Adieu My Childhood Hometown

Shifted off from Wattala to Panadura (FOR GOOD) on Saturday (29th). It was almost close to midnight when we got our bums down here after bidding em old neigbours good-bye. Aunty ‘T’ hugged me and cried, which came as quite a shock. She happens to be the lady to whom I give a lift every morning (for the past 1 ½ years). She is a tough ‘recovery officer’ at a leading bank and has ample exciting stories to entertain us. Sometimes, it’s a story that continues for a coupla days, of wonky clients and bureaucratic, lethargic colleagues. I was quite moved by her reaction, I never expected to mean so much to someone.

‘L’ came along and was spending the last few minutes chatting away, but it meant nothing to me now. No…’L’ ain’t a guy (grin), she’s just my childhood best friend and immediate neighbour. I guess we’ve lost touch in the midst of getting lost in the rat race. It was no use speaking about the good times we had, the games we played till midnight, the years we had lost and how fast we’ve all grown up. True, ‘Kattiyawatta’ was where I grew up, but somewhere down the line, I had lost the warmth I felt for the place (or may be I never felt any warmth at all, due to all the horrible memories the place carries). Em neighbours are nice & thoughtful, really…they loaded us with food and drinks before we set out, they have been there for us for the past 19 years, but there is something missing. Something I expect ain’t there and I don’t know what it is for sure (so let me withhold my judgment).

Zebu died Friday night and even though it would be wrong to reason out why the healthy dog just faded away, I believe he was sent to us for a reason beyond our comprehension. So it was only Johnny for the car ride, this being his first time, he was going bananas. A few minutes on daddy’s lap, and then a trip to the backseat to be on mummy’s lap and then back to the front again, an attempted leap outa the windscreen and an attempted leap outa the shutter. He was nothing short of a mess; he would suddenly creep through dad’s lanky feet and start licking my legs, which were busy driving (which was quite a dangerous, pleasant surprise).

The ‘Panadura – Horana’ road ain’t the rosiest path, but the drive was all worth it. The house looked gorgeous at night (Yeah, this is the first time I’ve laid eyes on it at night). All I had the strength to do was, eat and sleep, of course with my dirty clothes.

I’m loving the weather, controlled by all the trees surrounding this area. The nights aren’t too hot and fan is just an option. The afternoons are warm these days, but pleasantly warm, not to a boiling point.

Overall, I’m thrilled to glory with this place (even though it ain’t blessed with ADSL) and all thanks and praises be to God ! What would I be without HIM ?!?

The following was the devotion for the day in the ODB yesterday.

à I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me out of a horrible pit (Psalms 40 : 1-2)

From sinking sad He lifted me,
With tender hands He lifted me,
From shades of night to plains of light,
O praise His name, He lifted me !

A Taste of Death

Heat Exhaustion has gripped me again. It’s a miracle that I’m up and pumping this morning, for last night was surely a taste of my last few minutes on earth. My breathing pipes were acting wonky and I was clearly short of breath. I could feel my body getting overheated from the inside and my head turning a good 360 degrees ones every few seconds. I so don’t want to see the day we might have to carry oxygen masks along with every trip we make to Colombo.

Panadura is glorious by far. Fruits, trees, birds and squirrels scampering up and down and yes, monkeys as well. Apparently there are monkeys who come to devour em fruits, but I’m yet to catch a glimpse of them. Heavenly! It’s the drive to Colombo and back that get’s me, but I’m sure God has a solution at the tip of his fingers for that as well.

Speaking of God, my entire family has been seeing God’s hand at work more than just a couple of times this month. He started with the sale of the house before the contract got breached and before we looked to alternatives. As usual, He was right on TIME.

The next massive miracle happened last Saturday on our way back from Panadura, down Torrington, while heading to drop aunty Pansy. A plush, cute convertible (and odd navy blue in colour) which was clearly out of control (should have been doing 100+ for sure) was heading straight towards me from the opposite direction. I swerved it to the far left, but it was of no use, but in that split second the car missed me and with a loud clank of metal, stalled right in the middle of the road. I wasn’t in the right mind to get down and scream at the dude, but I think he was quite young (if I remember right, there was a female in the passenger seat), I wasn’t sane enough to jot down the number, or check out the brand of the car. I went on my way, while he pulled to a lane close by. But if someone knows the owner of such car, I’d like to have a chat with him. I’d like to know what happened, I’d like to know why the car stalled, coz I know that it wasn’t the guy who was responsible for the narrow escape. Something unexplainable happened.

