A Strange Desire

A strange desire is born, or implanted rather, by my Maker. A desire I have detested and run away from all these years. A desire to step out of the country for a while. I applied to a college online, in the same county as where my aunt lives. I actually applied with no expectation of a reply, but what do I see sitting in my in-box today? A mail from the college! I don’t know what I should be expecting or what next I oughta be doing other than going with the flow, but I’m completely at peace with my self, which is an assurance that em heavenly hands are at work. This is sure an answer to my pleas of one whole year and I never even asked for anything in this line. I hate to leave the country other than on a holiday. I just can’t handle it for more than a week. I wonder how it will go, coz it will probably be for about 6 months – 1 year. I only hope it wouldn’t be more coz even this sounds terribly unbearable.

P - Pray
U - Until
S - Something
H – Happens

The above makes a lot more sense to me now.

--> Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. (Jeremiah 33 :3)

Sour Grapes

I’m just coming out of another blanked-out season of hibernation. Was juggling with driving people around, splitting my attention on a coupla books whilst trying to compile some bizarre worldviews tormenting my mind. Em bizarre thoughts always look good on paper whilst miraculously relieving my mind. (I am yet to understand the mechanism of this therapy).

Things are falling in to place in a miraculous way. I’m glad that I waited upon my Master than attempt to screw things up with my puny human intelligence. Intelligence and human ways are sweet, but when things are just beyond me and I just can’t think straight, It’s always nice to hand over the steering to my Father in heaven, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. And yes, I can’t think straight coz my hyperactivity has definitely got the better of me and thrown me absolutely outa focus. It really does scare me coz I know for a fact that my mind, body and soul aren’t in connection with one another when so. I can’t seem to shake off the mist and bring it back to connectivity. I’m curious to know where this whole thing is leading, since every day is a new adventure with my Captain. His playfulness is unfathomable most of the time. It just cracks me.

He caught my eye the first day I walked in to that place. He was everything I wanted, just everything I ever dreamed of. The fact that there actually is a possibility for em feelings to be mutual just knocks me off myself. Why am I kicking myself hard and trying to resist these feelings I feel? He’s already got a girly in his arms. SOUR GRAPES !!! Sigh…

I nudged God with the age old prayer of “Father, why did you have to send this dude now, and why with a woman…arrghhh…help me focus coz I know I can’t have him. Numb these feelings I feel for him and keep me far away from him” It worked fine for a coupla of weeks, but they are back again, it’s impossible to ignore em. It’s crazy coz as usual it is just a mere fascination and nothing beyond that. I want his attention whilst at the same time don’t want him. I know it’s selfish, but that’s the truth. All in all It’s nice to know that I am still capable of at least fascinating somebody, I know that my feelings aren’t dead.

Me took a tickle test for the hang of it a coupla days back.......

Quiz - ”What’s your type?” [My TUSH !]
Result - Forget Mr. Average! You go for the artistic type!

Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique man who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words, music, or attire. You're attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms. He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his "inner self". You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this man knows how to make you feel special. He's in touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!

This man sounds too perfect to exist. Artists have always managed to captivate me. An artist in my mind isn’t just a painter or anything in that line. It could very well be a con artist, writer, poet, musician, interior designer, architect, a jungle John…etc. Fascinating as they are, their mood swings and the fact that they like to secure their space freaks me out. They could knock you off your feet and at the same time make you feel miserable to the extent of putting you through a suicidal bout. I am enjoying my space too much to let any frog take a leap at it.

Apart from the usual muddle, I’m all thrilled about shifting to Panadura and redecorating the cottage. If there is anyone who has a sharp eye for colour and want to share their expertise, I’m open to hear out em opinions.

He Hasn't Failed Me Yet

"Jesus’ Blood Never Failed Me Yet" I love this song sung by ‘Jars of Clay’. NO…He has never failed me, he came to my rescue even before the clock struck it’s 11th hour so that I could scream his name out loud for all to hear. He did not put me to shame but kept his promise. He sure is my friend, the lover of my soul and all that I need to exist down here on earth. He is my walking stick, my wheel chair my vitamin & my Prozac.

