I’ve been meaning to post a few tips / structure about what a couple should be concerned about before evening “Thinking Towards Marriage”. All honour goes to ‘Rev. Ted Rubesh’ for putting together the following structure (and distributing it among the class). I’m painstakingly typing it out hoping and wishing that it would be useful to at least some of the readers in some tiny way. I believe following this structure would lessen plenty heartaches, divorces and all of em unwanted problems faced by couples in (committed) relationships. Some of em questions would definitely help the ones who are trapped in a vicious make up-break up cycle to stop for a moment and ask them what they really want from the going nowhere relationships as well as from themselves.
(A) Knowing Yourself - (Your Personal Past)
(1) Family Background
a) What was / is your relationship with your mother / father?
b) Will your parents find it difficult to “let go” of you? In what ways?
c) In what ways will you find it difficult to “leave” home and parent?
d) What aspects of your parental home life were positive for you and what were negative? (their communication with each other; their love life etc..)
e) How might these factors shape your marriage for better or worse? What might you be able to do to lessen the negative aspects?
f) What is your family’s attitude towards your partner now, and how does this affect you?
(2) Relationships
a) Other than your partner, do you have close friends, or find it easy to make friends?
b) Have you had painful experiences of being let down by those you loved and trusted? If so, how do they affect your present relationship?
c) How have you handled relationships that have been difficult or disappointing?
d) Were you ever sexually abused as a child, or have you ever engaged in physical intimacy in a past relationship? If so, does you fiancée know/do you plan to share this information? (When?)How might this history affect you relationship together in the future?
e) Do you ever struggle with “same-sex” attraction? If so, will you or have you shared this with you fiancée? How might this struggle impact your future marriage? Have you sought counsel?
(3) Abilities / Achievement / Ambitions
a) What are your feelings about your level of achievement or non-achievement?
b) Are you creative / practical / intellectual / an organizer?
c) Do you have any major ambitions in life? How might marriage affect them?
d) How important is financial security to you?
(4) Spare Time Interests
a) How do you relax? Hobbies?
b) Are you a “people person” or do you prefer seclusion (or the company of a computer or TV?)
(5) Spiritual Growth
a) How have you grown (or shrunk) spiritually this last year?
b) How would you describe you spiritual pilgrimage so far?
c) How would you describe you present relationship to the Lord?
d) In what ways would you want to change?
(6) Physical and Mental Health
a) Have you had any serious physical pr psychological illnesses or treatment? How have these affected you as a person?
b) How do you respond to stress?
c) How would you describe your temperament? (Note : While Tim LaHaye’s “temperament model”…choleric / phlegmatic / sanguine / melancholy…does not cover all the bases, it’s not a bad place to start trying to evaluate your personality type. C. his book ‘Spirit Controlled Temperament’.)
d) What do you consider as your strong points? Weak points?
(B) Knowing Each Other - (Your Present Relationship)
1) Why do I want to get married? (I’m in love stupid !!!; social acceptance or pressure; desire
(A) Knowing Yourself - (Your Personal Past)
(1) Family Background
a) What was / is your relationship with your mother / father?
b) Will your parents find it difficult to “let go” of you? In what ways?
c) In what ways will you find it difficult to “leave” home and parent?
d) What aspects of your parental home life were positive for you and what were negative? (their communication with each other; their love life etc..)
e) How might these factors shape your marriage for better or worse? What might you be able to do to lessen the negative aspects?
f) What is your family’s attitude towards your partner now, and how does this affect you?
(2) Relationships
a) Other than your partner, do you have close friends, or find it easy to make friends?
b) Have you had painful experiences of being let down by those you loved and trusted? If so, how do they affect your present relationship?
c) How have you handled relationships that have been difficult or disappointing?
d) Were you ever sexually abused as a child, or have you ever engaged in physical intimacy in a past relationship? If so, does you fiancée know/do you plan to share this information? (When?)How might this history affect you relationship together in the future?
e) Do you ever struggle with “same-sex” attraction? If so, will you or have you shared this with you fiancée? How might this struggle impact your future marriage? Have you sought counsel?
