The Blessing

It’s been three months since we shifted to the jungles and I still haven’t settled in a regular church. I was just loaded with numerous choices, which weren’t satisfying. Choosing a church to belong should be done as cautiously as getting married (“,). There are bound to be terrible issues if the spirit of the church doesn’t cross paths by any means. They must agree on their belifs and interpretations to a level the worshiper is comfortable and at home at the place of worship.

Woke up late and missed my first choice for a place of worship. Then called Chris to find out if I could tag along to her place of worship, but unfortunately (or fortunately) she had decided to make it to the early morning service instead. I was determining to make it to church by hook or by crook, coz I was pretty low without em spiritual food and yearned for some of it. I wanted to hear loud and clear that God loved me. It may sound funny (it does to me) that I have to go looking for people to reassure about God’s love for me, when we claim him to be creator of the universe, but it is comforting to know that great Kings like “Sir-David-I-Killed-Goliath” had there moments when they felt distant from God and sure felt equally traumatized. The beauty of the psalms is how the great king amidst all his moaning and groaning always comes around and glorifies God’s name for saving him from the muck he has got himself in to.

The course “Genesis” made me realize that even the greatest characters were muckups, even though God chose to use them mightily. Something “Ivor Poobalan” said got deeply rooted in my mind. He pointed out how Jacob wrestled with God until he was blessed. I think he half jokingly mentioned about how we too must not let go of God just like the grabber Jacob. The story of Jacob is hilarious, when you really look closely at it. The guy seems to be portrayed as a born grabber. He was pining for this certain blessing, which was to be passed on by his father, that he goes to the extent of deceiving his father (and thereby his brother) in order to get it.

Getting back to yesterday, I got dressed and decided to go to the next available church at Colpetty (Hmmm…35Km drive) never expecting anything else than a good message to keep me pumped up for the next week. Pumped up I am ! I felt like Jacob, I really did. I have been crying out for a blessing, a special blessing from God all this while, and this feeling of having that moment come closer than ever before swept over me. The gentleman (I’d like to keep him anonymous for while) who was conducting the service was someone God has blessed abundantly in the same area. He had been lifted to greater heights in a miraculous way. Yesterday was my day of wrestling with God, I wanted to run and hide from the crowd and have a real verbal battle, but I sat there like a plum lil pudding and kept observing this special man of God.

I’m sure I looked weird, but I couldn’t help it, coz there was a raving conflict going on inside me. I remember finally speaking up to God, saying; “God, in front of me stands a man you have blessed and lifted up, I want the same blessing and I ain’t gonna leave until you bless me”. I don’t really go up to the front to get prayed for, coz I believe that God is my very own father and I don’t need a middle man to pray for me or do any muck like that, but at that moment, a still small voice gently spoke to me, urging me to make it to the front. I decided not to tell the guy why I was at the front, coz I knew God would speak to him the same, if God accepted my desire and was ready to really bless me.

All I did was go up to him and say “You know what I am here for?” and he aid yes and laid an anointing on me. He used the word ‘anointing’, which was like a confirmation that God has heard my cries and decided to let me have the same blessing. I had never been ‘filled with the holy spirit’ without shrieks and cries, but yesterday was different. I felt very radiant and filled with something joyful. I couldn’t help grinning even as I slowly steadily collapsed. I felt glorious, or even more, a feeling that no words can explain. I wonder if the gentleman who blessed me knew that he did to me, what Isaac finally did to Jacob, pass on “THE” blessing. May be someday I’d ask him.

He asked me if I was going to a church anywhere, and when I said yes, he casually said that I should come here instead. Wohoooo…so I finally belong to a church I really really like and are in par with my belief system. Liberal and right (in my eyes). What more could I ask for?

Thinking Towards Marriage / Committed Quoting

I’ve been meaning to post a few tips / structure about what a couple should be concerned about before evening “Thinking Towards Marriage”. All honour goes to ‘Rev. Ted Rubesh’ for putting together the following structure (and distributing it among the class). I’m painstakingly typing it out hoping and wishing that it would be useful to at least some of the readers in some tiny way. I believe following this structure would lessen plenty heartaches, divorces and all of em unwanted problems faced by couples in (committed) relationships. Some of em questions would definitely help the ones who are trapped in a vicious make up-break up cycle to stop for a moment and ask them what they really want from the going nowhere relationships as well as from themselves.

