Obscure Thoughts on Fascination

This year seems to be slipping through my fingers way too fast and I’m still left with a lot more to accomplish than I already have. I have moved completely away from competition and stopped living for others, and life finally feels like a journey on my own personal highway than a race, but yet, I feel inclined to run a little faster than I really ought to, an urge I should learn to curb.

I wish I could type out my emotions whilst behind the wheel, coz that’s the peak of plenty obscure images, visions and thoughts that zap across my mind, thoughts from the very bottom of my heart, weird opinions about theology, psychology, poetry…etc….I even caught myself weeping uncontrollably (thankfully behind my shades), for so many freaking reasons by no means bother me even indirectly in real life.

All Human beings are fascinating creatures. Been wondering, if fascination is the beginning of love, then does that mean that once commited or in love one should resist fascination, since fascination usually leads to obsession (cannot-do-without-feeling). It may be stupid to think in these lines, but this is the truth. Yes, as usual something triggered it. He picked up the guitar and played “D el Mariachi by Los Lobos” for me. I’ve seen him a coupla of times, heard him play before, but never bothered to notice anything beyond his capabilities of fulfilling his job. Unconsciously I was clearly fascinated. Seated in fronta him playing away, I just couldn’t help noticing the gleaming, smiling face, the friendliness and his inquisitiveness to know who I am and what I am. He spoke a language I understood, but couldn’t express myself with, and I spoke the same. The moment kept repeating in my head long after I had left his sight. Of course there was nothing beyond fascination, but fascination itself in its purest form is a warm and lovely feeling, that I fear to experience anything beyond it.

The two subjects I’m taking this semester are teaching me plenty new ways to look at the divine creation of the male and female in an entirely new perspective. I think I’m finally comfortable with the fact of being submissive to a man after comprehending why being submissive in today’s fallen world has become unpleasant.

Are men actually losing their place in the society these days? Yes, they actually are and it irritates me to know that there just ain’t no explanation or solution to it. According to the original plan God made man, to dominate, and woman as his “other half” (notice that I have not stated anything in the line of ‘better half’ or ‘insignificant aid’), only to be submissive to the man. It is also clearly stated that both man as well as woman, equally represent the image of God in terms of his characteristics. If the man & woman were made to “SERVE’ the rest of the creation, love each other and SERVE & DEPEND on each other whilst the man naturally is ordered to take the lead (whilst taking the woman’s opinions in to consideration) where have we gone wrong today?

In today’s fallen world it’s either “His Lameness” who gets pushed around first by his mummy dearest and then his wifey pifey, a man who simply cannot make up his mind and take a decision on his own or “The Ultra Macho Male Chauvinist” who forcefully, brutally dominates anything and everything that crosses his path. The in-betweens who strike a balance between the two are quite a rare case. The two categories of women are either “Madam Dominaty” who attempts to dominate the entire universe or “The Lil Slave Girl” who stays victims and get harassed by the rest of the creation. Something is definitely radically outa place. The only unsatisfying explanation I can come up right now is that this too is a consequence of our fallen state :~

Last week Ted was lecturing about the absolute differences between male and female and how each of the species must learn to celebrate the uniqueness. Why has the world all the while been attempting to segregate and detach the two species from each other? Is this fallen state actually a state of confusion? Is it all man made? Looking deep in to every burning issue taking place around us, it is definitely not impossible for man to resolve it himself. This is just another one-tracked way to look at everything that has gone wrong in today's world. Wouldn’t most of our problems be solved if men and women learnt to respect each other? Wouldn’t men not go to war, if they only thought twice about how a woman would feel in the midst of turbulence? It hurts to see the man who was made to protect, now destroying all that there is. There probably would be no rape, incest, infidelity and everything nasty in that department, if only mankind knew the purpose they were made for.

We are made for him, for each other, one man for a woman (no man for man or vice versa) (“,)

Bought two books, whilst getting the other one free (yippy) to read up more on the stated issue.

Me? Obey? Him? – by Elizabeth Rice Hanford
Love Must Be Tough – by Dr. James Dobson
Who You Are When No One Is Looking – by Bill Hybels

Ma Sexy Likkle Strumming Bird

Finally got myself an acoustic guitar. I just couldn’t wait any more, too much of emotions were building up without an outlet to flush em, the work out’s and the rest of the activities were just not enough to keep me sane I guess. It’s been a tough couple of days with the house still under renovation, lectures, friends & family all keeping me ultra occupied.