(3) Abilities / Achievement / Ambitions
a) What are your feelings about your level of achievement or non-achievement?
b) Are you creative / practical / intellectual / an organizer?
c) Do you have any major ambitions in life? How might marriage affect them?
d) How important is financial security to you?
(4) Spare Time Interests
a) How do you relax? Hobbies?
b) Are you a “people person” or do you prefer seclusion (or the company of a computer or TV?)
(5) Spiritual Growth
a) How have you grown (or shrunk) spiritually this last year?
b) How would you describe you spiritual pilgrimage so far?
c) How would you describe you present relationship to the Lord?
d) In what ways would you want to change?
(6) Physical and Mental Health
a) Have you had any serious physical pr psychological illnesses or treatment? How have these affected you as a person?
b) How do you respond to stress?
c) How would you describe your temperament? (Note : While Tim LaHaye’s “temperament model”…choleric / phlegmatic / sanguine / melancholy…does not cover all the bases, it’s not a bad place to start trying to evaluate your personality type. C. his book ‘Spirit Controlled Temperament’.)
d) What do you consider as your strong points? Weak points?
(B) Knowing Each Other - (Your Present Relationship)
1) Why do I want to get married? (I’m in love stupid !!!; social acceptance or pressure; desire
for relationship; sexual fulfillment; desire to start a family etc.)
2) Where does the Lordship of Christ fit in to our relationship? Do we share similar attitudes to commitment to Christ? Service for Him? Christ-like standards? The conviction that marriage is for life? The need for the Lord’s grace continually, helping us to achieve oneness in Christ Jesus?Do we find it easy to pray / worship together?
3) What attracts me to my partner? What do I value in him/her? Am I physically attracted? Do I have a sense of respect for his/her character? Is he/she the sort of person I would like to be the parent of my children? Can I compare him/ her favourably with others – (with my father /mother / friends)? Do I feel proud to be associated with him / her?
4) What needs of mine am I expecting for him / her to meet at present? (a clue might be “When I am disappointed or hurt in our relationship?”)
5) What are the areas in which we complement one another? Are our personalities compatible in daily living? Temperamental differences and needs? Tastes / standards / interests?
6) Do we keep each other informed about our schedules and whereabouts?
7) What are two of the happiest or most precious memories about our relationship thus far?
8) In what ways do we express our love for each other? (or do you find this difficult?) Is my partner able to “decode” the way I express my affection? (Note : a very helpful book on the subject is The Five Love Languages)
9) Are there boundaries on the level of our physical involvement with each other until marriage?Are we sticking to them? Are these parameters that we both feel are important?
10) What disturbs or irritates me about him/her? Which are areas of potential conflict? (finance. in-laws, communication, sex, children…) What makes us argue? If we don’t argue…why don’t we? How do we resolve disagreements? Who gives way? Why? How does “forgiveness” operate in our relationship?
11) Are we being realistic about our suitability for one another? Are there areas we/I need to talk over with someone else?
(c) Expectations - (Looking at the Future)
What do I expect from marriage / and what do I think you expect of me from marriage?
(1) Level of relationship after marriage:
a) What level of “overlap of lives” does each of us expect our marriage to produce? (maximum overlap / minimum overlap)
b) In what ways will we give our relationship “room to breathe”?
c) How will we “service” our relationship after marriage?
(2) Roles and Responsibilities
a) What are our concepts of Biblical leadership and submission?
b) How do we see the delegation of responsibility and the process of decision-making taking shape in our marriage?
c) What are your thoughts on “working woman” vs. “house wife”?
(3) Home
a) What do each of us expect with regard to “housing” and “standard of living”? How does each of us define “neatness” and “cleanliness”?
b) What is your thinking regarding the issue of emigration?
c) How important is “hospitality” and an “open home” to each of us?
d) How important are celebrations such as Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries etc. to each of us?
e) Who is going to cook, clean, fix the leaky pipes, take out the garbage, make the beds, pay the bills, buy the groceries, feed the dog….?
f) What’s my favourite TV programme? Hat’s my spouse’s? What happens if they are both on at the same time?
