on the fast lane, but BOY ! aren't I having a ball. I've been spending the past month in a star hotel (obviously paid for by the company) and finally am shifting to a room of my own next week. It is truely an adventure that is gonna change my life forever.

I finally found a super cool Evangalical Church today, and that made my entire day go brighter than it already was :)

So-Long, Until I get my own computer and blog in peace.

A Cure For The Crippling Disease - Loneliness !

2006-11-17T13:04:00.000+08:00

(A post made on request, I hope It looks less gibberish to you than it really is :)

No Nooo, I ain’t feeling anything even close to loneliness. Right now, I’m too high on life to feel anything as boring as that. But, yes, I know what that feels like; it ain’t a nice feeling, not at all. It drives you to do crazy things and sometimes to tears. It is a powerful feeling which could bring out the best in you if you climb on top of it and holler at it to go your way, or you could let it overwhelm you and trod you all over, wrap you around it’s little finger and fling you over the edge.

It is us who make our emotions slaves or masters, just that we don’t realize that we are blessed with greater power than any of the emotions we feel. I honestly thought that us humans are made up of emotions (and emotions alone) and that the soul was a mixed pickle of all our emotions and characteristics wrapped up tight in a tasty jar. But a deeper understanding and a realization about the ability to stand above any emotion I feel (good or bad) has made me understand that one can actually exist without them (even though that would make one cold, rigid and uninteresting). So here we are back again at stirring up emotions and as for loneliness, we can jolly well eradicate it by letting another ‘feel-good’ emotion overpower it.

It’s crazy as to how much I hate everything that goes behind technology, but think that life is very similar to a coded HTML page. All functions that take place on the face of it depends on the formulas embedded at the back of it. A correctly coded page functions without hiccups. Even a beautifully designed page can be of disgrace if the coding is messed up.

A little heart to heart conversation with a handful of people is enough to make you realize that 99.9% of the people are geared up with loneliness and are actively looking for that special someone to put a smile on their face and take that sinking feeling away. Little do they know that they are making a terrible mistake and it surely ain’t surprising that these kind of relationships end on a disastrous note. They are not happy with casual friendships, even though they have more than a sufficient number of friends to commune with and lovely families to hold their back, they turn a blind eye to all of them and choose to feel miserable and lonely instead. Why? Because the present gear he/she is on, builds up a void, which can only be filled with the deep, intimate sensual kind of relationship he/she is yearning for. They do not take the time to get to know the potential-other and is all go for a fast paced Hollywood romance. From hello to a kiss, to caressing and straight towards heated up action. One may even have strong policies against this sort of procedure, but yet at that moment it seems beyond their control to do anything about the drive that leads them to act foolish and immature. It gets difficult to think about long-term consequences, coz the only priority that twirls in their mind is finding the present cure for the sting they feel. Little do they know that the void only gets bigger and deeper once the burning hot and happening romance comes to an end. The grand finale would be the individual falling in and out of relationships (I dare not say love), for all the wrong reasons, not even realizing that they are only trapped in a vicious cycle.

There is not much of a solution to offer a person feeling lonely and down in the dumps since they are not equipped to attentively listen, let alone absorb any other solution than a quick fix for the brokenness they feel. But if they are willing to listen and correct the gone wrong codes within them, it is definitely a possible task to feel fulfilled and complete by oneself.

A Simple and Practical Solution

Step 1
Expose yourself to light, open the windows of your home, draw back the blinds, let the sunshine pour down on you. Darkness and gloominess adds to any kind of misery. It’s almost a universal law that none can feel sad whilst staring at the sun.

Step 2
Redirect you energies towards something you are passionate about, but make sure it is PRODUCTIVE. Choose something, which is personal, can be done by your self and can be enjoyed. (Charity, gardening, writing, reading, trying a new sport, sewing, painting, designing, woodwork, pottery, cooking, higher education, working out etc…Pardon me for not including sex, booze, smoke, gaming and movie addiction, they don’t qualify).

It is helpful to choose a variety of them and include an activity, which drains the excess physical energy growing fat and slouchy between our veins.

(I have a notion that we humans are not created for the 21st century. Depression and loneliness were certainly scarce amongst the cave men, because their energies were directed towards physical exertions and didn’t have much time to feel sorry for themselves).

Step 3
Take this opportunity to get to know yourself, whilst you are trying your hands on new and forgotten activities. This would be an ideal time since you will be having less time to focus on your misery and might have a good chance at focusing on your assets and positive traits instead, in order to build up the fallen self esteem. Train yourself to enjoy the small blessings waiting to be noticed by you.

Step 4
By now, your sleepless nights would have come to a minimum, so do focus on a balanced life, which includes, sufficient nutrition, exercise and plenty sleep (don’t feel guilty to sleep, sleep is good, there really is no problem unless otherwise that’s all you do).

Step 5
Now that you are comfortable under your own skin, chill down and take the time to genuinely get to know the old friends you have been ignoring because of your misery as well as the new friends you make.

* Do not get in to unwanted intimate relationships until you have fully cleansed yourself and are strong enough to not fall back in to the lonely pits of gloominess.

Yearning for companionship is perfectly natural. We are beautifully created to have deep connections with the opposite sex (and the opposite sex alone).

--> And the Lord said “ It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs” - (Genesis 2 :18)

It was easier for the cavemen to build deeper relationships than the self-proclaimed fools of the 21st century coz their needs were basic and their functions were clearly understood by each individual. The men hunted and protected while the women gathered and nurtured. But we, who demand masculinity from a female and femininity from a male, need to be on steady grounds before we pursue searching for that PERFECT heart that beats parallel to ours.

How Confidential is Confidential?

2006-11-14T12:41:00.001+08:00

One is bombarded with a gazillion ultra personal and highly confidential questions when obtaining bank a account, phone connection, insurance, lease etc., but what assurance do we have that all the information we provide are confidential as they say it is?

I had lost faith in the biggest GSM provider in Sri Lanka to keep my information confidential long ago. Some one who had my mobile number indirectly or directly had access to my full name, age, the company I worked for, address and my home phone number. This wasn’t the only instance, there was a twice, thrice and plenty more times, that I have given up keeping count of them.

The latest is to do with the biggest (me thinks) vehicle insurance provider. A bloke sees me a couple of times in a parking lot, he notes down my vehicle number, gives it off to the big shot uncle who happens to work in the above mentioned insurance company (obviously since most vehicles are insured with them, he decides to try his luck…hmmmphh) and tells him that it’s a long lost friend’s vehicle, and he needs the number to get in touch. The big shot uncle happily divulges the mobile number (which is a connection from the biggest GSM provider, which indirectly means that I have no assurance about the rest of my information being handed out on a platter to the goggle eyed boy). The boy calls, I play harsh, (he sure had me making sour faces at hello), and explains about how he got about obtaining my phone number, I am amused, very amused, almost hysterical, but at the same time very angry and jittery for the reason that I had plenty regards towards the insurance company involved.

What if the niece of the big shot was a gone wrong thug with a serious case of OCD? The ‘he wants it and he gets it type’, who’d go the distance and make plenty trouble to get what he wants. I could jolly well sue the insurance company, but it just ain’t of any use. I can only express my utter disgust at how well managed the so-called big shot companies are. This sort of action coming from the lower end of the company can be blamed upon the newcomers who have no idea (or rather are not bothered) bout the company / service ethics and policies, but this sort of action coming from the top management is absolutely shocking.

So much for confidentiality in Sri Lanka !

Samson and Delilah Along With Other Historical Couples

2006-11-07T19:15:00.000+08:00

Samson and Delilah or should I be calling them “The Lust Machine” and “The Seductive Biatch”. One of the greatest lovers in the books of history? I think not ! I haven’t the slightest clue as to why they are even considered so.

Samson didn’t love Delilah like no other man has ever loved a woman. He was just enticed by her and was boastful, irresponsible and stupid. She wasn’t the first woman in his life either; she was just a woman he claims to have FALLEN IN LOVE with (along the way). A woman from the enemy troops the Philistines, possibly a vine woman, could have even been a harlot (who knows).

This wasn’t the first time Samson was driven by lust and acted irrationally, there is a similar instance where he is enticed by his first wife who too is a Philistine (but since it wasn’t a case between life and death, he probably brushed it off his memory) Silly Owl ! He burns the woman and the father raw just because she was married off to the best man since Samson abandoned her a few days after the wedding. How does he find this out, while making a visiting just in order to sleep with her. Such anger and destruction coming out of an undisciplined bunch of lustful emotions huh? That isn’t the end, his willy was so outa control that he ends up with a harlot from the city of Gaza just before his encounter with Delilah.

Please, how naïve and stupid can a man get? Doesn’t he ever learn from his past lessons? This guy amuses me to a greater extent than any other Biblical character has ever managed to. He merely takes the physical strength he is blessed with for granted, and decides that he can break all the rules he pleases and never be defeated. He appears to be a man who posses a immature brain, underdeveloped cluster of emotions which he has no control over and a puffed up ego to spice it up with. A mixed up, ruthless, scatterbrain who doesn’t seem to have got his priorities straight, tell him to save Israel from the Palatines, he goes chasing lasses to wine and dine with.

As for Romeo and Juliet - Yeah, sure it’s a moving love story, some versions actually make you cry, but yet, logically thinking, both of them were stupid. All they had to do was freaking run away. Added to their only misery, which was stupidness, they are been blessed with several encounters with an equally dense monk who marries them off, but does nothing else to make the relationship actually work (at least teach them the art of eloping). What was Shakespeare thinking?

Napoleon and Josephine – Why did she let him marry another if she loved him that much, and most of all why did he agree to? It is said that they couldn’t bear the separation. Oh boy, didn’t they know that they didn’t have to? Who said that true love was about sacrificing love for the sake of a crown. Plain materialism!

Robin Hood and Maid Marian – So close, but yet so far. Why couldn’t they be together? Her impatience or his coldness? Why didn’t she wait? If she knew for sure he would come for her, why did she have to make all our lives miserable and veil herself? Oh, and why did he run around doing errands that had nothing to do with either of them if he loved her so much?

Anthony and Cleopatra – Lets not even go there. They are even known as “history’s most extravagant and flamboyant lovers”. Critiques could go on about how the whole play (which actually elevated their place to where they are today) is about Shakespeare trying to make us understand about the true nature of love. Nonsense ! I see the Roman General and the Egyptian Queen as two ambitious and vicious dominators, who accidentally got infatuated on the way. More like addicted and bound by lust for each other and nothing more than that. They probably killed themselves in the end when Mark Antony was defeated, since they both knew they had no hope of life (with or without each other). Antony ends his life by falling on his sword and Cleopatra by letting a poisonous snake bite her (how ironic).

Lets hear what the Bible has to say about Love (any kind of love that is). But I believe that the purest form of love can only be found between a man and woman whose love has no boundaries, where they don’t hold anything from each other, their own flesh, let alone their souls. (Criticize me if you may, saying that the same bond is shared by a mother and a child, but I say no, they don’t).

“Love is very patient and kind,
Never jealous or envious,
Never boastful or proud,
Never haughty, selfish or rude.
Love does not demand it’s own way.
It is not irritable or touchy.
It does not hold grudges and will hardly ever notice when others do it wrong.
It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out.
If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost.
You will always believe in him,
Always expect the best of him (and)
Always stand your ground in defending him.” - (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)

I don’t consider any of the above couples to be great lovers. None of them could stand the test of time and if it doesn’t stand the test of time, then it wasn’t going to stand at all.

(Whilst verifying some facts from the father dearest, I happen to ask him why they did what they did, just so that I’d know how he thinks. Wasn’t I amused to hear what he said. “ Child, they were in love. Love is blind and makes people do the dumbest things possible”. I’ve my doubts if he’d tolerate me acting all dumb just because I’m in love and use the same words he spoke to evaluate my irrationality).

Note : Do check out my new poem at http://gobblezygookspoems.blogspot.com which is something relative to all the twaddle I’ve been ranting about.

Stirred Emotions / Bheegi Bheegi

2006-11-06T18:20:00.000+08:00

It’s a modern Hindi track, done to a catchy dark, alternativish beat, but I still can’t make head or tail of who sings it. But the video and the track itself, stirs something deep inside. Something dark and painful, which cannot be described. It’s actually better than some of em done in the west. All respect to the musicians (who I am not familiar with). The chorus is as follows; I’d love for someone to tell me the meaning of it.

"Na jaane koi kaisi hai yeh zindagaani zindgaani
Hamari adhuri kahaani
Na jaane koi kaisi hai yeh zindagaani zindgaani
Hamari adhuri kahaani"

What I really wanted to get to was the stirring of emotions. Who decides what you want to feel and how you want to feel about a certain situation. You or God? Does believing in God guard you against depression, anger and all of the mucky feelings looked down upon by the society?

Heck No !!!

Veterans on the subject of enthusiasm and positive thinking keep talking about stirring up the spirit of enthusiasm from within ones self. I guess it’s the same with all other emotions such as anger, jealousy, resentment, annoyance etc.. I realized that what ever situation one is faced up with, initially comes in to direct contact with the emotion which is stirred up and is right at the top and ready to rule the head (which in turn rules the body).

Eg :

Situation - You were fuming over being put on hold on by a telephone operator whilst making an urgent, important call from your mobile phone, which has oh so expensive outgoing rates.

Stirred up Emotion – Anger / Frustration/ Tension

Next Situation – It’s the hanging out with the boyfriend/girlfriend day, but he/she calls to say that he/she is stuck at work and wouldn’t be able to make it (You’ve been planning to check out this new restaurant for days).

Reaction – You flare up, even though you don’t yell or exchange unpleasant words, out of you would come hostile words and blunt sentences (which, could be equally or even more hurtful).

Reason – Your ability to think rationally has been distorted; the unexpected situation comes and makes contact or rather collides with the emotion that was stirred up and floating at the top. In this case anger by itself is a negative emotion, which could do great mental as well as physical harm (most negative emotions do). The body rejects it and treats it as a foreign element, which explains the reason why the body, mind and soul aren’t in harmony when such dark emotions are felt.

I’m sure someone has already come up with this sorta explanation, just that it was never presented to me. A situation I went through a day back, made me figure out the above model, whilst pondering over why I reacted the way I did [and no…the above wasn’t the kind of situation I’m talking about (evil grin)]. Interesting how the human machine works huh?

I had plenty doubts while reading books by Norman Vincent Peale, coz it sounded more worldly than Biblical, drawing the strength we need to go on from Christ himself is an accepted practice / statement and no one can criticize it since it is written boldly in the Bible. But stirring up inner powers and emotions is something I have not come across in the Bible until yesterday (I honestly don’t know how I over saw it).

--> Stir into flame the strength and boldness that is in you…(2 Timothy 1 :6)

--> ...If you will stir up this inner power (2 Timothy 1 : 8)

Its clear to see that stirring up the emotion or choosing the gear we want to be on is entirely up to us, but hurtful words outspoken can never be rewound, so chose wise, and figure out the gear which works for you or rather helps you handle all situations calmly and rationally. This way you wouldn’t have to worry about remembering to switch between gears as and when the situation changes. Now that you’ve got your gear in place, stop fiddling with that age-old clutch and accelerate away. Happy riding !

Flower Children / Hippies

2006-10-29T18:32:00.000+08:00

That’s what the world calls them, but all they wanted was, peace, love and freedom (yes it is true that the governments have snatched away most of the beauty the world and life has to offer, but I’m too lazy to figure out my own model of how the world is ever gonna survive without em so called governments).

Hippies (or the free spirits as I’d like to call them) have been accused of borrowing the (so-called) lifestyle they live, mode of expression and fashion from the Bohemians who just like the hippies

- Left their middle-class lives to live with others who shared the same beliefs
- Felt the need to rebel against authority
- Felt a certain lack of purpose in their lives
- Expressed their disapproval of authority by wearing distinct clothing

Just as Bohemians used art and writing, hippies used their distinct music to rebel against authority and define a whole generation; I guess most of em turned towards cultivation and self-sufficiency (which sure is a good thing).

Most who left for this kind of a lifestyle in the 1960s and the 70s were known to be college dropouts, people with mental problems, people with inherited and saved money, people who were educated, but lost, people who were trying to escape the war in Vietnam and people who didn’t fit in to any sort of accepted structure in the society.

The Neo-hippies or the so-called New Agers of the 21st century are people who (claim to) believe in the hippie philosophy (may be not entirely, coz they seem to be quite happily plugged in to all the luxury one could afford and enjoy the fast paced life, whilst taking into consideration only the rebelliousness and the fashion trends from the beautiful free culture).

I was always in awe about em ‘Flower Children’ and the 60s liberating culture. I still can’t seem to figure out the connection between the 'free culture' and free sex, drugs, booze, rock n’ roll, nudism, extreme-feminism etc. May be they were just sub-cultures and traits which eventually emerged from the main philosophy of free and simple existence (me presume).

Getting straight to the point, there’s plenty good, one can derive from this whole ‘Flower Children’/’Hippie’ saga. It ain’t about the fashion trends they followed, the music they listened to or the unethical activities they got involved in, but the motive of getting life to pivot around the two main virtues one will ever need, to carry on existing happily and contentedly, LOVE and PEACE (Love and Peace eventually makes way for freedom).

I may be wrong, but I believe it is this free culture that was spoken about in the ‘New Testament’. Em free sprits were looked down upon for rejecting the luxuries of life, but how can love and peace fully function, when, greed for luxury, discontentment and avarice exist.

Hope the world soon sees the beauty of wearing flowers in their hair than wearing weapons around their flesh.

Say Adios to ‘Hissbullah Gullah’

2006-10-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

It’s past 2 a.m her heart is very scratched with teary eyes and a snot filled nose. No he ain’t a bad soul, in fact he is something very precious, but may be it wasn’t God’s will (or just wasn’t his will). May be she was wrong to open her heart, yeah…...so they say, “never give your heart to a stranger”. May be she’d never do so ever again.

At least she knows she is human after all to feel for real, with all honesty, wanting and needing and then feeling that hurt, those tears and the loss. It wasn’t infatuation, may be it’s easier to stick to infatuation, dreams and illusions, than make love to real life and watch your heart be set on fire.

Waiting

2006-10-26T10:05:00.000+08:00

All I have been doing is waiting for the last one year. I waited six months to close the business, then another six months to shift to the new house, arrrgh….now it’s been three months since I received the appointment letter and the visa, but gotta wait another month till I leave. Is it just me or is this just the way things usually happen? It’s just hilarious, coz most of my friends who didn’t get to catch up with me seem to be overjoyed, my parents are already preparing the schedule for slave driving their lil piggy wiggy, take the dogs for vaccination, finish a few deals I started, more visiting to do, more driving to do…hmmm…my grams seem to be over the moon and so are the geckos and bugs that keep me company at night. All their prayers being answered while all I gotta do is count my wonky fingers and wait. Wait, wait and wait, wait for the night, wait for the sun, wait for calls, wait for short messages, wait for the perfect man, and now that I’ve found him, wait to catch up with him, wait to see where it all leads, waiting, waiting and yet more waiting. All this waiting is slowly driving me insane, robbing my peace and draining my smiles.

I am definitely not too pleased with the creator upstairs. He got me to pack up five months before shifting house, sure he had his reasons, but people around thought I was crazy. He got me to pack up my luggage and get ready a month back, this time(that’s two months in all), even though I know he has his reasons, people around me, including my parents think I’ve lost it. Today one of my friends dutifully gives a massive lecture as to why I should stop believing in God. Why oh why does the faith of this rebel be everybody’s scrutiny?

But, my situation is far better than a newly conceived woman who has to wait for nine whole month, a prisoner waiting for his life sentence to end or a cancer patient waiting to die. Therefore, what more could I possibly do, other than thank God for the huge doze of hope I’m blessed with and all the other blessings he has showered me with. It’s his business to still my heart while I wait, and not mine !

Note : The above was written by a long faced, scowling brat. She doesn’t like to have a long face, no she doesn’t ! If you wanna see a positive post, wait till her face takes a positive shape, which may be after she boxes her anger off. Any volunteers ?!?

My Handsome Sheik (“,)

2006-10-12T09:00:00.000+08:00

My mind is in such an exuberant state that I can’t even decide whether I like toothpaste to taste like ice cream or ice ream to taste like “Signal Whitening” specifically.

I wake up and I’m high and am high till I hit the sack. I probably am high even in my sleep, coz the signs are there when I awake. I have no idea how it happened, but my heart is way deep down in the UAE though my feet are planted here. Completely smitten by a handsome sheik, ‘Hisbulla Gullah’. I knew my destiny was definitely not down here, but down in the UAE ?!? I’m amused ! A guy who cannot comprehend a ball of English, but Gibberish, boy am I in for quite an adventure or what? (“,)

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
(E.E. Cummings)

No, the above quote ain’t my ticket of excuse for madness, but words so true. More about my ‘Gullah’ in the future.

Note : No one said this post was cryptic [dirty smirk :]

He Has Never Let Me Down

2006-09-24T07:40:00.000+08:00

Finally managed to make it to the Book Fair at BMICH on Friday. Wasn’t too impressed with the selection and the crowd was mind-boggling. Managed to get my hands on just two books from “Norman Vincent Peale” – “ Courage and Confidence” & “The Power of Positive Living”. He’s on of em authors one would never get fed up of. I was hoping I would be able to find the book of poetry by “Richard De Soysa”, but in vain. None of the local publishers seem to be having it. Please if anyone does have it, please don’t hesitate to contact me, I’d give anything to have that book or at least a photocopy.