The third biggy happened last night. Mummy had left some beef to be roasted on the fire and apparently the whole house had fallen asleep. For some odd reason, my cupboard door creaked open and I woke up to the sound of it. It was freaky to see the door open at first, but what caught my attention was the roasting/burning smell of some sort of meat. Boy ! wasn’t I correct, the chunk of meat would have caused a disaster (to remember) if gone unnoticed, He had woken me up not too early and not too late.

What would I do without Him? All I do is sit and commit my day to him every morning and the day is HIS. The distance sometimes hurts that I wish I could see Him face to face and tell him how grateful I am for all that He is.

I’m still waiting for the next piece of the puzzle to be handed down to me, coz I have quite certainly come to a dual fork in my life. He is taking his time, but as usual I know that He’d be on time and meanwhile I’m doing a better job at keeping my heart still that in previous occasions. Practice has made me better, if not perfect.

--> Lord, How I love you! For you have done such tremendous things for me. The Lord is my Fort where I can enter and be safe; no one can follow me in and slay me. He is a rugged mountain where I hide; he is my Saviour, a rock where none can reach me, and a tower of safety. He is my shield. He is like the strong horn of a mighty fighting bull. All I need to do is cry to him “Oh, praise the Lord” and I am saved from all my enemies! (Psalms 18 : 1-3)

Hypothetical Femininity

Went for an interview today at a leading college as a ‘student counselor’. The atmosphere looked tolerable as well as flexible and I don’t mind the job. I think it’s the best thing to do till the next semester starts in September. The biz will take off a smooth sailing from the beginning of next month and I would be left with too much time in my hands and as the saying goes ‘an idle mind could just be the devil’s workshop. I’m impatiently waiting till God’s plan falls in to place. Let’s see where this is all leading !

Shopped with Mummy in order to make some last minute visits before we leave this area for good. I was admiring the way Mums was shopping like a typical woman. Check out something, twist it, turn it, compare the price, the quality, the material, getting my opinion (blab ….blab) at the same time I saw plenty girls shopping to glory with their cute lil manipulated boyfriends in the very similar manner. I can’t figure out whether I am saddened or amused by the fact that I could never do something feminine like that and on my drive back home I couldn’t help replaying every single incident that happened around me during the shopping experience. I couldn’t help trying to comprehend whether the problem was I, the people outside or whether I should just be blaming it all on diversity of interests and the uniqueness of God’s creation…hmmm ?!?

I rarely shop for clothes in Sri Lanka; neither do I shop anywhere else. Even if I do, it’d be once in a blue moon (last time it was after 2 freaking years). Of course it’s different with food, silver spanking jewelry, movies and books and yes, I can tolerate shoes to a certain extent as well. Either I get stuff from people here, or wait till my dear aunty darling decides to get her butt down to SL with my cousin’s clothes, which look nearly new, though old. It’s crazy, but em clothes just cannot be compared to the rubbish that’s on display in the local stores. The pity is that all of em highly durable and branded clothing are the sweat, blood and tears of our dear Sri Lankans.

[Deprived We Are] !

I remember walking in to the store and getting all geed up by the battery operated / radio controlled cars and receiving blistering barnacles from Mums. Then I took a walk around to check out if there was anything that caught my eye. I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew exactly what my taste was and since nothing existed to that note, it was the end of the road for me [done with, lost interest & bored]. Instead, I got observing em young women, and may be even envying em to a certain extent. They looked so elegant compared to me slinging my bag of goodies on me shoulder and trotting back and forth the store.

I’ve always enjoyed being a girl and doing girly things like hanging on the phone, paining my nails and shopping for hours, but em habits just faded away with time, I don’t engage in either anymore. I’m still very much a girl, I love to mess around in the kitchen, design my own clothes, pottery, interior designing and a little bit of sewing, but just cannot get on with the rest of the women I encounter (It could be vice versa). Make up, prim & properness and the flirty feminine shrills are intolerable.

[Pathetic Whiner I Am ] !

I guess I even tried to wear an imaginary mask sometime back, just to fit in with this particular group of women, but guess it didn’t work for me. Just as much as I desire to have a like-minded girly buddy, guess I’ll forever be deprived of my wish by the looks of it. Running a reality check most guys are no better, they are either puny & metro sexual or male chauvinists.

