Help me Jesus….I’m just about to die

Today was one of those…”heaven help me, coz this might be the last few minutes on earth for moi” sorta day……..Morning was laid back…and afternoon too was spent at Barista’s with a friend, indulging on cheese cake and hot chocolate…..he is sorta a new friend I’ve found…and yeah…really sweet guy…….It felt good to hang around with someone you could call a FRIEND……geeeeez……Then I did a movie with another friend……this again was just a FRIEND……hehhee……I’m really on cloud number 9…….but it scares me to have any sort of close bonding, coz it always…always ends up in disaster…..

I’ve actually adopted the technique of (it’s difficult, but it’s healthy) totally blocking up people who just aren’t genuine, marking time, wasting my time and theirs and taking me for granted……so far…so good……..I know it’s a very selfish act…but sometimes, one just gotta draw the line…..(hint…hint)

So the movie fini at 9 p.m and me went off to me lil angel’s place…all the way to Borlasgamuwa…My heavens !!!! Didn’t I wish that it was all just a nightmare………Thundering rain…almost misleading the drive……3 feet deep water, crippling my brakes…..It was horrifying…real horrifying…….The fact that it was 10 p.m and I was alone didn’t help either. My knees were gone….i mean frozen and buckled up… my heart was racing way above average…….. W.A De Silva Mw truly gave me an heart attack….for some reason I felt that it was the end of something……I suddenly found myself driving in to a river of water (emphasizing…RIVER)…… The rain was slamming itself on the windscreen and was blinding the view, the thunder and the heavy wind only made it more gory…..The worse part was when I figured that I couldn’t really locate the apartment…..ouch…..Praise the Lord…I found the pitch dark apartment without having to run around in circles…..

Got me lil angel & went through a lil more wading and drowning to get back home…..arrrgh……I would never ever wanna go trough this again !!! We decided to take a cab to the airport to pick his mum from my place, instead of me car…. just in case the weather gets worse….I still feel bad about letting them down…..at least it feels like I have let them down :)

Its freaking 4 a.m and I am still up and blogging….trying to thump out all my anger &, confusion out in to words….The wait at the airport arrival terminal was a stress buster….I could sit there and glare at em people for hours (if I was given the chance) he he he…it’s funnier than one of em award winning comedies…specially when u got an equally crooked, twisted minded buddy to criticize them with (“,)

Markadamus Twainus

Criticize him or praise him? …….I wouldn’t know…..I got reading about the dude….I got carried away and fascinated as usual….It all began coz some one I know sent me a quotation by Mark Twain’s “Letters from the Earth” “It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies” I had to read up more about Mark Twain the minute this caught my eye….I had to read more than Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer I’ve browsed through in my childhood…What was he? Was he (really) anti or pro Christian? It wasn’t to clear to see at a glance by reading the quote. So that’s where me got digging…… No where does it say that he accepted Christ? Jew’s yes…..a Jew hater, later turned to praising them…but did he really accept them……NO…his mind was wavering…..from whether or not they were worthy enough to be respected or not…….. Yes…he was a Christian hater to a certain extent……Geez…I wish I knew him then to let him know…To let him know that It ain’t about a neighboring Jew and neither is it about Christians…..but it’s about Jesus (the trinity rather…Father, Son & the Holy Spirit)….It’s a personal relationship with the creator…and the creator alone. Quotes---------- For England must not fall: it would mean an inundation of Russian & German political degradations which would envelop the globe & steep it in a sort of Middle-Age night & slavery which would last till Christ comes again--which I hope he will not do; he made trouble enough before. (Letter to W. D. Howells, 1/25/1900) There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him--early. (Notebook, 1898) You can never find a Christian who has acquired this valuable knowledge, this saving knowledge, by any process but the everlasting and all-sufficient "people say." In all my seventy-two years and a half I have never come across such another ass as this human race is. (Mark Twain's Autobiography) Unquote------------ I’m saddened by the fact that he only looked at the world….and not in to his heart……all his quotes are criticizing a cast, creed or a nation…..(how could he…grrrrrr) My biggest question still remains unanswered…..even after all the digging and finding…..Intellectual & brilliant as he is….How come that he never found the TRUTH? He sure made some statements which were unbiased and true as well :- Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. (Following the Equator -1897) When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. (Mark Twain's Autobiography) I’ve had enough criticizing Marcadamus Twainus……but my question still remains as to what was going on in the mind of the person who sent me quote…..(grin…grin….) Now that…I may never know……..