(4) Sexuality
a) What are my present feelings about my future sexual relationship with my spouse? (disturbed / fearful / anxious / neutral / expectant / excited / intrigued)
b) What do I feel is God’s perspective on our married love life?
c) How will the dynamics of sexual stimulation, response and climax differ between my spouse and me?
d) How will I deal with potential sexual problems? (pre-mature ejaculation; inability to maintain erection; inability to come to achieve orgasm, frigidity etc.)
e) Will I be able to refuse sexual requests from my spouse without offending him / her? (What will I say?) And how will I handle a “turn down”
f) How do I define “fidelity” and “faithfulness” in marriage? How would I deal with any infidelity and unfaithfulness that I might discover on my spouse’s part? How will I deal with it when I find it infiltrating my own life?
g) Who is responsible for birth control? I f we are planning to postpone having children, what form of birth control do we plan on using?
(5) Children
a) Do we actually want children? (when screaming and sticky) How many?
b) Who will be responsible for bringing the kids up? (changing the nappies, helping with homework, disciplining, etc..) What are our expectations for their education?
c) Who will take on the responsibility of spiritual discipleship of the children?
(6) In –Laws & Parents
a) What are my expectations of my in-laws? What are their expectations of me?
b) What are our thoughts on living with in-laws? What does “leaving” mean to us in practical terms? What does “honouring your father and mother” mean to us in practical terms?
(7) Finance
a) What are our respective ideas on such things as joint accounts / salaries / personal allowance / budgeting etc.?
b) Do my partner or I have strong feelings. Traditions or convictions in any of the following areas : family gifts / financial goals / insurance / savings / getting into debt (e.g. mortgage) / credit cards / tithing and giving etc..
c) What are our expectations about spending money on holidays / hobbies etc.?
(8) Christian Commitment
a) What expectations do each of us bring with regard to frequency of church attendance? Where will we worship together? What level of commitment to church life will we pursue?
b) What place will prayer and time in God’s Word together have in our relationship
c) How will I balance the obligations of ministry, marriage and family? Which will receive priority?
2) Where does the Lordship of Christ fit in to our relationship? Do we share similar attitudes to commitment to Christ? Service for Him? Christ-like standards? The conviction that marriage is for life? The need for the Lord’s grace continually, helping us to achieve oneness in Christ Jesus?Do we find it easy to pray / worship together?
3) What attracts me to my partner? What do I value in him/her? Am I physically attracted? Do I have a sense of respect for his/her character? Is he/she the sort of person I would like to be the parent of my children? Can I compare him/ her favourably with others – (with my father /mother / friends)? Do I feel proud to be associated with him / her?
4) What needs of mine am I expecting for him / her to meet at present? (a clue might be “When I am disappointed or hurt in our relationship?”)
5) What are the areas in which we complement one another? Are our personalities compatible in daily living? Temperamental differences and needs? Tastes / standards / interests?
6) Do we keep each other informed about our schedules and whereabouts?
7) What are two of the happiest or most precious memories about our relationship thus far?
8) In what ways do we express our love for each other? (or do you find this difficult?) Is my partner able to “decode” the way I express my affection? (Note : a very helpful book on the subject is The Five Love Languages)
9) Are there boundaries on the level of our physical involvement with each other until marriage?Are we sticking to them? Are these parameters that we both feel are important?
10) What disturbs or irritates me about him/her? Which are areas of potential conflict? (finance. in-laws, communication, sex, children…) What makes us argue? If we don’t argue…why don’t we? How do we resolve disagreements? Who gives way? Why? How does “forgiveness” operate in our relationship?
11) Are we being realistic about our suitability for one another? Are there areas we/I need to talk over with someone else?