[Women] !

Just as much as I am more than happy with the tomboy I am, there are times I wonder whether it is the supposed feminine grace I lack or just some sorta emotional maturity that I have attained at an early stage.

On an ending note, the blog suddenly feels like a very unsafe place to jot down thoughts. My worst fears seem to have some true (shudder….shudder) it could be that he has access to the blog.

When You Don’t Stand for Anything, You Fall for Anything

It’s still very early in the morning and I should be at my devotions intead of rut-trutting on the keyboard, but feelings have to be typed out and preserved before the mood changes and I don’t sound like what I write.

I dropped in at Karin Ramachandra’s beautiful residence yesterday to collect the books I had given her as well as to get an opinion about them and amazing I had the honour of meeting Dr. Vinoth Ramachandra. I’m half way through his book and am left quite impressed and respect both of these individuals just as much as I do my Mentor. My knees were clearly wobbling jellybeans and my self-confidence quite ripped down while I was in their presence. I was thrilled to hear what Karin had to say and a gazillion more times thrilled to have met Dr. Vinoth. She makes it sound so easy to absorb the world, people and all the nonsense we keep banning “BAD”.

One can decide to either plan his life or not plan at all and go with the flow. Planning involves building ones own worldview to stand upon, in order to stand strong and solid without wavering. I remember Jaci saying this yesterday… makes sense huh?

“When you don’t stand for anything, you fall for anything”

Building this so called worldview isn’t an easy thing and I’m still in the process of unlearning quite a lot of my old thinking whilst absorbing the new. Even though some of my Mentor’s Brown’s and Greenwald’s explanations are very true, some don’t really bring about the freedom I am looking for. There is a certain amount of rigidity involved, which isolates the individual from his own community. I want to strike a balance instead and see the world in a different way. I want to keep remembering that this world was made for me to enjoy and devour and stop feeling like a victim. I want to stop seeing others as victims I need to make a pounce on and redeem before the system abducts them. There again, I guess I’m yet struggling to break the system (would I ever be happy without rebelling).

Got a long day ahead and a wonky car to be serviced. My mind is already not appreciating the fell of the cold garage I’d have to put up with for a good 4 hours.

Empty

I was initially planning on blogging about the Paganism of Easter, but then decided not. All controversially religious topics shall be posted at http://worldviewofgobblezy.wordpress.com from now on.

I’ll be back to driving my folks around from tomorrow. Arrghh!. How I hate driving. The holidays just flew with all the packing and organizing involved, but wasn’t too impressed with my productivity. I dread to think about all the running around I’d have to do from the 21st whilst renovating the house and shifting and I’d only be able to survive through it with an extra dose of Grace granted by my Master. What would I be without him?

Everybody keeps asking about as to how I’m going to maintain my social life after shifting off to the village? Yes, it is going to be messy for a while, but I believe short term sacrifices need to be made in order to achieve lucrative long-term goals. It never struck me till a friend invited me for a concert, which falls on a date after I shift. My first thought was “Ouch! What have I got my self in to”, forgetting the fact that this was God’s leading all along. He brought me to it and he will bring me through it. I’m just half way through the plan he unveiled an year back and I’m impatiently waiting till the next few pieces of the puzzle are placed NEATLY in my hands.

Now that the end of my stay at Wattala is drawing neigh, I’m swept by a sense of emptiness and insecurity, not because I’m unsure of Gods plans in my life, but to leave the comfort zone, the place I had grown up all my life. I’d be dropping in at the YA meeting tomorrow for the last time to say adieu to Jacintha, Jennifer & Uncle Brie (Me think that’s his name, at least it sounds like it) and it's sure gonna break my heart. I’m already wishing I spent more time with them. I don’t want to be regretting and wishing all my life, so may be this change is much needed for the business as well as for Judy Girl.

I found my self frantically downloading all the tracks I could think of, coz apparently Panadura doesn’t have ADSL as yet. (I’m almost in tears).

As for the dogs, we decided to keep “Choo Choo Boo” for good and of course change that kinky name of hers. After hours of trying to decide on a name that sounds decent and easy to pronounce whilst sounding similar to her old name we settled for “Zebu”(French), which means humped ox of Asia & Africa. For some hilarious reason the name seems to suit her quite well.