On the spooky side, yesterday the car went absolutely dead for no apparent reason around Mount junction. The key just turned and twisted around the keyhole, but not a hum or even an attempt to start. So I stalled it right in the middle of the road, got mummy out of the car and jumped outa the car myself. Having had the experience of being in a flaming car, I so didn’t want to be there when the darn thing exploded. A fellow was I guess trying to pull a fast one by asking us whether we want the car made, and a cop was getting all concerned about the traffic which was building up. He suggested that I jump in the car and he helps me push it to a corner, and with shaky limbs, that’s exactly what I did, but low and behold, the minute I stepped in to the car all the lights started blinking without ever inserting the key to start. It could jolly well be an ultra spooky technical defect, but I’ve no doubt that it was God’s hand working to stall the car and delay us for a few minutes to save us from a catastrophe that would have happened if not.

God is Good……All the Time !

Are You Authentic?

2006-09-16T15:24:00.000+08:00

There is nothing much to write,
Nothing much to say,
Just waiting for my ticket,
To fly me far away - (Gobblezygook)

Been dancing under a disco ball the past few weeks….unpredictable and diversified.

- Took my first ferry ride with the car on it (Smooth but freaky)
- Munkey in ICU with a case of overdosed pills (I don’t want to find out why)
- Been trying to write my very own hand book on “How to Live Life” (Incase God decides to keep me till I’m 80 freaking years or something)

Really…I think I was engrossed in John Powell’s – “ Why I Am Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?” all day every day the past four weeks. It’s a book every living breathing individual must read. I started taking down notes as usual before returning it to the library, but Geez, I sure should have taken a photocopy instead, coz it so happened that I ended up copying the entire book in point form. Not a word was wasted. Every word made sense. The book is a marvel !

A section of the book speaks about all the different games and roles we play/Ego defense mechanisms we use to keep us hidden behind a well-masked image we have built based on the preprogramming each individual has encountered, willingly or unwillingly, consciously or unconsciously.

A List of Ego Defense Mechanisms:

(1) Always Right
(2) All Heart
(3) The Body Beautiful
(4) The Braggart
(5) The Clown
(6) The Competitor
(7) The Conformist
(8) The Crank
(9) The Cynic
(10) Deluded By Grandeur
(11) The Dominator
(12) The Dreamer
(13) The Problem Drinker / The Dope Addict
(14) The Flirt
(15) Fragile, Handle with Care
(16) The Gossip
(17) The Hedonist
(18) Ill
(19) Inferior and Guilty
(20) Indecisive & Uncertain
(21) Inflammable, Handle with Caution
(22) The Intellect, The Alias, The Egghead
(23) The Loner
(24) The Martyr
(25) The Messiah
(26) The Mommy
(27) Pounce De Leon
(28) The Poor Mouth
(29) Peace At Any Price
(30) The Pouter
(31) Prejudice And Bigotry
(32) The Procrastinator
(33) Yours Resentfully
(34) The Sex Bomb & Predatory Male
(35) Suffering Is The Spice (Price) of Life
(36) The Strong, Silent Type Vs. Willing & Wordy
(37) The Worrier

Come to think of it, most of us actually adopt or switch from one game to another as and when we feel it’s necessary to hide our true selves, which lie deep within us.

The book got the better of me, that I actually went to have a chat with a counselor. I wanted to know who I really was. Strip me down of all the defense mechanisms I use and bring out the authentic real being struggling and screaming to get out. I paid her to listen to me, to argue and counter argue with me, to challenge me and interrogate me. My last session ends next week and I feel free of half the baggage I was carrying for donkey’s years. Counseling ain’t only for mentally deranged, I wish people realize that and try to get in touch with what they are fearfully hiding inside.

I also realized that I am still holding on to an image of someone who managed to fascinate me when I was a kid. All my life I’ve been trying to find him, trying to find someone that resembles him. I don’t know his real name, but the nickname (Me thinks), tall, dark, lanky and smiling eyes. I remember his eyes twinkle on an occasion I met him at a distant. The last I saw him was when I was about 16 years. All I knew about him was his physical appearance and a few people from his family tree, but I guess with time, I have successfully given him an image and a voice.

Crazy as it may sound that’s exactly what I have been doing. I guess I heard him on one of the crappy radio stations doing a crappy late morning show a few years back, but then he just disappeared from the face of earth without the slightest bang. I actually though I had managed to track him down the past week, but unfortunately I had been stalking the wrong guy (poor guy, I hope I didn’t freak him out). That said and done, I guess it is ona em unsolved lil mysteries I’d have to live with. It freaks me out to think how, now that I know I have been operating on a stupid image all my life. Would I be able to stop? Would I be able to embrace a new relationship with a brand new perspective? Who knows if Id choose to dwell on the childhood memory and live a disillusioned life than choosing to move on? Crazy as it is, I wish I find him before I leave the country in a few weeks, to drown my curiosity and to move on !

On an ending note…..Tell me…..Do you think you can tell me who you really are? Would it be a crime to find out how your brain ticks exactly? Why do you judge people who hide nothing, is it because you hide the same, but are more than ashamed to admit to them?

To Kill a Mockingbird

2006-08-17T21:37:00.000+08:00

It’s been over six months since I purchased the book “To Kill a Mockingbird – by Harper Lee” but never got around to reading it. I postponed devouring it probably after hearing my Dad’s review on it, I remember him checking out the bunch of books I purchased along with this book and twist his face to such a shape and pester me about buying something written half a century ago. He said that I might not like it and that it’s slow and boring. He wasn’t wrong, It is slow, but definitely not boring or a drag.

Even though there ain’t no proper storyline, one is bound to get hooked on to it, like a kid to a lollipop, but what I don’t get is why the author considers it to be a love story (My Dumbness) !

The book did play tricks with my mind, BIG Time ! The book offered me something I yearned for all my life. To grow up, whilst remaining a child and to savour the world, whilst remaining well hidden.

I sometimes do wish I could go back seven years from now and do things differently. I really do want to go back into the cocoon I struggled and broke free from. I think I like it in there than out here.

Outside the rain is falling,
Hard enough to rip ones skin,
But I don’t have to go outside,
Coz I’m already ripped within.
(Gobblezygook)

It all became clear whilst watching my two new pups, Casper and Wendy. Daddy stalls them in a cardboard box, which is kept inside the house, until he cleans their cage every morning. Wendy’s hollering ceases once Casper too is placed in the box, but Casper on the other hand, howls, screams and shrieks in vain to get outa the box. He is even smart enough to make a few attempts to cling to the top of the box with his neck and haul him self up with his hind feet. That Dog is a marvel (“,). Little do they know that the box is good for them than the outside world.

I couldn’t help but connect the whole situation to the relationship I have with my creator. At times we struggle too much to get out of situations, not knowing that the next leap we take against nature is going to be a mere ‘from pan to the fire’ situation. Just as competition and betterment is good for one, I couldn’t help wondering just how much of it is good and when it starts to get sour.

A few situations of the past kept randomly flashing through my mind

(1) Fall of Enron
(2) Suicide of Elvis Priestly and Curt Cobain
(3) Fall of Kabool Lanka
(4) Messed up marriage of Princess Diana / Death
(5) And the many huge companies struggling to survive and keep up with competition / Lawsuits

[No body said being huge would save the fall. Looks like the higher you go, the greater the fall] !

Just as much as I love, adore and am willing to give my everything for the business, I couldn’t help questioning myself if I wanted to be struggling all my life. Just as much as I am attracted to competition, the drive, the force I realized that I’d love to live like I din need any dough for tomorrow. I guess that’s what I really had at the back of my mind when moving to the jungle. I sure think God didn’t intend for us to keep competing all our lives. Doesn’t make much sense in that, but the problem remains in breaking away from the system, without tampering with the natural flow of life.

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
(Bother - Stone Sour)

Isn’t this what every one on their journey of adolescence feels? There’s something wrong somewhere. Wreck the System !

A Coward....She Is !

2006-08-05T18:27:00.000+08:00

[“The best thing between us is that we don’t meet, no talk, no sharing, but I am in Love. Sometimes I feel if this is yet another partial thing”

“I am happy that I promised you something * years back, which is my love to you, and kept it unbroken until this moment even after going through all *****. Just one advice, if you love somebody just go ahead with it, everything else comes after that. Just face it! You need more courage to do that!”]

I know that this doesn’t sound Shakespearian, but it sure managed to shake my world a lil more than Shakespeare has ever managed to.

Long Gone

2006-08-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

He calls and mumbles something about me having called him, but the truth is I never. Em memories remain memories and nothing beyond it. He mumbles something about leaving the station and leaving the country for good. It doesn’t affect me anymore and I hardly listen to him. Knowing his inside, his voice annoys me, it really does, and the sweet ring I thought it had has disappeared. The truth is that I don’t care anymore (even though I wish I did). A disease cannot inflict one too many times, now can it, it’s only a matter of time before he/she gets immune to it. I harbour no hatred, but I leave no room for plagues to grab my tail let alone walk past it.

The Blessing

2006-07-31T21:25:00.000+08:00

It’s been three months since we shifted to the jungles and I still haven’t settled in a regular church. I was just loaded with numerous choices, which weren’t satisfying. Choosing a church to belong should be done as cautiously as getting married (“,). There are bound to be terrible issues if the spirit of the church doesn’t cross paths by any means. They must agree on their belifs and interpretations to a level the worshiper is comfortable and at home at the place of worship.

Woke up late and missed my first choice for a place of worship. Then called Chris to find out if I could tag along to her place of worship, but unfortunately (or fortunately) she had decided to make it to the early morning service instead. I was determining to make it to church by hook or by crook, coz I was pretty low without em spiritual food and yearned for some of it. I wanted to hear loud and clear that God loved me. It may sound funny (it does to me) that I have to go looking for people to reassure about God’s love for me, when we claim him to be creator of the universe, but it is comforting to know that great Kings like “Sir-David-I-Killed-Goliath” had there moments when they felt distant from God and sure felt equally traumatized. The beauty of the psalms is how the great king amidst all his moaning and groaning always comes around and glorifies God’s name for saving him from the muck he has got himself in to.

The course “Genesis” made me realize that even the greatest characters were muckups, even though God chose to use them mightily. Something “Ivor Poobalan” said got deeply rooted in my mind. He pointed out how Jacob wrestled with God until he was blessed. I think he half jokingly mentioned about how we too must not let go of God just like the grabber Jacob. The story of Jacob is hilarious, when you really look closely at it. The guy seems to be portrayed as a born grabber. He was pining for this certain blessing, which was to be passed on by his father, that he goes to the extent of deceiving his father (and thereby his brother) in order to get it.

Getting back to yesterday, I got dressed and decided to go to the next available church at Colpetty (Hmmm…35Km drive) never expecting anything else than a good message to keep me pumped up for the next week. Pumped up I am ! I felt like Jacob, I really did. I have been crying out for a blessing, a special blessing from God all this while, and this feeling of having that moment come closer than ever before swept over me. The gentleman (I’d like to keep him anonymous for while) who was conducting the service was someone God has blessed abundantly in the same area. He had been lifted to greater heights in a miraculous way. Yesterday was my day of wrestling with God, I wanted to run and hide from the crowd and have a real verbal battle, but I sat there like a plum lil pudding and kept observing this special man of God.

I’m sure I looked weird, but I couldn’t help it, coz there was a raving conflict going on inside me. I remember finally speaking up to God, saying; “God, in front of me stands a man you have blessed and lifted up, I want the same blessing and I ain’t gonna leave until you bless me”. I don’t really go up to the front to get prayed for, coz I believe that God is my very own father and I don’t need a middle man to pray for me or do any muck like that, but at that moment, a still small voice gently spoke to me, urging me to make it to the front. I decided not to tell the guy why I was at the front, coz I knew God would speak to him the same, if God accepted my desire and was ready to really bless me.

All I did was go up to him and say “You know what I am here for?” and he aid yes and laid an anointing on me. He used the word ‘anointing’, which was like a confirmation that God has heard my cries and decided to let me have the same blessing. I had never been ‘filled with the holy spirit’ without shrieks and cries, but yesterday was different. I felt very radiant and filled with something joyful. I couldn’t help grinning even as I slowly steadily collapsed. I felt glorious, or even more, a feeling that no words can explain. I wonder if the gentleman who blessed me knew that he did to me, what Isaac finally did to Jacob, pass on “THE” blessing. May be someday I’d ask him.

He asked me if I was going to a church anywhere, and when I said yes, he casually said that I should come here instead. Wohoooo…so I finally belong to a church I really really like and are in par with my belief system. Liberal and right (in my eyes). What more could I ask for?

Thinking Towards Marriage / Committed Quoting

2006-07-26T22:05:00.000+08:00

I’ve been meaning to post a few tips / structure about what a couple should be concerned about before evening “Thinking Towards Marriage”. All honour goes to ‘Rev. Ted Rubesh’ for putting together the following structure (and distributing it among the class). I’m painstakingly typing it out hoping and wishing that it would be useful to at least some of the readers in some tiny way. I believe following this structure would lessen plenty heartaches, divorces and all of em unwanted problems faced by couples in (committed) relationships. Some of em questions would definitely help the ones who are trapped in a vicious make up-break up cycle to stop for a moment and ask them what they really want from the going nowhere relationships as well as from themselves.

(A) Knowing Yourself - (Your Personal Past)

(1) Family Background

a) What was / is your relationship with your mother / father?
b) Will your parents find it difficult to “let go” of you? In what ways?
c) In what ways will you find it difficult to “leave” home and parent?
d) What aspects of your parental home life were positive for you and what were negative? (their communication with each other; their love life etc..)
e) How might these factors shape your marriage for better or worse? What might you be able to do to lessen the negative aspects?
f) What is your family’s attitude towards your partner now, and how does this affect you?

(2) Relationships

a) Other than your partner, do you have close friends, or find it easy to make friends?
b) Have you had painful experiences of being let down by those you loved and trusted? If so, how do they affect your present relationship?
c) How have you handled relationships that have been difficult or disappointing?
d) Were you ever sexually abused as a child, or have you ever engaged in physical intimacy in a past relationship? If so, does you fiancée know/do you plan to share this information? (When?)How might this history affect you relationship together in the future?
e) Do you ever struggle with “same-sex” attraction? If so, will you or have you shared this with you fiancée? How might this struggle impact your future marriage? Have you sought counsel?

(3) Abilities / Achievement / Ambitions

a) What are your feelings about your level of achievement or non-achievement?
b) Are you creative / practical / intellectual / an organizer?
c) Do you have any major ambitions in life? How might marriage affect them?
d) How important is financial security to you?

(4) Spare Time Interests

a) How do you relax? Hobbies?
b) Are you a “people person” or do you prefer seclusion (or the company of a computer or TV?)

(5) Spiritual Growth

a) How have you grown (or shrunk) spiritually this last year?
b) How would you describe you spiritual pilgrimage so far?
c) How would you describe you present relationship to the Lord?
d) In what ways would you want to change?

(6) Physical and Mental Health

a) Have you had any serious physical pr psychological illnesses or treatment? How have these affected you as a person?
b) How do you respond to stress?
c) How would you describe your temperament? (Note : While Tim LaHaye’s “temperament model”…choleric / phlegmatic / sanguine / melancholy…does not cover all the bases, it’s not a bad place to start trying to evaluate your personality type. C. his book ‘Spirit Controlled Temperament’.)
d) What do you consider as your strong points? Weak points?

(B) Knowing Each Other - (Your Present Relationship)

1) Why do I want to get married? (I’m in love stupid !!!; social acceptance or pressure; desire

for relationship; sexual fulfillment; desire to start a family etc.)

2) Where does the Lordship of Christ fit in to our relationship? Do we share similar attitudes to commitment to Christ? Service for Him? Christ-like standards? The conviction that marriage is for life? The need for the Lord’s grace continually, helping us to achieve oneness in Christ Jesus?Do we find it easy to pray / worship together?

3) What attracts me to my partner? What do I value in him/her? Am I physically attracted? Do I have a sense of respect for his/her character? Is he/she the sort of person I would like to be the parent of my children? Can I compare him/ her favourably with others – (with my father /mother / friends)? Do I feel proud to be associated with him / her?

4) What needs of mine am I expecting for him / her to meet at present? (a clue might be “When I am disappointed or hurt in our relationship?”)

5) What are the areas in which we complement one another? Are our personalities compatible in daily living? Temperamental differences and needs? Tastes / standards / interests?

6) Do we keep each other informed about our schedules and whereabouts?

7) What are two of the happiest or most precious memories about our relationship thus far?

8) In what ways do we express our love for each other? (or do you find this difficult?) Is my partner able to “decode” the way I express my affection? (Note : a very helpful book on the subject is The Five Love Languages)

9) Are there boundaries on the level of our physical involvement with each other until marriage?Are we sticking to them? Are these parameters that we both feel are important?

10) What disturbs or irritates me about him/her? Which are areas of potential conflict? (finance. in-laws, communication, sex, children…) What makes us argue? If we don’t argue…why don’t we? How do we resolve disagreements? Who gives way? Why? How does “forgiveness” operate in our relationship?

11) Are we being realistic about our suitability for one another? Are there areas we/I need to talk over with someone else?

(c) Expectations - (Looking at the Future)

What do I expect from marriage / and what do I think you expect of me from marriage?

(1) Level of relationship after marriage:

a) What level of “overlap of lives” does each of us expect our marriage to produce? (maximum overlap / minimum overlap)
b) In what ways will we give our relationship “room to breathe”?
c) How will we “service” our relationship after marriage?

(2) Roles and Responsibilities

a) What are our concepts of Biblical leadership and submission?
b) How do we see the delegation of responsibility and the process of decision-making taking shape in our marriage?
c) What are your thoughts on “working woman” vs. “house wife”?

(3) Home

a) What do each of us expect with regard to “housing” and “standard of living”? How does each of us define “neatness” and “cleanliness”?
b) What is your thinking regarding the issue of emigration?
c) How important is “hospitality” and an “open home” to each of us?
d) How important are celebrations such as Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries etc. to each of us?
e) Who is going to cook, clean, fix the leaky pipes, take out the garbage, make the beds, pay the bills, buy the groceries, feed the dog….?
f) What’s my favourite TV programme? Hat’s my spouse’s? What happens if they are both on at the same time?

(4) Sexuality

a) What are my present feelings about my future sexual relationship with my spouse? (disturbed / fearful / anxious / neutral / expectant / excited / intrigued)
b) What do I feel is God’s perspective on our married love life?
c) How will the dynamics of sexual stimulation, response and climax differ between my spouse and me?
d) How will I deal with potential sexual problems? (pre-mature ejaculation; inability to maintain erection; inability to come to achieve orgasm, frigidity etc.)
e) Will I be able to refuse sexual requests from my spouse without offending him / her? (What will I say?) And how will I handle a “turn down”
f) How do I define “fidelity” and “faithfulness” in marriage? How would I deal with any infidelity and unfaithfulness that I might discover on my spouse’s part? How will I deal with it when I find it infiltrating my own life?
g) Who is responsible for birth control? I f we are planning to postpone having children, what form of birth control do we plan on using?

(5) Children

a) Do we actually want children? (when screaming and sticky) How many?
b) Who will be responsible for bringing the kids up? (changing the nappies, helping with homework, disciplining, etc..) What are our expectations for their education?
c) Who will take on the responsibility of spiritual discipleship of the children?

(6) In –Laws & Parents

a) What are my expectations of my in-laws? What are their expectations of me?
b) What are our thoughts on living with in-laws? What does “leaving” mean to us in practical terms? What does “honouring your father and mother” mean to us in practical terms?

(7) Finance

a) What are our respective ideas on such things as joint accounts / salaries / personal allowance / budgeting etc.?
b) Do my partner or I have strong feelings. Traditions or convictions in any of the following areas : family gifts / financial goals / insurance / savings / getting into debt (e.g. mortgage) / credit cards / tithing and giving etc..
c) What are our expectations about spending money on holidays / hobbies etc.?

(8) Christian Commitment

a) What expectations do each of us bring with regard to frequency of church attendance? Where will we worship together? What level of commitment to church life will we pursue?
b) What place will prayer and time in God’s Word together have in our relationship
c) How will I balance the obligations of ministry, marriage and family? Which will receive priority?

Who’s Life am I In ?!?

2006-07-20T10:15:00.000+08:00

Disappeared from the face of the earth? Nooooo…I’m still here. Getting rid of me ain’t that easy! Everybody is struggling to survive, to make it to the top and I am still caught up in the rat race, struggling to get away from it, but it seems a lil difficult, but not impossible. I want to blame the government for making work, business and money making this overwhelming. I don’t get what they are doing; neither do I want to figure anything out. I’m trying to ignore every act of the government and imagine that they simply don’t exist by focusing on the God I believe in, who is mightier than anyone on a worldly throne, and it seems to be working coz at least I am blessed with the strength and hope to move on, which the government keeps robbing from me.