I wish I had more ways to express my joy than pour it over my blog. I wish my loved ones too would open the eyes of their heart and welcome this amazing friend I’ve found to dwell in them. I wish they would yearn to experience the joy I myself feel. Nothing compares to it, nothing ever will. The following is another track by 'Jars of Clay' that touched the roots of my heart.

(Faith Like a Child)
Dear God, surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

I can’t stop talking about him. I did want to stop one time, thinking that I just might offend the non bilievers, but NO…nothing would ever stop me now. Wouldn’t you keep harping about a better half who surprised you with a Ferrari Enzo, when all you could afford was a Bajaj two-wheeler.

It’s amazing how Jesus is never too late or never too early. I almost burst out laughing reading John 11 last night. It makes me happy to know that my creator really is quite cheeky and is capable of playing a few practical jokes with his creation. How boring would life be otherwise?

What are you waiting on God for today? Relief? Provision? Direction? God's timing is always perfect. Hang in there, don’t lose hope, he will never fail you nor forsake you. There is beauty in his silence and splendor in his mysteriousness.

Give Him a chance to BLOW YOUR MIND !

Quote…..
So if I stand let me stand on the promise You will pull me through,
And if I can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You,
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs,
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.
Unquote……(If I Stand – Jars of Clay)

Once a Rotter Not Always a Rotter :)

I’m shocked at the petite mistakes that are brought to my notice every waking day. It’s a joy to be convicted of the errors that I have been warming my bum on in ignorance.

Brutally blunt as I am, I tend to dagger out exactly what I think of people and situations. I just had my own opinions and explanations for every thing that passed me by. Every question had an answer and every problem had a solution & every one who asked for advice heard exactly what I would have done in the particular situation they are currently facing (and be convinced that my way was the only way)......Dang!

I did attempt to change when I was a Satanist, since I was rigidly following “The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth” and the first one being “Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked”, but it wasn’t long until I slipped back to my ‘Highly opinionated, Ultra Protective Nature’, since there was no basis to these teachings I followed and it wasn't a practical way to lead one's life.

Their problems were my problems, I had to protect everything I loved and knew. If someone asked me to recommend a certain person who had played or even attempted to play a crude game somewhere down the line (once, twice or a gazillion times), I’d just tell the truth and warn them against dealing with the certain individual (especially in business and financial dealings). I always thought this was right, until I was convicted today. May be I was slandering their name leaving them with no second chance to rectify their mistakes. This conviction also included me labeling people to be :

(1) Wannabes / Poseurs
(2) Bitches
(3) Players
(4) Stingy Misers
(5) Gay / Lesbian
(6) Ultra Horny
(7) Jerks
(8) Losers
(9) Proud / Wicked / Jealous / Haughty…the list goes on…

Practicing to hush and not judge people ain’t no easy job, especially with the big (harly) mouth I’m blessed with, but what is wrong is wrong and what has to be changed needs to be changed. I must find ways and means to warn people in a diplomatic way (shrewd as it sounds, warning just has to be done sometimes).

This also brings to my notice that revealing another individual’s true nature just shouldn’t be my business no more (unless of course it brings about justice to a worthy cause).

Why would I want to confide in any one what I wouldn’t want the public to know, when I got my Captain in heaven to discuss all the confidential issues with. This way, one has nothing to hide. Reminds me of Pastor Hans sharing about how one must be transparent and reachable at all times during the “General Epistles” class last week. It did take me by surprise, since I was used to being a tad lil bit of a loner and preffered operating undercover (disagree with me you may…hehee...but really! I am a loner) and I sure have a habit of hiding myself in hibernation every once in awhile.

Conclusion : - If I say I believe in him and claim that I am made in his image, who am I to judge mere humans. If He is merciful enough to forgive me, who am I to say that I’d never forgive another. If My Father did change a filthy sinner like I in to something better who am I to underestimate his power to change another. If I claim “Nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1 :37) who am I to say “once a rotter always a rotter”.