It has been quite a whiney & empty week; hope the sun shines brighter than ever tomorrow to make me smile.

But I woke up in the morning, sexy, yawning
Feel like it's gonna be a good day
No war on the street, no way, today
Everybody kick back like a holiday, aight.
You shine, I shine and
The whole world looking like a gold mine
You get yours and I'll get mine
And we'll help each other make it through the bad times
(Rebel Music – by Wyclef Jean)

Of Lil Things That Fill My Soul

I’ve finally got a well-deserved break from driving for the next four days, till Monday. Yesterday was just crazy with the scorching sun, funerals & coffee meet ups.

Met Mano Emmanuel, who is my lecturer at CTS, for the last time before she made her way to UK for a coupla months. I’m glad I was able to make it coz I don’t know if I would be here when she returns. I don’t think I took more than 4 classes under her (4 days to be precise), but the impact she had on me when I was yet a crawling Christian was just immense. I truly consider my self lucky to have had the opportunity to spend some extra time with her away from the regular classes.

Just watching her has made me absorb more than I could have scooped out of a book, that I just can’t put any of them in to words. I wish there were more women like her and a part of me wants to possess some of the qualities she reflect. She is definitely some one who would go straight in to the list of people I respect. She really didn’t have to, but she had actually kept in mind me mentioning the need of a bible for a lil boy I knew, and bought a bible to be given to me, as well as another awesome book by the name “The Jesus I Never Knew – by Philip Yancey” and a stunning pair of dangly jewelry, exactly according to my taste. I was awestruck, not about the gift, but more about the thought.

There are some who walk in to your life, create a huge bang and leave you empty, but then again, there are others, who subtly win your respect and leave you filled up to the extent that you overflow. I only wish she would remain my mentor and my friend for longer than usual friendships blossom and fade.

I’m awestruck by quite a couple of people these few days, that some have actually made me walk around wearing a silly smug that I just cannot contain.

Pissed @ Sugar Coated Bullet Shooters

I write this in tears, with hurt, with bitterness and a lot more negative traits than one can ever imagine.

I’m confused as to how good, generous, kind and reachable a person can be. I sure faced fewer problems when I wore the Satanic IMAGE. But this ain’t an image, not another surreal transformation and I can’t go against it, but the people around me keep angering me to a point that I cannot silently, politely bear it all. Most of them who try to take advantage of the kindness are hardcore-so-called-Christians, and one is a Zoroastrian and another a so-called-righteous-Muslim. I have no problem with religion, cast and creed, but why I stated the differences was to make my point clear about all of us being in a fallen world, driven by avarice and the force spares none, not even the saved Christians, unless they really decide to break away. We are all prone to temptation; none is holier than the other (this includes myself)

I’d like to reveal four incidents that got me extremely depressed about our human nature, but something surely is stopping me from doing so).

I am not a saint myself, but just a teeny tiny blob in this universe who believes that He died to set me/us free.

Arrghh! The world is fallen beyond repair, I wish He Comes and Restores it before it is too late !

Conclusion :

(1) Don’t judge a book by its cover
(2) There is no smoke without a fire.
(3) Judging is not ours, but being cautious is.
(4) It’s ok to be paranoid (now go check that door lock for the 100th time)
(5) You can’t love your neighbor exactly like yourself, at least not in this era.
(6) It is O.K to be selfish in order to avoid unwanted issues…Flee…Run…HIDE !
(7) Do not listen to man (a good number of them are insane); listen to God, for there is no solution man can give you, for your ugly fallen state.
(8) You cannot be too nice to anyone, if you do, they’d rape you, mug you and eventually kill you.
(9) I will NOT multiply. Cute as em imps are I want NONE (I wouldn’t even let my dog lit a puppy in to this fallen system) !

I am angry, very angry, but am quite aware of all that I type right now. I have absolutely no regrets about what I have stated.

Note : Errm….em So-Called-Christians who are waiting to find fault would point out; that anger is not from the Lord (If so…. say it again…LOUD & CLEAR), coz anger is quite surely another emotion and a blessing by our maker. Jesus himself felt anger and so did his disciples. It is merely an outlet to flush the frustrations that enter us of the fallen world.

--> Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over - (P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.)

--> Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - (Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar for 1894)

--> They are not all saints who use holy water - (English Proverb)

--> A great deal of what passes for current Christianity consists in denouncing other people's vices and faults - (Henry H. Williams)

Balu(Dog) War !

Jeffry & his wife came along and left one of their four dogs ‘Choo Choo Boo’ with us for a week, till next Saturday. We thought that the dog we already had, ‘Johnny’ would appreciate the company of a female dog (biatch), but alas, it didn’t seem so initially. We chained both the mongrels and slowly let them get to know each other. Tame as ‘Choo Choo Boo’ (CCB) is, he was all out to be buddies with mine, but the savage, possessive and ultra hyper ‘Johnny Boy’ just didn’t seem to hear of it. He first sniffed at the new playmate, and did the doggy dog thing and then pounced at poor frightened CCB. Dang ! There vanished all hopes of having the new dog over.

Spoke to a couple of people whether they’d like to help us out with looking after the fellow, to which Shyam finally agreed. Big relief! But thought we’d give CCB and Johnny one more chance before we gave CCB away to Shyam. So there Mummy was holding the chained ‘CCB’ who is all calm, scared & whiny and Daddy with the frowning, boisterous & jumpy Johnny.

Long spans of sniffing and quite a number of spit baths after, the two are finally buddies. Peace is finally dawned at the Kanagaratnam habitat. Phew! My Dog’s got a fiancé after 9 long years of waiting and trying to snatch the biatches on the road (who already belonged to some other mongrel). I hope they’d be playmates in the future than humping mates, coz all I saw ‘Johnny’ do was hump her and she shake him off.

Looks like Mummy is already contemplating on whether or not to keep the furry female with us for good. Does this call for horrible nightmares or a sweet site of some juicy animal romance? Only heaven knows.

Observations a coupla hours after : ‘Chooo Choo Boo’ seems to be having ticks and pregnant. Might not keep her after all. 'Johnny' deserves a fresh yummy lady, not an impregnated, infested, snob.

(Did I just feel a tick run across my back)…Yuck Yuck !!

He Still Haunts My World

Finally got my hands on ‘Broke Back Mountain’ & ‘Munich’. I’m yet to watch it though. What does my eyes fixate on at the movie store? A guy who’s a replica of ‘My Munkey’. He was as white and lean with the same gelled up stiff hair, but taller. That pale look on his face took me by surprise and knocked me off my senses. That was the end of the bright and sunny day…..

That wasn’t the only thing that put an end to my sunny day; my dinky toy let me down for the first time. It got stuck a few metres away from home, with a weak battery. Experienced the “Thallu Start” system for the first time as well. No! It ain’t a nice feeling to be stuck. Even though there was plenty of help, it still brings about a very creepy, isolated feeling. I still strongly believe that they should allow horse or bullock carts on the road again.

Heat Strokes

The heat is killing me, slowly, but surely steadily. I suffered quite a number of heat strokes yesterday and falling asleep (even with the fan on in full swing) was another torment by itself.

I detest the urban areas, I really do. I saw a minor accident yesterday. A van overtook from the left and hit a motorbike, which threw the passenger off the bike like a blob. It was then that it occurred to me that we are mere vegetables, nothing but lumps of cartilages. But the scary part is, we clumps of blobs are on an adventure to take on the earth (smirk).

I wish there were lesser vehicles, more trees. I wish Colombo were like it was 50 years back. No, I ain’t against the technological advances, all of them can still happen whilst preserving lovely nature. Where did we go wrong, at what point did we fail to notice and are some of us still blinded of the tragedy about to befall the nation (I say nation, coz I have no right to speak about global issues or I’d rather not make it my business coz I am more concerned about my country, the soil where I was born).

I wish we could go back to living in mud huts, ride bullock carts and get away from this rat race. It’s been almost a year since I’ve tried to break away, but not a chance, every body around me expects me to be a rat in the race, everybody around me keep dragging me forward every time I stop to take a break. One more year, they like or not, I will break away. I will stop running this race, the never-ending race of avarice, the need to own more, the latest, the best, and the flashiest. Arghhhhhhh! When will it ever end?

Environmentalists never made any sense to me before. I thought they were a bunch of jobless extremists who only cared about preserving nature, but boy! Weren’t they right all along? I fear to think what would become of us within the next decade. How long will we have the comforts of electricity, and fuel? Oh sure we have alternatives, but how long will they too survive? Have we exploited these God given gifts too fast too soon?

