Worldly Pressures of Single-hood (",)

It so happens to be that the species of the opposite sex I eventually begin to have the HOTS for are either, too old, taken or absolutely screwed up in their head. You wish you had access to the physically attractive ones you suddenly pass by on the road, but then again, who knows if they too are the average air heads.

Nah, being “Single” doesn’t annoy me at all, but the fact that it annoys everybody around me (including my mater) sorta drives me up the wall.

“Hey Judy, any one new & interesting?” (Friends)

“What men, no boyfriend yet?” (Relatives & Parent's friends) Plzzz…..I think I’ve had enough to last me a century :)

“Ahhh….next is you ah !” (At weddings)

“Time for you to find someone and settle down ah, enough trail and errors” (Mater)

Arrrghhh……Lord have mercy on my soul. The taunts are becoming worse these days. WHY? coz my closest second cousin, who happens to be my age, is getting engaged this coming Saturday. Woooahhhh….time for me to pack my bags and run away…...hehehe (I guess I just can’t take any more comments in that department). I love this woman, she’s the best cousin I’ve got and I’m overjoyed at the fact that she is hitching up (even though it ain’t with a dude of her parent’s dreams).

After a mega discussion about the whole issue of “Finding a man & settling down” with Mums last week, I sorta sat down in my quiet corner and fell deep in to pondering about the whole thing. I came up with the following Why’s (I choose to be single, at least for now) & Why Nots (I havn't bumped in to Prince Charming yet) which would keep me sane amidst all of em horrendous & irritating comments.

(1) I gotta lot to grow u know, I’m still very much a kid myself (they even say that I look 18) Unless the dude is willing to grow up with me…Screw it !!!

(2) I am quite happy being single, and don’t feel the need to go out with the very next dude who asks me out (They just don’t deserve my YES) !!!

(3) I still haven’t come across a man who is at least 80% mentally and physically appealing (according to my standards of measurement).They are just not my cup of tea (Btw. I like coffee) :)

(4) Every man I have come across so far (potential & non potential) have been absolutely puny, self centered and just not strong enough for me (I’d rather marry off a woman & make test tube babies). Even the strongest of em, when made transparent were a ball of insecurities (Not that I don’t have my own set of insecurities, but in my world, MEN just gotta be PERFECT) !

(5) Men these days have become so dependent, financially & mentally. They are either broke or depressed (That freaking annoys me). Most of them seem to be looking for a woman to cook & feed them, take care of their family as well as to boost their ego & pockets ONLY (Geeez….still to meet a guy who thinks women are much more than that) !

(6) They just don’t seem to be having the same world view I have (Why in the world would I wanna get hitched just to get entangled in a web of endless arguments?). This includes my religious beliefs. The ones who say that they do share the same belief, eventually turn outa be horrible posers.

(7) Most of them just can’t seem to stand (take up / tolerate) my “Are you genuine” test (I love this part) If you really say you like me, Put up with me !!!

(8) Where in the world has all the creativity, humour, zest and masculinity gone ?!?

(9) I don’t wanna be making the same mistake of ending up with the not so perfect dude ever again. If I was to ever even consider hitching up again, it would be nothing less than with the absolutely perfect GENTLEMAN, just made for me (made in heaven)

Note that I’ve emphasized on the word GENTLEMAN, which excludes the Kabbas, Gangstas, Rastas and the so called Cool Dudes (or was it Cool Duds).

(10) Last but not the least; I just don’t have the freaking time and energy to not be single right now.

Since I’ve got all my thoughts straight, guess I wouldn’t really bother explaining the reasons to people who question me from now on. So help me Lord, or rather HELP THEM !!!

My sweet schizophrenic friend on her way to recovery :)

I just couldn’t sleep last night. I felt a gripping fear and I so don’t know why. Oh boy ! Didn’t I suffer the consequences today? The only way I survived behind the wheel was by swallowing 2 boxes of tic tacs. Sleepy were my eyes & horrible was the feeling.

Finally got an appointment with Pastor Kegal for the Schizo Kid. He lay hands on her and prayed. Nothing much happened then. I wasn’t expecting much either, coz it needs to be a slow and steady recovery. He wanted to see her again in 2 weeks. More about her then.

2nd Day at Bible College

I expected an old guy to be my lecturer, coz the name of the lecturer on me time table was “Karin Ramachandra”, but the lecturer was quite a hyper Danish female...Yaaayyy :)

I was fuming and quite provoked by the end of the class. My twisted, aggressive and boorish ways of thinking about Religion, God, the Bible & the world were sure challenged. I am trying hard to be open to anything I'm gonna hear at this place. I wanna unlearn all my wrong ways of thinking and understand my Master’s mind just the way he wants me interpret it.

He that is in ME is GREATER

Finally made it to “Pragna” Bookshop and seized some of the recommended reading by my Mentor.

Unbroken Curses – by Rebecca Brown
Prepare for War – by Rebecca Brown

Rebecca Brown was an ex witch who later gave her life to the Lord. More updates about the books in the future.

For the time being I started on a book called “Seduction Exposed – by Dr. Gary L. Greenwald”. It’s opening my eyes to matters I’ve been confused about till now. It speaks about a range of practices & ways we are exposed to, which are not of the Lord.

