Rebellious by Nature

It feels like I’ve been spending too much time trying to hide and trying to operate undercover, that the very thought of taking any sort of lead in public freaks me out. The slightest bit of attention thrown my way, cripples me, paralyses me and eventually kills me…….heheheheh

[I’m just messing] !

Confession – I’m missing Colombo as well as the fast paced life a lil too much that it’s beginning to mess a tad lil bit with my mental well being.

Disappointment – The movie “The Da Vinci Code” was a bore. If I hadn’t read the book, It would have been quite a mess to watch. A all time failure !

Lil Mercies – This lil town needs me (or so I’d like to think)…yeah…they need me and most of all they need God !

A Dash of Happiness - I gave a lift to a stranger for the first time yesterday to a mum and her two lil kids (me think they live way down my lane). I could have stored the car and done a lil hula dance after dropping them, but I pumped up the volume of the car stereo and got the glasses shattering with my croaks instead.

Enlightenment – Finished the course “Introducing Isaiah” with Pastor Mike Reith yesterday. It was an open Bible exam, but I think I conked it up big time, but while flipping through the book of Isaiah for answers, a lil passage spoke to me, and spoke to me Good.

--> If you keep the Sabbath’s holy, not having you own fun and business on that day, but enjoying the Sabbath and speaking of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day, and honouring the Lord in what you do, not following your own desires and pleasures, nor talking idly – then the Lord will be your delight, and I will see to it that you ride high, and get your full share of blessings I promised to Jacob, you father. The Lord has spoken ! (Isaiah 58 : 13 – 14)

Of course I knew this passage, but because of the resentment I had towards the Church loaded with man made rituals and rules, I guess I was happier going against the tide and taking the commandment lightly substituting it with a verse from the New Testament. Rebelliously clutching on to this verse from the New Testament I chose to go dancing on Sunday instead, just to prove a point to em holier than thou so-called Christians who keep only their Sabbath days holy.

--> So don’t let anyone criticize you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating Jewish holidays and feast or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these were only temporary rules that ended when Christ came. They were only Shadows of the real thing – of Christ himself. (Colossians 2 : 16-17)

The problem here wasn’t the fact that I was evading the Sabbaths (rightfully, Sabbath is the 7th day of the week, whish is Saturday of course), but the reason I was doing so. The real problem was my rebellious heart, my “no one rules me” attitude. It also made me realize the resentment I had towards the Church and that it was time to let go of all of it. It was time I stopped running away from Christian fellowship, it was time I stopped judging them by what they say and do (as oppose to what they believe) and realize “To Err is Human”.

The Perfect Him

It’s 5 a.m Sunday Morning and I haven’t had proper sleep for the past two weeks. Of course this is God’s humble way of telling me “Judy Poody, you got a lil issue I need you to fix”. And here I am wide-awake and trying to figure out the best possible way to mend the bend.

With me are yet another few books that are life altering.

-> PsychoBabble – By Richard Ganz
-> The Lies We Believe – By Dr. Chris Thurman

The latter is a perfect book for perfectionists and people with serious flaws like myself (“,)

It all boiled down to this :-

It all felt like a fairy tale until now, when something had to be done. I can’t hide away from my wayward feelings and neither can I run away from the prevailing situation. He’s known me for a good four years and has claimed to have set his eyes on me ever since. (Hmmm…..I’ve heard that before, but fortunately or unfortunately his statement is quite genuine). I remember him first walking in to my previous place of employment, and yes, he looked the type of guy I’d fancy, but no way would I even dare look his way. He sounded perfect in all his ways, and I vaguely remember the whole office speaking of him. He was soon forgotten when I walked out of my place of employment looking for greater challenges.

It all started when I met him again after a couple of months at a function I attended back at my previous office, when his feelings were revived and numbers were exchanged through third parties and the usual bla bla…….. I guess I couldn’t care less back then coz I was just out of my very first & horrible relationship and to get away from all the attention I was getting from him I did something mean and stupid, by inviting him to a church get together and ignoring him. I guess it annoyed me to figure out that it wasn’t going to be a “One Man” situation anymore, Mr. Spikes had broken the so-called policy I cherished for 18 years (which was part my fault), and here I was considering this unknown stranger I vaguely admired. After much explanation and apologies, we remained friends. I don’t think he knows what really hit him back then even as at today.

[A piece of advice – Women at 18 are volatile, so are men. Never let relationships get you when this young. The world is moving faster and everything happens premature and instant and we all make the mistake of going with the flow and getting trapped in painful situations that could have been avoided otherwise.]

Two years went by and I transformed from a rebel to a somewhat civilized, reformed individual, who actually looked at life with binoculars extending across a span of a couple of years as oppose to when I was living on the edge and grasping each moment as it passed me by. I remember him walking in to my office one evening and we spoke about life and how he was hurting over a broken relationship. Slowly but steady it evolved in to a so-called relationship, where the parents knew and all that jazz, which lasted a mere two weeks ( a part my fault or may be even entirely).

He is one of those guys every woman yearns their man to be. He’d be your best friend, guru and everything you want him to be. He was more like the guy who wants to grow with you, know you inside out, figure out how ugly you are inside and yet choose to be there for you. It was amazing to watch him pursue his career, pursue his education whilst humbly accepting his failures in the past. Guys like em rarely come by. So what went wrong you may ask?

I freaked out ! I couldn’t handle PERFECTIONISM ! It all seemed too good to be true ! He, in my eyes was too neat, too organized, too rigid, too orderly, too demanding and just TOO PERFECT ! So much for harping about waiting for that perfect man huh?

After almost a year of silence, we are back in talking terms and trying to reconcile, but the fear hasn’t left me yet. And the good amount of reading on gaining insights about yourself as well as the others is just not letting me escape the past and the fact that I better face my fears now than never.