--> If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1 :9)

--> I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Gal 2 : 20)

--> For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self- discipline. (2 Timothy 1 : 7)

Em Thrada Drivers & Thrada Lingo (",)

Who were em four giddy heads in a white wagon that screeched away recklessly and irresponsibly around Moratuwa this morning? & Who was dat ridiculous ‘Shaggy’ impersonator who was driving a loud mouthed, hot pink Lancer that couldn’t move faster than a tortoise, but still thought it was cool to block my path? The pinky sure reminded me of colourful ‘babul’ or rather candy floss (“bombai-muttai” according to Grams) Hmmmpphhh…Show offs!

Me actually managed to post a short blog…Bamboo Shhoooot ! I‘m just too excited for words. Another ona em happa weeks.

Errrm….why do I see my language getting all thrada) ?!??

I'm Going Potash :)

I meant "potta as" (blind eyed/blurry eyed) :) It's just high time that I invest on a pair of specas coz I don't think my eyes can take up any more postponing. Hmmm......I hate em glasses, I've been on em before...I just hate em! But it has come to a point that moi is having probs behind the wheel. I just can't see a thing sometimes (that freaks me out). Since of late it has even overtaken me writing and reading. I guess it's something to do with focusing...Arghhhh. This sure is a reminder nudging me "Yo girl! age is catcging up, isn't it"?

Another Encounter With "My Munkey"

Today was quite a messy & hectic day, so was this whole week. But today was different. Left half an hour early to Bible College (that’s at 8 a.m) just so that I could begin to practice punctuality, only to find a 40 foot container fallen right across the road creating a mega traffic block. Dang !!! My coming early was worthless, got to the class 10 minutes late as usual…Sigh !

It was burning hot and humid that all I wanted to do was go home and chill, but heard that Aunty Vasanthi was discarding some books before she shifted to her new place and wanted me to come pick up what I wanted. Wowy !!! Em books were marvelous, Encyclopedias, Dictionaries and series & series of books. I felt like a billionaire coz em books would sure cost around 25’000.00 or more if I were to buy it from the stores now.

Came home and fell flat asleep for more than 3 hours straight, only to figure out that I had promised Razor that I’d be turning up at the Autolanka get together. The sticky weather tempted me to stay in and chill, but got in to some grubby clothing and dashed away to greet the waiting Razor…hehehe. It was all good, em guys with RPM on their mind were a tad incomprehensive though.

Tried to make an excuse for not turning up at Jeremy’s party coz “My Munkey” would be there, but since he insisted, me went with sweaty palms and butterflies in me stomach coz I was sure it would be an awkward, long party. I was so wrong, “My Munkey” came and spoke to me, he looked mysterious as ever & my heart shattered in to smithereens, coz he wasn’t mine (& never will be) . Will he ever belong to anyone else? He looked quite straight; I couldn’t digest the fact that he was inclined the other way. We danced awhile, and that seemed to be the best moment in my entire life.

I couldn’t hang in there for long watching him. What we had was lost and he would be gone before I know it. Gone forever. Why him! I keep wondering. May be coz he is just so unreachable, untouchable and unfathomable. I sure thought that I could rest in peace once I knew for sure, but it just isn’t so. This will always, always remained an unfinished story. I wonder if I’d forget about him totally and move on once I fall in love with another……..I wonder, wonder…I keep wondering……

Blemished :(

Drained & dysfunctional as I am these days I pounce on any book that appear to have info in the line of “Why bad things happen to good people”. Just as the world around me is falling apart, the faith, which was stronger than the strongest foundation too is suffering (at least to a certain extent). Conversing with my “Father” has been hideously difficult (usual story, spiritual ups and downs). I’ve been waiting upon him, crying out to him, pleading my way out of whatever sin I had committed. It’s been a good long year since I’ve come to know him, but the battle still remains.