(1) The Dangerous Transference of Spirits
(2) Soul Ties
(3) Charismatic Witchcraft
(4) Abominable Occultic Objects & Practices

Await my review on it in a coupla days.

Mr. Nicolle had finally managed to get an appointment with Pastor Kegal on Saturday, but the Schizophrenic kid’s Mum refused to make it. She had two reasons:-

(1) She was going out of Colombo with relatives who would look down upon her (& probably call her crazy) if they ever found out.

(2) The kid had turned boisterous and worse that what she was and this jolting her off and discouraging her. (The best part was that my Mentor hardly spoke to the girl, let alone lay hands and pray for her. It’s funny how weak the demons are and how freaked out they are of my Master. It sure looks like his very name makes em evil one’s shudder)

My Mentor predicted that the torture & the trials would increase when the demons figure out that a Christian angle is about to be introduced. Aunty sure was trying to back off from the whole thing as predicted, them demons were trying their very best to discourage her. No one of us are gonna give up, the child is gonna be restored to her normal sweet self before they even know it in the name of my precious Master “Christ”. My God is a God who opens massive gates & doors when tiny little windows get wide shut around us making our world dark and gloomy.

Why worry, when we have the following promises to stand on :-

The thief’s purpose is to, steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness (John 10: 10)

You belong to God, and have already won your fight with those who are against Christ, because there is someone in your hearts who is stronger than any evil teacher in this wicked world (1 John 4:4)

Mr. Nicolle finally managed to work something out for Monday. With God’s grace, I know everything will go smoothly.

First day at Bible College

I have been a rebel all my life and never have I agreed with anyone’s doctrines until Jesus got me hooked on to the Bible. It would be a lie if I say that I wasn’t a tad freaked out about attending Bible College due to me being unsure of my own reactions.

It was a pleasant surprise to find out that one of my cuz too was taking the same subject. It was all GOOD; I am learning to look at things in a less aggressive way. Being introduced to a guy with Islamic roots, who now is a believer, was sure a very encouraging encounter.

I honestly don’t know where God is taking me. Where ever it may be, as long he is there with me, I shall not fear.

A Strange but Wonderful Day

The day started out quite funny. Woke up at 5 (strange) and things were going hubbly-bubbly, topsy-turvy till mid morning. It was a big day, coz me had an appointment with My Mentor, Mr. Nicolle who was gonna meet the Schizophrenic. Geez, I’ve never been that nervous & jittery and I still can’t figure out why.

My Mentor confirmed the fact that the little girl was possessed the minute he laid eyes on her. I was awed by the way he handled the whole situation with the power of our Master, it was just amazing. He left the girl with her aunt downstairs and wanted me to escort him while he had a chat with the girl’s Mum and explained things to her. He then laid out a few options for her :-

(1) She could either believe whole-heartedly and restore her daughter back to her sweet self.

(2) Go back to all the mumbo jumbo she was used to and be free prisoners for ever.

It was a pathetic sight coz she kept on mentioning that she was willing to do “ANYTHING” as long as one can cure her daughter. Little did she know that doing “ANYTHING” wasn’t gonna take her anywhere, coz there’s just one way and that is the only way. My Mentor explained to her what I couldn’t explain for the past 2 months. We finished the discussion, with Mr. Nicolle promising to set up an appointment with Pastor Kegal (the deliverance Guru) asap.

I saw a change in Aunty’s face as we parted at the car park. She promised to stay away from her old path and truly believe. I was thrilled to the bone, just too thrilled to even express my happiness, coz the decision came from within her.

Picked Ma and rushed off for the “Young Adults” meeting, rather dinner at Jacintha’s place. I was exhausted, but hyped up to glory, coz she had a promise from My Master for me. These promises are lil slips of paper with promises from the bible, distributed at the 31st midnight service. Since I missed it, I picked one last Sunday at Church as well. Two promises for the year…Yaaaayyyy !!! (As a matter of factly the Bible is filled with promises, I have just started decoding them on my own, which will be linked to this blog sometime soon)

(1) Promise picked by me

The work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever (Isaiah32:17)

(2) Promise Given by Jacintha

Behold the former things are come to pass and new things do I declare, Before they spring forth I tell you of them (Isaiah 42 :9)

The very confirmations I wanted from the Lord. His ways are mightier and greater than ways of the world. This is his way of communicating with restless moi, who yet ain’t alert & responsive enough to his direct calling. Bumping in to promises from God is equivalent to receiving an email or a call from him. I’m truly feeling honoured, blessed and way up on cloud number 9.

Never knew that Jaci girl could cook…hehehe…The food was lip-smacking. Thanx a million Jacintha, looking forward for another home cooked meal and not forgetting Deanne’s chocolate biscuit pudding which was delicious

Hair Conditioner Aggravation

Ever since I started figuring out that Hair Conditioner could actually make my hair look pretty I’ve been cheating on every brand just to find out which sucker treats me best. I sure am feeling guilty as charged for my flamboyant disloyalty.

Pantene – Used it for a year and figured out that it is slowly steadily driving me bald.

Palmolive – Bamboo Shoot it was, no better than Pantene.

Natural (or some shit sounding like that) - An American product which almost set my hair on fire, the chemical reaction made my hair smoke away.