(A) Knowing Yourself - (Your Personal Past)

(1) Family Background

a) What was / is your relationship with your mother / father?
b) Will your parents find it difficult to “let go” of you? In what ways?
c) In what ways will you find it difficult to “leave” home and parent?
d) What aspects of your parental home life were positive for you and what were negative? (their communication with each other; their love life etc..)
e) How might these factors shape your marriage for better or worse? What might you be able to do to lessen the negative aspects?
f) What is your family’s attitude towards your partner now, and how does this affect you?

(2) Relationships

a) Other than your partner, do you have close friends, or find it easy to make friends?
b) Have you had painful experiences of being let down by those you loved and trusted? If so, how do they affect your present relationship?
c) How have you handled relationships that have been difficult or disappointing?
d) Were you ever sexually abused as a child, or have you ever engaged in physical intimacy in a past relationship? If so, does you fiancée know/do you plan to share this information? (When?)How might this history affect you relationship together in the future?
e) Do you ever struggle with “same-sex” attraction? If so, will you or have you shared this with you fiancée? How might this struggle impact your future marriage? Have you sought counsel?

(3) Abilities / Achievement / Ambitions

a) What are your feelings about your level of achievement or non-achievement?
b) Are you creative / practical / intellectual / an organizer?
c) Do you have any major ambitions in life? How might marriage affect them?
d) How important is financial security to you?

(4) Spare Time Interests

a) How do you relax? Hobbies?
b) Are you a “people person” or do you prefer seclusion (or the company of a computer or TV?)

(5) Spiritual Growth

a) How have you grown (or shrunk) spiritually this last year?
b) How would you describe you spiritual pilgrimage so far?
c) How would you describe you present relationship to the Lord?
d) In what ways would you want to change?

(6) Physical and Mental Health

a) Have you had any serious physical pr psychological illnesses or treatment? How have these affected you as a person?
b) How do you respond to stress?
c) How would you describe your temperament? (Note : While Tim LaHaye’s “temperament model”…choleric / phlegmatic / sanguine / melancholy…does not cover all the bases, it’s not a bad place to start trying to evaluate your personality type. C. his book ‘Spirit Controlled Temperament’.)
d) What do you consider as your strong points? Weak points?

(B) Knowing Each Other - (Your Present Relationship)

1) Why do I want to get married? (I’m in love stupid !!!; social acceptance or pressure; desire

for relationship; sexual fulfillment; desire to start a family etc.)

2) Where does the Lordship of Christ fit in to our relationship? Do we share similar attitudes to commitment to Christ? Service for Him? Christ-like standards? The conviction that marriage is for life? The need for the Lord’s grace continually, helping us to achieve oneness in Christ Jesus?Do we find it easy to pray / worship together?

3) What attracts me to my partner? What do I value in him/her? Am I physically attracted? Do I have a sense of respect for his/her character? Is he/she the sort of person I would like to be the parent of my children? Can I compare him/ her favourably with others – (with my father /mother / friends)? Do I feel proud to be associated with him / her?

4) What needs of mine am I expecting for him / her to meet at present? (a clue might be “When I am disappointed or hurt in our relationship?”)

5) What are the areas in which we complement one another? Are our personalities compatible in daily living? Temperamental differences and needs? Tastes / standards / interests?

6) Do we keep each other informed about our schedules and whereabouts?

7) What are two of the happiest or most precious memories about our relationship thus far?

8) In what ways do we express our love for each other? (or do you find this difficult?) Is my partner able to “decode” the way I express my affection? (Note : a very helpful book on the subject is The Five Love Languages)

9) Are there boundaries on the level of our physical involvement with each other until marriage?Are we sticking to them? Are these parameters that we both feel are important?

10) What disturbs or irritates me about him/her? Which are areas of potential conflict? (finance. in-laws, communication, sex, children…) What makes us argue? If we don’t argue…why don’t we? How do we resolve disagreements? Who gives way? Why? How does “forgiveness” operate in our relationship?

11) Are we being realistic about our suitability for one another? Are there areas we/I need to talk over with someone else?

(c) Expectations - (Looking at the Future)

What do I expect from marriage / and what do I think you expect of me from marriage?

(1) Level of relationship after marriage:

a) What level of “overlap of lives” does each of us expect our marriage to produce? (maximum overlap / minimum overlap)
b) In what ways will we give our relationship “room to breathe”?
c) How will we “service” our relationship after marriage?