Life is truly a battle and I am just feeling it, there is one goal after another. I wish I could hide my self, so that no sunlight wake me up every morning, coz I need some rest, rest without anyone or anything hassling me. I want to wake up and not battle life for one day, not think about pending work, not think about bills to pay and not think about 10 years from now. I envy em people who run around without a goal or passion, who live for the moment and die laughing. I wish I could have what they have, Irresponsibility!, Even though I know it ain’t the best for me. I want to not care and not have guilt prick me in the ass. Arrrgh………

You wish there was someone sharing your bed at night and putting you to sleep, coz your hands and legs are numb, very numb from all the driving and frustration of the day. Someone like a masseur would be nice (what were you thinking?) (“,). It’ 6 o’clock and all you want to do is sink deeper and deeper under the ruffled, warm sheets and hope 6 o’clock would only come in a couple of gazillion hours, coz amidst all the hope and strength, you still need to push em weak legs to run faster and faster as the day proceeds.

You use everything you can get your hands on just to keep you awake. Self help books, ice-cream and anything that tastes and smells like eucalyptus. Is this called depression?!?, No, this is called life. This is what it is like trying to fit in a month in to a mere 24 hours. You go on and on and on wanting to stop and just drop dead, but once you are shot down, you pine and whine till you are back on your lame two feet again battling life full throttle. This ain’t the life I ordered, who’s life am I in?

I suddenly see life as a dart board, whishing I was that arrow landing on it’s bulls eye, but the truth is that this arrow must taste the rest of the dartboard before conquering the perfect space in the perfect centre. Lets see where this arrow lands next !

I Deserve to Live ! (to Live in Peace that is)....

2006-07-09T14:38:00.000+08:00

My darling cousin who is with me at Bible College finally got married yesterday. It was a simple and lovely wedding and she looked simple, natural and pretty herself. Amidst plenty of “you are nexts” and “ a lot more annoying comments, I survived, since I’ve learned the art of evading the ever so unwanted question most professionally and politely. I was pretty thrilled about the whole occasion and was thrilled about the whole idea of being clad in a Sari for the second time (the first Sari was worn three years back…ouch…wasn’t that a disaster to remember). It was draped ok by Mummy dearest, after much screams and curses and twisting and turning my limbs around until she her self was dog-tired. Arrrgh……but the problem arose when I tried walking with it, I couldn’t walk two steps without slightly raising the Sari in a manner someone would tug on to it before they faced a flood. After all that torture, I’m planning to get mummified again in a sari this Monday. Wohooo for the piece of shimmery silk !

Some ding-dong bell who couldn’t mind his own business had petitioned to the 119 (cops) that a family from the minority is supposedly residing in the once most important house in the area. The cops turned up for a friendly chat last week, since they had come before (the previous arrival could have been a result of a petition as well….who knows?). It was the first time I felt victimized and unloved by my own country fellowmen. I suddenly felt like an outcast, who was expected by society to live in fear. I can’t really explain the exact emotion I felt…..but I cried…that’s all I could do.

The cops asked us to stick to being who we are and not to hold it against anyone, and was very nice to us by giving us their personal numbers in case of emergency. I on the other hand don’t want to suspect any of the (so-called) neighbours, but I can’t help looking at a few of them with a squint eye. I am a living breathing person who deserves to live, breath and enjoy every privilege the majority of this country enjoys.

Born and bread in ‘Horana’ my Dad had learnt Singhalese and Buddhism all his life though his Dad was from an Aristocratic family in Jaffna. According to what I’ve heard (never had the opportunity of seeing the lovely old dude) my happy-go-lucky Grandpa was a man who was loved by all in the village of Horana (a lil away from Panadura). My mum on the other hand even though she completed her education in Tamil, joined the government sector as her first job (where she met my Daddikins of course) and was living amongst the majority in peace and harmony. I on the other hand carried out half my education in Singhalese [since there was no one at home who was good with the mother tongue to assist me (which is quite shameful, of course)]. We had no problem with the majority, we love them, since most of our friends, relatives and colleagues are from the majority.

Though professing Christians, we don’t let interesting session of Buddhist preaching pass us by. It is a brilliant way of life, even though I don’t agree with the beginning and the end of it and there are plenty Buddhist monks who are just fantabulous. My dad still tries to twist the Buddhist way of live in to every argument we have, which complicates the situation and finally drives me to the point of giving up.

Why I mentioned all the above is just to say, that we’ve been breathing the same air the so-called majority has been inhaling all these years. We lived in harmony. They love the iddly, thosai, sambar as well as the lasagna and the soups my Mum makes, while she pines for the aluwa and the kawum yummily prepared by her friends belonging to the majority.

NOT all Tamils are terrorists, even though it had so happened that all Terrorists are Tamils. But that doesn’t create an excuse for anyone in this country to penalize the so-called Tamils. Just as I am proud to be a Tamil, I am damn proud to be able to speak my Singhalese without an accent, unlike many who profess to be Singhalese (I guess it’s time I took some time off to learn my mother tongue as well even though it seems complicated). I am as patriotic about my country as anyone (at least I ain’t one of em who throw garbage on the streets). All of em who drive wonky on the road and cause accidents aren’t Tamils (I have never knocked anyone). All of em who scheme and kill each other aren’t Tamils (Me or my family has never taken a life of another so far).

Tamils and Singhalese as well as the rest of the community in Sri Lanka are bound to make mistakes, coz we are mere human after all. This ain’t my war, and neither do I want to contribute, speak about it or be a victim of it. I downright detest it and pray that the Government, by hook or by crook eradicate all the so-called terrorists who have only made living in Sri Lanka harder for the people born with a Tamil background (My Nationality is Sri Lankan and not Tamil…Get that ?!? ).

I have not run away from the country or thrown stones at the Government. My parents aren’t politicians but hard working individuals who have supported the Government by means of taxes. We put up with them and all their nonsense since we want our lil Paradise back just the way we had it 50 years back. It could be Mahinda, Ranil or any other Man, as long as he can do justice to the country. Living is difficult, business is discouraging, but yet we struggle and survive. Friends, family, pol sambol, wood apple, mangoes and rambutang, which other country can offer me that ?!?

This is My country and I deserve to Live here, don’t dare take away em rights from me !

--> We are no longer Greeks or Jews or Slaves or Free men or even merely men or women, but we are all the same, we are Christians; we are one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3 : 28)

God Doesn’t Need My Help !

2006-07-02T16:00:00.000+08:00

Arrrgh !!! I just can’t keep up with life anymore! Too many assignments, too many weddings and too many things to grasp. Life is subtly happening, but I’m just too tired to participate in all of em events [as oppose to a few weeks back, where life was more than dead and buried] !

Just coming out of a horrifyingly confusing phase regarding leavening everything and settling down in UK or settling down in here. Whatever I did, I had to make my decisions fast, since the new admission/semester begins in September. Was spot on about going till last Sunday, with sponsor letters, hunting for colleges, begging em registrars for a speedy response, documents, sign ups, recommendations [Yuck] ! I felt certain I had to leave, Even though I kept committing the whole situation to the Lord on a daily basis whilst seeking His direction, since something about me leaving didn’t feel right. It was confirmed through God last Sunday at the “Four Square Church” – Nugegoda, when someone prophesied about a promise God makes to revive a business belonging to a businesswoman.

My body was soaked with perspiration and everything was at wits end. My drive to church could have jolly well ended in a nasty crash coz I kept stepping on the accelerator a lil too much than I ought to a lil too often [anything more than 80 on a crappy car like Maruti is far beyond dangerous], but the prophesy brought about a sense of peace & fulfillment. It wasn’t the same insanely confused girl who was driving back home. I should have trusted God a lil bit more than trying to help him sort my issues. When he promises to restore something he does it in his own time, which is the best time.

However wonky these situations are gonna make me feel, I’m beginning to like em since it is the only way God is gonna get me to grasp lil secrets of his Kingdom. When I was reflecting on the situation that had just passed me by I came across a story from the past where “Sir-Father-of-All-Nations” too went through a similar ‘battle-of-the-paths’ phase.

God promised Abraham a son of his own, but it was a lil difficult for both him and his wife Sarah to believe this miracle which was supposed to take place since he was nearly 100 and she 90. Sarah, in order to help the Lord fulfill his task, offered her maid Hagar for Abraham to slumber with. [What a disaster it caused, a disaster which carries it’s traits even into modern times]. But, clearly, that was not what God intended for Abraham, God promised a son for Sarah [a legitimate son, born within wedlock] who would covenant with God.

Crazy as it may sound, all the jumping around and getting dizzy I did was an utter waste. I should have waited till the mighty hands did the job instead of getting depressed and confused. I should have remembered God’s promise about the business. [Silly Me] !

So here I am calm and cool again, in absolute peace with myself, with the supposed patriotic feeling painted right across my heart[not forgetting my face]. This is His situation, not mine, even though it logically is folly to silently wait upon God, that’s all I am gonna do, coz I know that the next move I make without his consent is gonna Holler back DISASTER !

Following God’s word is like playing a game of checkers. It’s the right move or the wrong. One can make the right move according to God’s will and prosper (within his will) or make the wrong move and go around in circles or be wiped out by the enemy.

Adieu to His-Supposed-Supremeness. My Loss ! (Who Knows) ?!?

I am yet pretty much a Con Artist for my own Good. A con artist who deceives others NOT, but her own poor self.

Rebellious by Nature

2006-06-17T11:45:00.000+08:00

It feels like I’ve been spending too much time trying to hide and trying to operate undercover, that the very thought of taking any sort of lead in public freaks me out. The slightest bit of attention thrown my way, cripples me, paralyses me and eventually kills me…….heheheheh

[I’m just messing] !

Confession – I’m missing Colombo as well as the fast paced life a lil too much that it’s beginning to mess a tad lil bit with my mental well being.

Disappointment – The movie “The Da Vinci Code” was a bore. If I hadn’t read the book, It would have been quite a mess to watch. A all time failure !

Lil Mercies – This lil town needs me (or so I’d like to think)…yeah…they need me and most of all they need God !

A Dash of Happiness - I gave a lift to a stranger for the first time yesterday to a mum and her two lil kids (me think they live way down my lane). I could have stored the car and done a lil hula dance after dropping them, but I pumped up the volume of the car stereo and got the glasses shattering with my croaks instead.

Enlightenment – Finished the course “Introducing Isaiah” with Pastor Mike Reith yesterday. It was an open Bible exam, but I think I conked it up big time, but while flipping through the book of Isaiah for answers, a lil passage spoke to me, and spoke to me Good.

--> If you keep the Sabbath’s holy, not having you own fun and business on that day, but enjoying the Sabbath and speaking of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day, and honouring the Lord in what you do, not following your own desires and pleasures, nor talking idly – then the Lord will be your delight, and I will see to it that you ride high, and get your full share of blessings I promised to Jacob, you father. The Lord has spoken ! (Isaiah 58 : 13 – 14)

Of course I knew this passage, but because of the resentment I had towards the Church loaded with man made rituals and rules, I guess I was happier going against the tide and taking the commandment lightly substituting it with a verse from the New Testament. Rebelliously clutching on to this verse from the New Testament I chose to go dancing on Sunday instead, just to prove a point to em holier than thou so-called Christians who keep only their Sabbath days holy.

--> So don’t let anyone criticize you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating Jewish holidays and feast or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these were only temporary rules that ended when Christ came. They were only Shadows of the real thing – of Christ himself. (Colossians 2 : 16-17)

The problem here wasn’t the fact that I was evading the Sabbaths (rightfully, Sabbath is the 7th day of the week, whish is Saturday of course), but the reason I was doing so. The real problem was my rebellious heart, my “no one rules me” attitude. It also made me realize the resentment I had towards the Church and that it was time to let go of all of it. It was time I stopped running away from Christian fellowship, it was time I stopped judging them by what they say and do (as oppose to what they believe) and realize “To Err is Human”.

The Perfect Him

2006-06-11T05:37:00.000+08:00

It’s 5 a.m Sunday Morning and I haven’t had proper sleep for the past two weeks. Of course this is God’s humble way of telling me “Judy Poody, you got a lil issue I need you to fix”. And here I am wide-awake and trying to figure out the best possible way to mend the bend.

With me are yet another few books that are life altering.

-> PsychoBabble – By Richard Ganz
-> The Lies We Believe – By Dr. Chris Thurman

The latter is a perfect book for perfectionists and people with serious flaws like myself (“,)

It all boiled down to this :-

It all felt like a fairy tale until now, when something had to be done. I can’t hide away from my wayward feelings and neither can I run away from the prevailing situation. He’s known me for a good four years and has claimed to have set his eyes on me ever since. (Hmmm…..I’ve heard that before, but fortunately or unfortunately his statement is quite genuine). I remember him first walking in to my previous place of employment, and yes, he looked the type of guy I’d fancy, but no way would I even dare look his way. He sounded perfect in all his ways, and I vaguely remember the whole office speaking of him. He was soon forgotten when I walked out of my place of employment looking for greater challenges.

It all started when I met him again after a couple of months at a function I attended back at my previous office, when his feelings were revived and numbers were exchanged through third parties and the usual bla bla…….. I guess I couldn’t care less back then coz I was just out of my very first & horrible relationship and to get away from all the attention I was getting from him I did something mean and stupid, by inviting him to a church get together and ignoring him. I guess it annoyed me to figure out that it wasn’t going to be a “One Man” situation anymore, Mr. Spikes had broken the so-called policy I cherished for 18 years (which was part my fault), and here I was considering this unknown stranger I vaguely admired. After much explanation and apologies, we remained friends. I don’t think he knows what really hit him back then even as at today.

[A piece of advice – Women at 18 are volatile, so are men. Never let relationships get you when this young. The world is moving faster and everything happens premature and instant and we all make the mistake of going with the flow and getting trapped in painful situations that could have been avoided otherwise.]

Two years went by and I transformed from a rebel to a somewhat civilized, reformed individual, who actually looked at life with binoculars extending across a span of a couple of years as oppose to when I was living on the edge and grasping each moment as it passed me by. I remember him walking in to my office one evening and we spoke about life and how he was hurting over a broken relationship. Slowly but steady it evolved in to a so-called relationship, where the parents knew and all that jazz, which lasted a mere two weeks ( a part my fault or may be even entirely).

He is one of those guys every woman yearns their man to be. He’d be your best friend, guru and everything you want him to be. He was more like the guy who wants to grow with you, know you inside out, figure out how ugly you are inside and yet choose to be there for you. It was amazing to watch him pursue his career, pursue his education whilst humbly accepting his failures in the past. Guys like em rarely come by. So what went wrong you may ask?

I freaked out ! I couldn’t handle PERFECTIONISM ! It all seemed too good to be true ! He, in my eyes was too neat, too organized, too rigid, too orderly, too demanding and just TOO PERFECT ! So much for harping about waiting for that perfect man huh?

After almost a year of silence, we are back in talking terms and trying to reconcile, but the fear hasn’t left me yet. And the good amount of reading on gaining insights about yourself as well as the others is just not letting me escape the past and the fact that I better face my fears now than never.

It’s funny how our brain works…really. I remember unconsciously mentioning how I always wear an image of a chaotically messed up individual on the outside, while really being calm and in control on the inside. That itself is an unconscious behaviour which I haven’t figured out reasons for doing so and here is a guy who is striving to be a perfectionist just like me and is brave enough not to camouflage it with make believe images and I’m freaking out at the very thought of it. [Sigh]

All I can do right now is to wait upon the Lord for direction since Mr. Perfect is a non-believer and I am still clearly in a freaked out state of mind and am by no means in a hurry. It could jolly well take, days, weeks, months or even years. I remember grappling with this issue of mixed marriages since I was a brat. How come we Christians claim to love & treat everyone equally when we outcast the non-believers when it comes to intimate relationships and marriage. After all Christians too are prone to temptation, sin and faltering just like the rest of them. I’ve finally come to terms with [2 Corinthians 6:14-18] . In reality (in terms of the modern world), it surely means more than merely uniting with another Christian, it involves goals, ambitions, work ethics, lifestyles etc.

--> It is more logical for man and woman in a marriage union to be accountable to one master who is God himself, but in the case of a mixed-marriage union both will not have God as their focus, where one will think from a Christian point of view, whilst the other from a mere world view. The different opinions in most cases eventually clash at some point.

--> Sharing a mere five or ten year goal ain’t enough, but a goal towards eternity [1 Corinthians 9 : 24 – 27] .

Of Evolution, Creation & Plain Dippy Me !

2006-06-04T03:47:00.000+08:00

With all hopes of watching the Da Vinci Code flushed down the toilet, I’m wearing an ugly scowl on my face for a reason I simply cannot fathom. I read a Christian site harping about why one shouldn’t go watch the movie with motives of enjoying it. Huh ? So….that makes me less holier than thou, is it ?!? A traitor ?!? Who am I to defend God, the creator of all mankind? It’s a different story for Christian Apologetics to publish books, articles or use whatever mode to help the readers of the book and the viewers of the movie to figure out what is truth and what is fiction, but another to force them how to feel about the entire story.

I hate doing my accounts just as much as I hate my greens (even more so may be…hmmm). Even though her lazy ass has been procrastinating doing the final accounts for quite some time, now the time has come for it to be done with (to avoid unwanted trouble). And Halleluiah ! I’m almost coming to the end of it and would finally be able to enjoy a good night’s sleep..

[Why Me Lord] ?!?

Things are finally settling in and taking a slow pace, a slower pace than I’d actually like it to be. (Typical Human !! When its sunny they yearn for rain and vice versa). The fewer posts is not due to a all day-everyday-ultra-hectic schedule, but simply coz it’s a slow and painful process to post with a dialup connection. I don’t even check my mail on outlook now, keeping it all web based seems quicker and easier (but then again, that too seem to take a gazillion years).

There are more things robbing my sleep at night than just plain insomnia, a person I owe an explanation to, the schizophrenic lil girl who has gotten worse. I should have paid more attention, I should have kept at it, but I gave up too easily. My ignorance and unwillingness to get my hands dirty has turned around and stabbed me guilty! I’m back on my mission and this time without looking back.

As usual got in to several arguments about creation (which fortunately didn’t turn bitter) with Daddy and a dear Uncle who is a family friend.

Evolution?!? Nonsense !!!

My partially skeptic father was trying to blend in evolution and creation. According to him, God created man through ‘evolution’ (what on earth has so called evolution got to do with creation? There ain’t no beginning, and there ain’t no end).

As for the Uncle, his biggest issue was scientists finding fossils of living beings which are millions of years old and according to his learned self, the world is way older than it was supposed to be created by God. Oh ! Did I forget to mention that he himself is a Scientist ! Them and their gone wrong measurement sticks. They have no proof that the ice age existed before creation. There is a huge possibility (a definite possibility) for the ice age to have started after the ‘Great Flood’. I’m yet to explain this to him, which would give birth to another heated up argument. I’d be doing great injustice if I didn’t mention the following about him and his family. They may be non-believers, but lovely human beings I adore, way better than some of the believers I know.

I’ve definitely been put to the test these few weeks. Even though I am spiritually topped up, I can feel my emotional and physical well being tanks evaporating. If I didn’t know how to top my self up spiritually, I would be an empty vessel by now. Oh ! sure God is a IOC gas station which pumps fuel for free, but only if we stop by and ask for it. I was too ashamed to ask, too self sufficient to need his providence. I forgot his loving touch, his mercies and countless blessings; I got back in to my lil nutshell of living a self-centered life.

He called to tell me that his family was rejecting him for being a believer. Why? God Why? Open em eyes that are blinded make them see you, reveal your self to them. I remember him being a pillar of strength when I was yet a baby believer and felt stripped down and naked when I took a leap of faith to believe in the unknown and unseen. His faith amazed me, even when I was a professing Satanist tearing down every believer along with myself. His love for the Lord was greater than his love for anything, and it was clearly embedded in everything he did. I’m blessed to be able to profess my faith freely, but he will be twice as blessed for holding on amidst persecution.

--> “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13 5-6)

--> When you go an extra mile than you ought to, you find yourself out in deep water with Christ. Realizing that the ground is not solid beneath your feet, you cling to him. You feel his support in ways you would normally never notice. Most people would never leave the harbours of love. They are afraid to venture out on the high seas of radical, non-retaliatory, second-mile love. But that’s where the action is. That’s where God’s presence manifests itself in a far greater way than shore-bound people could ever imagine. That is where people are startled to take a closer look at Jesus Christ.
(Who are you when no one’s looking – by Bill Hybels) - Edited

Obscure Thoughts on Fascination

2006-05-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

This year seems to be slipping through my fingers way too fast and I’m still left with a lot more to accomplish than I already have. I have moved completely away from competition and stopped living for others, and life finally feels like a journey on my own personal highway than a race, but yet, I feel inclined to run a little faster than I really ought to, an urge I should learn to curb.

I wish I could type out my emotions whilst behind the wheel, coz that’s the peak of plenty obscure images, visions and thoughts that zap across my mind, thoughts from the very bottom of my heart, weird opinions about theology, psychology, poetry…etc….I even caught myself weeping uncontrollably (thankfully behind my shades), for so many freaking reasons by no means bother me even indirectly in real life.

All Human beings are fascinating creatures. Been wondering, if fascination is the beginning of love, then does that mean that once commited or in love one should resist fascination, since fascination usually leads to obsession (cannot-do-without-feeling). It may be stupid to think in these lines, but this is the truth. Yes, as usual something triggered it. He picked up the guitar and played “D el Mariachi by Los Lobos” for me. I’ve seen him a coupla of times, heard him play before, but never bothered to notice anything beyond his capabilities of fulfilling his job. Unconsciously I was clearly fascinated. Seated in fronta him playing away, I just couldn’t help noticing the gleaming, smiling face, the friendliness and his inquisitiveness to know who I am and what I am. He spoke a language I understood, but couldn’t express myself with, and I spoke the same. The moment kept repeating in my head long after I had left his sight. Of course there was nothing beyond fascination, but fascination itself in its purest form is a warm and lovely feeling, that I fear to experience anything beyond it.