Wella – Was introduced to me by a hot (but a tad gay looking) hairdresser at Kess who refused to straighten my hair……hmmmphhh….but soon moved away from it, coz it started to dry my hair (or at least I thought it was doing so)

Vo5 – Not value for money, and too thick and pulpy.

St Ives – Dried & knotted my hair to glory. Expensive crap.

Sunsilk – Looks like cheap fake stuff which didn’t do my hair any good.

Shello (Local Crap) – Cheap stuff, Rs 140+ for a fair sized bottle. I felt like a Cancer patient under Chemotherapy. Hair loss was in millions not forgetting the fact that it has a quick sand effect.

Back to Pantene – The past was sure forgotten, experienced massive hair losses all over again.

Finally Loyal to Wella – I remember buying the big tub for a mere Rs. 400+ or was it Rs 600+, but crippled cows……it’s a freaking Rs. 895/= now. Hmmmm…I feel ripped off, really ripped off, but guess it’s the mildest and the best in the market. At least for leave on purposes.

Boiling Point :/

Had another “eye for an eye” argument with Daddy. It was all about the male – female balance, about Adam & Eve & Individualism. He provoked me to a point where I almost took the cloth covering the Tele & strangled him….Arrrrgh. He seems to be getting on my nerves these days. He’s got a problem with the way I drive, the way I eat and with the way I do almost everything. Either his age is catching up or he can’t take up the fact that I’m getting independent and growing up.

I am still at a boiling point.

Recap of 2005 & Resolutions for 2006 :)

The past year “2005” has been the most awesome & exciting year in my entire life. Why? Because……

(1) I found the truth, I found “Jesus Christ” who turned my life around for the better.

(2) Joined Bible College.

(3) I’ve built up the career of my dreams, “Wheeling & Dealing”.

(4) I shed all the unwanted baggage I was carrying from my past.

(5) Got away from all of em people who were obstructing my betterment, whilst finding some new and awesome friends.

(6) Dealt with monkey Business. I finally threw him out of my bag of responsibilities.

(7) Did everything GOOD as well as BAD which I’d dare not do. (Am I proud of the bad…nah…I regret having done em teeny tiny crimes, but it’s all good, since I’d never repeat any of em)

(8) Finally made decisions to move out from the house I’ve grown up for the last 19 years. Wow !!! That’s like a dream come true coz I hate this lonely neighborhood.

(9) Finally sold the Piano (A nightmare sitting right in the middle of the hall, torturing my life every time we have visitors) Phew….

(10) Last but not the least, this year brought back everything I lost, Ambitions, Hopes, Dreams & most of all my Life.

Resolutions for 2006.......

(1) Spend quality time with “My Master” seeking his face.

(2) Finish CIM (at least by 2007 June)

(3) Start Dancing once again (and this time, not to give up half way through).

(4) Less Clubbing, more Reading & Movies.

(5) Less Talking & more Writing.

(6) Less Idling & more Exploring (Ahhh…..those long drives…just me and my dinky toy).

(7) Join a Spanish & French Class (Try my hands on Arabic, if possible).

(8) Tune my guitar (yeah I’m a lazy bum, this has been my resolution for the past 2 years) & also learn to play the Drums (I ain’t never gonna buy another Piano again, I’m just not cut out for Piano, never was, never will)

(9) Buy my own 4 wheel drive (A rugged Pick up Truck, has been my dream for a long time)

(10) Wake up at 5 a.m & start the day with a work out (who am I kidding ! Lets give it a try though)

(11) Take a trip to UK, France or Aussie (using my own money of course).

(12) This last pointer is for my master to decide, amidst all my fleshly desires, he has his own purpose for me, Let his will be done !!!

New Year Bright Blues ;)

So tomorrow is the 31st night biggie........

What I had planned....

Stay in with my monkey and watch movies. I was quite exited about the whole thing, coz obviously I am head over heals in love with this dude.

Shocker....

Got a ringer while he was doing his evening show and viola ! He's got a question for me?

The Question....

Can "name" (female friend) hang around with us tomorrow, she doesn't have any one to hang around with.

Awesome !!!

My Spontaneous Answer......

Yeah sure, (coz I just ain't the over jealous type) how could it hurt any one. No worries.

My Muddled up thoughts after a few seconds.....

- Why would he want any one hanging around with us on a special day like tomorrow?
- I'm tired of all the games.
- He's gotta make his decisions & get his priorities straight.
- Wow what a damper !!!
- Obviously I am freaked out because of a few past experiences, never stayed long enough to get hurt, but still, 2 is company and three is definitely a crowd.

What I did..

Sent an SMS (which got delivered freaking 30 minutes later)

What it said...

Not comfy to share him with any one, especially tomorrow, so I can always stay back, no biggie (smile)

His reaction....

Replied the SMS with a.....

Waaaaaat?

And then a call........

(Me tried explaining and all he could muster up was, but y? but y?)

Who ever she is, he has told her that she cant hang around with us. (Good....very good, coz it all depended on his decision)

Note :- She's supposed to be an almost 30 year old Philipino (so it ain't about the person at all)....Arrrghhh

How I feel right now....

All the excitement is gone and I'm feeling sad & annoyed at my self.