I have to let you go completely…but I just can’t

I keep seeing you, wanting to see you……….wanting to see that smile….see that sweetness, pouring down over me…I pull back….torture my self to stay away.... coz something inside keeps telling me that my soul is heading for trouble….All I gotta do is stay away…say NO, every time u say yes…..You’d never know how much it kills me…you’d never know coz I ain’t never gonna tell you…coz it wouldn’t really matter… Is it love…or is it lust…I wouldn’t know…or may be I don’t want to figure out…I don’t want it to end, even though it has to……

I don’t want to see you…coz seeing you only makes me empty…..coz something starts churning inside me….screaming to make you all mine……..but then I pull back…….coz it’s all foolish or rather boorish desires running wild don’t want you to be mine…this ain’t it….you ain’t IT….It’s crazy….coz I do wanna feel the warmth of those hands…..I want it to last…..

Worlds apart in body, mind and soul…….but something about you grips me to the spot…..making it difficult for me to dodge from your gaze……I try to explain…but fail to…..guess something’s are better left unspoken, unexplained……I do sometimes wake up thinking about you & sometimes you’re the last I think about before I shut my eyes…It makes me happy…but at the same time empty….coz u ain’t mine…and I don’t want you to be mine either…..

Yes, I have cried…it sounds so lame now…but who can tell the emotions what to do…they’ve got a mind of their own……My head orders me to run for my peace….but my heart doesn’t let me……It hurts…I’m bleeding….I know that it’s just a fascination…..a going no where situation…….non committed and almost non existent…Cut yourself free, before it hurts you an me.

Mars, Venus & Me…..

Me Man Ranil Lost…..Hmm…Just fini mourning…but then again, what is in it for me…My life has to go on. I still gotta work hard for my living. So why even bother talk about politics, when I got bigger issues at my age

People always fascinated me……I see them as works of art…..So many of my friends feeling lost, going through broken relationships and so much more….Of course I’ve been through all that shh** and more….but looking back, as well as looking in to their spaces from outside….it all seems too simple….too uncomplicated…..(Ermm…am I getting a tad carried away)…..

As for relationships, I see most of them getting drifted away with the absolute wrong one….knowing that it is wrong……why? Coz they just need something to keep them occupied…they are lonely...jobless….or just too dumb to realize….I so wouldn’t know……but y? Life seems to be so much easier without unwanted hindrances planting stakes before ones progress. (Of course I kept doing the same mistake till recently)…It is so much easier to let go of the thorns one holds on to and let the wounds heal…than to keep holding on to em and keep bleeding…..

The "Now" Magazine carried out quite an interesting article about a few books on relationships, for the more intelligent of em tow species, (Gotta go get my hands on soma em)…A few points sorta stuck in my mind from the book “ He’s just not that in to you” by author Greg Behrendt…The books is supposed to be less focused on man-bashing and more on women’s incapability to recognize a disinterested partner.

“If a (sane) guy really likes you there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way”

Apparently the author challenges the reader of the book to keep away from men who:

(1) Keep them waiting by the phone
(2) Are not sure they want a relationship
(3) Make them feel sexually undesirable
(4) Fear talking about the future
(5) Are married

Geeez…..I was quite amused reading the article…how true……If only this was one of the text books in school, I wouldn’t have had to learn em the hard way…..

But then again I am also eager to find out why :

(1) A guy forces an uninterested girl in to a relationship and then get uninterested?

(Is it something to do with the hunter’s spirit)?
(2) Men are what they are….argggghhhhhhhhhh.....
(3) Men like manipulative women (Are they looking for a mum or a wife)?

There’s a lot more I’m curious to know about…but then again….I’ll eventually figure em out….

The other book which provoked me was “Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right” by authors Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

The writer of the article had actually without any fear gone on to saying “This best selling book puts men right where we belong – on a pedestal. The rules make it clear that no self respecting woman can lead a complete life without a husband to call her own, we’re still calling the shots”

(Wouldn’t I like to give the guy a piece of me mind)…

I wouldn’t wanna speak any more about this book until I’ve read the whole thing…I’ll probably end up with high blood pressure, coz it’s already on the boil…….