The two subjects I’m taking this semester are teaching me plenty new ways to look at the divine creation of the male and female in an entirely new perspective. I think I’m finally comfortable with the fact of being submissive to a man after comprehending why being submissive in today’s fallen world has become unpleasant.

Are men actually losing their place in the society these days? Yes, they actually are and it irritates me to know that there just ain’t no explanation or solution to it. According to the original plan God made man, to dominate, and woman as his “other half” (notice that I have not stated anything in the line of ‘better half’ or ‘insignificant aid’), only to be submissive to the man. It is also clearly stated that both man as well as woman, equally represent the image of God in terms of his characteristics. If the man & woman were made to “SERVE’ the rest of the creation, love each other and SERVE & DEPEND on each other whilst the man naturally is ordered to take the lead (whilst taking the woman’s opinions in to consideration) where have we gone wrong today?

In today’s fallen world it’s either “His Lameness” who gets pushed around first by his mummy dearest and then his wifey pifey, a man who simply cannot make up his mind and take a decision on his own or “The Ultra Macho Male Chauvinist” who forcefully, brutally dominates anything and everything that crosses his path. The in-betweens who strike a balance between the two are quite a rare case. The two categories of women are either “Madam Dominaty” who attempts to dominate the entire universe or “The Lil Slave Girl” who stays victims and get harassed by the rest of the creation. Something is definitely radically outa place. The only unsatisfying explanation I can come up right now is that this too is a consequence of our fallen state :~

Last week Ted was lecturing about the absolute differences between male and female and how each of the species must learn to celebrate the uniqueness. Why has the world all the while been attempting to segregate and detach the two species from each other? Is this fallen state actually a state of confusion? Is it all man made? Looking deep in to every burning issue taking place around us, it is definitely not impossible for man to resolve it himself. This is just another one-tracked way to look at everything that has gone wrong in today's world. Wouldn’t most of our problems be solved if men and women learnt to respect each other? Wouldn’t men not go to war, if they only thought twice about how a woman would feel in the midst of turbulence? It hurts to see the man who was made to protect, now destroying all that there is. There probably would be no rape, incest, infidelity and everything nasty in that department, if only mankind knew the purpose they were made for.

We are made for him, for each other, one man for a woman (no man for man or vice versa) (“,)

Bought two books, whilst getting the other one free (yippy) to read up more on the stated issue.

Me? Obey? Him? – by Elizabeth Rice Hanford
Love Must Be Tough – by Dr. James Dobson
Who You Are When No One Is Looking – by Bill Hybels

Ma Sexy Likkle Strumming Bird

2006-05-22T07:46:00.000+08:00

Finally got myself an acoustic guitar. I just couldn’t wait any more, too much of emotions were building up without an outlet to flush em, the work out’s and the rest of the activities were just not enough to keep me sane I guess. It’s been a tough couple of days with the house still under renovation, lectures, friends & family all keeping me ultra occupied.

Things that usually grab me unaware and leave me annoyed and tangled up have failed to do so these days. Either I’ve been too busy and exhausted that I didn’t have enough energy to notice them or my soul has grown cold and immune to the cruelty and unpleasantness around me, I don’t think I want to find out which one it is. The only incident I remember that drove me up the barbwire fence was a certain lady asking me if I was still schooling? Left school? Or whether I was looking for a job? PLEASE….I’m old enough to have 5 kids…grrrrrrrr…I’d give anything to look grown up, and may be I need a few lessons on how to act grown up as well.

The second semester just started at Bible College and am only taking two subjects this time around. I actually intended taking only one, which was “Genesis”, lectured by “Ivor Poobalan”, but then I see “Issues of Sexuality & Marriage”, by “Ted Rubesh”. How can I ever miss a subject like that, after all each subject is repeated only ones in 2 years. I guess it’s about the biblical view about the whole scenario, which I sure want to clarify.

I do miss loafing the roads of Colombo and the easy access I had (atleast during the weekends) from Wattala. It does get a little lonely sometimes, and the telephone doesn’t really seem to work miracles. So instead of adopting a man, I decided to adopt a slithery & sexy guitar, bright, red and shiny. Wohoooo !!! I’m exhausted by figuring out the chords and trying to break the strings, but happy that I finally got to touching and feeling a strumming bird of my own. It’s definitely gonna take awhile to be playing like a mediocre, let alone a pro and surely gonna take a heap of practicing, time and energy, but I’m gonna love every second of it. I simply can’t seem to keep it down, unlike the Piano that got me utterly disgusted. Ruban gave me the first few lessons on the strings over the phone of course and Chamath gave me the rest, again over the phone. Apparently the guitar is supposed to be terribly out of tune, no wonder everything I play sounds crooked. The piece of wood is just lovely and the strings, HEAVENLY!

First day at Panadura

2006-05-01T05:03:00.000+08:00

It’s 5 in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep since 3 a.m, whether it is due to the gripping fear of some creature trying to strangle me dead or due to the sheer excitement this place had offered me, I’m yet to figure out. I wasn’t speaking of em imaginary creatures and monsters who hide inside closets, but real living breathing, fluttery, gooey, icky, soggy, long legged, colourfully ugly creatures.

Started with a ‘pol kuruminiya’ (that’s what my uncle called it) inside my blouse in the morning and ended with a scary looking grasshopper sitting right on top of my bed-sheet and glaring down at me, a if I was some sorta God sent yummy dish for him to devour on. Did I forget to mention about the big fat ‘thalagoya’ in the garden?

It is 5.50 a.m and it suddenly got bright outside, I’m opening the window even as I am typing this and all I see is green, all I hear is the chirping of em feathered ones (they actually start chirping as early as 4 a.m) and feel a lovely cool breeze attempting to break in to my room. The rest of the household is fast asleep and even thought there lingers a sense of loneliness somewhere in my soul it’s overtaken by a strong essence of peace I have never felt before.

Boxes and boxes of things are yet to be unpacked and everything is waiting to be placed in order, the painting and polishing is half done, but the world looks beautiful amidst all of this. The war is going on in Sri Lanka for a reason I don’t understand, me being an individual from the minority, was warned about wanting to settle down in Panadura, due to the fact it being surrounded by the majority, but I adore all these people and they love us back without a doubt. I really do love these people here. Warm hearts, open doors and smiling faces, what more can I ask for? Amidst all that is going on in the country, the world still looks beautiful to me. Em ugly blotches ruining the beautiful creation no longer annoy me.

The guy who has undertaken the painting, as well as his crew are believers who start the day with a hymn and prayer. Lovely ! A carpenter lives right opposite my premises. A vehicle mechanic is a buzz away, a superb welder lives a few houses away, an electrician a lane away and things are much cheaper here (a broom is Rs. 50/- here while it’s a freaking Rs.85/- in Colombo). I’m yet to figure out the rest of em humble luxuries waiting for me.

I saw a mummy monkey with a baby monkey in the garden today. (Yippy, I finally saw a monkey) ! But on the sad note, Johnny is lost, he has gone on a lil exploring trip and I only hope he’ll find his way back. Silly Dog !

Adieu My Childhood Hometown

2006-04-30T21:56:00.000+08:00

Shifted off from Wattala to Panadura (FOR GOOD) on Saturday (29th). It was almost close to midnight when we got our bums down here after bidding em old neigbours good-bye. Aunty ‘T’ hugged me and cried, which came as quite a shock. She happens to be the lady to whom I give a lift every morning (for the past 1 ½ years). She is a tough ‘recovery officer’ at a leading bank and has ample exciting stories to entertain us. Sometimes, it’s a story that continues for a coupla days, of wonky clients and bureaucratic, lethargic colleagues. I was quite moved by her reaction, I never expected to mean so much to someone.

‘L’ came along and was spending the last few minutes chatting away, but it meant nothing to me now. No…’L’ ain’t a guy (grin), she’s just my childhood best friend and immediate neighbour. I guess we’ve lost touch in the midst of getting lost in the rat race. It was no use speaking about the good times we had, the games we played till midnight, the years we had lost and how fast we’ve all grown up. True, ‘Kattiyawatta’ was where I grew up, but somewhere down the line, I had lost the warmth I felt for the place (or may be I never felt any warmth at all, due to all the horrible memories the place carries). Em neighbours are nice & thoughtful, really…they loaded us with food and drinks before we set out, they have been there for us for the past 19 years, but there is something missing. Something I expect ain’t there and I don’t know what it is for sure (so let me withhold my judgment).

Zebu died Friday night and even though it would be wrong to reason out why the healthy dog just faded away, I believe he was sent to us for a reason beyond our comprehension. So it was only Johnny for the car ride, this being his first time, he was going bananas. A few minutes on daddy’s lap, and then a trip to the backseat to be on mummy’s lap and then back to the front again, an attempted leap outa the windscreen and an attempted leap outa the shutter. He was nothing short of a mess; he would suddenly creep through dad’s lanky feet and start licking my legs, which were busy driving (which was quite a dangerous, pleasant surprise).

The ‘Panadura – Horana’ road ain’t the rosiest path, but the drive was all worth it. The house looked gorgeous at night (Yeah, this is the first time I’ve laid eyes on it at night). All I had the strength to do was, eat and sleep, of course with my dirty clothes.

I’m loving the weather, controlled by all the trees surrounding this area. The nights aren’t too hot and fan is just an option. The afternoons are warm these days, but pleasantly warm, not to a boiling point.

Overall, I’m thrilled to glory with this place (even though it ain’t blessed with ADSL) and all thanks and praises be to God ! What would I be without HIM ?!?

The following was the devotion for the day in the ODB yesterday.

à I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me out of a horrible pit (Psalms 40 : 1-2)

From sinking sad He lifted me,
With tender hands He lifted me,
From shades of night to plains of light,
O praise His name, He lifted me !

A Taste of Death

2006-04-26T07:27:00.000+08:00

Heat Exhaustion has gripped me again. It’s a miracle that I’m up and pumping this morning, for last night was surely a taste of my last few minutes on earth. My breathing pipes were acting wonky and I was clearly short of breath. I could feel my body getting overheated from the inside and my head turning a good 360 degrees ones every few seconds. I so don’t want to see the day we might have to carry oxygen masks along with every trip we make to Colombo.

Panadura is glorious by far. Fruits, trees, birds and squirrels scampering up and down and yes, monkeys as well. Apparently there are monkeys who come to devour em fruits, but I’m yet to catch a glimpse of them. Heavenly! It’s the drive to Colombo and back that get’s me, but I’m sure God has a solution at the tip of his fingers for that as well.

Speaking of God, my entire family has been seeing God’s hand at work more than just a couple of times this month. He started with the sale of the house before the contract got breached and before we looked to alternatives. As usual, He was right on TIME.

The next massive miracle happened last Saturday on our way back from Panadura, down Torrington, while heading to drop aunty Pansy. A plush, cute convertible (and odd navy blue in colour) which was clearly out of control (should have been doing 100+ for sure) was heading straight towards me from the opposite direction. I swerved it to the far left, but it was of no use, but in that split second the car missed me and with a loud clank of metal, stalled right in the middle of the road. I wasn’t in the right mind to get down and scream at the dude, but I think he was quite young (if I remember right, there was a female in the passenger seat), I wasn’t sane enough to jot down the number, or check out the brand of the car. I went on my way, while he pulled to a lane close by. But if someone knows the owner of such car, I’d like to have a chat with him. I’d like to know what happened, I’d like to know why the car stalled, coz I know that it wasn’t the guy who was responsible for the narrow escape. Something unexplainable happened.

The third biggy happened last night. Mummy had left some beef to be roasted on the fire and apparently the whole house had fallen asleep. For some odd reason, my cupboard door creaked open and I woke up to the sound of it. It was freaky to see the door open at first, but what caught my attention was the roasting/burning smell of some sort of meat. Boy ! wasn’t I correct, the chunk of meat would have caused a disaster (to remember) if gone unnoticed, He had woken me up not too early and not too late.

What would I do without Him? All I do is sit and commit my day to him every morning and the day is HIS. The distance sometimes hurts that I wish I could see Him face to face and tell him how grateful I am for all that He is.

I’m still waiting for the next piece of the puzzle to be handed down to me, coz I have quite certainly come to a dual fork in my life. He is taking his time, but as usual I know that He’d be on time and meanwhile I’m doing a better job at keeping my heart still that in previous occasions. Practice has made me better, if not perfect.

--> Lord, How I love you! For you have done such tremendous things for me. The Lord is my Fort where I can enter and be safe; no one can follow me in and slay me. He is a rugged mountain where I hide; he is my Saviour, a rock where none can reach me, and a tower of safety. He is my shield. He is like the strong horn of a mighty fighting bull. All I need to do is cry to him “Oh, praise the Lord” and I am saved from all my enemies! (Psalms 18 : 1-3)

Hypothetical Femininity

2006-04-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

Went for an interview today at a leading college as a ‘student counselor’. The atmosphere looked tolerable as well as flexible and I don’t mind the job. I think it’s the best thing to do till the next semester starts in September. The biz will take off a smooth sailing from the beginning of next month and I would be left with too much time in my hands and as the saying goes ‘an idle mind could just be the devil’s workshop. I’m impatiently waiting till God’s plan falls in to place. Let’s see where this is all leading !

Shopped with Mummy in order to make some last minute visits before we leave this area for good. I was admiring the way Mums was shopping like a typical woman. Check out something, twist it, turn it, compare the price, the quality, the material, getting my opinion (blab ….blab) at the same time I saw plenty girls shopping to glory with their cute lil manipulated boyfriends in the very similar manner. I can’t figure out whether I am saddened or amused by the fact that I could never do something feminine like that and on my drive back home I couldn’t help replaying every single incident that happened around me during the shopping experience. I couldn’t help trying to comprehend whether the problem was I, the people outside or whether I should just be blaming it all on diversity of interests and the uniqueness of God’s creation…hmmm ?!?

I rarely shop for clothes in Sri Lanka; neither do I shop anywhere else. Even if I do, it’d be once in a blue moon (last time it was after 2 freaking years). Of course it’s different with food, silver spanking jewelry, movies and books and yes, I can tolerate shoes to a certain extent as well. Either I get stuff from people here, or wait till my dear aunty darling decides to get her butt down to SL with my cousin’s clothes, which look nearly new, though old. It’s crazy, but em clothes just cannot be compared to the rubbish that’s on display in the local stores. The pity is that all of em highly durable and branded clothing are the sweat, blood and tears of our dear Sri Lankans.

[Deprived We Are] !

I remember walking in to the store and getting all geed up by the battery operated / radio controlled cars and receiving blistering barnacles from Mums. Then I took a walk around to check out if there was anything that caught my eye. I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew exactly what my taste was and since nothing existed to that note, it was the end of the road for me [done with, lost interest & bored]. Instead, I got observing em young women, and may be even envying em to a certain extent. They looked so elegant compared to me slinging my bag of goodies on me shoulder and trotting back and forth the store.

I’ve always enjoyed being a girl and doing girly things like hanging on the phone, paining my nails and shopping for hours, but em habits just faded away with time, I don’t engage in either anymore. I’m still very much a girl, I love to mess around in the kitchen, design my own clothes, pottery, interior designing and a little bit of sewing, but just cannot get on with the rest of the women I encounter (It could be vice versa). Make up, prim & properness and the flirty feminine shrills are intolerable.

[Pathetic Whiner I Am ] !

I guess I even tried to wear an imaginary mask sometime back, just to fit in with this particular group of women, but guess it didn’t work for me. Just as much as I desire to have a like-minded girly buddy, guess I’ll forever be deprived of my wish by the looks of it. Running a reality check most guys are no better, they are either puny & metro sexual or male chauvinists.

[Women] !

Just as much as I am more than happy with the tomboy I am, there are times I wonder whether it is the supposed feminine grace I lack or just some sorta emotional maturity that I have attained at an early stage.

On an ending note, the blog suddenly feels like a very unsafe place to jot down thoughts. My worst fears seem to have some true (shudder….shudder) it could be that he has access to the blog.

When You Don’t Stand for Anything, You Fall for Anything

2006-04-19T09:59:00.000+08:00

It’s still very early in the morning and I should be at my devotions intead of rut-trutting on the keyboard, but feelings have to be typed out and preserved before the mood changes and I don’t sound like what I write.

I dropped in at Karin Ramachandra’s beautiful residence yesterday to collect the books I had given her as well as to get an opinion about them and amazing I had the honour of meeting Dr. Vinoth Ramachandra. I’m half way through his book and am left quite impressed and respect both of these individuals just as much as I do my Mentor. My knees were clearly wobbling jellybeans and my self-confidence quite ripped down while I was in their presence. I was thrilled to hear what Karin had to say and a gazillion more times thrilled to have met Dr. Vinoth. She makes it sound so easy to absorb the world, people and all the nonsense we keep banning “BAD”.

One can decide to either plan his life or not plan at all and go with the flow. Planning involves building ones own worldview to stand upon, in order to stand strong and solid without wavering. I remember Jaci saying this yesterday… makes sense huh?

“When you don’t stand for anything, you fall for anything”

Building this so called worldview isn’t an easy thing and I’m still in the process of unlearning quite a lot of my old thinking whilst absorbing the new. Even though some of my Mentor’s Brown’s and Greenwald’s explanations are very true, some don’t really bring about the freedom I am looking for. There is a certain amount of rigidity involved, which isolates the individual from his own community. I want to strike a balance instead and see the world in a different way. I want to keep remembering that this world was made for me to enjoy and devour and stop feeling like a victim. I want to stop seeing others as victims I need to make a pounce on and redeem before the system abducts them. There again, I guess I’m yet struggling to break the system (would I ever be happy without rebelling).

Got a long day ahead and a wonky car to be serviced. My mind is already not appreciating the fell of the cold garage I’d have to put up with for a good 4 hours.

Empty

2006-04-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

I was initially planning on blogging about the Paganism of Easter, but then decided not. All controversially religious topics shall be posted at http://worldviewofgobblezy.wordpress.com from now on.

I’ll be back to driving my folks around from tomorrow. Arrghh!. How I hate driving. The holidays just flew with all the packing and organizing involved, but wasn’t too impressed with my productivity. I dread to think about all the running around I’d have to do from the 21st whilst renovating the house and shifting and I’d only be able to survive through it with an extra dose of Grace granted by my Master. What would I be without him?

Everybody keeps asking about as to how I’m going to maintain my social life after shifting off to the village? Yes, it is going to be messy for a while, but I believe short term sacrifices need to be made in order to achieve lucrative long-term goals. It never struck me till a friend invited me for a concert, which falls on a date after I shift. My first thought was “Ouch! What have I got my self in to”, forgetting the fact that this was God’s leading all along. He brought me to it and he will bring me through it. I’m just half way through the plan he unveiled an year back and I’m impatiently waiting till the next few pieces of the puzzle are placed NEATLY in my hands.

Now that the end of my stay at Wattala is drawing neigh, I’m swept by a sense of emptiness and insecurity, not because I’m unsure of Gods plans in my life, but to leave the comfort zone, the place I had grown up all my life. I’d be dropping in at the YA meeting tomorrow for the last time to say adieu to Jacintha, Jennifer & Uncle Brie (Me think that’s his name, at least it sounds like it) and it's sure gonna break my heart. I’m already wishing I spent more time with them. I don’t want to be regretting and wishing all my life, so may be this change is much needed for the business as well as for Judy Girl.

I found my self frantically downloading all the tracks I could think of, coz apparently Panadura doesn’t have ADSL as yet. (I’m almost in tears).

As for the dogs, we decided to keep “Choo Choo Boo” for good and of course change that kinky name of hers. After hours of trying to decide on a name that sounds decent and easy to pronounce whilst sounding similar to her old name we settled for “Zebu”(French), which means humped ox of Asia & Africa. For some hilarious reason the name seems to suit her quite well.

It has been quite a whiney & empty week; hope the sun shines brighter than ever tomorrow to make me smile.

But I woke up in the morning, sexy, yawning
Feel like it's gonna be a good day
No war on the street, no way, today
Everybody kick back like a holiday, aight.
You shine, I shine and
The whole world looking like a gold mine
You get yours and I'll get mine
And we'll help each other make it through the bad times
(Rebel Music – by Wyclef Jean)

Of Lil Things That Fill My Soul

2006-04-14T17:30:00.000+08:00

I’ve finally got a well-deserved break from driving for the next four days, till Monday. Yesterday was just crazy with the scorching sun, funerals & coffee meet ups.

Met Mano Emmanuel, who is my lecturer at CTS, for the last time before she made her way to UK for a coupla months. I’m glad I was able to make it coz I don’t know if I would be here when she returns. I don’t think I took more than 4 classes under her (4 days to be precise), but the impact she had on me when I was yet a crawling Christian was just immense. I truly consider my self lucky to have had the opportunity to spend some extra time with her away from the regular classes.