I don't know if I did the correct thing, but I have played the understanding (old grand mere) honey bunch ever since and I'm tired of it. I just can't. I expect the same sacrifice I make, from him, may be I expect a lil more.

I don't know how tomorrow will turn out to be, but I'm glad I mentioned how I felt, coz that's exactly how I felt. I'm sure he would have felt the same if I wanted one of my (ordinary) guy friend hanging out with us.

I feel real bad, I feel a bitch, but I'm sick of taking shit. I wonder if I can ever handle a relationship. I feel torn. I hate my self. I ain't feeling any hatred or jealousy, but just don't want the past to repeat it self.

Tomorrow will be the deciding day. That's why I wanted it alone with him. Either I stay in it or leave for good.

I commit the whole situation to My Master. He will lead me home !!!

Continuation of the entry........(12 a.m)

Received a call from him and it went like this :-

Munkey : So what plans for tomorrow?

Me : U tell me? Btw. I'm really sorry for over-reacting before, she can hang around with us.

Munkey (using a rather Rude & Harsh Voice) : Now its too late....She is angry with me. Sin, poor soul, she doesn't have any one to hang around with and no one is willing to take her with them & I like a fool volunteered thinking that you might be ok with it.

Me : Thats why I gave you the option of hanging around with her, but do you really wan't a third party to put a damper on our relationship this time around as well? I'm sure u remember the past?

Munkey : She ain't no third party

Me : Then what is she? What is she?

(Munkey is trapped & speechless)

Munkey : U know what.....why do I even bother

(Either party dashes the phone...I couldn't really keep track of who actually did it first with all the fury I was feeling)

It's just over for me. Just plain over. If this is how deep what ever we share goes, then this is it. I finally give up, let go and move on with the only regret of sticking up for him and defending him all the while, but at least I fu**i*g dealt with it. It's over. No more suspense....Wooohoooooooo.........

I wanna take this opportunity to thank everyone who was with me on this. Saj, Sachira, Rajindha (how can I forget u), Joanna & especially Pasan (what would I had done without you, thank you so very much). I wouldn't have survived without these guys. I probably didn't crack the codes, but I so fuc***g don't wanna crack em codes no more, coz I don't care what happens. I'm just so happy I saved my self before it was too late.

I sometimes wonder whether he would ever relaised how much I loved him & that I gave my everything just to spend a few extra seconds with him. I wonder if he would relaise how much he hurt me and how many times he killed me over & over again. I wonder if he had ever loved me just as much as I loved him. I wonder if he would ever miss me.

Tomorrow I will destroy all the memories I carry of him coz they mean nothin to me any more. He will no longer be anything other than a hideous memory from the past. Tomorrow he might backstab me and spread rumours about me, call me a bitch, a whore and a freaking lesbian (I've heard those from him before), but I know better. None of em would affect me....NONE.

No, I wouldn't be carrying a hollow or a void with me, its only being filled by the truth I needed to know. I feel complete than ever. Swearing to never speak his name ever again I resume back to me cozy sleep. Tonight feels different, my soul hurts but my head feels light.

God is so good, he sure did fulfill his promise before the New Year dawned.

The Da Vinci Code

My faith still remains untouched & unexploited. This book sure tested all the faith I had in my Master, glad to figure out that nothing in the world can waver what I have for my Master. He is the sweetest things I have come across and the absolute truth I will ever come across.

The book is a thriller of thriller, breathtaking, fast paced and very consuming. My entire Christmas was robbed by the trepidation that was building inside me to know where it was leading and more than anything I wanted to know where my faith & beliefs stand. Was rather disappointed when I finally finished reading the last 30 pages left on Monday night. The super fast paced thriller suddenly took a wide winding turn to an absolutely boring, predictable, not-so-intense and slow end. Hmmmm……so much for Dan Brown’s imagination, but restless to get “Angels & Demons” which is the book that follows “The Da Vinci Code”.

I can’t deny the fact that my relationship with my Master got a tad distant the 5 days I was lost in the CODE. I sure got a tad skeptical like any other human. But something reminded me that my relationship with My Lord ain’t just based on what the Bible has to share with me. My love and respect for him runs a lot deeper than that.

Tuesday was an awesome day. Went to watch “King Kong” with my monkey & solved a big piece of the utterly mind boggling jigsaw puzzle under my nose at the moment. This monkey is all mine, they can take away his tail if they like to, but the monkey is still mine….muhahahaha…..None touches my POSSESIONS, especially not this possession.

Me signing out, gotta go worky out and dandify me cute self (that’s ma ego is catching up) to go gift shopping for the NEW Year.

Christmas In Judy-Land

24th was a freaking menace. The streets were absurdly crammed. The clothing stores around Wattala were displaying queues and queues of mortals impatiently waiting to get in. Keels Super was another torture chamber, 30 minutes of painful waiting to get out five”oh so not important” items Mummykins conveniently forgot to purchase beforehand.

Was grounded till Sunday afternoon, absolutely no way of sneaking out…..but …Mummykins yummy Lumprie was well worth it.

Met a super intelligent boy of 15 yesterday. A family friend’s Kid, all grown up now. I was quite impressed bout all that brilliant intelligence zapping across his brain (at least intelligent enough to have a conversation with me…hehehehe).