Drama Queen

My Life has been a absolute drama (of course in a good way) ever since me fini me education……It’s surprising that it still hasn’t ceased….the episodes continue to only get better and more interesting……

Finally got baptized last Sunday…….amazing feeling…but guess the water in the tank was a tad contaminated, which made me remain dizzy for quite sum time…..

Yesterday was one hectic day…I so don’t know how I scraped the energy to go on past midnight…..The six hour chauffeuring service provided to mother dearest…from Ambathale all the way to Homagama and back home……Young adults meeting and finally a relaxing game of ( or rather a blood boiling game) of scrabble with a buddy…..Blood was more than boiling, coz Scrabble according to me Dad is played with plain & pure English, and that’s exactly the way I’m used to playing it…..But as for my friend who insisted including slang, American unfinished words, prefixes etc….according to the scrabble dictionary (with no prior agreement) …Bly Me…..The urge still prevails to smack em dictionary publishers tush bright read…

Today was one of em days one realizes that, they cannot be everybody’s everything……I need a lil time for me self…I need a break…….Arrrghhhh !!!!! I’m worn out……on my way to a glorious flue…….and the sickenening feeling of waiting three hours loitering around mummy’s office till she finished work didn’t help me feel better either….

A Christian should be IN the world and yet not OF the world. How can this be? Consider the fish who, though he lives in the salty sea, does not taste salty.

Found a quote which explains what exactly I’m struggling to be…..I do not know how far it is possible….coz ever since I started trying…..all I’ve been doing is slipping and falling.....It’s a slowly diminishing and hopefully vanishing struggle……Yeah……Pasan…may be u were correct after all…I was putting a lot of self imposed pressure on my self……But if you were bad I used to be…….u’d understand y the thought of slipping an inch backwards scares the shit out of me….It ain’t the world I don’t trust…It’s myself :)

Dancing Frenzy

I’m pining to start dancing again…….I’ve been hippety hopping the whole day and almost cracked exhausted…Finally found out that there actually is a class happening at Panadura…..so…Tango by me self till me shift…..and part of me is fidgeting to go clubbing tonight….but what if I get sucked in ????….(There I go again….another thing to ponder on)…….

To gain self-control, give God control !!!

But…how can I expect God to work miracles when I still have a lil more home work to finish….

1 Corinthians 9 : 27 - Like an athlete, I punish my body, treating it roughly, training it to do what it should, not what it wants to.

The Girl who has Schizophrenia is getting better…..Taking her for another healing prayer to Pastor Viraj Perera. The faith the Girl’s mum has blows me away…Jesus will heal every dark corner in their lives and restore everything for sure……and use them for his glory…..One more soul is saved…and it’s time to celebrate.

I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But thank God, I am not what I used to be !!!

Thirst

Managed to hit the sack by 1 a.m last night……….My hyperactivity is not due to chocolates, or any other substance…….It’s coz my soul has finally found joy….exceeding joy that’s screaming to overflow…Me gonna get baptized this Sunday…wohooo…….and I finally…really….whole heartedly….100%...spot on…..feel ready for it…My Mentor wanted me to relax, when I mentioned this to him hehehe….he means good….but I know the minute we relax our hearts and minds and stop attempting to reach the goal…the whole structure collapses…….No…..I ain’t scared that I might be tripped…and not be strong enough to resist evil and temptation…..but just that I’ve come to realize that one cannot have grey areas…..or even thoughts about compromising….coz…this would mean that we just might be leaving room for the wrong decision to conquer…..

Getting high with the holy spirit is far more pleasurable that any substance....It’s a yearning…a thirst….just like one thirsts for the next shot of Vodka…or as for me the next strip of mint……I wish I could explain the exact feeling…..but It’s beyond description…It’s beyond compare…..I’ve only yet had a lick of the Candy stick My Master is holding for me…and I’m impatient to consume it entirely……It’s a joy to know that he is in control….It’s an even bigger joy to know that he has a plan for me…a special plan with a perfect stratergy :)

I long to be used for his glory…….coz the joy I receive by being used by him is beyond compare…….I remember watching aunty Wasanthi and wondering…..”What has she to be so happy of”….. I didn’t really comprehend what it was until “oogly googly” Shyam pointed it out (him being a rebel and being almost on the same note as I am back then…. “I’m bad…I’m bad…I’m evil…I’m bad”….did sorta make me ponder awhile on what he was saying)…..The phrase where he said “Look at the Christians…what ever happens…they got some one to lean on ..and what do we have?” Oooppps……that was me turning point……….that’s when I realized that I was an empty vessel…rebelling against my own self…my own stupid and foolish dark strength (Which sure is temporary)…..