Just watching her has made me absorb more than I could have scooped out of a book, that I just can’t put any of them in to words. I wish there were more women like her and a part of me wants to possess some of the qualities she reflect. She is definitely some one who would go straight in to the list of people I respect. She really didn’t have to, but she had actually kept in mind me mentioning the need of a bible for a lil boy I knew, and bought a bible to be given to me, as well as another awesome book by the name “The Jesus I Never Knew – by Philip Yancey” and a stunning pair of dangly jewelry, exactly according to my taste. I was awestruck, not about the gift, but more about the thought.

There are some who walk in to your life, create a huge bang and leave you empty, but then again, there are others, who subtly win your respect and leave you filled up to the extent that you overflow. I only wish she would remain my mentor and my friend for longer than usual friendships blossom and fade.

I’m awestruck by quite a couple of people these few days, that some have actually made me walk around wearing a silly smug that I just cannot contain.

Pissed @ Sugar Coated Bullet Shooters

2006-04-11T09:49:00.000+08:00

I write this in tears, with hurt, with bitterness and a lot more negative traits than one can ever imagine.

I’m confused as to how good, generous, kind and reachable a person can be. I sure faced fewer problems when I wore the Satanic IMAGE. But this ain’t an image, not another surreal transformation and I can’t go against it, but the people around me keep angering me to a point that I cannot silently, politely bear it all. Most of them who try to take advantage of the kindness are hardcore-so-called-Christians, and one is a Zoroastrian and another a so-called-righteous-Muslim. I have no problem with religion, cast and creed, but why I stated the differences was to make my point clear about all of us being in a fallen world, driven by avarice and the force spares none, not even the saved Christians, unless they really decide to break away. We are all prone to temptation; none is holier than the other (this includes myself)

I’d like to reveal four incidents that got me extremely depressed about our human nature, but something surely is stopping me from doing so).

I am not a saint myself, but just a teeny tiny blob in this universe who believes that He died to set me/us free.

Arrghh! The world is fallen beyond repair, I wish He Comes and Restores it before it is too late !

Conclusion :

(1) Don’t judge a book by its cover
(2) There is no smoke without a fire.
(3) Judging is not ours, but being cautious is.
(4) It’s ok to be paranoid (now go check that door lock for the 100th time)
(5) You can’t love your neighbor exactly like yourself, at least not in this era.
(6) It is O.K to be selfish in order to avoid unwanted issues…Flee…Run…HIDE !
(7) Do not listen to man (a good number of them are insane); listen to God, for there is no solution man can give you, for your ugly fallen state.
(8) You cannot be too nice to anyone, if you do, they’d rape you, mug you and eventually kill you.
(9) I will NOT multiply. Cute as em imps are I want NONE (I wouldn’t even let my dog lit a puppy in to this fallen system) !

I am angry, very angry, but am quite aware of all that I type right now. I have absolutely no regrets about what I have stated.

Note : Errm….em So-Called-Christians who are waiting to find fault would point out; that anger is not from the Lord (If so…. say it again…LOUD & CLEAR), coz anger is quite surely another emotion and a blessing by our maker. Jesus himself felt anger and so did his disciples. It is merely an outlet to flush the frustrations that enter us of the fallen world.

--> Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over - (P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.)

--> Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - (Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar for 1894)

--> They are not all saints who use holy water - (English Proverb)

--> A great deal of what passes for current Christianity consists in denouncing other people's vices and faults - (Henry H. Williams)

Balu(Dog) War !

2006-04-08T23:24:00.000+08:00

Jeffry & his wife came along and left one of their four dogs ‘Choo Choo Boo’ with us for a week, till next Saturday. We thought that the dog we already had, ‘Johnny’ would appreciate the company of a female dog (biatch), but alas, it didn’t seem so initially. We chained both the mongrels and slowly let them get to know each other. Tame as ‘Choo Choo Boo’ (CCB) is, he was all out to be buddies with mine, but the savage, possessive and ultra hyper ‘Johnny Boy’ just didn’t seem to hear of it. He first sniffed at the new playmate, and did the doggy dog thing and then pounced at poor frightened CCB. Dang ! There vanished all hopes of having the new dog over.

Spoke to a couple of people whether they’d like to help us out with looking after the fellow, to which Shyam finally agreed. Big relief! But thought we’d give CCB and Johnny one more chance before we gave CCB away to Shyam. So there Mummy was holding the chained ‘CCB’ who is all calm, scared & whiny and Daddy with the frowning, boisterous & jumpy Johnny.

Long spans of sniffing and quite a number of spit baths after, the two are finally buddies. Peace is finally dawned at the Kanagaratnam habitat. Phew! My Dog’s got a fiancé after 9 long years of waiting and trying to snatch the biatches on the road (who already belonged to some other mongrel). I hope they’d be playmates in the future than humping mates, coz all I saw ‘Johnny’ do was hump her and she shake him off.

Looks like Mummy is already contemplating on whether or not to keep the furry female with us for good. Does this call for horrible nightmares or a sweet site of some juicy animal romance? Only heaven knows.

Observations a coupla hours after : ‘Chooo Choo Boo’ seems to be having ticks and pregnant. Might not keep her after all. 'Johnny' deserves a fresh yummy lady, not an impregnated, infested, snob.

(Did I just feel a tick run across my back)…Yuck Yuck !!

He Still Haunts My World

2006-04-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

Finally got my hands on ‘Broke Back Mountain’ & ‘Munich’. I’m yet to watch it though. What does my eyes fixate on at the movie store? A guy who’s a replica of ‘My Munkey’. He was as white and lean with the same gelled up stiff hair, but taller. That pale look on his face took me by surprise and knocked me off my senses. That was the end of the bright and sunny day…..

That wasn’t the only thing that put an end to my sunny day; my dinky toy let me down for the first time. It got stuck a few metres away from home, with a weak battery. Experienced the “Thallu Start” system for the first time as well. No! It ain’t a nice feeling to be stuck. Even though there was plenty of help, it still brings about a very creepy, isolated feeling. I still strongly believe that they should allow horse or bullock carts on the road again.

Heat Strokes

2006-04-05T12:31:00.000+08:00

The heat is killing me, slowly, but surely steadily. I suffered quite a number of heat strokes yesterday and falling asleep (even with the fan on in full swing) was another torment by itself.

I detest the urban areas, I really do. I saw a minor accident yesterday. A van overtook from the left and hit a motorbike, which threw the passenger off the bike like a blob. It was then that it occurred to me that we are mere vegetables, nothing but lumps of cartilages. But the scary part is, we clumps of blobs are on an adventure to take on the earth (smirk).

I wish there were lesser vehicles, more trees. I wish Colombo were like it was 50 years back. No, I ain’t against the technological advances, all of them can still happen whilst preserving lovely nature. Where did we go wrong, at what point did we fail to notice and are some of us still blinded of the tragedy about to befall the nation (I say nation, coz I have no right to speak about global issues or I’d rather not make it my business coz I am more concerned about my country, the soil where I was born).

I wish we could go back to living in mud huts, ride bullock carts and get away from this rat race. It’s been almost a year since I’ve tried to break away, but not a chance, every body around me expects me to be a rat in the race, everybody around me keep dragging me forward every time I stop to take a break. One more year, they like or not, I will break away. I will stop running this race, the never-ending race of avarice, the need to own more, the latest, the best, and the flashiest. Arghhhhhhh! When will it ever end?

Environmentalists never made any sense to me before. I thought they were a bunch of jobless extremists who only cared about preserving nature, but boy! Weren’t they right all along? I fear to think what would become of us within the next decade. How long will we have the comforts of electricity, and fuel? Oh sure we have alternatives, but how long will they too survive? Have we exploited these God given gifts too fast too soon?

Just as much as I wanted to see an economic boom in Sri Lanka a few months back, I now believe the best leader is chosen to strengthen the agricultural sector. We don’t see it coming now; a scarcity of edibles will overtake us like a thief in the night. We may have the dough but have no food to eat, all the rivers will be soiled that we will be left with no clean fluids to lubricate us blobs.

I don’t now how, but I wish some one broke this system down, other than a power hungry political party of course. I wish our leaders as well as the citizens had genuine love for our country. The past few days, I’ve seen plenty posters carrying the slogan “Ape Kama” (My Tush)!. Why don’t we start up by cleaning up the garbage we scatter across the streets, why don’t we start by planting a tree in our premises? I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s not about the amount of trees we cut to make furniture, but the amount of trees we plant in return.

Never thought a simple heat stroke would get my mind this messed up !

Renovating the Cottage

2006-04-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

The Wattala residence was finally sold yesterday, Praise be to my Master! We are officially homeless till we complete the buy at Panadura, so guess we’d be here for another 3 weeks, the most.

The thought of leaving itself has left me quite high, even though it has left the rest of the family in a grumpy mood. I never liked this house actually I hate it. I really, really do, may be even more than I hate my vegetables.

Finally decided on the colours to dress the cottage in Panadura, but still contemplating on whether or not to tile it. Went tile hunting today and boy! Didn’t it get my head spinning?

Naveen Ceramics – Customer service is unheard of here and prices are the same as any other major tile importer.

Rocell (a.k.a Royal Ceramics) – Daddy seems to be quite taken back by their quality, but as for me, I am totally knocked out by their price. They are thrice as much as the imported tiles. Sri Lankan product of a high quality at unaffordable prices as usual

Y2K Ceramics – Superb customer service, but the prices aren’t any lower than the rest of the importers and not too much of a selection.

Terracotta – Even though this is my personal favourite out of the list of preferences it’s the same price as the ceramic tile, more fragile and needs more maintenance. My folks seem to be totally against it.

Overall, tiles are too freaking expensive, I think I’ll probably go ahead with an alternative.

I got to wait till I build my own house to get it my way. Kabok boundary, rugged walls and granite floor and curtains made outa gunny. May be I’m exaggerating a wee bit, but this is exactly what’s on my mind. Any attempts to implement them right now would definitely leave me homeless.

I couldn’t help noticing a house down Horton Place, a few yards before Barista. Simple as it is from the outside, the house that was once white is now painted “samara”. It looks just amazing, but the walls have been tainted by a bright purple, which takes away the rugged, earthy look of the entire house. Arrghhh….I hate ultra clashing colour combination. Sure I’m no expert, but guess I like it that way.

Just as much as renovating or building a house is tiring, it sure has the ability to give the owner a sense of SATISFACTION and leave her with a BUZZ. I’m loving it, just as much as I’m hating it.

Other than that, I got my hands on two must read books today :

"Gods That Fail – by Vinoth Ramachandra"
His wife, Karin, who is my lecturer, recommended this book at the last weeks lecture. I’m still to grasp the book, but reading a few pages from all over the book, I just can’t wait to claw it down.

"It’s About Time - by Ken Smith"
Came across this book by accident, but I am loving every word in it. It is more like a self-help book, which is a must read for every Christian. It helps one think rationally about how to strike a balance in the day-to-day life, how to handle procrastination (I sure have a PhD in it), anxiety and over commitment. I believe I found this book at the correct time to rearrange my ultra messed up schedule.

Do We Practice What We Preach ?!?

2006-04-03T01:44:00.000+08:00

Feel the rain on your skin, No one else can feel it for you, Only you can let it in, No one else, no one else, Can speak the words on your lips, Drench yourself in words unspoken, Live your life with arms wide open, Today is where your book begins, The rest is still unwritten.
-(Unwritten – Natasha Bedinfield)-

Can’t find the answers, I’ve been crawling on my knees, Looking for anything, To keep me from drowning. Promises have been turned to lies, Can’t even be honest inside, Now I’m running backward, Watching my life wave me goodbye.
-(Running Blind – Godsmack)-

Two contradicting tracks by two artists who are worlds apart. One, absolutely bright and sunny and the other pointing directions at the dingy, dark alleys. The first one gave me hope whilst the second tore them apart. I guess it’s all about seeing the glass half empty or half full.

Yesterday was the last class on “Christian Worldview” with Karin Ramachandra. I gave her the books written by Rebecca Brown, coz I wanted to hear her opinion on the confusing content. The books state a very rigid way of looking at God’s entire creation & I ain’t liking it. Yesterday’s class made quite a massive impact on me; coz the discussion was about “relationships with the non-believers and the outside world”.

It sure wasn’t a pretty discussion, coz I was being convicted every few seconds about my past behavior towards people who didn’t share the same worldview. I’m more than convinced that just as much as it is my business to tell my loved ones about what I’ve found, I have no right to shove anything down their throat, even through pure love, but I so wish and wish they’d see the truth, before it is too late.

During the discussion, I sorted a few arguments that were tormenting my mind for days.....

(1) Just as much as Christians are uncomfortable participating in religious ceremonies held by non-believers, even marriage ceremonies, how come we insist all the guest to participate the ceremony held at church, followed by a sermon/mass to solemnize a Christian marriage. We Christians sure act selfish most of the time and that’s a fact. It’s all about us and our feelings.

What got me thinking in these lines was nothing more than a Hindu wedding I was forced to attend on Friday. I was feeling a lil awkward to make it for the wedding at all, but since I had no choice (former neighbours) I reluctantly tagged along with my family. I was relived to find out that the wedding wasn’t held in a temple after all, but in a hall. The rituals followed were fascinating to watch, even though they seemed over-rated. I got talking with Mum about what was running through my mind and oh boy! Didn’t she get a shock, coz she’s the type of person who’d think about what others would think and think twice before breaking the traditions.

But it was sure a relief to hear Karin agree with what I stated. We could make alterations according to our convictions after all.

(2) The worldview of most of the churches are quite flawed and they have no right to tie me or anyone else down to a certain denomination. Just as much as I respect the traditional churches I don’t agree with most of the stuff they do. It’s hard for me to agree, even if I try. I hate the whole concept of a rigid mass/service chanted for an hour like some sorta mantra. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I also hate the whole idea of Christian’s being split in to different denominations and churches. I for a fact don’t wanna belong to any of these. It’s a pity that most mature Christian’s still stick like glue to the man made law/rule that every Christian must belong to some sorta denomination.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : So Judy girl, which church do you belong to?

Moi : I’m non denominational.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : Ah? What are you saying? How come? No..no..no..you must belong to some sorta denomination, or how come you're doing the course at CTS?

Moi : Errmm… Alright, I go to 'Four Square Church', and I go to 'AOG' and I go every where else (grin grin. Smirk)

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : You must eventually belong to a church, you MUST !

I don’t really see the point of doing so, I believe I have the right to walk in to any church any day and praise God with the rest of the people, share their joy (& sorrow of course). What is behind the whole man made concept of BELONGING to a certain church or denomination? “Are they greedy for our “tithe”? (I wonder)

The latter day churches are counting the number of people turning up just like a farmer would count his eggs. This is saddening! They do not love the congregation with all their heart; most are money and power hungry. This is the truth and I don’t fear to speak it.

We are just as flawed & tainted, twisted are our minds and dirty are our hearts. We claim to believe the truth but refuse to live it.

It scares me to know that I’ve been living with a flawed worldview for the past one year. If only the church taught me about the love of God and the Joy I would receive through the Holy Spirit, the beauty of the Creator as well as the Creation and about the Hope I could hold on to, I wouldn’t have made half the mistakes I made in my past.

Sadly The Catholic Church I attended till I was 14 and the Charismatic Church I attended for the past one year has failed to teach me so. So have they failed to teach the same to my parents and their generation and the previous. They are incarnated with rigid, false ideas that don’t help the act of love, joy and peace at all times. They have not been taught to put God First in their lives.

I remember all the stories about Abraham, Jacob and the gang, but not once did any one of them in authority teach me “Who I was”?, “What my Purpose was”? and “Where I was going”?.

I’m angered, even though I shouldn’t be. I wish I were of some authority to change the way the churches thought, the way they projected themselves, the way they loved and behaved. They got so much to offer and I am thankful for what ever I have learnt from them, but at the same time I am disappointed and saddened by the fact that they refuse to live out the truth.

Me think me am gonna make an attempt to live it out even if it means, getting my name tarnished and daggered down :

A Strange Desire

2006-03-28T00:47:00.000+08:00

A strange desire is born, or implanted rather, by my Maker. A desire I have detested and run away from all these years. A desire to step out of the country for a while. I applied to a college online, in the same county as where my aunt lives. I actually applied with no expectation of a reply, but what do I see sitting in my in-box today? A mail from the college! I don’t know what I should be expecting or what next I oughta be doing other than going with the flow, but I’m completely at peace with my self, which is an assurance that em heavenly hands are at work. This is sure an answer to my pleas of one whole year and I never even asked for anything in this line. I hate to leave the country other than on a holiday. I just can’t handle it for more than a week. I wonder how it will go, coz it will probably be for about 6 months – 1 year. I only hope it wouldn’t be more coz even this sounds terribly unbearable.

P - Pray
U - Until
S - Something
H – Happens

The above makes a lot more sense to me now.

--> Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. (Jeremiah 33 :3)

Sour Grapes

2006-03-26T13:14:00.003+08:00

I’m just coming out of another blanked-out season of hibernation. Was juggling with driving people around, splitting my attention on a coupla books whilst trying to compile some bizarre worldviews tormenting my mind. Em bizarre thoughts always look good on paper whilst miraculously relieving my mind. (I am yet to understand the mechanism of this therapy).

Things are falling in to place in a miraculous way. I’m glad that I waited upon my Master than attempt to screw things up with my puny human intelligence. Intelligence and human ways are sweet, but when things are just beyond me and I just can’t think straight, It’s always nice to hand over the steering to my Father in heaven, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. And yes, I can’t think straight coz my hyperactivity has definitely got the better of me and thrown me absolutely outa focus. It really does scare me coz I know for a fact that my mind, body and soul aren’t in connection with one another when so. I can’t seem to shake off the mist and bring it back to connectivity. I’m curious to know where this whole thing is leading, since every day is a new adventure with my Captain. His playfulness is unfathomable most of the time. It just cracks me.

He caught my eye the first day I walked in to that place. He was everything I wanted, just everything I ever dreamed of. The fact that there actually is a possibility for em feelings to be mutual just knocks me off myself. Why am I kicking myself hard and trying to resist these feelings I feel? He’s already got a girly in his arms. SOUR GRAPES !!! Sigh…

I nudged God with the age old prayer of “Father, why did you have to send this dude now, and why with a woman…arrghhh…help me focus coz I know I can’t have him. Numb these feelings I feel for him and keep me far away from him” It worked fine for a coupla of weeks, but they are back again, it’s impossible to ignore em. It’s crazy coz as usual it is just a mere fascination and nothing beyond that. I want his attention whilst at the same time don’t want him. I know it’s selfish, but that’s the truth. All in all It’s nice to know that I am still capable of at least fascinating somebody, I know that my feelings aren’t dead.

Me took a tickle test for the hang of it a coupla days back.......

Quiz - ”What’s your type?” [My TUSH !]
Result - Forget Mr. Average! You go for the artistic type!

Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique man who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words, music, or attire. You're attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms. He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his "inner self". You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this man knows how to make you feel special. He's in touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!

This man sounds too perfect to exist. Artists have always managed to captivate me. An artist in my mind isn’t just a painter or anything in that line. It could very well be a con artist, writer, poet, musician, interior designer, architect, a jungle John…etc. Fascinating as they are, their mood swings and the fact that they like to secure their space freaks me out. They could knock you off your feet and at the same time make you feel miserable to the extent of putting you through a suicidal bout. I am enjoying my space too much to let any frog take a leap at it.

Apart from the usual muddle, I’m all thrilled about shifting to Panadura and redecorating the cottage. If there is anyone who has a sharp eye for colour and want to share their expertise, I’m open to hear out em opinions.

He Hasn't Failed Me Yet

2006-03-20T14:17:00.000+08:00

"Jesus’ Blood Never Failed Me Yet" I love this song sung by ‘Jars of Clay’. NO…He has never failed me, he came to my rescue even before the clock struck it’s 11th hour so that I could scream his name out loud for all to hear. He did not put me to shame but kept his promise. He sure is my friend, the lover of my soul and all that I need to exist down here on earth. He is my walking stick, my wheel chair my vitamin & my Prozac.

I wish I had more ways to express my joy than pour it over my blog. I wish my loved ones too would open the eyes of their heart and welcome this amazing friend I’ve found to dwell in them. I wish they would yearn to experience the joy I myself feel. Nothing compares to it, nothing ever will. The following is another track by 'Jars of Clay' that touched the roots of my heart.

(Faith Like a Child)
Dear God, surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

I can’t stop talking about him. I did want to stop one time, thinking that I just might offend the non bilievers, but NO…nothing would ever stop me now. Wouldn’t you keep harping about a better half who surprised you with a Ferrari Enzo, when all you could afford was a Bajaj two-wheeler.

It’s amazing how Jesus is never too late or never too early. I almost burst out laughing reading John 11 last night. It makes me happy to know that my creator really is quite cheeky and is capable of playing a few practical jokes with his creation. How boring would life be otherwise?

What are you waiting on God for today? Relief? Provision? Direction? God's timing is always perfect. Hang in there, don’t lose hope, he will never fail you nor forsake you. There is beauty in his silence and splendor in his mysteriousness.

Give Him a chance to BLOW YOUR MIND !

Quote…..
So if I stand let me stand on the promise You will pull me through,
And if I can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You,
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs,
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.
Unquote……(If I Stand – Jars of Clay)

Once a Rotter Not Always a Rotter :)

2006-03-15T14:46:00.000+08:00

I’m shocked at the petite mistakes that are brought to my notice every waking day. It’s a joy to be convicted of the errors that I have been warming my bum on in ignorance.