I sometimes have half a mind to question........

“God, would you really care if I turn my back on you again, coz you act like you just don’t care about me. Can’t you see me suffering? All I do is strive to do your will, keep your word, spread your word and live for you, but it still feels like you are downright ignoring me. Father, Why do you still keep whipping me harder and harder everyday, WHY? You know what? Turning away from you ain’t that hard and I just might do it. I wonder if you are really there at all?”

These were my passive thoughts, but thoughts so true. Oh boy ! How I regret em thoughts. I really should be shot with my own shit for being the ungrateful vixen I am. Even though I pleaded for forgiveness for my unholy thoughts and was convinced that He forgave me, I still felt a traitor. He who has brought me so far, will surely take me safely towards victory.

My thoughts ran back to the 1 Peter study we did last week about suffering. (What my suffering is in this case, I shall no state, for it is only He who knows it until I’m told to testify about His goodness and mercy and about how he brought me safe through it all, for it is He who deserves all glory, and all glory goes only unto Him).

--> “This suffering is all apart of the work God has given you, Christ, who suffered for you is your example. Follow in his steps: He never sinned, never told a lie, never answered back when insulted; when he suffered he did not threaten to get even; he left his case in the hands of God who always judges fairly". (1 Peter 2 : 21-23)

The reason I had felt like an outcast was because I had forgotten His lovely attributes (of love) and I wanted signs and miracles just like the rest of them rather than walking by pure FAITH.

The two books I picked up, which I’m reading simultaneously (terrible way of reading, I know…eerrm…I’m actually juggling four…hehehe) were certainly helping me understand the adverse situations and why they are permitted.

Be Confident – by Warren W. Wiersbe (Bible Study on Hebrews)
If God is in Control (Why is My World Falling Apart)? – by Verna Birkey

Even after reading a gazillion books, I would still remain clueless as to why adversities happen around me, but I would learn better to thrust (I emphasize) all my cares on him and smile, coz………

--> “I know in all things God works for the Good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8 :28)

This means that He will see to it that all conditions (good & bad) will eventually work together for good. (Note that this doesn’t say that God causes all things to happen nor say all circumstances happen for good. Grrrrrr….but don’t I wish it was so)

This is the verse that the first few chapters of “If God is in Control” is built on, and to confirm the promise I claimed I got the same verse from the stack of “Random Bible Versus” from which I pick one a day to see what I can derive form it.

I can only smile (aloud) for God sure has been turning all adverse situations in my life from day one for the better (I can’t fathom why & how I’m writing this ultra sweet entry about God & his goodness when I’m drowning in utter muck even as I scribble)

I remember asking Ivor Phoobalan two weeks back in class if it was wrong for one to cry out to the Lord to lessen the weight of one's yoke or to take it away completely. His answer included the following scriptures.

--> “My Father ! If it is possible, let this cup be taken away from me, but I want your will, not mine” (Matthew 26 : 39)

According to the Bible, Jesus cried out to Lord the Father thrice with the same plea in the garden grove of Gethsemane before he was seized for crucifixion.

--> “Eli Eli, lama sabachthani / My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" ? (Matthew 27 : 46)

The very last words Jesus uttered while hanging on the cross when GOD the Son himself felt that God the (his own) Father had forsaken him.

"In my brokenness, I cried out to the Lord, to comfort me and hide me someplace away from this world and ZAP, it was He and I, just He and I. We spoke, we laughed, and it was one of those moments I’d remember forever. Yet the thorns that were wrapped around me continued to wrap themselves tighter. The thorns were eating deep in to my skin, almost touching my frail bones & I felt the horrifying pain. I didn’t understand why? I questioned him, but all he did was smile and stroke my hair till I finally fell in to a conscience sleep in His powerful arms. I don’t remember much, other than the two sensations I felt, the pain from the brambles crushing my skin and His love I felt with every stroke that swept my hair. My world was finally peaceful for I was assured that as long as He held me in His arms, he was in control".