(c) Expectations - (Looking at the Future)
What do I expect from marriage / and what do I think you expect of me from marriage?
(1) Level of relationship after marriage:
a) What level of “overlap of lives” does each of us expect our marriage to produce? (maximum overlap / minimum overlap)
b) In what ways will we give our relationship “room to breathe”?
c) How will we “service” our relationship after marriage?
(2) Roles and Responsibilities
a) What are our concepts of Biblical leadership and submission?
b) How do we see the delegation of responsibility and the process of decision-making taking shape in our marriage?
c) What are your thoughts on “working woman” vs. “house wife”?
(3) Home
a) What do each of us expect with regard to “housing” and “standard of living”? How does each of us define “neatness” and “cleanliness”?
b) What is your thinking regarding the issue of emigration?
c) How important is “hospitality” and an “open home” to each of us?
d) How important are celebrations such as Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries etc. to each of us?
e) Who is going to cook, clean, fix the leaky pipes, take out the garbage, make the beds, pay the bills, buy the groceries, feed the dog….?
f) What’s my favourite TV programme? Hat’s my spouse’s? What happens if they are both on at the same time?
(4) Sexuality
a) What are my present feelings about my future sexual relationship with my spouse? (disturbed / fearful / anxious / neutral / expectant / excited / intrigued)
b) What do I feel is God’s perspective on our married love life?
c) How will the dynamics of sexual stimulation, response and climax differ between my spouse and me?
d) How will I deal with potential sexual problems? (pre-mature ejaculation; inability to maintain erection; inability to come to achieve orgasm, frigidity etc.)
e) Will I be able to refuse sexual requests from my spouse without offending him / her? (What will I say?) And how will I handle a “turn down”
f) How do I define “fidelity” and “faithfulness” in marriage? How would I deal with any infidelity and unfaithfulness that I might discover on my spouse’s part? How will I deal with it when I find it infiltrating my own life?
g) Who is responsible for birth control? I f we are planning to postpone having children, what form of birth control do we plan on using?
(5) Children
a) Do we actually want children? (when screaming and sticky) How many?
b) Who will be responsible for bringing the kids up? (changing the nappies, helping with homework, disciplining, etc..) What are our expectations for their education?
c) Who will take on the responsibility of spiritual discipleship of the children?
(6) In –Laws & Parents
a) What are my expectations of my in-laws? What are their expectations of me?
b) What are our thoughts on living with in-laws? What does “leaving” mean to us in practical terms? What does “honouring your father and mother” mean to us in practical terms?
(7) Finance
a) What are our respective ideas on such things as joint accounts / salaries / personal allowance / budgeting etc.?
b) Do my partner or I have strong feelings. Traditions or convictions in any of the following areas : family gifts / financial goals / insurance / savings / getting into debt (e.g. mortgage) / credit cards / tithing and giving etc..
c) What are our expectations about spending money on holidays / hobbies etc.?
(8) Christian Commitment
a) What expectations do each of us bring with regard to frequency of church attendance? Where will we worship together? What level of commitment to church life will we pursue?
b) What place will prayer and time in God’s Word together have in our relationship
c) How will I balance the obligations of ministry, marriage and family? Which will receive priority?
18 comments:
Does he address marriage outside of christianity? That'd be a point I'd want to discuss with him over a pint.
I don't think he'll need the pint...Christian or no Christian, it's all about the degree of committment towards what ever one believs. It's all in the hands of the two in LOVE :)
Aren't these things that a couple finds out as their relationship develops? I went through the list and realized that my partner and I have an understanding about almost all the issues listed in your entry. I don't think it should be a situation where you think of it in terms of a list and tick off things you have covered. It comes in the process of the relationship developing. Each day brings in something new and it doesn't stop after marriage either. And your views don't always agree but that is a risk you take when you get into a relationship.
YOUR GETTING MARRIED!!!! arent you? heheh...ok ok ok...i'll stop already!...just thought i'd scream a comment before i left....yes im still running around net cafes, but at least i know that my chip (AMD) is fried...:( so i better go now or i'll be charged for yt another 15 minutes and as always im broke...so seeya round sweetness...
