It’s the second night in the new apartment and it will take a while to get settled and cozy. I was amazed and taken back by the strength I had when shifting the entire room, everything that had helped me live comfortable for the past three years. Two refrigerators, truck load of clothes, books, boxes all transported with a single flat trolley and a regular shopping cart all with nothing but my bare naked hands. It reminded me as to why I didn’t need a man (at least for the time being) , it is obvious that no man I had met until today now could ever match up to the kind of living on the edge lifestyle I am cut out to live and am living. It keeps me ticking, on my toes and more than anything it is fun.
His entire being just catches me off guard simply coz he looks like HIM. That face, that look, that oozing ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’, that refined, mature & humble nature, the full suit with the duffel bag.......I think I like the idea of watching, admiring, criticizing or whatever than to really get involved in the entire situation, let alone desire any involvement.
I wish ‘Mr. Have-It-All-Together’ made me feel the same way. I think I still have feelings for him, but as for getting stuck with him for the rest of my life…NO-CHANCE –IN-HELL !!!! He is amazing in a lot of ways, may be every woman’s dream, but just not mine. I waited long, ditched plenty, not to settle for second best. A part of me wanted to say ‘Yes, let’s work things out’, but a louder voice kept saying….’He ain’t the one, don’t waste your time, let it go and let it go for good’ and that’s exactly what I did.
I managed to add a few more pages on to the book this afternoon. This course I’m taking seems to be diverting my very being and it is sad. I have deliberately stopped myself from feeling, from really listening or speaking. It is true that the best experiences in life take place when you let yourself feel, go with the flow and don’t really care whether or not you’re making a fool of yourself. Then, at one point, you stop being yourself, you become rigid, you become what the world wants you to be, you stop thinking for yourself, you stop wanting for yourself.
That’s the fucking problem…..I can’t let myself go, not right now, I need to finish what I came here for, but it is taking me a little more time than intended, coz instead of falling in love with oil money, perks, benefits and scrounging stupid entities based on sinking sandy patches, I have fallen in love with a job, a fucking job, not even a man, but a fucking job!
I wonder if he means everything he says. I wonder what he really wants out of life. I wonder from where all those catty comments come from. I wonder if he really cares and respects people genuinely. I wonder if he ever looks further than just a couple of days & months, I wonder if what other people say is right. Would he really make it? Hasn’t he already made it? I want to sit and wonder plenty things about him, but it doesn’t seem to matter when I see a smile perking out of that otherwise stern face. I’ve heard the worst, I seen the worst, but it doesn’t matter. I just wanna dish out what I couldn’t for myself and then fucking run and hide.
I wish and wish I could sit in a dark corner and enjoy the world than be in it. It is a funny funny circus and people are a bunch of clowns. It would help if they knew which hoop they are expected to conquer next. It must be entertaining for the mean-streaked-idiot upstairs to watch everyone mess things up. May be the books got it all wrong afterall….may be, just may be, the devil actually won the world over and is up there ruling the world. May be the devil is actually a woman !