Managed to get permission to get out of the house around 5 p.m to go spend the rest of the evening with my monkey :) Just as I was about to leave, another on of me mums friends dropped in, with an absolutely annoying 3 year old female kid. Whilst I was dandifying to boggy, she barged in to me cozy lil room, and made her self Queen of all my possessions. Her eyes were zapping all around my room (she sure reminded me of an underworld looter, trying to figure out his next best loot….Grrrrrrrr). Her eyes fell on all the lil colourful gadgets, and YES…I was so right, her foxy eyes stopped right at my mega collection of (Carefully used and dearly loved) colour pencils and felt pens, which were cutely arranged in painstakingly, artistically pottered, clay jars. She pulled the whole bunch towards her (my heart began to sink....and a mean lil voice inside me shrieked wanting to DECIPLINE the menace) She robbed me of all my stationary and plopped her filthy self on me cozy, neatly arranged bed, and Kaboom !!!! She quite comfortably strewed the entire loada colours on my ever so loved bedcover and successfully left smeared blotches. I couldn’t threaten her, coz her parents were in the other room, and I didn’t want to appear to be the wicked aunty Judy. Hmmmph…….

Her eyes, then went across to the end of the bed, the Guitar….my prized Guitar…….No way is she gonna meddle with that…..I yelled, gagged her, pulled it outa her and plopped it over a high cupboard. Kids….especially lil female kids…….I hate them…..I simply don’t like them. Nah…..I simply don’t like the way they are brought up. Thank God I was not gonna be there at home to witness the massacre she was about to carry out. (Lord help my future kids, they are so gonna get all the love, care and attention and a large dash of hardcore Military Discipline) !!!

The few hours I spent with my monkey was the best Christmas gift I could have ever received. I sure felt like a smuggler walking out of his house, coz I was loaded with a massive bag of presents. Geeeez………I don’t deserve any of em. I only want him and him alone (Crooked Smirk…..tehehehehehe)

There was no place to hang around. Zilch !!! Excel World was a place where there could be a possible stampede…Arrrghh……G-Town at it’s best. Half an hours wait to get in and another good half an hours wait to get out. Colpetty & Rajagiriya Mc Donald, KFC, Queens, Dine- More……..and all the rest of the quickie fast food joints were crammed to the core. Were lucky enough to get a seating at the Union Place, KFC (Lucky Us).

Returned home, VERY Happy & HOPELESSLY in LOVE (Me wears a huge satisfied grin).

Sexually inclined the Contrary way ?!? Ahmm....Ahmm....

Another lazy, laid back, but very productive day. Mum was at home, so couldn’t really use the internet lavishly due to numerous interruptions from her wanting to make phone calls. Hmmm….Last night was horrifying, absolutely horrifying. The facts and figures I was researching the whole afternoon haunted me for hours. I couldn’t read any more, my eyes were aching, but keeping the book aside and concentrating on sleep only got my mind wondering in unwanted direction. The most obscure eerie thoughts ran across my mind. My mind was not at peace, my body was not in control of it’s self, a sharp pain was running vertically back and forth my right arm and leg. I had the choice of continuing to read the Da Vinci Code or The Bible. I gave up on relying on the comfy mattress to do me any good tonight. Was aimlessly browsing through the net till the break of dawn, when I finally figured that neither my brain nor body could hold me straight any longer.

Woke up around mid afternoon, only to find Mummy dearest scurrying around the house, yapping at everyone for not helping her to get prepared for Christmas. Cakes, Christmas Decor, Christmas Trees mean nothing but utter BUNKEM to me. As for all the carols, “Absolute Gibberish”. Wait till I have a house and family of my own, every day would be Christmas, every day would be Valentines Day and there simply would not be any special occasions, including ghostly memorials and almsgivings. Birthdays are exceptional, I like em.

I feel weird, I’ve suddenly started looking at the world in a very different point of view and looks like my mental gear ain’t equipped enough to comprehend the new phase I’ve stepped in to. The problem that vexes me still lingers. The creature I am in love with is tagged to be sexually inclined the contrary way. They are rumours, suspicions, wild guesses and odd doubts of those around me. There is absolutely no proof I hold to actually making “THE” statement as to what he actually is, other than the printouts of a series of emails I treasure, which I possessed by hacking in to his email. I’ve pondered on confrontation, but this would only bring out the CON ARTIST in him back to play. Predicting his actions and reactions have become easier than it was for me to learn my Alphabet when I was a weenie babe, coz he is me, a replica of my ancient inner self.

Christmas means nothing more to me than to silently give praise to the My Master for giving his only begotten Son, to save a scoundrel like me and not forgetting the importance of driving ultra carefully down the rough roads all the way to the God forsaken bakery to bake the massive trays of Yucky Christmas cake (I don’t like Christmas cake)…..Hmmmphhh……

I cry for no purpose, tears roll down my cheek at night, and I simple don’t know why? I keep looking for something intangible and precious, which I don’t seem to find. NO…..it definitely ain’t LOVE, nothing as simple as that, coz no amount of love would or could possibly satisfy my burring soul. It scares me to suddenly jolt from a cavernous day dream and feel fire blazing out of my ear. Crazy as it sounds, this feeling I feel I simply cannot explicate !!!