A change would do me GOOD ?

Changes have been taking place in my already messed up, highly volatile life….since Feb, but the most drastic ones have just begun……It’s all good…me all happy….at peace…….

Eating habits have gone from bad to worse….Stomaching in more than 2 meals a day seems like torture…..but chocolates seem to go down me throat in bulk…….My work outs have become frequent (I can’t seem to figure out why I keep doing it…or rather overdoing it...It’s like I juts can’t stop)…..My body fat seems to have gone down to all time zero that I have to sleep under 3 thick balnkets, to keep me self from shivering….. (Spoooky)…..

Me have turned outa be so much hyper than before…tired, but hyper…that I feel like a dog on the loose…….(Oh no…… that ain’t schizophrenic symptoms…hehehehehehe…now now Pasan…don’t u go imagining)

Heard that one of me best buddies “Lash” is getting married……..For some reason, the news did sorta make my world fall apart…No…I’ve never had a crush on him…just loved & adored him loads as me own brother…..that’s it…….and no it ain’t jealousy…….I so can’t figure out what? Y? Arghh…I hate being possessive…(but is this possessiveness) ??? I guess not….hmmm….I remember howling and crying away and refusing to go for 2 of my best girl friend’s weddings……Geez….why would a wedding make me cry? This I need to get out of :(

Another wonderful day in paradise

Yesterday was tiring, but a happy one……Went for the “Living in Style” (Kadalla) Exhibition held at BMICH (which will go on till 6th Nov)……It was amazing……..Gathered (or rather stole) a lotta tips and designs to implement on the new property. Collected all the leaflets and brochures me hands could grab……(Drool droooooll)…..

The last blog about “Schizophrenia” I donno why I went through the article and blogged it…The person I intended it for didn’t really have Schizophrenia….Hmmmmm….I was confused……coz when I was reading it for the first time…I was burdened….almost forced to blog it……..May be…God wanted me to go through it to educate me self…….It ain’t a maybe anymore…God did have a plan for sure…….One of me mum’s friend’s Kido had been going through a phase of acute depression and a series of mixed psychological symptoms for the past 4-5 years………It hurt us to see her deteriorate, slowly, gradually but steadily……I so wanted her to be well…but didn’t know what to do……We wanted to take her to prayer meetings long ago…but it never really happened…..Hmmmm…(It’s amazing, how God’s timing works)……

We finally made plans to take her for the prayer meeting happening at Moratuwa lead by Pastor Viraj Perera……A strong Buddhist, saved by Christ……He was the guy who blessed the opening of my business, blessed my car……….I’m shocked at how powerful God makes man……..And I’m blessed to have experienced God’s mighty power through a few…..namely…..Pastor Viraj Perera, Mr. David Nicolle (My Mentor, my father…the guy who pulled me out of the dirty rut of witchcraft)…Pastor Keagal (Oh boy……another man of God who helped me break a few bondages), Pastor Trevin & his absolutely sweet wife…and my two sweet friends Jacintha & Jennifer (I guess these are the only people I look up to for the time being).

So getting back to the point……I called me mum’s friend to tell her about the plans for today…and oh…bly me…Nangi was actually diagnosed with “Schizophrenia”…I was shocked….just a lil too shocked…….hehehehe….but I was glad…that there was a way……They had never really brought her before the Lord…only been chanting “Manthra” and “Seth Kavi” (which again are chantings made to the demons)…….We are about to experience a mighty miracle……The biggest miracle me am to see……I know my God will and can do it…I know that he will restore her mentality…….The height of his power send shivers down me spine…Meanwhile, me waiting for a lil miracle to happen in me life as well……He saves…restores……in his time…and his time is the right time…..

I’m all thrilled….n happy…….Can’t wait to see another come out of deep darkness…….So long…..for now…..

Update : (After returning from the healing service)

Wow….I’m blown…totally blown………I can’t wait to see the lil girl getting a lil better each day……..So Pastor Viraj predicted that the whole thing began form a curse planted in the house…If that is what God has shown him…then it is so……My God will heal her……bring her back to her sweet self……..I know he will……

My Lord is my refuge….& my only refuge !!!