Brutally blunt as I am, I tend to dagger out exactly what I think of people and situations. I just had my own opinions and explanations for every thing that passed me by. Every question had an answer and every problem had a solution & every one who asked for advice heard exactly what I would have done in the particular situation they are currently facing (and be convinced that my way was the only way)......Dang!

I did attempt to change when I was a Satanist, since I was rigidly following “The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth” and the first one being “Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked”, but it wasn’t long until I slipped back to my ‘Highly opinionated, Ultra Protective Nature’, since there was no basis to these teachings I followed and it wasn't a practical way to lead one's life.

Their problems were my problems, I had to protect everything I loved and knew. If someone asked me to recommend a certain person who had played or even attempted to play a crude game somewhere down the line (once, twice or a gazillion times), I’d just tell the truth and warn them against dealing with the certain individual (especially in business and financial dealings). I always thought this was right, until I was convicted today. May be I was slandering their name leaving them with no second chance to rectify their mistakes. This conviction also included me labeling people to be :

(1) Wannabes / Poseurs
(2) Bitches
(3) Players
(4) Stingy Misers
(5) Gay / Lesbian
(6) Ultra Horny
(7) Jerks
(8) Losers
(9) Proud / Wicked / Jealous / Haughty…the list goes on…

Practicing to hush and not judge people ain’t no easy job, especially with the big (harly) mouth I’m blessed with, but what is wrong is wrong and what has to be changed needs to be changed. I must find ways and means to warn people in a diplomatic way (shrewd as it sounds, warning just has to be done sometimes).

This also brings to my notice that revealing another individual’s true nature just shouldn’t be my business no more (unless of course it brings about justice to a worthy cause).

Why would I want to confide in any one what I wouldn’t want the public to know, when I got my Captain in heaven to discuss all the confidential issues with. This way, one has nothing to hide. Reminds me of Pastor Hans sharing about how one must be transparent and reachable at all times during the “General Epistles” class last week. It did take me by surprise, since I was used to being a tad lil bit of a loner and preffered operating undercover (disagree with me you may…hehee...but really! I am a loner) and I sure have a habit of hiding myself in hibernation every once in awhile.

Conclusion : - If I say I believe in him and claim that I am made in his image, who am I to judge mere humans. If He is merciful enough to forgive me, who am I to say that I’d never forgive another. If My Father did change a filthy sinner like I in to something better who am I to underestimate his power to change another. If I claim “Nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1 :37) who am I to say “once a rotter always a rotter”.

--> If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1 :9)

--> I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Gal 2 : 20)

--> For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self- discipline. (2 Timothy 1 : 7)

Em Thrada Drivers & Thrada Lingo (",)

2006-03-13T21:31:00.000+08:00

Who were em four giddy heads in a white wagon that screeched away recklessly and irresponsibly around Moratuwa this morning? & Who was dat ridiculous ‘Shaggy’ impersonator who was driving a loud mouthed, hot pink Lancer that couldn’t move faster than a tortoise, but still thought it was cool to block my path? The pinky sure reminded me of colourful ‘babul’ or rather candy floss (“bombai-muttai” according to Grams) Hmmmpphhh…Show offs!

Me actually managed to post a short blog…Bamboo Shhoooot ! I‘m just too excited for words. Another ona em happa weeks.

Errrm….why do I see my language getting all thrada) ?!??

I'm Going Potash :)

2006-03-12T09:26:00.000+08:00

I meant "potta as" (blind eyed/blurry eyed) :) It's just high time that I invest on a pair of specas coz I don't think my eyes can take up any more postponing. Hmmm......I hate em glasses, I've been on em before...I just hate em! But it has come to a point that moi is having probs behind the wheel. I just can't see a thing sometimes (that freaks me out). Since of late it has even overtaken me writing and reading. I guess it's something to do with focusing...Arghhhh. This sure is a reminder nudging me "Yo girl! age is catcging up, isn't it"?

Another Encounter With "My Munkey"

2006-03-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

Today was quite a messy & hectic day, so was this whole week. But today was different. Left half an hour early to Bible College (that’s at 8 a.m) just so that I could begin to practice punctuality, only to find a 40 foot container fallen right across the road creating a mega traffic block. Dang !!! My coming early was worthless, got to the class 10 minutes late as usual…Sigh !

It was burning hot and humid that all I wanted to do was go home and chill, but heard that Aunty Vasanthi was discarding some books before she shifted to her new place and wanted me to come pick up what I wanted. Wowy !!! Em books were marvelous, Encyclopedias, Dictionaries and series & series of books. I felt like a billionaire coz em books would sure cost around 25’000.00 or more if I were to buy it from the stores now.

Came home and fell flat asleep for more than 3 hours straight, only to figure out that I had promised Razor that I’d be turning up at the Autolanka get together. The sticky weather tempted me to stay in and chill, but got in to some grubby clothing and dashed away to greet the waiting Razor…hehehe. It was all good, em guys with RPM on their mind were a tad incomprehensive though.

Tried to make an excuse for not turning up at Jeremy’s party coz “My Munkey” would be there, but since he insisted, me went with sweaty palms and butterflies in me stomach coz I was sure it would be an awkward, long party. I was so wrong, “My Munkey” came and spoke to me, he looked mysterious as ever & my heart shattered in to smithereens, coz he wasn’t mine (& never will be) . Will he ever belong to anyone else? He looked quite straight; I couldn’t digest the fact that he was inclined the other way. We danced awhile, and that seemed to be the best moment in my entire life.

I couldn’t hang in there for long watching him. What we had was lost and he would be gone before I know it. Gone forever. Why him! I keep wondering. May be coz he is just so unreachable, untouchable and unfathomable. I sure thought that I could rest in peace once I knew for sure, but it just isn’t so. This will always, always remained an unfinished story. I wonder if I’d forget about him totally and move on once I fall in love with another……..I wonder, wonder…I keep wondering……

Blemished :(

2006-03-03T20:56:00.000+08:00

Drained & dysfunctional as I am these days I pounce on any book that appear to have info in the line of “Why bad things happen to good people”. Just as the world around me is falling apart, the faith, which was stronger than the strongest foundation too is suffering (at least to a certain extent). Conversing with my “Father” has been hideously difficult (usual story, spiritual ups and downs). I’ve been waiting upon him, crying out to him, pleading my way out of whatever sin I had committed. It’s been a good long year since I’ve come to know him, but the battle still remains.

I sometimes have half a mind to question........

“God, would you really care if I turn my back on you again, coz you act like you just don’t care about me. Can’t you see me suffering? All I do is strive to do your will, keep your word, spread your word and live for you, but it still feels like you are downright ignoring me. Father, Why do you still keep whipping me harder and harder everyday, WHY? You know what? Turning away from you ain’t that hard and I just might do it. I wonder if you are really there at all?”

These were my passive thoughts, but thoughts so true. Oh boy ! How I regret em thoughts. I really should be shot with my own shit for being the ungrateful vixen I am. Even though I pleaded for forgiveness for my unholy thoughts and was convinced that He forgave me, I still felt a traitor. He who has brought me so far, will surely take me safely towards victory.

My thoughts ran back to the 1 Peter study we did last week about suffering. (What my suffering is in this case, I shall no state, for it is only He who knows it until I’m told to testify about His goodness and mercy and about how he brought me safe through it all, for it is He who deserves all glory, and all glory goes only unto Him).

--> “This suffering is all apart of the work God has given you, Christ, who suffered for you is your example. Follow in his steps: He never sinned, never told a lie, never answered back when insulted; when he suffered he did not threaten to get even; he left his case in the hands of God who always judges fairly". (1 Peter 2 : 21-23)

The reason I had felt like an outcast was because I had forgotten His lovely attributes (of love) and I wanted signs and miracles just like the rest of them rather than walking by pure FAITH.

The two books I picked up, which I’m reading simultaneously (terrible way of reading, I know…eerrm…I’m actually juggling four…hehehe) were certainly helping me understand the adverse situations and why they are permitted.

Be Confident – by Warren W. Wiersbe (Bible Study on Hebrews)
If God is in Control (Why is My World Falling Apart)? – by Verna Birkey

Even after reading a gazillion books, I would still remain clueless as to why adversities happen around me, but I would learn better to thrust (I emphasize) all my cares on him and smile, coz………

--> “I know in all things God works for the Good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8 :28)

This means that He will see to it that all conditions (good & bad) will eventually work together for good. (Note that this doesn’t say that God causes all things to happen nor say all circumstances happen for good. Grrrrrr….but don’t I wish it was so)

This is the verse that the first few chapters of “If God is in Control” is built on, and to confirm the promise I claimed I got the same verse from the stack of “Random Bible Versus” from which I pick one a day to see what I can derive form it.

I can only smile (aloud) for God sure has been turning all adverse situations in my life from day one for the better (I can’t fathom why & how I’m writing this ultra sweet entry about God & his goodness when I’m drowning in utter muck even as I scribble)

I remember asking Ivor Phoobalan two weeks back in class if it was wrong for one to cry out to the Lord to lessen the weight of one's yoke or to take it away completely. His answer included the following scriptures.

--> “My Father ! If it is possible, let this cup be taken away from me, but I want your will, not mine” (Matthew 26 : 39)

According to the Bible, Jesus cried out to Lord the Father thrice with the same plea in the garden grove of Gethsemane before he was seized for crucifixion.

--> “Eli Eli, lama sabachthani / My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" ? (Matthew 27 : 46)

The very last words Jesus uttered while hanging on the cross when GOD the Son himself felt that God the (his own) Father had forsaken him.

"In my brokenness, I cried out to the Lord, to comfort me and hide me someplace away from this world and ZAP, it was He and I, just He and I. We spoke, we laughed, and it was one of those moments I’d remember forever. Yet the thorns that were wrapped around me continued to wrap themselves tighter. The thorns were eating deep in to my skin, almost touching my frail bones & I felt the horrifying pain. I didn’t understand why? I questioned him, but all he did was smile and stroke my hair till I finally fell in to a conscience sleep in His powerful arms. I don’t remember much, other than the two sensations I felt, the pain from the brambles crushing my skin and His love I felt with every stroke that swept my hair. My world was finally peaceful for I was assured that as long as He held me in His arms, he was in control".

The Ordeal Down Pettah

2006-02-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

I reluctantly undertook a local deal a friend palmed on to me. Local deals always require a number of filthy trips down Pettah (Reclamation Rd, 2nd cross street, 3rd cross street, Main street to name a few) to catch up with me suppliers.

I usually make sure that my ass is well covered and I that look like I am draped in sack cloth, which I didn’t bother with this time. Covered or revealed, I still used to get harassed in the past; due to the wrangly Afro hair I had, which was tainted with colour. (Conclusion : Em perverts are gonna harass me anyway)

Parked the dinky toy at the fish market car park (where I was forced to park it in the dingiest corner, which was covered with crow shit and fish scales) and made our way slowly towards 2ndCross Street. Daddy dearest was as usual galloping a few miles in front of me, begging him to go slow was just not gonna work, he’d forget and start galloping all over again…Hmmm. We reach the dingy alleys and I’m already panting. I can clearly hear comments from “Ahhh sexy’ to Tamil and Singhalese songs about love and I just can’t help grinning, (keeping a straight face has never been my forte) but it annoys me at the same time as to how exposed they can make a woman feel.

I walked down the filthy streets trying my best to avoid, betel dribble, pure saliva, food particles, muck and heavily loaded carts charging straight at me, whilst trying to keep up with my Dad. It sure was a horrible and frustrating experience, especially since my friend kept changing the specifications of the goods he required….Argh!!!

My ultra smart Dad suggested we take a shorter route back to the car park….grrrrrr…the so called shorter route was more congested than the rest of the roads, more gross and sure accommodated more perverted men. I was freaked out about my ass being pinched (I half expected a lil scene coz I had already hit boiling point with all the comments and wanted to smash some loser’s face with my humungous bag (malla).

I drove out of the wretched hellhole swearing to never sight it again as well as to never undertake local deals.

The Mega Mystery, Finally Solved !!!

2006-02-23T21:59:00.000+08:00

My Sweet Ex-Ma-In-Law calls me yesterday for official reasons, but the conversation as usual takes it turn to speaking about her son. I wonder to me self if she thinks I’m a traitor and whether it looks like I dumped her kid out of sheer bitchiness. I slowly pick up courage and mumble junk about what happened last. I pick up more courage and at a snail's pace tell her that I have something to clarify about a series of emails I stole from him 2 years back. She sounds relieved, and says she wants to clarify something in the same line with me. Appointments were made to meet her up at her office to compare notes.

I feel nervous and yet all exuberant and hyper at the same time, while I crookedly park the car right in the middle of the road and dash upstairs to her office. I can finally know the truth and move on with my dear life. My palms are sweating and so are my feet. I nervously go and wait outside till she is done with a telephone conversation. I dash in to her cozy room the minute she calls my name (hugs and kisses…mmmvah). I’m wondering how to start the whole thing (I am sure convinced that he is sexually inclined the wrong way, but it is her that I am worried about, does she already know? If not how will she take it?). She is one amazing lady, the M-I-L of my dreams :)

I begin by showing her the mails, and explaining about the three-year on-off relationship we had (without a spec of intimacy). She begins sharing the lil bit of info she has, sms’s from guys, (overheard) telephone conversations he has with guys till the break of dawn, rumours, incidents from the past. It is definite now that her son ain’t straight; she couldn’t cope up and eventually breaks down. It ain’t anything new to me, but I heave a sign of relief, coz the suspense, suspicions and insecurities were hauled away. I felt renewed to know that all this wasn’t my fault.

Even as I drive out of there, I search my soul and question the past. What did we have? What exactly did he feel every time he said “Love U”? What did the gazillion tapes he made for me, mean? Did he deceive me, Did I feel deceived? How did this go on for three years? Do I still feel the same kind of love for him now, after all this drama? YES, without a shadow of a doubt. Untainted, uncorrupted LOVE in it’s purest form. Will I ever experience it all over again?

I remember one time when we fell asleep after aimlessly staring at a coupla movies, he grips the bedcover, hides his face in the pillow and muttered, “I can’t give you what I want”. Even though I pretend not to understand, I did, but I simple didn’t care. Just sitting therewith him meant the world to me. It didn’t matter that we didn’t hold hands and it didn’t matter that I didn’t feel desired. All that mattered was what I saw in him, a beautiful creature staring back at me…Hmmmm

I move on only coz I must. Come what may, he will still hold that special place in my heart, BUT I’m finally free from all the baggage that burdened my soul, free to love again and live again :)

My Munkey, Solitude & Holiness

2006-02-22T00:14:00.000+08:00

The past few weeks have been tremendously crazy. Life has been moving extremely fast, events just zapping in fronta my eyes that I just couldn’t seem to keep track of much. Added to that, I’m feeling absurdly exhausted, the breaks of the car are throwing a tantrum of it’s own, the weather is changing, making my limbs crackle and I’m bogged down with heaps of "exceptionally" (meant to sound sarcy) creative assignments. I ain’t grumbling too much, coz amidst all of these; I am still having a time of my life.

Finally called my “munkey” on his show yesterday, keeping away all my pride. All I wanted to do was say Hi and I’m glad I did so (thanks to all the convincing Jeramz did). Realized today that he is still the same, his attitudes have just got the better of him…arrgghhh !!! Heard one of his fellow DJ’s make a catty comment about his sexuality after playing a equally catty song. It was sort of a cryptic message, and only the ones who knew him well would get it…hmmmm…It hurts, but guess not as much as it did when he meant a lil more than a friend. I suddenly went in to a nostalgic trance yesterday and unpacked all the pics of “me lil munkey” from the “Taboo Box” and em memoirs kept streaming back. What we had was never a relationship, what was I thinking? It was far beyond that. I would move on, just the way I decided to do, there’s no turning back coz it is not in God’s plans for me.

I had almost 3 hours to kill before picking up Mummy dearest, after doing lunch with me new found buddy Waj. I wished Sri Lanka had more chill out joints with better (lighter) snacks. I desperately wanted to get away & curl up with a book & be by myself without having to stuff myself (as I was absolutely full to the point where I couldn’t comfortably inhale or exhale) but couldn’t figure out any place in Colombo to do so (K...I wanted to hide that to chill) :)

Paradise Road – Either stuff ones self or wonder about
Baristas – More stuffing
Commons – Bah! They got no comfy chairs to sit on. Nah, one can’t really chill and drift away there.

I just couldn’t think of any other place. Book shopping was just not an option, coz I couldn’t find parking in any of my booka-picka joints. Outa sheer frustration I finally slapped all thoughts of solitude on the face and boggied off to Sensei, to drive em old buddies up the hedge with my ranting…hehehe.

Tiring, but a productive day. Loved the class at the Seminary with Mr.Ivor Poobalan who is an awesome lecturer. My “AHA” for today actually came from him.

Holy = Set apart
According to Mr. Poobalan, one becomes Holy the minute he decides to follow Jesus it is only an enhancement of holiness there after. It just amuses me how lil people know about holiness and babble about how “I believe in God, but I ain’t Holy” or “ I believe in Jesus, but I am not religious”. Thank God I understood it’s meaning, sooner than later (& pweeese...I don't expect ppl to know the meaning either) :)
God Bless Ya (",)

Mentally Deranged? Am I? :)

2006-02-17T15:34:00.000+08:00

This week has been amazingly fulfilling, though I’m still struggling to catch up with completing my assignments. These assignments from Bible College are amazing; every question leads me to a brand new answer, an answer that has never crossed my mind before. I never get to finish em assignments completely in one sitting coz, the minute I start researching, its time to ponder, unlearn and learn em new and fascinating stuff I come across.

Yesterday, some one called me a mentally deranged, retard that needs to see a psychiatric. He called me an utter disgrace to the entire Christian religion. A part of me really wanted to hit him hard (that’s me old self trying to break free), but I genuinely felt, honoured and tickled to the core, that I just couldn’t stop laughing at the situation. I learnt me lesson hard and fast yesterday. When I’m burdened by the Holy spirit to keep my distance from certain people, I’d rather obey and pray for them so that the eyes of their heart would be open to see the mighty one, to know him and to love him, instead of befriending them “Never step in to the battlefield before the Captain signals, loud & clear” (Nah, I never argue about religion or truth unless I am challenged or forced to, I feel bad coz this dude, started it and provoked himself, when he ran outa rebuttals to combat) Geez, how careful can one be?

I remember having a lil discussion with my Mentor around bout this time last year. I remember looking at him blank on the face and muttering accusations of how bad and insecure he was making me feel. He was explaining about the purpose of life and the purpose of any project for that matter. I was provoked, coz I didn’t know where I was going or what I wanted to do and never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would ever find my purpose. I remember walking out of his office all drained out and fagged, as if the whole world was on me shoulders. I lost all-purpose and the tad bit of aggressive ambitious restlessness I had in 2003, when the first dude I ever really loved ditched me in style (stupid silly me thought that it was the end of the world). Now I’m glad that he did what he did that day, coz what ever hopes n’ dreams I had back then wasn’t even close to the true purpose of life I have now. Hadn’t that happened and hadn’t I lost my way, I’d still be lost or probably six feet under with my soul jigging up in Hell.

This Monday as I was as usual doing some daily research and looking for my “AHA” for the day & stuff for an assignment, I came across some interesting stuff about how the bible changes lives. Pasted below is my own version of it, which I compiled for the assignment.

Quote from the assignment…..
The Bible Changes Lives

Unlike other religions and religious books, the Bible is backed up by facts and can be put to the test. Whilst the Bible claims to fill the spiritual void that is within every human being, believing in Jesus miraculously answers life’s most probing questions by giving one a genuine identity, purpose and destiny (which every human being is yearning to find, the believers having found it, the skeptics still continue the search) J

Identity – Who we are?

Our identity crisis finally ends since we realize that we are created in Gods image. We can now fearlessly think, love and communicate with God and get to know him.

Purpose – Why am I here?

Instead of walking through life aimlessly, we can now be assured that we are created to love God and enjoy Him and His creation forever. God sure communicates through the Bible about our code of conduct and what is required of us.

Destiny – Where am I going?

We are blessed with the assurance of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ, a promise to live in His presence forever. One does not have to be terrified of death, since there is a greener pasture beyond it,

There have been many instances where people who set out to disapprove the Bible ended up becoming believers themselves. The message of God’s love and forgiveness through Jesus Christ still keeps changing lives today.
Unquote……

I sure was in tears when I realized that I had it all now, in HIM. I had successfully found my purpose and am steadily hippety hopping towards my destiny, never realizing I was doing so. What more could I ask for?

-> Be Strong & courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31 : 6)

The So Called Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T09:36:00.000+08:00

What commercial and cultural propaganda presents as beautiful is rooted in ugly paganism but most blind followers do not know. They are just blind followers of their equally blind cultural leaders. Little do they realize that what they consider as innocent fun may in fact be rooted in paganism. That the symbols they embrace may be symbols of unbelief. That the ideas they borrow may be products of superstition.

Valentines Day was originally created as a substitute. Centuries before Christ, the pagan Romans celebrated February 15 and the evening of February 14 as an idolatrous and sensuous festival in honor of the pagan god “Lupercus”, the "hunter of wolves" by holding a lottery where the names of willing teenage girls were placed in a box and drawn at random by teenage men. By this lottery a young man was assigned a young woman companion for their mutual pleasure (often sexual) for the duration of a year. The Romans called the festival the "Lupercalia."

When Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire there was some talk in church circles of discarding this pagan free-for-all. But the Roman citizens wouldn't hear of it! So it was agreed that the holiday would continue as it was, except for the more grossly sensual observances.

It was not until the reign of Pope Gelasius that the holiday became a "Christian" custom. As far back as 496, Pope Gelasius outlawed the Lupercian festival, but cleverly retained the lottery, because he was aware of the Roman’s love for games of chance. But now instead of names of women in the box, there were placed names of saints.

Who Was the Original "St. Valentine"?
Valentine was a common Roman name. Roman parents often gave the name of their children in honor of the famous man who was first called Valentine in antiquity. That famous man was Lupercus, the hunter. But who was Lupercus? - and why should he have also borne the name Valentine among the heathen Romans?

The Greeks called Lupercus by the name of "Pan". The Semites called Pan "Baul," according to the Classical Dictionaries. Baal - mentioned so often in the Bible - was merely another name for Nimrod, "the mighty hunter" ( Genesis 10:9) It was a common proverb of ancient time that Nimrod was "the MIGHTY hunter before the Lord." Nimrod was their hero - their strong man - their VALENTINE!

How plain that the original Valentine was Nimrod, the mighty hunter of wolves. Yet another of Nimrod's names was "Sanctuc" or "Santa", meaning Saint. It was a common title of any hero-god. No wonder that the Roman Lupercalia is called "St. Valentine's Day"!
But why do we associate HEARTS on a day in honor of Nimrod - the Baal of the Phoenicians and Semites?

The surprising answer is that the pagan Romans acquired the symbol of the heart from the Babylonians. In the Babylonian tongue the word for heart was "bal" (Strong's Concordance Number H1168). The heart - bal - was merely a symbol of Nimrod - the Baal! or Lord of the Babylonians!

Executed at Rome
Nimrod - the original St. Valentine - was also known as Saturn, the Roman-Babylonian god who hid from his pursuers in a secret place. The Latin word Saturn is derived from the Semitic speaking Babylonians. It means "be hid," "hide self," "secret," "conceal." The original Semitic (Hebrew) word, from which the Latin Saturn is derived, is used 83 times in the Old Testament (see Young's Concordance under "Sathar," also "sether").

According to ancient tradition, Saturn (Nimrod) fled from his pursuers to Italy. The Apenine mountains of Italy were anciently named the mountains of Nembrod or Nimrod. Nimrod briefly hid out at the site where Rome was later built. The ancient name of Rome, before it was rebuilt in 753 B.C. was Saturnia - the site of Saturn's (Nimrod's) hiding. There he was found and slain for his crimes. Later, professing Christians in Constantine's day made Nimrod - the St. Valentine of the heathen- a Saint of the Church and continued to honor him under the name of a Christian martyr.

Why February 14?
But why should the Romans have chosen February 15 and the evening of February 14 to honor Lupercus - the Nimrod of the Bible? (Remember that day in ancient times began at sunset the evening before.)

Nimrod - Baal or sun god of the ancient pagans - was said to have been born at the winter solstice. In ancient time the solstice occurred on January 6 and his birthday therefore was celebrated on December 25 and now called Christmas. It was the custom of antiquity for, the mother of a male child to present herself for purification on the fortieth day after January 6 - Nimrod's original birthdate - takes us to February 15, the celebration of which began on the evening of February 14 - the Lupercalia or St. Valentine's Day.

On this day in February, Semiramis, the mother of Nimrod, was said to have been purified and to have appeared for the first time in public with her son as the original "mother and child."
The Roman month February, in fact, derives its name from the februa which the Roman priests used in the rites celebrated on St. Valentine's Day. The febru were thongs from the skins of sacrificial animals used in rites of purification on the evening of February 14.

Cupid Makes His Appearance

(A cute chubby cherub known as mischievous Jinn disguised as a winged child armed with bow and arrows. In western culture he shot darts of desire into the bosoms of both pretend gods and humans causing them to all deeply in love. In ancient Greece he was know as Eros the young son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. To the Roman’s he was Cupid, and his mother was Venus).

Another name for the child Nimrod was "Cupid" - meaning "desire" (Encyclopedia Britannica, article "Cupid"). It is said that when Nimrod's mother saw him, she lusted after him - she desired him. Nimrod became her Cupid - her desired one - and later her Valentine! So evil was Nimrod's mother that it is said she married her own son! Inscribed on the monuments of ancient Egypt are inscriptions that Nimrod (the Egyptians called him Osiris) was "the husband of his mother."

As Nimrod grew up, he became the child-hero of many women who desired him. He was their Cupid! In the Book of Daniel he is called the "desire of women" ( Dan. 11:37). Moffatt translates the word as Tammuz - a babylonian name of Nimrod. He provoked so many women to jealousy that an idol of him was often called the "image of jealousy" ( Ezekiel 8:5). Nimrod, the hunter, was also their Valentine - their strong or mighty her! No wonder the pagans commemorated their hero-hunter Nimrod, or Baal, by sending heartshaped love tokens to one another on the evening of February 14 as a symbol of him.

Nimrod, the son of Cush the Ethiopian, was later a source of embarrassment to the pagans of Europe. They didn't want an African to worship. Consequently, they substituted a supposed son of Nimrod, a white child named Horus, born after the death of Nimrod. This white child then became a "fair Cupid" of European tradition.

Red Rose
The rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love. Red is a color that stands for strong feelings. This is why the red rose is a flower for Valentine’s.

It is about time we examined these customs of the pagans now falsely labeled Christian. It is time we quit this Roman and Babylonian foolishness - this idolatry - and these pagan customs in memory of Baal the sun god.

End of all Oppressions – Spiritual Warfare - The Battle Begins

2006-02-08T18:19:00.000+08:00

Blogging sure has taken the backseat these days. Life was pulled apart and scattered till last Friday. There was a dark cloud that I just couldn’t shake off my life. I tried everything, rebuking all evil in His name, burning all dark objects that I possessed that gave any legal right for the evil one to inflict me…etc….but nothing seems to be working.

My eating habits had changed drastically (I am naturally a poor eater; never could I eat more, unless of course life’s pressures throw me in to a bulimic pang). I was eating like a hound that has been starved a decade. Later found out that it had freaked my Mum as well…hehehe I noticed a change in my breathing, it was heavier than usual. Even though I was my usual hyper self, there was a horrible sense of darkness following me around (which I couldn’t comprehend or shake off) making me quite boisterous, annoyed and short tempered (which I’m usually not, unless some moron really dares piss me)

After fini reading “Unbroken Curses - by Rebecca Brown” I figured what exactly I was going through. Friday morning turned out to be the most glorious and amazing days of my life.

I took authority over all dark forces and rebuked them in Jesus precious name. I submitted my case in my Masters court to end all afflictions I was going through. I had no talk or business with the evil one, but I cried out to my Master “Enough is Enough” I can’t take it any more; It’s time he banishes the “dark one” from my life for good. I asked him to reveal any grey or dark areas in my life where I had given legal rights to be afflicted.

It was amazing. Even as I prayed, I broke in to tears; I saw a bright light even as I was closing my eyes. I didn’t know why I was crying, but it felt like a one to one conversation with my Master. I was crying quite loud, but amazingly enough, no one in the house-hold heard me (just what I prayed for). I didn’t wanna stop, coz it was too good to be true. That was the best conversation I’ve ever had.

Note :- [The reason for the change in my attitudes could have been a due to a transferring of spirits, during a deliverance session (not done by me, but was initialized by me) ]

Miraculously, my eating habits changed back to normal, my heavy breathing stopped, and a sense of peace reigned over the entire house and my life. The dark cloud had completely disappeared.

Even my parents fond it hard to believe all I’m saying, I don’t expect them to understand me right now. Most of my friends seem worried about me. Others think that it is my imagination.

“If I say that I am free (in Him) who will BELIEVE” ?!?

I say to you, sure I am weak and puny. I am nothing but a useless speck of dust, hardly visible for one’s naked eye. Stop looking at me; look at the mighty one within me instead.

All things are possible in his name. He is my fortress, my providence, my friend and my all. He who lead me all the way will never lead me in to a ditch, even if he does, he will make sure that I land on soft moss. He who brought me so far surely wouldn’t let me down now.

--> He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. (Isaiah 40 : 29)

--> “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29 :11)

A Pack of Smokes and a Shoulder to cry on :(

2006-02-01T21:58:00.000+08:00

Life has been absolutely trying since last Wednesday. It all started with me overhearing some nasty, untrue gossips about me and ended with friends, the not so known and family pissing me off. Today was the explosion day, didn't even wanna get up and drive Mum to work, didn't speak with anyone at home, have been snapping at almost everyone and sleeping a lot the past few days, just to avoid conflict. I just couldn’t snap out from the dark mood I was carrying around.

The conflict was so horrible today, that all I wanted to do was get my hands on a pack of smokes, sit in a corner, cry to me hearts content and smoke (That’s what I would have done a year back), but finally settled for Lollipops (Couldn’t help laughing at myself)

Its almost 10 p.m and I seem to be a lot more chilled than I was in days. Hope my mood changes for the better sooner than later, before I manage to snap at the whole world and get everyone pissed at moi.

Note : No Pasan, I ain’t manic depressive. Common I’m only human. I have the right to be pissed and down just like the rest of em goons….hmmmphhh

Abominable Occultic Objects

2006-01-31T10:01:00.000+08:00

Things and people were pissing me off big time since Saturday. I usually ain’t the type to get my temper flaring, but it was getting a little too much to handle. Finally managed to finish reading “Seduction Exposed” By Dr. Gary Greenwald, which was one amazing book. Nah, It did no good to my anger, but sure did convince me to get rid of a few suspected occulted items in the house. As usual my Sunday night was sleepless...Hmmmmmm

-> I started with my 3 toe rings, I wasn’t able to part with all this while and when I had a closer look at it, sure enough, there were stars and moons imprinted on them.

-> Next were a few more pure silver rings, and medallions which were dearly collected when I was in darkness. There were signs of the sun, animals, and suspicious carvings imprinted on them as well.

-> A live scorpion dipped in hot wax and caged in a beautifully framed show box, which was presented by a friend on my last birthday. I’m sure he gave it to me because of my past passion for the creature and I held on to it coz of the same passion and compromised saying that it was just an ornamental piece, but guess its time to let it go.

-> After all the ranting I do about keeping away from anything that belongs to the dark side, I still went ahead, unaware, unthinking and bought glow stickers for my car which were shaped in to moons and starts just last week. Hmmm….they too have to go. Thank God I hadn’t got to pasting em due to the uncomfortable feeling I had about em after bringing em home.

-> Next were 2 sets of “sun and moon” clay carvings. One was in my room, one was hung in the old Gallery I owned and now packed and kept aside. Smashed them in to pieces as well.

-> Last of all was an absolutely beautifully carved Voodoo mask which was handed over by one of my dear suppliers to be sold in the Gallery around the beginning of last year. I always felt uncomfortable hanging it in the Gallery, that I was eternally changing its hanging place. I did sorta pray over it once it was brought home, but the uncomfortable feeling never left me. I didn’t want to destroy it coz it wasn’t mine and it was a good Rs. 1000/= +, but yesterday I decided to put it through the fire, just like the rest of em.

My Mum thought I was going absolutely cookoo in the brain when I mentioned what I was gonna do on Sunday, but managed to speak to my Dad yesterday and Geeeez……..he was all up for it. He did agree with all what I was saying and volunteered to help me put up a fire to destroy all of em dark stuff.

So that’s exactly what we did. We first covered ourselves with Jesus’ precious blood and then broke all bondages it had on us in His precious name, and cast them to the flames.

It feels good to have em removed, Praise the Lord !!

The WARRIOR in moi

2006-01-27T08:47:00.000+08:00

Argghh….this week has been absolutely hectic & trying, saddening but yet so fulfilling. Managed to face quite a threateningly hilarious incident on Tuesday. While on my way home after dropping Mum at work around 9.15 a.m, I noticed a dark, hefty looking middle aged man on a motor bike glare me down in my dinky toy around the Maradana overhead bridge while I was stopped at the colour lights. I didn’t notice him following me or rather riding very close to my car till I reached just before Thotalanga. Tried to slow down & let the man pass me, which he did only to catch up with me at the Traffic lights just before the Thotalanga New Bridge.

He who was all ready to turn to a by lane from the main road turned his bike and parked it right next to the window on my side and was having a roaring peeping session (was dressed in a knee length skirt, which was absolutely decent, there was nothing to exhibited) :)

The worked up animal in me turned around and mouthed “Have you a problem?” to which he too gritted his teeth and threatened me in return.

The traffic had already started moving and we had quite an audience by now. I waited awhile for him to move forward and go on his way, but there was absolutely no sign of him moving for a few minutes. He was waiting till I moved. He was so playing with the wrong PERSON !

I pulled out the cell phone and pretended to call someone (exactly in the manner of calling an influential & powerful spike). He gave me another threatening look. I ignored all daggers, brought the car to a standstill right in the middle of the road & pretended to be on the phone in an absolutely harassing way.

Wowy !!! The scared loser turned around and went on his way towards the opposite direction, probably after relaising that he wasn’t getting any pleaure in harassing me.

I was flustered, annoyed & saddened, but still felt like a HERO to have scared a man off !!

Why did he do that? I wish I knew. Hmmmmm…….

Worldly Pressures of Single-hood (",)

2006-01-23T06:35:00.000+08:00

It so happens to be that the species of the opposite sex I eventually begin to have the HOTS for are either, too old, taken or absolutely screwed up in their head. You wish you had access to the physically attractive ones you suddenly pass by on the road, but then again, who knows if they too are the average air heads.

Nah, being “Single” doesn’t annoy me at all, but the fact that it annoys everybody around me (including my mater) sorta drives me up the wall.

“Hey Judy, any one new & interesting?” (Friends)

“What men, no boyfriend yet?” (Relatives & Parent's friends) Plzzz…..I think I’ve had enough to last me a century :)

“Ahhh….next is you ah !” (At weddings)

“Time for you to find someone and settle down ah, enough trail and errors” (Mater)

Arrrghhh……Lord have mercy on my soul. The taunts are becoming worse these days. WHY? coz my closest second cousin, who happens to be my age, is getting engaged this coming Saturday. Woooahhhh….time for me to pack my bags and run away…...hehehe (I guess I just can’t take any more comments in that department). I love this woman, she’s the best cousin I’ve got and I’m overjoyed at the fact that she is hitching up (even though it ain’t with a dude of her parent’s dreams).

After a mega discussion about the whole issue of “Finding a man & settling down” with Mums last week, I sorta sat down in my quiet corner and fell deep in to pondering about the whole thing. I came up with the following Why’s (I choose to be single, at least for now) & Why Nots (I havn't bumped in to Prince Charming yet) which would keep me sane amidst all of em horrendous & irritating comments.

(1) I gotta lot to grow u know, I’m still very much a kid myself (they even say that I look 18) Unless the dude is willing to grow up with me…Screw it !!!

(2) I am quite happy being single, and don’t feel the need to go out with the very next dude who asks me out (They just don’t deserve my YES) !!!

(3) I still haven’t come across a man who is at least 80% mentally and physically appealing (according to my standards of measurement).They are just not my cup of tea (Btw. I like coffee) :)

(4) Every man I have come across so far (potential & non potential) have been absolutely puny, self centered and just not strong enough for me (I’d rather marry off a woman & make test tube babies). Even the strongest of em, when made transparent were a ball of insecurities (Not that I don’t have my own set of insecurities, but in my world, MEN just gotta be PERFECT) !

(5) Men these days have become so dependent, financially & mentally. They are either broke or depressed (That freaking annoys me). Most of them seem to be looking for a woman to cook & feed them, take care of their family as well as to boost their ego & pockets ONLY (Geeez….still to meet a guy who thinks women are much more than that) !

(6) They just don’t seem to be having the same world view I have (Why in the world would I wanna get hitched just to get entangled in a web of endless arguments?). This includes my religious beliefs. The ones who say that they do share the same belief, eventually turn outa be horrible posers.

(7) Most of them just can’t seem to stand (take up / tolerate) my “Are you genuine” test (I love this part) If you really say you like me, Put up with me !!!

(8) Where in the world has all the creativity, humour, zest and masculinity gone ?!?

(9) I don’t wanna be making the same mistake of ending up with the not so perfect dude ever again. If I was to ever even consider hitching up again, it would be nothing less than with the absolutely perfect GENTLEMAN, just made for me (made in heaven)

Note that I’ve emphasized on the word GENTLEMAN, which excludes the Kabbas, Gangstas, Rastas and the so called Cool Dudes (or was it Cool Duds).

(10) Last but not the least; I just don’t have the freaking time and energy to not be single right now.

Since I’ve got all my thoughts straight, guess I wouldn’t really bother explaining the reasons to people who question me from now on. So help me Lord, or rather HELP THEM !!!

My sweet schizophrenic friend on her way to recovery :)

2006-01-16T21:47:00.001+08:00

I just couldn’t sleep last night. I felt a gripping fear and I so don’t know why. Oh boy ! Didn’t I suffer the consequences today? The only way I survived behind the wheel was by swallowing 2 boxes of tic tacs. Sleepy were my eyes & horrible was the feeling.

Finally got an appointment with Pastor Kegal for the Schizo Kid. He lay hands on her and prayed. Nothing much happened then. I wasn’t expecting much either, coz it needs to be a slow and steady recovery. He wanted to see her again in 2 weeks. More about her then.

2nd Day at Bible College

2006-01-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

I expected an old guy to be my lecturer, coz the name of the lecturer on me time table was “Karin Ramachandra”, but the lecturer was quite a hyper Danish female...Yaaayyy :)

I was fuming and quite provoked by the end of the class. My twisted, aggressive and boorish ways of thinking about Religion, God, the Bible & the world were sure challenged. I am trying hard to be open to anything I'm gonna hear at this place. I wanna unlearn all my wrong ways of thinking and understand my Master’s mind just the way he wants me interpret it.

He that is in ME is GREATER

2006-01-12T22:25:00.000+08:00

Finally made it to “Pragna” Bookshop and seized some of the recommended reading by my Mentor.

Unbroken Curses – by Rebecca Brown
Prepare for War – by Rebecca Brown

Rebecca Brown was an ex witch who later gave her life to the Lord. More updates about the books in the future.

For the time being I started on a book called “Seduction Exposed – by Dr. Gary L. Greenwald”. It’s opening my eyes to matters I’ve been confused about till now. It speaks about a range of practices & ways we are exposed to, which are not of the Lord.

(1) The Dangerous Transference of Spirits
(2) Soul Ties
(3) Charismatic Witchcraft
(4) Abominable Occultic Objects & Practices

Await my review on it in a coupla days.

Mr. Nicolle had finally managed to get an appointment with Pastor Kegal on Saturday, but the Schizophrenic kid’s Mum refused to make it. She had two reasons:-

(1) She was going out of Colombo with relatives who would look down upon her (& probably call her crazy) if they ever found out.

(2) The kid had turned boisterous and worse that what she was and this jolting her off and discouraging her. (The best part was that my Mentor hardly spoke to the girl, let alone lay hands and pray for her. It’s funny how weak the demons are and how freaked out they are of my Master. It sure looks like his very name makes em evil one’s shudder)

My Mentor predicted that the torture & the trials would increase when the demons figure out that a Christian angle is about to be introduced. Aunty sure was trying to back off from the whole thing as predicted, them demons were trying their very best to discourage her. No one of us are gonna give up, the child is gonna be restored to her normal sweet self before they even know it in the name of my precious Master “Christ”. My God is a God who opens massive gates & doors when tiny little windows get wide shut around us making our world dark and gloomy.

Why worry, when we have the following promises to stand on :-

The thief’s purpose is to, steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness (John 10: 10)

You belong to God, and have already won your fight with those who are against Christ, because there is someone in your hearts who is stronger than any evil teacher in this wicked world (1 John 4:4)

Mr. Nicolle finally managed to work something out for Monday. With God’s grace, I know everything will go smoothly.

First day at Bible College

2006-01-11T22:21:00.000+08:00

I have been a rebel all my life and never have I agreed with anyone’s doctrines until Jesus got me hooked on to the Bible. It would be a lie if I say that I wasn’t a tad freaked out about attending Bible College due to me being unsure of my own reactions.

It was a pleasant surprise to find out that one of my cuz too was taking the same subject. It was all GOOD; I am learning to look at things in a less aggressive way. Being introduced to a guy with Islamic roots, who now is a believer, was sure a very encouraging encounter.

I honestly don’t know where God is taking me. Where ever it may be, as long he is there with me, I shall not fear.

A Strange but Wonderful Day

2006-01-10T22:08:00.001+08:00

The day started out quite funny. Woke up at 5 (strange) and things were going hubbly-bubbly, topsy-turvy till mid morning. It was a big day, coz me had an appointment with My Mentor, Mr. Nicolle who was gonna meet the Schizophrenic. Geez, I’ve never been that nervous & jittery and I still can’t figure out why.

My Mentor confirmed the fact that the little girl was possessed the minute he laid eyes on her. I was awed by the way he handled the whole situation with the power of our Master, it was just amazing. He left the girl with her aunt downstairs and wanted me to escort him while he had a chat with the girl’s Mum and explained things to her. He then laid out a few options for her :-

(1) She could either believe whole-heartedly and restore her daughter back to her sweet self.