Things that usually grab me unaware and leave me annoyed and tangled up have failed to do so these days. Either I’ve been too busy and exhausted that I didn’t have enough energy to notice them or my soul has grown cold and immune to the cruelty and unpleasantness around me, I don’t think I want to find out which one it is. The only incident I remember that drove me up the barbwire fence was a certain lady asking me if I was still schooling? Left school? Or whether I was looking for a job? PLEASE….I’m old enough to have 5 kids…grrrrrrrr…I’d give anything to look grown up, and may be I need a few lessons on how to act grown up as well.

The second semester just started at Bible College and am only taking two subjects this time around. I actually intended taking only one, which was “Genesis”, lectured by “Ivor Poobalan”, but then I see “Issues of Sexuality & Marriage”, by “Ted Rubesh”. How can I ever miss a subject like that, after all each subject is repeated only ones in 2 years. I guess it’s about the biblical view about the whole scenario, which I sure want to clarify.

I do miss loafing the roads of Colombo and the easy access I had (atleast during the weekends) from Wattala. It does get a little lonely sometimes, and the telephone doesn’t really seem to work miracles. So instead of adopting a man, I decided to adopt a slithery & sexy guitar, bright, red and shiny. Wohoooo !!! I’m exhausted by figuring out the chords and trying to break the strings, but happy that I finally got to touching and feeling a strumming bird of my own. It’s definitely gonna take awhile to be playing like a mediocre, let alone a pro and surely gonna take a heap of practicing, time and energy, but I’m gonna love every second of it. I simply can’t seem to keep it down, unlike the Piano that got me utterly disgusted. Ruban gave me the first few lessons on the strings over the phone of course and Chamath gave me the rest, again over the phone. Apparently the guitar is supposed to be terribly out of tune, no wonder everything I play sounds crooked. The piece of wood is just lovely and the strings, HEAVENLY!

First day at Panadura

It’s 5 in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep since 3 a.m, whether it is due to the gripping fear of some creature trying to strangle me dead or due to the sheer excitement this place had offered me, I’m yet to figure out. I wasn’t speaking of em imaginary creatures and monsters who hide inside closets, but real living breathing, fluttery, gooey, icky, soggy, long legged, colourfully ugly creatures.

Started with a ‘pol kuruminiya’ (that’s what my uncle called it) inside my blouse in the morning and ended with a scary looking grasshopper sitting right on top of my bed-sheet and glaring down at me, a if I was some sorta God sent yummy dish for him to devour on. Did I forget to mention about the big fat ‘thalagoya’ in the garden?

It is 5.50 a.m and it suddenly got bright outside, I’m opening the window even as I am typing this and all I see is green, all I hear is the chirping of em feathered ones (they actually start chirping as early as 4 a.m) and feel a lovely cool breeze attempting to break in to my room. The rest of the household is fast asleep and even thought there lingers a sense of loneliness somewhere in my soul it’s overtaken by a strong essence of peace I have never felt before.

Boxes and boxes of things are yet to be unpacked and everything is waiting to be placed in order, the painting and polishing is half done, but the world looks beautiful amidst all of this. The war is going on in Sri Lanka for a reason I don’t understand, me being an individual from the minority, was warned about wanting to settle down in Panadura, due to the fact it being surrounded by the majority, but I adore all these people and they love us back without a doubt. I really do love these people here. Warm hearts, open doors and smiling faces, what more can I ask for? Amidst all that is going on in the country, the world still looks beautiful to me. Em ugly blotches ruining the beautiful creation no longer annoy me.

The guy who has undertaken the painting, as well as his crew are believers who start the day with a hymn and prayer. Lovely ! A carpenter lives right opposite my premises. A vehicle mechanic is a buzz away, a superb welder lives a few houses away, an electrician a lane away and things are much cheaper here (a broom is Rs. 50/- here while it’s a freaking Rs.85/- in Colombo). I’m yet to figure out the rest of em humble luxuries waiting for me.

I saw a mummy monkey with a baby monkey in the garden today. (Yippy, I finally saw a monkey) ! But on the sad note, Johnny is lost, he has gone on a lil exploring trip and I only hope he’ll find his way back. Silly Dog !