Just as much as I wanted to see an economic boom in Sri Lanka a few months back, I now believe the best leader is chosen to strengthen the agricultural sector. We don’t see it coming now; a scarcity of edibles will overtake us like a thief in the night. We may have the dough but have no food to eat, all the rivers will be soiled that we will be left with no clean fluids to lubricate us blobs.

I don’t now how, but I wish some one broke this system down, other than a power hungry political party of course. I wish our leaders as well as the citizens had genuine love for our country. The past few days, I’ve seen plenty posters carrying the slogan “Ape Kama” (My Tush)!. Why don’t we start up by cleaning up the garbage we scatter across the streets, why don’t we start by planting a tree in our premises? I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s not about the amount of trees we cut to make furniture, but the amount of trees we plant in return.

Never thought a simple heat stroke would get my mind this messed up !

Renovating the Cottage

The Wattala residence was finally sold yesterday, Praise be to my Master! We are officially homeless till we complete the buy at Panadura, so guess we’d be here for another 3 weeks, the most.

The thought of leaving itself has left me quite high, even though it has left the rest of the family in a grumpy mood. I never liked this house actually I hate it. I really, really do, may be even more than I hate my vegetables.

Finally decided on the colours to dress the cottage in Panadura, but still contemplating on whether or not to tile it. Went tile hunting today and boy! Didn’t it get my head spinning?

Naveen Ceramics – Customer service is unheard of here and prices are the same as any other major tile importer.

Rocell (a.k.a Royal Ceramics) – Daddy seems to be quite taken back by their quality, but as for me, I am totally knocked out by their price. They are thrice as much as the imported tiles. Sri Lankan product of a high quality at unaffordable prices as usual

Y2K Ceramics – Superb customer service, but the prices aren’t any lower than the rest of the importers and not too much of a selection.

Terracotta – Even though this is my personal favourite out of the list of preferences it’s the same price as the ceramic tile, more fragile and needs more maintenance. My folks seem to be totally against it.

Overall, tiles are too freaking expensive, I think I’ll probably go ahead with an alternative.

I got to wait till I build my own house to get it my way. Kabok boundary, rugged walls and granite floor and curtains made outa gunny. May be I’m exaggerating a wee bit, but this is exactly what’s on my mind. Any attempts to implement them right now would definitely leave me homeless.

I couldn’t help noticing a house down Horton Place, a few yards before Barista. Simple as it is from the outside, the house that was once white is now painted “samara”. It looks just amazing, but the walls have been tainted by a bright purple, which takes away the rugged, earthy look of the entire house. Arrghhh….I hate ultra clashing colour combination. Sure I’m no expert, but guess I like it that way.

Just as much as renovating or building a house is tiring, it sure has the ability to give the owner a sense of SATISFACTION and leave her with a BUZZ. I’m loving it, just as much as I’m hating it.

Other than that, I got my hands on two must read books today :

"Gods That Fail – by Vinoth Ramachandra"
His wife, Karin, who is my lecturer, recommended this book at the last weeks lecture. I’m still to grasp the book, but reading a few pages from all over the book, I just can’t wait to claw it down.

"It’s About Time - by Ken Smith"
Came across this book by accident, but I am loving every word in it. It is more like a self-help book, which is a must read for every Christian. It helps one think rationally about how to strike a balance in the day-to-day life, how to handle procrastination (I sure have a PhD in it), anxiety and over commitment. I believe I found this book at the correct time to rearrange my ultra messed up schedule.

Do We Practice What We Preach ?!?

Feel the rain on your skin, No one else can feel it for you, Only you can let it in, No one else, no one else, Can speak the words on your lips, Drench yourself in words unspoken, Live your life with arms wide open, Today is where your book begins, The rest is still unwritten.
-(Unwritten – Natasha Bedinfield)-

Can’t find the answers, I’ve been crawling on my knees, Looking for anything, To keep me from drowning. Promises have been turned to lies, Can’t even be honest inside, Now I’m running backward, Watching my life wave me goodbye.
-(Running Blind – Godsmack)-

Two contradicting tracks by two artists who are worlds apart. One, absolutely bright and sunny and the other pointing directions at the dingy, dark alleys. The first one gave me hope whilst the second tore them apart. I guess it’s all about seeing the glass half empty or half full.