Da Devil's Playground !!!

I’ve been going through quite a powerful site these few days…..http://www.demonbuster.com/………….I know I meant the below for someone. I am no one to force the truth, but pray that all my loved ones find it (sooner than later).

Schizophrenia
What is it: A person who has two souls or personalities. Each personality is equipped with its own attitudes. These spirits whip the mind and personality back and forth as they vie for power: such as pride versus inferiority. The separate personalities are closely interwoven so that it is impossible for the person who has them to understand and control them. Double-mindedness wears the person out, and frustrates and confuses him.

Schizophrenia always begins with rejection. This rejection may be real or imagined. Often a child is rejected soon after conception. The reason for rejection doesn't matter. It could be unwanted, incest, rape, wrong sex, no more kids, hate parenthood, divorce, etc. We have seen cases where the rejection was no real but the demons had used some minor incident to tell them they were unwanted and that person accepted the demons lie. This is why parents need to talk over any situation with a child who seem troubled.

A "schizo" parent will usually have a schizo child or children. It's not inherited like blue eyes but is demonic. Demons like to cluster.

A schizo parent has difficulty showing love. Since the mother is the most constant parent with the children and cannot feed love into them, they become targets for rejection demons. Because fathers are away most of the day they seem special to children and can be hurt very easily if they feel father doesn't accept and show he loves them.

Many people don't understand who they are. One proof of the schizo personality is the constant question of "Whom am I?" The identity of one's own self is confused or lost.
Rejection is a withdrawing-type of personality; likes to work alone, doesn't participate, unsure, etc. Rejection is inward and withdrawn before it is outward. Rejected people reject others before they can be rejected by them.

Rejection invites rebellion. For instance, a child or adult will fight for love and lash out at those starving him of love. Rebellion is the reaction to rejection.
Rebellion is aggressive, angry, bitter, resentful and retaliates. This personality is moody, stubborn and selfish.

Having rejection and rebellion in the same body is hard to bear. This personality switches back and forth in seconds.

DELIVERANCE from the schizo personality takes time because the real self has often not developed very much at that point. If one is to be successful, he needs Jesus. Jesus will help the real person to develop. Obedience to Jesus' instructions are necessary. Bible study and prayer are needed.

Under the rejection spell comes infirmity and insecurity, deep depression, self accusation, and compulsion to confess sins. For example, a person enters into wrong doing and cannot keep from confession. He really wants to shock and hurt others so that he can get attention as a substitute for love.

Hard on the heels of these comes deception, self-seduction, delusion, fear and pride. Now we enter into the paranoid companion of schizophrenia.

On the rejection side are jealousy and envy usually of others who can give or receive love. On the rebellion side are distrust, suspicion and fears of all types of persecution.

Schizophrenia can be demonically inherited. Notice I said "demonically". By that I mean it is not in the blood system, not in the genes - it is in the demons!

This is why the schizophrenic DELIVERANCE requires time - sometimes several months or even a year, or longer. The DELIVERANCE must work in balance with the development of the "Real Self". It cannot be rushed, for there is nothing for the person to fall back upon. If every demon in the schizophrenic person were suddenly cast out he would feel totally lost. Identity with the "Real Self"requires time. As the schizophrenic nature is knocked out, the true personality must come forth to replace it.

He must be willing to fall out of agreement with the demons and to break old habit patterns.

How does the schizophrenic come out of this tangled mess? The three main areas to conquer are Rejection, Rebellion and the Root of Bitterness. As these areas are conquered the "house" (life) must be filled by the giving and receiving of love by submission to every valid authority and by forgiveness of all persons regardless of the circumstances. When these three areas are conquered, the other related spirits lose their strength. Determination is necessary.

The person who can persistently say "I WILL BE DIFFERENT! I WILL NOT LET DEMONS RULE MY LIFE" will eventually see victory.

SUICIDE IS A DEMON
Jesus does not want you to kill yourself. Thou shalt not murder is the commandment. Jesus would not tell you to commit suicide because then you are breaking the sixth commandment.
If you have ever thought of suicide, you must do Deliverance on this demon. Cast him out, in the name of Jesus.A suicide demon never leaves on its own. It may lay dormant for years.

It’s me lil angel’s birthday today…….he’s turning 20…wohoooooo…I am proud of what he has made of himself….and then again not so proud of his beliefs……hmmm…May he be blessed !!!