The Truth !!!

Finally got to buying the Da Vinci Code. I can’t seem to keep the book down………My own review about it very soon.

Been vexed by a situation for the past 2 weeks. I am in love with a very strange creature. A creature stranger than the strangest to walk the earth. I’m actually confused whether it’s love, sympathy or one of those indescribable emotions. I’ve made up my mind for the nth time…to drop it all and move on…..but I wouldn’t rest until I find out the truth……I just wouldn’t…The truth can be reached out for in the most ruthless, gruesome methods….or by using methods of absolute patience which would involve decades of waiting, pondering and silent torture. Which ever way I choose to use……cracking the code would be my ultimatum.

Today sure is a day of enlightenment. Just as I detest women of manipulation, today I actually did appreciate a woman of similar qualities……..Why I hate them? I myself cannot comprehend…….may be cause they reminds me of a part of myself I dislike and haven’t really come to terms with…..or may be because I just don’t want any one throwing their weight around me…Harsh and skeptical as I am……….I wonder if in my heart there ever would grow a genuine love for anyone or anything….

This blog sure is filled with anger and hatred (very anti-Christ like)…but the anger I feel is not about anything or anyone….but about my own self……I’m angry at how naïve I am…..at how fast I can be blinded by false idols (I don’t intend this to be interpreted directly)…I’m angry at the sympathy I feel…….. all the passion my soul goes through….I’m angry at the ambitions that dwell in me…..I’m angry at how strong my soul is…..I’m angry at the fact that I see the truth, sooner than later…….I could deceive my self by locking the doors of the past, but I know that I wouldn’t really move on until I have dealt with every single one of those skeletons that are locked up…….Deal with them harshly and smash the very existence of them.

This year sure has been a very promising year……and I trust it to resolve all my doubts, fears and anxieties before I happily step in to another brilliant year more promising than this. This year showed me the way but the next would lead me down the way. I’m all excited already about the experiences and the adventures it has in store for me.

He who tries to fool me……is sure gonna be fooled twice as much !!!

My Lil Angel

It sure has been a typical Dawson’s Creek Series ever since I met him around mid August 2003. I don’t really regret the cancer/ hole in the heart scam he pulled, coz guess it just got me closer to him (dumb ass me, to bite such a dead rope) !!!

I didn’t say yes, when he wanted me to and it was too late when I realized that he was “THE ONE”. Been through loadsa misunderstandings, loadsa communication gaps, but at the end of the roller coaster ride, he is still my best friend and my everything.

This song explains how I exactly feel right now and I just pray he feels the same. Been thinking of him non-stop for the past 96 hours and it sure is driving me Nutttzzzzzz !!!

I Don’t Wanna Live Without Your Love - by Chicago

The evening was even more nuttier, me wanted (or rather desperately wanted) to send a bunch of flowers to him, but after a few negative opinions about it (from my so called macho guy friends) and the fact that I couldn’t find 2nd Chance flowers at Crescat made me settle for something a lil lamer than flowers (thanx to all the people who discouraged me bout the flowers…grrrrrrr). Was utterly sick, could hardly stand on me two feet (Not forgetting the blind crash I was about to experience at the car park, but…nah…Nothing could stop me, I had to give it to him. If this goes on for any longer, I’m a dead duck, but then again a “Happy” dead duck :)

I’ve handed over the situation to my "Master" and even though this is what I want, LET HIS WILL BE DONE !!!

A blast of a weekend !!!

Saturday sure started with a bang…..met up with a female friend (yeah…freaky and unusual of me to hang around with the female species…but then again……she’s one of em nice ones)…..I was feeling jittery about the whole event, coz I wasn’t used to the whole girly thing…(took a big risk on that) !!!

Day started with a movie at MC……(pop corn, chips & soda…..I can handle that)……Boogied off to Crescat, for a quick bite…….(so far so good…she is actually cool)….A lil bita roaming around…and off to “Excel World”…………Got soaked at the “Winter Wonder Land” awesome place…me won a lame gift as well..(for getting the most amount of snow on me)…..Had a ball with em lil kids……Woaaaah…that was real snow……just awesome…

Then headed for the ever so longed for…RIDES……. Scrambler & the Train sorta thingy……this is what I call getting away from it all…….better than relaxing with coffee……I truly had fun…….and thrilled that I found a equally wonky, down to earth, sweet girl pal to hang around with.

Sunday morning was laid back and annoying coz of the numerous calls inquiring about our house on sale…….Dragged myself to church…..it was all good…..but what me was looking forward was for the hang out with me "Lil Angel"……..He sure has a certain affect on me…..his very call makes me heart race faster…….as a matter of factly, no guy has ever made me feel that way…..(I only hope he knows that). He doesn’t have to kiss me…he doesn’t even have to hold my hand…..just one look could knock me flat (grin….. grin) It’s been 2 years…..but it feels like I had just fallen in love with him…….and the best part is that I keep falling over and over again, every time I see him.