Yesterday was the last class on “Christian Worldview” with Karin Ramachandra. I gave her the books written by Rebecca Brown, coz I wanted to hear her opinion on the confusing content. The books state a very rigid way of looking at God’s entire creation & I ain’t liking it. Yesterday’s class made quite a massive impact on me; coz the discussion was about “relationships with the non-believers and the outside world”.

It sure wasn’t a pretty discussion, coz I was being convicted every few seconds about my past behavior towards people who didn’t share the same worldview. I’m more than convinced that just as much as it is my business to tell my loved ones about what I’ve found, I have no right to shove anything down their throat, even through pure love, but I so wish and wish they’d see the truth, before it is too late.

During the discussion, I sorted a few arguments that were tormenting my mind for days.....

(1) Just as much as Christians are uncomfortable participating in religious ceremonies held by non-believers, even marriage ceremonies, how come we insist all the guest to participate the ceremony held at church, followed by a sermon/mass to solemnize a Christian marriage. We Christians sure act selfish most of the time and that’s a fact. It’s all about us and our feelings.

What got me thinking in these lines was nothing more than a Hindu wedding I was forced to attend on Friday. I was feeling a lil awkward to make it for the wedding at all, but since I had no choice (former neighbours) I reluctantly tagged along with my family. I was relived to find out that the wedding wasn’t held in a temple after all, but in a hall. The rituals followed were fascinating to watch, even though they seemed over-rated. I got talking with Mum about what was running through my mind and oh boy! Didn’t she get a shock, coz she’s the type of person who’d think about what others would think and think twice before breaking the traditions.

But it was sure a relief to hear Karin agree with what I stated. We could make alterations according to our convictions after all.

(2) The worldview of most of the churches are quite flawed and they have no right to tie me or anyone else down to a certain denomination. Just as much as I respect the traditional churches I don’t agree with most of the stuff they do. It’s hard for me to agree, even if I try. I hate the whole concept of a rigid mass/service chanted for an hour like some sorta mantra. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I also hate the whole idea of Christian’s being split in to different denominations and churches. I for a fact don’t wanna belong to any of these. It’s a pity that most mature Christian’s still stick like glue to the man made law/rule that every Christian must belong to some sorta denomination.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : So Judy girl, which church do you belong to?

Moi : I’m non denominational.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : Ah? What are you saying? How come? No..no..no..you must belong to some sorta denomination, or how come you're doing the course at CTS?

Moi : Errmm… Alright, I go to 'Four Square Church', and I go to 'AOG' and I go every where else (grin grin. Smirk)

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : You must eventually belong to a church, you MUST !

I don’t really see the point of doing so, I believe I have the right to walk in to any church any day and praise God with the rest of the people, share their joy (& sorrow of course). What is behind the whole man made concept of BELONGING to a certain church or denomination? “Are they greedy for our “tithe”? (I wonder)

The latter day churches are counting the number of people turning up just like a farmer would count his eggs. This is saddening! They do not love the congregation with all their heart; most are money and power hungry. This is the truth and I don’t fear to speak it.

We are just as flawed & tainted, twisted are our minds and dirty are our hearts. We claim to believe the truth but refuse to live it.

It scares me to know that I’ve been living with a flawed worldview for the past one year. If only the church taught me about the love of God and the Joy I would receive through the Holy Spirit, the beauty of the Creator as well as the Creation and about the Hope I could hold on to, I wouldn’t have made half the mistakes I made in my past.

Sadly The Catholic Church I attended till I was 14 and the Charismatic Church I attended for the past one year has failed to teach me so. So have they failed to teach the same to my parents and their generation and the previous. They are incarnated with rigid, false ideas that don’t help the act of love, joy and peace at all times. They have not been taught to put God First in their lives.

I remember all the stories about Abraham, Jacob and the gang, but not once did any one of them in authority teach me “Who I was”?, “What my Purpose was”? and “Where I was going”?.

I’m angered, even though I shouldn’t be. I wish I were of some authority to change the way the churches thought, the way they projected themselves, the way they loved and behaved. They got so much to offer and I am thankful for what ever I have learnt from them, but at the same time I am disappointed and saddened by the fact that they refuse to live out the truth.

Me think me am gonna make an attempt to live it out even if it means, getting my name tarnished and daggered down :