(2) Roles and Responsibilities

a) What are our concepts of Biblical leadership and submission?
b) How do we see the delegation of responsibility and the process of decision-making taking shape in our marriage?
c) What are your thoughts on “working woman” vs. “house wife”?

(3) Home

a) What do each of us expect with regard to “housing” and “standard of living”? How does each of us define “neatness” and “cleanliness”?
b) What is your thinking regarding the issue of emigration?
c) How important is “hospitality” and an “open home” to each of us?
d) How important are celebrations such as Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries etc. to each of us?
e) Who is going to cook, clean, fix the leaky pipes, take out the garbage, make the beds, pay the bills, buy the groceries, feed the dog….?
f) What’s my favourite TV programme? Hat’s my spouse’s? What happens if they are both on at the same time?

(4) Sexuality

a) What are my present feelings about my future sexual relationship with my spouse? (disturbed / fearful / anxious / neutral / expectant / excited / intrigued)
b) What do I feel is God’s perspective on our married love life?
c) How will the dynamics of sexual stimulation, response and climax differ between my spouse and me?
d) How will I deal with potential sexual problems? (pre-mature ejaculation; inability to maintain erection; inability to come to achieve orgasm, frigidity etc.)
e) Will I be able to refuse sexual requests from my spouse without offending him / her? (What will I say?) And how will I handle a “turn down”
f) How do I define “fidelity” and “faithfulness” in marriage? How would I deal with any infidelity and unfaithfulness that I might discover on my spouse’s part? How will I deal with it when I find it infiltrating my own life?
g) Who is responsible for birth control? I f we are planning to postpone having children, what form of birth control do we plan on using?

(5) Children

a) Do we actually want children? (when screaming and sticky) How many?
b) Who will be responsible for bringing the kids up? (changing the nappies, helping with homework, disciplining, etc..) What are our expectations for their education?
c) Who will take on the responsibility of spiritual discipleship of the children?

(6) In –Laws & Parents

a) What are my expectations of my in-laws? What are their expectations of me?
b) What are our thoughts on living with in-laws? What does “leaving” mean to us in practical terms? What does “honouring your father and mother” mean to us in practical terms?

(7) Finance

a) What are our respective ideas on such things as joint accounts / salaries / personal allowance / budgeting etc.?
b) Do my partner or I have strong feelings. Traditions or convictions in any of the following areas : family gifts / financial goals / insurance / savings / getting into debt (e.g. mortgage) / credit cards / tithing and giving etc..
c) What are our expectations about spending money on holidays / hobbies etc.?

(8) Christian Commitment

a) What expectations do each of us bring with regard to frequency of church attendance? Where will we worship together? What level of commitment to church life will we pursue?
b) What place will prayer and time in God’s Word together have in our relationship
c) How will I balance the obligations of ministry, marriage and family? Which will receive priority?

Who’s Life am I In ?!?

Disappeared from the face of the earth? Nooooo…I’m still here. Getting rid of me ain’t that easy! Everybody is struggling to survive, to make it to the top and I am still caught up in the rat race, struggling to get away from it, but it seems a lil difficult, but not impossible. I want to blame the government for making work, business and money making this overwhelming. I don’t get what they are doing; neither do I want to figure anything out. I’m trying to ignore every act of the government and imagine that they simply don’t exist by focusing on the God I believe in, who is mightier than anyone on a worldly throne, and it seems to be working coz at least I am blessed with the strength and hope to move on, which the government keeps robbing from me.

Life is truly a battle and I am just feeling it, there is one goal after another. I wish I could hide my self, so that no sunlight wake me up every morning, coz I need some rest, rest without anyone or anything hassling me. I want to wake up and not battle life for one day, not think about pending work, not think about bills to pay and not think about 10 years from now. I envy em people who run around without a goal or passion, who live for the moment and die laughing. I wish I could have what they have, Irresponsibility!, Even though I know it ain’t the best for me. I want to not care and not have guilt prick me in the ass. Arrrgh………

You wish there was someone sharing your bed at night and putting you to sleep, coz your hands and legs are numb, very numb from all the driving and frustration of the day. Someone like a masseur would be nice (what were you thinking?) (“,). It’ 6 o’clock and all you want to do is sink deeper and deeper under the ruffled, warm sheets and hope 6 o’clock would only come in a couple of gazillion hours, coz amidst all the hope and strength, you still need to push em weak legs to run faster and faster as the day proceeds.