We hung around at millennium park again today…….had another ball of a time….but this time a better one, coz it was with him…..hehehe….I sometimes question myself as to whether he is my best friend, or that one special person…my reason for living….my everything……I could never find the answers to that, till the day I do actually run away with someone else….or settle down with him, the only guy who could put a big bright smile all over my face, makes my heart race faster & slower at the same time & love me till the end of time, no matter what

Love ya loads me "Lil Angel"……that would never change……and no one could ever take your place !!!

Anywayz…..back to work after the perfect get away ………………..woaaaah………3 more days to go before another holiday (whine…whine)………

P.S :- 10'000 apologies to all people who's messages and calls I didn't respond to.....I truely and very sorry........but.....pweeese...I really needed this weekend off.......ALL TO MY SELF !!!

Anger, Frustration, Confusion, Disappointment & All Negative Traits…..Arrrghhh !!!!

After a mega arguments about all sorta of religions with me Dad yesterday…I got thinking again….All religions ask people to be good….but how good can a person be……I’ve turned from the Wicked, Satanic, Evil person I was 10 months back…I’m trying hard to be a better person, genuinely love people around me…..(I said I was trying)…..It wasn’t hard at all to kick their asses outa my way before…But now it’s difficult, coz I am convicted that it is WRONG to do so.

I remember some of my so-called-Christian friends, teaching me how to say NO……Say NO to worldly things……..But what do I say, when they themselves try to use my kindness and exploit the love I have for them. I genuinely do adore them, love them & appreciate the fact that they have been their for me…….but….how far does gratitude really have to go……Enlightened as they are….why can’t they comprehend the selfish act they are committing?

I sure have acted boorish and stayed away from a lot of my friends & events, because of the fear factor of being sucked back in to my old life again. The deep dark hole of spite & evil. But eventually I realized that No one is perfect…….The fact still remains that I would never turn away from the truth I found…”Jesus Christ” the transformer of lives…My Salvation…..but guess I’ve learned enough, not to depend on a church or look up to the so called Extreme Christian racists for my growth…Of course I may never grow up to be a perfect mirror image of my master, but at least, I wouldn’t be a hypocrite bounded by an organized denomination.

Am I throwing the Church away after I sucked out the life it had to give me??? No…..I ain’t that ungrateful…..But if I remain there…I would only fall away just like most of em. Christian’s aren’t supposed to be a different race, or different cast….they are supposed to mirror images of Jesus…spreading love, joy & hope…& not be initiators of religious wars.

I was yearning to join Bible college, coz I wanted to understand the Bible (more than I do now)…..read between the lines & to figure out the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the whole truth. I wanted to know more about God……I wanted to know more about the rights and the wrongs. I want to have a closer walk with my master & not fall away…….But what do I hear when I go for my registration…I fill in the form & lady registrar lets me in to the fact that I have to submit a letter by my Church Pastor that stating that I actually do belong to a particular church & if I fail to do so before my first class in January, my registration would be cancelled. Wow !!!! I wish she actually did see the disgust written all over my face……..Utter Disgust !!!!

I wish I could change things…..but I can’t…..all I can do is try not to fall victim to the so called qualities I detest in people around me…..after all who am I to judge???

Last, but no the least, I apologies to every one I offended, belittled, & took for granted, during my period of transformation (learning process). I’m really sorry if I acted a racist of extreme view points (unintentionally of course). The self identification process is crazy & most of all frustrating (I hope you understand). I sometimes wonder what sort of identification I have. Do I want to call myself a Christian? (Of course I can…..but the question remains whether I want to)? And when one makes a statement as the following …”Ohh….another one of em hypocrites”…..do I have to stoop low and defend my self by denying facts & examples they throw my way by answering…..”Nei…not one of them…Look at me..I am different”) !!!

Why why??? So many questions with absolutely no answers? So many confusions, I have to deal alone. I remember something harping in my ear “Christianity is not a lonely walk child” My Tush !!! (I reserve the rest of my comments).

God Bless You !!!
(Follower of Jesus Christ)

If I am any HAPPIER, I’d Burst !!!

Woahh…what a day !!! If I am any happier, I’d proly burst in to a million pieces.

(1) Dropped Ma to work at Union Place unusually early.

(2) Drove all the way back to a garage in Kandana to repair the car….My Boo is a SMOOTHIE now…….Real Smooth !!! Amazing how a tiny prob like a crack in the gear box mount can make such a bug clutter.

(3) Expected to spend around Rs.5000.00 for the repair, but was only charged, Rs. 350/=…..Yipppy !!!!

(4) Drove back Home….and went all the way to Kirulapona for 2 very successful sales. Their words were very encouraging…Me was THRILLED !!!

(5) Registered for 2 subjects at the Bible College, Kohuwala……(What I’ve been really really wanting to do for the past couple of months).

(6) Mums’ was supposed to lunch with us, but she let us down. So…it was only me an Dad…..(Hmmm…I’ve never actually done a luncheon with Dad alone)….Tried Rohan’s…a place I dared not to step in….but the food was actually good……All north Indian Cuisine, and yeah…you could say reasonably priced…..Looks a dingy joint from outside, but quite good on the inside.

(7) Went to the Museum with Dad….(after around 15 years….that’s another I really wanted to do for ages)…..Fini checking out the Museum in 1 ½ hours…..Nothing much to see…The Museum itself was in ruins……Paint on the walls were scratched & ripped out….water dripping from the roofs on to “should be preserved” treasures….No body to show the way and help figure out what is what…some sections being dusty & dirty….pathetic sight….