It’s funny how our brain works…really. I remember unconsciously mentioning how I always wear an image of a chaotically messed up individual on the outside, while really being calm and in control on the inside. That itself is an unconscious behaviour which I haven’t figured out reasons for doing so and here is a guy who is striving to be a perfectionist just like me and is brave enough not to camouflage it with make believe images and I’m freaking out at the very thought of it. [Sigh]

All I can do right now is to wait upon the Lord for direction since Mr. Perfect is a non-believer and I am still clearly in a freaked out state of mind and am by no means in a hurry. It could jolly well take, days, weeks, months or even years. I remember grappling with this issue of mixed marriages since I was a brat. How come we Christians claim to love & treat everyone equally when we outcast the non-believers when it comes to intimate relationships and marriage. After all Christians too are prone to temptation, sin and faltering just like the rest of them. I’ve finally come to terms with [2 Corinthians 6:14-18] . In reality (in terms of the modern world), it surely means more than merely uniting with another Christian, it involves goals, ambitions, work ethics, lifestyles etc.

--> It is more logical for man and woman in a marriage union to be accountable to one master who is God himself, but in the case of a mixed-marriage union both will not have God as their focus, where one will think from a Christian point of view, whilst the other from a mere world view. The different opinions in most cases eventually clash at some point.

--> Sharing a mere five or ten year goal ain’t enough, but a goal towards eternity [1 Corinthians 9 : 24 – 27] .

Of Evolution, Creation & Plain Dippy Me !

With all hopes of watching the Da Vinci Code flushed down the toilet, I’m wearing an ugly scowl on my face for a reason I simply cannot fathom. I read a Christian site harping about why one shouldn’t go watch the movie with motives of enjoying it. Huh ? So….that makes me less holier than thou, is it ?!? A traitor ?!? Who am I to defend God, the creator of all mankind? It’s a different story for Christian Apologetics to publish books, articles or use whatever mode to help the readers of the book and the viewers of the movie to figure out what is truth and what is fiction, but another to force them how to feel about the entire story.

I hate doing my accounts just as much as I hate my greens (even more so may be…hmmm). Even though her lazy ass has been procrastinating doing the final accounts for quite some time, now the time has come for it to be done with (to avoid unwanted trouble). And Halleluiah ! I’m almost coming to the end of it and would finally be able to enjoy a good night’s sleep..

[Why Me Lord] ?!?

Things are finally settling in and taking a slow pace, a slower pace than I’d actually like it to be. (Typical Human !! When its sunny they yearn for rain and vice versa). The fewer posts is not due to a all day-everyday-ultra-hectic schedule, but simply coz it’s a slow and painful process to post with a dialup connection. I don’t even check my mail on outlook now, keeping it all web based seems quicker and easier (but then again, that too seem to take a gazillion years).

There are more things robbing my sleep at night than just plain insomnia, a person I owe an explanation to, the schizophrenic lil girl who has gotten worse. I should have paid more attention, I should have kept at it, but I gave up too easily. My ignorance and unwillingness to get my hands dirty has turned around and stabbed me guilty! I’m back on my mission and this time without looking back.

As usual got in to several arguments about creation (which fortunately didn’t turn bitter) with Daddy and a dear Uncle who is a family friend.

Evolution?!? Nonsense !!!

My partially skeptic father was trying to blend in evolution and creation. According to him, God created man through ‘evolution’ (what on earth has so called evolution got to do with creation? There ain’t no beginning, and there ain’t no end).

As for the Uncle, his biggest issue was scientists finding fossils of living beings which are millions of years old and according to his learned self, the world is way older than it was supposed to be created by God. Oh ! Did I forget to mention that he himself is a Scientist ! Them and their gone wrong measurement sticks. They have no proof that the ice age existed before creation. There is a huge possibility (a definite possibility) for the ice age to have started after the ‘Great Flood’. I’m yet to explain this to him, which would give birth to another heated up argument. I’d be doing great injustice if I didn’t mention the following about him and his family. They may be non-believers, but lovely human beings I adore, way better than some of the believers I know.

I’ve definitely been put to the test these few weeks. Even though I am spiritually topped up, I can feel my emotional and physical well being tanks evaporating. If I didn’t know how to top my self up spiritually, I would be an empty vessel by now. Oh ! sure God is a IOC gas station which pumps fuel for free, but only if we stop by and ask for it. I was too ashamed to ask, too self sufficient to need his providence. I forgot his loving touch, his mercies and countless blessings; I got back in to my lil nutshell of living a self-centered life.

He called to tell me that his family was rejecting him for being a believer. Why? God Why? Open em eyes that are blinded make them see you, reveal your self to them. I remember him being a pillar of strength when I was yet a baby believer and felt stripped down and naked when I took a leap of faith to believe in the unknown and unseen. His faith amazed me, even when I was a professing Satanist tearing down every believer along with myself. His love for the Lord was greater than his love for anything, and it was clearly embedded in everything he did. I’m blessed to be able to profess my faith freely, but he will be twice as blessed for holding on amidst persecution.

--> “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13 5-6)

--> When you go an extra mile than you ought to, you find yourself out in deep water with Christ. Realizing that the ground is not solid beneath your feet, you cling to him. You feel his support in ways you would normally never notice. Most people would never leave the harbours of love. They are afraid to venture out on the high seas of radical, non-retaliatory, second-mile love. But that’s where the action is. That’s where God’s presence manifests itself in a far greater way than shore-bound people could ever imagine. That is where people are startled to take a closer look at Jesus Christ.
(Who are you when no one’s looking – by Bill Hybels) - Edited