You use everything you can get your hands on just to keep you awake. Self help books, ice-cream and anything that tastes and smells like eucalyptus. Is this called depression?!?, No, this is called life. This is what it is like trying to fit in a month in to a mere 24 hours. You go on and on and on wanting to stop and just drop dead, but once you are shot down, you pine and whine till you are back on your lame two feet again battling life full throttle. This ain’t the life I ordered, who’s life am I in?

I suddenly see life as a dart board, whishing I was that arrow landing on it’s bulls eye, but the truth is that this arrow must taste the rest of the dartboard before conquering the perfect space in the perfect centre. Lets see where this arrow lands next !

I Deserve to Live ! (to Live in Peace that is)....

My darling cousin who is with me at Bible College finally got married yesterday. It was a simple and lovely wedding and she looked simple, natural and pretty herself. Amidst plenty of “you are nexts” and “ a lot more annoying comments, I survived, since I’ve learned the art of evading the ever so unwanted question most professionally and politely. I was pretty thrilled about the whole occasion and was thrilled about the whole idea of being clad in a Sari for the second time (the first Sari was worn three years back…ouch…wasn’t that a disaster to remember). It was draped ok by Mummy dearest, after much screams and curses and twisting and turning my limbs around until she her self was dog-tired. Arrrgh……but the problem arose when I tried walking with it, I couldn’t walk two steps without slightly raising the Sari in a manner someone would tug on to it before they faced a flood. After all that torture, I’m planning to get mummified again in a sari this Monday. Wohooo for the piece of shimmery silk !

Some ding-dong bell who couldn’t mind his own business had petitioned to the 119 (cops) that a family from the minority is supposedly residing in the once most important house in the area. The cops turned up for a friendly chat last week, since they had come before (the previous arrival could have been a result of a petition as well….who knows?). It was the first time I felt victimized and unloved by my own country fellowmen. I suddenly felt like an outcast, who was expected by society to live in fear. I can’t really explain the exact emotion I felt…..but I cried…that’s all I could do.

The cops asked us to stick to being who we are and not to hold it against anyone, and was very nice to us by giving us their personal numbers in case of emergency. I on the other hand don’t want to suspect any of the (so-called) neighbours, but I can’t help looking at a few of them with a squint eye. I am a living breathing person who deserves to live, breath and enjoy every privilege the majority of this country enjoys.

Born and bread in ‘Horana’ my Dad had learnt Singhalese and Buddhism all his life though his Dad was from an Aristocratic family in Jaffna. According to what I’ve heard (never had the opportunity of seeing the lovely old dude) my happy-go-lucky Grandpa was a man who was loved by all in the village of Horana (a lil away from Panadura). My mum on the other hand even though she completed her education in Tamil, joined the government sector as her first job (where she met my Daddikins of course) and was living amongst the majority in peace and harmony. I on the other hand carried out half my education in Singhalese [since there was no one at home who was good with the mother tongue to assist me (which is quite shameful, of course)]. We had no problem with the majority, we love them, since most of our friends, relatives and colleagues are from the majority.

Though professing Christians, we don’t let interesting session of Buddhist preaching pass us by. It is a brilliant way of life, even though I don’t agree with the beginning and the end of it and there are plenty Buddhist monks who are just fantabulous. My dad still tries to twist the Buddhist way of live in to every argument we have, which complicates the situation and finally drives me to the point of giving up.

Why I mentioned all the above is just to say, that we’ve been breathing the same air the so-called majority has been inhaling all these years. We lived in harmony. They love the iddly, thosai, sambar as well as the lasagna and the soups my Mum makes, while she pines for the aluwa and the kawum yummily prepared by her friends belonging to the majority.

NOT all Tamils are terrorists, even though it had so happened that all Terrorists are Tamils. But that doesn’t create an excuse for anyone in this country to penalize the so-called Tamils. Just as I am proud to be a Tamil, I am damn proud to be able to speak my Singhalese without an accent, unlike many who profess to be Singhalese (I guess it’s time I took some time off to learn my mother tongue as well even though it seems complicated). I am as patriotic about my country as anyone (at least I ain’t one of em who throw garbage on the streets). All of em who drive wonky on the road and cause accidents aren’t Tamils (I have never knocked anyone). All of em who scheme and kill each other aren’t Tamils (Me or my family has never taken a life of another so far).