(8) Dropped Dad at Mum’s office, and boggied off to Crescat, to do some banking and to see me Lil Angel…..Nothing could make me happier than that……I was thrilled to see him…..absolutely thrilled…….I wish we get to go on our routine Christmas ritual this year as well…I miss all the fun……Sometimes I actually do wish there comes in to me life some one else who could take his place……totally take his place…that’ll be the day I can make the biggie statement “Geez…I’m in Love”

(9) Met up with Kanishka & Lashan…….and hung out for a while…yeah…Sweet !!! Adore em like me own siblings.

(10) And to add a lil spice to all the lil happy yuppies me had for the day, just 2 minutes before me reached home, I get a call from a familiar number, Tharanga……awwww…….I had to keep the phone and say that I would contact him as soon as I got home, coz if I hadn’t….(Kaboom…Crash not forgetting a BANG) !!! He’s back in SL…..excellent.

(11) The best part is that after all the hype & driving, I still got loads of energy left……AWSOME !!!

I so don’t remember a day that has gone better than today. If I did have one wish right now…I’d relive today all over again.

It’s Good to know that God is in CONTROL !!!

God Bless you !!!

The (So Called) Matrix

Spooky, unrealistic movie throwing out mixed messages, which would make the "Brain Dead" to get thinking of eternity and reality…and confuse the “I’m so set apart” smart asses of all religions and denominations as well as to question their faith………..

All the reviews I’ve read about the movie, stated the same thing…..It’s more a movie, based on Christianity (with a touch of Bhuddist thinking & Gnostic beliefs)…bla bla bla…. I wouldn’t really want to argue too much about the sequel, coz it truly lacks any real substance to support the foundation or the so called frame.

Even though it is connected to Christianity in so many ways…this movie too shall remain just another movie I wouldn’t bother wasting my time to understand. Coz what I believe in is strong, and nothing or no one will/shall/can influence me to believe in anything else.

Pasan had a total different theory regarding the whole movie…firewalls, viruses, servers, programmes & a whole loada technical jargons…Bahhh…I would never fully comprehend what you are trying to explain….I truly wonder where all these frustrating arguments about religion, logic & philosophy would end....MURDER !!!! Cold Blooded MURDER !!!! (",)

Movies & Escapism

Yeah…taking some time out being my ultimate priority….I’ve watched quite a coupla movies the past 48 hours…."Matrix 1/2/3"….”Bridget Jones Diary 2”…”Monster in law”…and a few more comedies……..I know em movies are old…but these are what I missed, while I was attempting to make money (Emphasizing the word : Attempting) …..A review on Matrix coming up soon…..still working on it…If only the producers did speak their mind a tad more…..comprehending the trilogy wouldn’t be so difficult…..Coz the mystery really ain’t about the movie at all….it’s about why they ever thought of producing such a movie? (Money yeah…but other than that….why?) There’s always a reason other than plain dough….Overall….I had a ball of a time watching Keanu Reeves…..(oooooooowweeee..Hotttieeeee) !!!!

Movies & Escapism……who can be blamed…..Mother in law problems automatically being solved in the movie Monster in Law……and the fact that a sane man could actually end up with a disaster like Bridget Jones…..Unrealistic as it is…Ermm…happening to wonder whether a successful, secure man would actually end up with an insecure, un-groomed, scatter of a woman????? Hmmm…The movie was a bore…but Hugh Grant was HOT…..Wowy…do men like him actually exist ???

I sure got disgusted with all the Girlie 2 shoes movies…ever since I watched “Bewitched” last Saturday…..Why does Hollywood even bother wasting their time making em movies…..total disaster…How dumb do they expect women to be ? (Or should I be using the word lame…Or just may be I shouldn’t have actually put that question on print)???

The Blog continues……(After 4 hours of deep sleep in the mid afternoon)….Yummy mutton Chinese Roll feed from Nippon (Run down place, but their snacks taste good…and it’s the only hygienic place around mum’s work place)….one tough driving session…and another ten hours of deep sleep….

I really don’t know how I can sleep this much, being the insomniac all my life….it sure is a tad surprising….They proly are the withdrawal symptoms of staying away from the internet and all my monkey business…..haven’t been online for more than 48 hours…..I sure am feeling good about the deprived state me deliberately undergoing…Training myself to check mail just once a week, and to read the bible the first thing in the morning than switching on the computer sure is difficult than I thought…but worth giving a try….

Instead…watched three movies at a stretch…..”Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”….. “Fifteen & Pregnant” ……arrrgh…...I wish every school showed this movie….It’s crazy how the world works……just not fair……and “The Bachelor”….It still annoys me as to how a bloke can be in love…utterly in love…..and still decides to be running around…..Hmmmm… I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never understand why? & the whole Mustang theory explained in the movie….nah!!! that don’t convince me….it’s all bullshit…a lame excuse…..And to all of em people laughing at me “cute ass” for waiting for “the” MAGIC to happen……and, nothing BUT the “MAGIC” to happen…..Nah…I wouldn’t stick any fingers out at ya ......muhahahahahaah