Well Sach...Yep, one may never know most of em pointers bfore the realtionship is full blown, but there are plenty one can sniff from very far. It's freaking annoying how people get all freaked out when they hit 25/26 and get married to anybody who winks an eye at them, they know that it's gonna go wrong somewhere sometime, but they still go ahead due to the fear of being single (I've seen around 5 cases as such). There are the other who get in to an incompatible relationship and stay in it just becoz they can't handle breaking up and finally get married and then head disaster...and the reasons go on and on and on....The point I wanted to bring about was that this structure which is usually follwed by a pastor when handling marraige counselling must actually be discussed and sorted out by the couple before they get too deep (only if they wish of course).
As for Dimi, How dumb do you think I am u goat ?!? I ain't tying the noose anytime soon...hehehe
Hmmm.. I know a lot of things on this page will help a loooot of people :D including me :D
Ane mandaa......It's a long list. Going out with someone is precarious enough for me and now this check-list...
wow.... That's hell of along list....
Its like doing an annual marketing trip at the pettah market....
I must admit, these are valid points to discuss... In most cases when a couple discusses these matters, the element love blinds them and they tend to agree on most matters or decide to cross the bridge when they get to it...
Theoritically it works, Practicality of the matter is pretty doubtfull... Cos ppl change, and changes generally bring about uncertainity...
You could modify the list into a questionnaire and then give every prospective spouse a copy to fill in. That would save you a lot of work.
Well Pasan...if that was specifically directed towards me...Boohooohaaaaahaahaa...
But yes, a similar or a modified version could be used as an helpful structure to discuss (at least before the frigin engagement) (",)
Depp Charge...I totally agree with you, but don't you think that something is better than blindly jumping in to commitments based on flakey/volatile feelings.
are you trying to convince people not to get married in this post?!? (evil smile)
actually its a good bunch of questions... points out that marriage aint a joke.
I am actually trying to tell people to think twice about marraige. Yeah it ain't a joke and it ain't a must and should never be done for the sake of getting an "I'm-(now)--married" title (",)
This is just a view point I agree with (or rather, I am for), It ain't a said and done statement :)
Kill-Joy!!!!
and am i the only one who leaves stupid comments on your blog...seems like it no? damn! once again....KILL-JOY :p...after reading this i'm all freaked out about tying the knot/noose/whatever!!!...cheee...and to think i though eloping would be "cool"...hmph...burst dimi's bubble :(
Burst your bubble ? yuck !
thas a lot of questions :|
AFTER PARTITION OR BEFORE...
I CANT RECALL....
(SUNG IN A DESPICABLE INDIAN ACCENT...)
NOW ON TO BUSINESS....
I AM THE NEW GEEZER IN TOWN..
..3 WORDS....U ALL SUCK..
WHY EVERYONE IS SO UGLY HERE...WHY SO EXPENSIVE?WHY THE CROOKERY?WHY NOONE IS HAVING SEX?ALL THIS TEEN ANGST YADDA YADDDA GET A LIFE YOU IDIOT...
P.S ARE DESIS ALLERGIC TO ROCK?
LIKE BUGGERY THEY ARE..
Oh...the new geezer huh? We usually use geezers in our loos, (may be that's exactly where u belong).
If we are ugly, why couldn't you be in you own freaking country, admiring all of em chapaththi faces instead. You were so ugly that they kicked you outa there didn't they ?...hahaha
As for the crookery & suckery, it takes one to know one. You sure must be one hell of a crook !
As for sex, yes they do have it,plenty, but not like dogs on the streets and deperados like you.
And as for rock, open your ears (or get them cleaned, i'm sure they are filled with cheap indian wax)
Finally, if you ever wanna comment on my blog, make it relevant and respect the Sri Lankans, and finally for your information, we do not call ourselves freaking Desi's.
yo potato head. post relevant comments. get a life!!!
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