Tamils and Singhalese as well as the rest of the community in Sri Lanka are bound to make mistakes, coz we are mere human after all. This ain’t my war, and neither do I want to contribute, speak about it or be a victim of it. I downright detest it and pray that the Government, by hook or by crook eradicate all the so-called terrorists who have only made living in Sri Lanka harder for the people born with a Tamil background (My Nationality is Sri Lankan and not Tamil…Get that ?!? ).

I have not run away from the country or thrown stones at the Government. My parents aren’t politicians but hard working individuals who have supported the Government by means of taxes. We put up with them and all their nonsense since we want our lil Paradise back just the way we had it 50 years back. It could be Mahinda, Ranil or any other Man, as long as he can do justice to the country. Living is difficult, business is discouraging, but yet we struggle and survive. Friends, family, pol sambol, wood apple, mangoes and rambutang, which other country can offer me that ?!?

This is My country and I deserve to Live here, don’t dare take away em rights from me !

--> We are no longer Greeks or Jews or Slaves or Free men or even merely men or women, but we are all the same, we are Christians; we are one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3 : 28)

God Doesn’t Need My Help !

Arrrgh !!! I just can’t keep up with life anymore! Too many assignments, too many weddings and too many things to grasp. Life is subtly happening, but I’m just too tired to participate in all of em events [as oppose to a few weeks back, where life was more than dead and buried] !

Just coming out of a horrifyingly confusing phase regarding leavening everything and settling down in UK or settling down in here. Whatever I did, I had to make my decisions fast, since the new admission/semester begins in September. Was spot on about going till last Sunday, with sponsor letters, hunting for colleges, begging em registrars for a speedy response, documents, sign ups, recommendations [Yuck] ! I felt certain I had to leave, Even though I kept committing the whole situation to the Lord on a daily basis whilst seeking His direction, since something about me leaving didn’t feel right. It was confirmed through God last Sunday at the “Four Square Church” – Nugegoda, when someone prophesied about a promise God makes to revive a business belonging to a businesswoman.

My body was soaked with perspiration and everything was at wits end. My drive to church could have jolly well ended in a nasty crash coz I kept stepping on the accelerator a lil too much than I ought to a lil too often [anything more than 80 on a crappy car like Maruti is far beyond dangerous], but the prophesy brought about a sense of peace & fulfillment. It wasn’t the same insanely confused girl who was driving back home. I should have trusted God a lil bit more than trying to help him sort my issues. When he promises to restore something he does it in his own time, which is the best time.

However wonky these situations are gonna make me feel, I’m beginning to like em since it is the only way God is gonna get me to grasp lil secrets of his Kingdom. When I was reflecting on the situation that had just passed me by I came across a story from the past where “Sir-Father-of-All-Nations” too went through a similar ‘battle-of-the-paths’ phase.

God promised Abraham a son of his own, but it was a lil difficult for both him and his wife Sarah to believe this miracle which was supposed to take place since he was nearly 100 and she 90. Sarah, in order to help the Lord fulfill his task, offered her maid Hagar for Abraham to slumber with. [What a disaster it caused, a disaster which carries it’s traits even into modern times]. But, clearly, that was not what God intended for Abraham, God promised a son for Sarah [a legitimate son, born within wedlock] who would covenant with God.

Crazy as it may sound, all the jumping around and getting dizzy I did was an utter waste. I should have waited till the mighty hands did the job instead of getting depressed and confused. I should have remembered God’s promise about the business. [Silly Me] !

So here I am calm and cool again, in absolute peace with myself, with the supposed patriotic feeling painted right across my heart[not forgetting my face]. This is His situation, not mine, even though it logically is folly to silently wait upon God, that’s all I am gonna do, coz I know that the next move I make without his consent is gonna Holler back DISASTER !

Following God’s word is like playing a game of checkers. It’s the right move or the wrong. One can make the right move according to God’s will and prosper (within his will) or make the wrong move and go around in circles or be wiped out by the enemy.

Adieu to His-Supposed-Supremeness. My Loss ! (Who Knows) ?!?

I am yet pretty much a Con Artist for my own Good. A con artist who deceives others NOT, but her own poor self.