(2) Go back to all the mumbo jumbo she was used to and be free prisoners for ever.

It was a pathetic sight coz she kept on mentioning that she was willing to do “ANYTHING” as long as one can cure her daughter. Little did she know that doing “ANYTHING” wasn’t gonna take her anywhere, coz there’s just one way and that is the only way. My Mentor explained to her what I couldn’t explain for the past 2 months. We finished the discussion, with Mr. Nicolle promising to set up an appointment with Pastor Kegal (the deliverance Guru) asap.

I saw a change in Aunty’s face as we parted at the car park. She promised to stay away from her old path and truly believe. I was thrilled to the bone, just too thrilled to even express my happiness, coz the decision came from within her.

Picked Ma and rushed off for the “Young Adults” meeting, rather dinner at Jacintha’s place. I was exhausted, but hyped up to glory, coz she had a promise from My Master for me. These promises are lil slips of paper with promises from the bible, distributed at the 31st midnight service. Since I missed it, I picked one last Sunday at Church as well. Two promises for the year…Yaaaayyyy !!! (As a matter of factly the Bible is filled with promises, I have just started decoding them on my own, which will be linked to this blog sometime soon)

(1) Promise picked by me

The work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever (Isaiah32:17)

(2) Promise Given by Jacintha

Behold the former things are come to pass and new things do I declare, Before they spring forth I tell you of them (Isaiah 42 :9)

The very confirmations I wanted from the Lord. His ways are mightier and greater than ways of the world. This is his way of communicating with restless moi, who yet ain’t alert & responsive enough to his direct calling. Bumping in to promises from God is equivalent to receiving an email or a call from him. I’m truly feeling honoured, blessed and way up on cloud number 9.

Never knew that Jaci girl could cook…hehehe…The food was lip-smacking. Thanx a million Jacintha, looking forward for another home cooked meal and not forgetting Deanne’s chocolate biscuit pudding which was delicious

Hair Conditioner Aggravation

2006-01-08T17:37:00.000+08:00

Ever since I started figuring out that Hair Conditioner could actually make my hair look pretty I’ve been cheating on every brand just to find out which sucker treats me best. I sure am feeling guilty as charged for my flamboyant disloyalty.

Pantene – Used it for a year and figured out that it is slowly steadily driving me bald.

Palmolive – Bamboo Shoot it was, no better than Pantene.

Natural (or some shit sounding like that) - An American product which almost set my hair on fire, the chemical reaction made my hair smoke away.

Wella – Was introduced to me by a hot (but a tad gay looking) hairdresser at Kess who refused to straighten my hair……hmmmphhh….but soon moved away from it, coz it started to dry my hair (or at least I thought it was doing so)

Vo5 – Not value for money, and too thick and pulpy.

St Ives – Dried & knotted my hair to glory. Expensive crap.

Sunsilk – Looks like cheap fake stuff which didn’t do my hair any good.

Shello (Local Crap) – Cheap stuff, Rs 140+ for a fair sized bottle. I felt like a Cancer patient under Chemotherapy. Hair loss was in millions not forgetting the fact that it has a quick sand effect.

Back to Pantene – The past was sure forgotten, experienced massive hair losses all over again.

Finally Loyal to Wella – I remember buying the big tub for a mere Rs. 400+ or was it Rs 600+, but crippled cows……it’s a freaking Rs. 895/= now. Hmmmm…I feel ripped off, really ripped off, but guess it’s the mildest and the best in the market. At least for leave on purposes.

Boiling Point :/

2006-01-06T16:42:00.000+08:00

Had another “eye for an eye” argument with Daddy. It was all about the male – female balance, about Adam & Eve & Individualism. He provoked me to a point where I almost took the cloth covering the Tele & strangled him….Arrrrgh. He seems to be getting on my nerves these days. He’s got a problem with the way I drive, the way I eat and with the way I do almost everything. Either his age is catching up or he can’t take up the fact that I’m getting independent and growing up.

I am still at a boiling point.

Recap of 2005 & Resolutions for 2006 :)

2006-01-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

The past year “2005” has been the most awesome & exciting year in my entire life. Why? Because……

(1) I found the truth, I found “Jesus Christ” who turned my life around for the better.

(2) Joined Bible College.

(3) I’ve built up the career of my dreams, “Wheeling & Dealing”.

(4) I shed all the unwanted baggage I was carrying from my past.

(5) Got away from all of em people who were obstructing my betterment, whilst finding some new and awesome friends.

(6) Dealt with monkey Business. I finally threw him out of my bag of responsibilities.

(7) Did everything GOOD as well as BAD which I’d dare not do. (Am I proud of the bad…nah…I regret having done em teeny tiny crimes, but it’s all good, since I’d never repeat any of em)

(8) Finally made decisions to move out from the house I’ve grown up for the last 19 years. Wow !!! That’s like a dream come true coz I hate this lonely neighborhood.

(9) Finally sold the Piano (A nightmare sitting right in the middle of the hall, torturing my life every time we have visitors) Phew….

(10) Last but not the least, this year brought back everything I lost, Ambitions, Hopes, Dreams & most of all my Life.

Resolutions for 2006.......

(1) Spend quality time with “My Master” seeking his face.

(2) Finish CIM (at least by 2007 June)

(3) Start Dancing once again (and this time, not to give up half way through).

(4) Less Clubbing, more Reading & Movies.

(5) Less Talking & more Writing.

(6) Less Idling & more Exploring (Ahhh…..those long drives…just me and my dinky toy).

(7) Join a Spanish & French Class (Try my hands on Arabic, if possible).

(8) Tune my guitar (yeah I’m a lazy bum, this has been my resolution for the past 2 years) & also learn to play the Drums (I ain’t never gonna buy another Piano again, I’m just not cut out for Piano, never was, never will)

(9) Buy my own 4 wheel drive (A rugged Pick up Truck, has been my dream for a long time)

(10) Wake up at 5 a.m & start the day with a work out (who am I kidding ! Lets give it a try though)

(11) Take a trip to UK, France or Aussie (using my own money of course).

(12) This last pointer is for my master to decide, amidst all my fleshly desires, he has his own purpose for me, Let his will be done !!!

New Year Bright Blues ;)

2005-12-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

So tomorrow is the 31st night biggie........

What I had planned....

Stay in with my monkey and watch movies. I was quite exited about the whole thing, coz obviously I am head over heals in love with this dude.

Shocker....

Got a ringer while he was doing his evening show and viola ! He's got a question for me?

The Question....

Can "name" (female friend) hang around with us tomorrow, she doesn't have any one to hang around with.

Awesome !!!

My Spontaneous Answer......

Yeah sure, (coz I just ain't the over jealous type) how could it hurt any one. No worries.

My Muddled up thoughts after a few seconds.....

- Why would he want any one hanging around with us on a special day like tomorrow?
- I'm tired of all the games.
- He's gotta make his decisions & get his priorities straight.
- Wow what a damper !!!
- Obviously I am freaked out because of a few past experiences, never stayed long enough to get hurt, but still, 2 is company and three is definitely a crowd.

What I did..

Sent an SMS (which got delivered freaking 30 minutes later)

What it said...

Not comfy to share him with any one, especially tomorrow, so I can always stay back, no biggie (smile)

His reaction....

Replied the SMS with a.....

Waaaaaat?

And then a call........

(Me tried explaining and all he could muster up was, but y? but y?)

Who ever she is, he has told her that she cant hang around with us. (Good....very good, coz it all depended on his decision)

Note :- She's supposed to be an almost 30 year old Philipino (so it ain't about the person at all)....Arrrghhh

How I feel right now....

All the excitement is gone and I'm feeling sad & annoyed at my self.

I don't know if I did the correct thing, but I have played the understanding (old grand mere) honey bunch ever since and I'm tired of it. I just can't. I expect the same sacrifice I make, from him, may be I expect a lil more.

I don't know how tomorrow will turn out to be, but I'm glad I mentioned how I felt, coz that's exactly how I felt. I'm sure he would have felt the same if I wanted one of my (ordinary) guy friend hanging out with us.

I feel real bad, I feel a bitch, but I'm sick of taking shit. I wonder if I can ever handle a relationship. I feel torn. I hate my self. I ain't feeling any hatred or jealousy, but just don't want the past to repeat it self.

Tomorrow will be the deciding day. That's why I wanted it alone with him. Either I stay in it or leave for good.

I commit the whole situation to My Master. He will lead me home !!!

Continuation of the entry........(12 a.m)

Received a call from him and it went like this :-

Munkey : So what plans for tomorrow?

Me : U tell me? Btw. I'm really sorry for over-reacting before, she can hang around with us.

Munkey (using a rather Rude & Harsh Voice) : Now its too late....She is angry with me. Sin, poor soul, she doesn't have any one to hang around with and no one is willing to take her with them & I like a fool volunteered thinking that you might be ok with it.

Me : Thats why I gave you the option of hanging around with her, but do you really wan't a third party to put a damper on our relationship this time around as well? I'm sure u remember the past?

Munkey : She ain't no third party

Me : Then what is she? What is she?

(Munkey is trapped & speechless)

Munkey : U know what.....why do I even bother

(Either party dashes the phone...I couldn't really keep track of who actually did it first with all the fury I was feeling)

It's just over for me. Just plain over. If this is how deep what ever we share goes, then this is it. I finally give up, let go and move on with the only regret of sticking up for him and defending him all the while, but at least I fu**i*g dealt with it. It's over. No more suspense....Wooohoooooooo.........

I wanna take this opportunity to thank everyone who was with me on this. Saj, Sachira, Rajindha (how can I forget u), Joanna & especially Pasan (what would I had done without you, thank you so very much). I wouldn't have survived without these guys. I probably didn't crack the codes, but I so fuc***g don't wanna crack em codes no more, coz I don't care what happens. I'm just so happy I saved my self before it was too late.

I sometimes wonder whether he would ever relaised how much I loved him & that I gave my everything just to spend a few extra seconds with him. I wonder if he would relaise how much he hurt me and how many times he killed me over & over again. I wonder if he had ever loved me just as much as I loved him. I wonder if he would ever miss me.

Tomorrow I will destroy all the memories I carry of him coz they mean nothin to me any more. He will no longer be anything other than a hideous memory from the past. Tomorrow he might backstab me and spread rumours about me, call me a bitch, a whore and a freaking lesbian (I've heard those from him before), but I know better. None of em would affect me....NONE.

No, I wouldn't be carrying a hollow or a void with me, its only being filled by the truth I needed to know. I feel complete than ever. Swearing to never speak his name ever again I resume back to me cozy sleep. Tonight feels different, my soul hurts but my head feels light.

God is so good, he sure did fulfill his promise before the New Year dawned.

The Da Vinci Code

2005-12-29T13:35:00.000+08:00

My faith still remains untouched & unexploited. This book sure tested all the faith I had in my Master, glad to figure out that nothing in the world can waver what I have for my Master. He is the sweetest things I have come across and the absolute truth I will ever come across.

The book is a thriller of thriller, breathtaking, fast paced and very consuming. My entire Christmas was robbed by the trepidation that was building inside me to know where it was leading and more than anything I wanted to know where my faith & beliefs stand. Was rather disappointed when I finally finished reading the last 30 pages left on Monday night. The super fast paced thriller suddenly took a wide winding turn to an absolutely boring, predictable, not-so-intense and slow end. Hmmmm……so much for Dan Brown’s imagination, but restless to get “Angels & Demons” which is the book that follows “The Da Vinci Code”.

I can’t deny the fact that my relationship with my Master got a tad distant the 5 days I was lost in the CODE. I sure got a tad skeptical like any other human. But something reminded me that my relationship with My Lord ain’t just based on what the Bible has to share with me. My love and respect for him runs a lot deeper than that.

Tuesday was an awesome day. Went to watch “King Kong” with my monkey & solved a big piece of the utterly mind boggling jigsaw puzzle under my nose at the moment. This monkey is all mine, they can take away his tail if they like to, but the monkey is still mine….muhahahaha…..None touches my POSSESIONS, especially not this possession.

Me signing out, gotta go worky out and dandify me cute self (that’s ma ego is catching up) to go gift shopping for the NEW Year.

Christmas In Judy-Land

2005-12-26T16:18:00.000+08:00

24th was a freaking menace. The streets were absurdly crammed. The clothing stores around Wattala were displaying queues and queues of mortals impatiently waiting to get in. Keels Super was another torture chamber, 30 minutes of painful waiting to get out five”oh so not important” items Mummykins conveniently forgot to purchase beforehand.

Was grounded till Sunday afternoon, absolutely no way of sneaking out…..but …Mummykins yummy Lumprie was well worth it.

Met a super intelligent boy of 15 yesterday. A family friend’s Kid, all grown up now. I was quite impressed bout all that brilliant intelligence zapping across his brain (at least intelligent enough to have a conversation with me…hehehehe).

Managed to get permission to get out of the house around 5 p.m to go spend the rest of the evening with my monkey :) Just as I was about to leave, another on of me mums friends dropped in, with an absolutely annoying 3 year old female kid. Whilst I was dandifying to boggy, she barged in to me cozy lil room, and made her self Queen of all my possessions. Her eyes were zapping all around my room (she sure reminded me of an underworld looter, trying to figure out his next best loot….Grrrrrrrr). Her eyes fell on all the lil colourful gadgets, and YES…I was so right, her foxy eyes stopped right at my mega collection of (Carefully used and dearly loved) colour pencils and felt pens, which were cutely arranged in painstakingly, artistically pottered, clay jars. She pulled the whole bunch towards her (my heart began to sink....and a mean lil voice inside me shrieked wanting to DECIPLINE the menace) She robbed me of all my stationary and plopped her filthy self on me cozy, neatly arranged bed, and Kaboom !!!! She quite comfortably strewed the entire loada colours on my ever so loved bedcover and successfully left smeared blotches. I couldn’t threaten her, coz her parents were in the other room, and I didn’t want to appear to be the wicked aunty Judy. Hmmmph…….

Her eyes, then went across to the end of the bed, the Guitar….my prized Guitar…….No way is she gonna meddle with that…..I yelled, gagged her, pulled it outa her and plopped it over a high cupboard. Kids….especially lil female kids…….I hate them…..I simply don’t like them. Nah…..I simply don’t like the way they are brought up. Thank God I was not gonna be there at home to witness the massacre she was about to carry out. (Lord help my future kids, they are so gonna get all the love, care and attention and a large dash of hardcore Military Discipline) !!!

The few hours I spent with my monkey was the best Christmas gift I could have ever received. I sure felt like a smuggler walking out of his house, coz I was loaded with a massive bag of presents. Geeeez………I don’t deserve any of em. I only want him and him alone (Crooked Smirk…..tehehehehehe)

There was no place to hang around. Zilch !!! Excel World was a place where there could be a possible stampede…Arrrghh……G-Town at it’s best. Half an hours wait to get in and another good half an hours wait to get out. Colpetty & Rajagiriya Mc Donald, KFC, Queens, Dine- More……..and all the rest of the quickie fast food joints were crammed to the core. Were lucky enough to get a seating at the Union Place, KFC (Lucky Us).

Returned home, VERY Happy & HOPELESSLY in LOVE (Me wears a huge satisfied grin).

Sexually inclined the Contrary way ?!? Ahmm....Ahmm....

2005-12-23T22:07:00.000+08:00

Another lazy, laid back, but very productive day. Mum was at home, so couldn’t really use the internet lavishly due to numerous interruptions from her wanting to make phone calls. Hmmm….Last night was horrifying, absolutely horrifying. The facts and figures I was researching the whole afternoon haunted me for hours. I couldn’t read any more, my eyes were aching, but keeping the book aside and concentrating on sleep only got my mind wondering in unwanted direction. The most obscure eerie thoughts ran across my mind. My mind was not at peace, my body was not in control of it’s self, a sharp pain was running vertically back and forth my right arm and leg. I had the choice of continuing to read the Da Vinci Code or The Bible. I gave up on relying on the comfy mattress to do me any good tonight. Was aimlessly browsing through the net till the break of dawn, when I finally figured that neither my brain nor body could hold me straight any longer.

Woke up around mid afternoon, only to find Mummy dearest scurrying around the house, yapping at everyone for not helping her to get prepared for Christmas. Cakes, Christmas Decor, Christmas Trees mean nothing but utter BUNKEM to me. As for all the carols, “Absolute Gibberish”. Wait till I have a house and family of my own, every day would be Christmas, every day would be Valentines Day and there simply would not be any special occasions, including ghostly memorials and almsgivings. Birthdays are exceptional, I like em.

I feel weird, I’ve suddenly started looking at the world in a very different point of view and looks like my mental gear ain’t equipped enough to comprehend the new phase I’ve stepped in to. The problem that vexes me still lingers. The creature I am in love with is tagged to be sexually inclined the contrary way. They are rumours, suspicions, wild guesses and odd doubts of those around me. There is absolutely no proof I hold to actually making “THE” statement as to what he actually is, other than the printouts of a series of emails I treasure, which I possessed by hacking in to his email. I’ve pondered on confrontation, but this would only bring out the CON ARTIST in him back to play. Predicting his actions and reactions have become easier than it was for me to learn my Alphabet when I was a weenie babe, coz he is me, a replica of my ancient inner self.

Christmas means nothing more to me than to silently give praise to the My Master for giving his only begotten Son, to save a scoundrel like me and not forgetting the importance of driving ultra carefully down the rough roads all the way to the God forsaken bakery to bake the massive trays of Yucky Christmas cake (I don’t like Christmas cake)…..Hmmmphhh……

I cry for no purpose, tears roll down my cheek at night, and I simple don’t know why? I keep looking for something intangible and precious, which I don’t seem to find. NO…..it definitely ain’t LOVE, nothing as simple as that, coz no amount of love would or could possibly satisfy my burring soul. It scares me to suddenly jolt from a cavernous day dream and feel fire blazing out of my ear. Crazy as it sounds, this feeling I feel I simply cannot explicate !!!

The Truth !!!

2005-12-22T17:59:00.000+08:00

Finally got to buying the Da Vinci Code. I can’t seem to keep the book down………My own review about it very soon.

Been vexed by a situation for the past 2 weeks. I am in love with a very strange creature. A creature stranger than the strangest to walk the earth. I’m actually confused whether it’s love, sympathy or one of those indescribable emotions. I’ve made up my mind for the nth time…to drop it all and move on…..but I wouldn’t rest until I find out the truth……I just wouldn’t…The truth can be reached out for in the most ruthless, gruesome methods….or by using methods of absolute patience which would involve decades of waiting, pondering and silent torture. Which ever way I choose to use……cracking the code would be my ultimatum.

Today sure is a day of enlightenment. Just as I detest women of manipulation, today I actually did appreciate a woman of similar qualities……..Why I hate them? I myself cannot comprehend…….may be cause they reminds me of a part of myself I dislike and haven’t really come to terms with…..or may be because I just don’t want any one throwing their weight around me…Harsh and skeptical as I am……….I wonder if in my heart there ever would grow a genuine love for anyone or anything….

This blog sure is filled with anger and hatred (very anti-Christ like)…but the anger I feel is not about anything or anyone….but about my own self……I’m angry at how naïve I am…..at how fast I can be blinded by false idols (I don’t intend this to be interpreted directly)…I’m angry at the sympathy I feel…….. all the passion my soul goes through….I’m angry at the ambitions that dwell in me…..I’m angry at how strong my soul is…..I’m angry at the fact that I see the truth, sooner than later…….I could deceive my self by locking the doors of the past, but I know that I wouldn’t really move on until I have dealt with every single one of those skeletons that are locked up…….Deal with them harshly and smash the very existence of them.

This year sure has been a very promising year……and I trust it to resolve all my doubts, fears and anxieties before I happily step in to another brilliant year more promising than this. This year showed me the way but the next would lead me down the way. I’m all excited already about the experiences and the adventures it has in store for me.

He who tries to fool me……is sure gonna be fooled twice as much !!!

My Lil Angel

2005-12-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

It sure has been a typical Dawson’s Creek Series ever since I met him around mid August 2003. I don’t really regret the cancer/ hole in the heart scam he pulled, coz guess it just got me closer to him (dumb ass me, to bite such a dead rope) !!!

I didn’t say yes, when he wanted me to and it was too late when I realized that he was “THE ONE”. Been through loadsa misunderstandings, loadsa communication gaps, but at the end of the roller coaster ride, he is still my best friend and my everything.

This song explains how I exactly feel right now and I just pray he feels the same. Been thinking of him non-stop for the past 96 hours and it sure is driving me Nutttzzzzzz !!!

I Don’t Wanna Live Without Your Love - by Chicago

The evening was even more nuttier, me wanted (or rather desperately wanted) to send a bunch of flowers to him, but after a few negative opinions about it (from my so called macho guy friends) and the fact that I couldn’t find 2nd Chance flowers at Crescat made me settle for something a lil lamer than flowers (thanx to all the people who discouraged me bout the flowers…grrrrrrr). Was utterly sick, could hardly stand on me two feet (Not forgetting the blind crash I was about to experience at the car park, but…nah…Nothing could stop me, I had to give it to him. If this goes on for any longer, I’m a dead duck, but then again a “Happy” dead duck :)

I’ve handed over the situation to my "Master" and even though this is what I want, LET HIS WILL BE DONE !!!