Alpha & Omega

The 12 day short vacation has come to an end, where I fly back to UAE tomorrow. The last few hours spent with him felt fucked up and disoriented. He has slowly, yet steadily become my North & South, Alpha & Omega and my everything.

With a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and a snot filled nose, I ask the universe to make life happen with him, faster than a speeding bullet.

Don’t I Wanna Be Anywhere Else But Here?

It is the third time I got up from my seat to light a cigarette, but forgot all about it, got occupied with something else and came back to resume or rather commence blogging. I don’t know if blogging and the cigarette would make me feel any better afterwards, but I’m hoping it would.

Was dragged to the beach after much retaliation late in the fucking morning by a good friend and an old flame. I am feeling feverish and fucked up though there was no serious dipping being done. I conveniently stayed on the shore whilst the boys played ball in the middle of the sea. It was relaxing though I now feel like a piece of over grilled chicken drumstick.

I asked myself a million times why I had left him, rejected him and refused to visualize a future with him before. He was a lot of things I wanted, simple, old fashioned, persevering, though he doesn’t listen to the same music, watch the same movies or read the same books. I have been asking myself for days if these things are actually important, but I haven’t been able to come up with a satisfying answer till date. For now, all I am aware is that I have been and am in awe at what his inner being is made of. Is there an outer being at all?

I have always liked English films and books by Indian producers and writers. There is something about their productions that you will never find in a western artist. While hunting for books I came across a book which looked like just another time pass read “one night @ the call centre” by Chetan Bhagat, which I couldn’t eventually keep down until every page was read. Not that I had ever worked at a call centre to really earn a living but there was something about the book that touched or disturbed me. Love, choices, or a boorish management I cannot really figure out. An almost well written book. He could have jolly well done a better job with it. About to go on to “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert and then on to “48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene.

Turning 27 in approximately 40 days time and everybody has pressed the panic button, except for me. I have just started the elimination process [evil grin]. Most people, when deciding on a suitable match list down everything they like in the so called ideal counterpart, which I too have done countless number of times only to find myself even more confused than ever. A colleague who seems to have some smart theories about men, keeping them and eliminating them had a different strategy which sounded worth trying and was definitely worth trying.

Strategy:

List down the good and the bad of each of the potential candidates instead and voila everything suddenly seemed clear. Managed to eliminate a good 5 who will never be considered ever again.

Material Boy

Me : Told him I was in deep shit financially and though I liked him a lot I didn’t wanna commit since I wouldn’t be able to give my 100% with the strategic payment plan I had to follow [balls]!

Instead of saying he doesn’t really care about stupid materialistic things or my networth, he had the nerve to tell me that my plan to stick to my payment plan was not stupid at all, in fact very wise

My suspicion he was materialistic beyond my liking was confirmed.

Lankan Boy With An Outa The Blue Accent

Nice guy, absolute survivor, romantic as hell, sweet as chocolate, would be loyal, loving and everything a woman wants. They never come in separate packages without these…. possessive, neurotic, paranoid etc..

Liar Boy

The urge to lie about his parents, background and minute things definitely isn’t a plus point, neither does him being a Libran.

Indian Boy

Say yes, please go out with me for you’re the first girl I ever dared like or ask. Not a good enough reason. On the other hand, his need to curl the ‘r’ at the end of each word would drive me clinically insane.

Self Proclaimed White Boy

Libran and an arse.

That’s how easy the elimination process was. It’s not what I want but all about what they are.

Three cigarettes and a blog after my brain feels less cluttered, but the sinking feeling still resides comfortably at the pits of my belly. It must to be an unreachable, deep, dark and lonely place for I can’t seem to reach out and tug it out of me. I can’t figure out what’s wrong or what it is that I really want right now… a new job, a new game or a different work-out routine?

Clean Suits & Duffel Bags

It’s the second night in the new apartment and it will take a while to get settled and cozy. I was amazed and taken back by the strength I had when shifting the entire room, everything that had helped me live comfortable for the past three years. Two refrigerators, truck load of clothes, books, boxes all transported with a single flat trolley and a regular shopping cart all with nothing but my bare naked hands. It reminded me as to why I didn’t need a man (at least for the time being) , it is obvious that no man I had met until today now could ever match up to the kind of living on the edge lifestyle I am cut out to live and am living. It keeps me ticking, on my toes and more than anything it is fun.

His entire being just catches me off guard simply coz he looks like HIM. That face, that look, that oozing ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’, that refined, mature & humble nature, the full suit with the duffel bag.......I think I like the idea of watching, admiring, criticizing or whatever than to really get involved in the entire situation, let alone desire any involvement.

I wish ‘Mr. Have-It-All-Together’ made me feel the same way. I think I still have feelings for him, but as for getting stuck with him for the rest of my life…NO-CHANCE –IN-HELL !!!! He is amazing in a lot of ways, may be every woman’s dream, but just not mine. I waited long, ditched plenty, not to settle for second best. A part of me wanted to say ‘Yes, let’s work things out’, but a louder voice kept saying….’He ain’t the one, don’t waste your time, let it go and let it go for good’ and that’s exactly what I did.

I managed to add a few more pages on to the book this afternoon. This course I’m taking seems to be diverting my very being and it is sad. I have deliberately stopped myself from feeling, from really listening or speaking. It is true that the best experiences in life take place when you let yourself feel, go with the flow and don’t really care whether or not you’re making a fool of yourself. Then, at one point, you stop being yourself, you become rigid, you become what the world wants you to be, you stop thinking for yourself, you stop wanting for yourself.

That’s the fucking problem…..I can’t let myself go, not right now, I need to finish what I came here for, but it is taking me a little more time than intended, coz instead of falling in love with oil money, perks, benefits and scrounging stupid entities based on sinking sandy patches, I have fallen in love with a job, a fucking job, not even a man, but a fucking job!

I wonder if he means everything he says. I wonder what he really wants out of life. I wonder from where all those catty comments come from. I wonder if he really cares and respects people genuinely. I wonder if he ever looks further than just a couple of days & months, I wonder if what other people say is right. Would he really make it? Hasn’t he already made it? I want to sit and wonder plenty things about him, but it doesn’t seem to matter when I see a smile perking out of that otherwise stern face. I’ve heard the worst, I seen the worst, but it doesn’t matter. I just wanna dish out what I couldn’t for myself and then fucking run and hide.

I wish and wish I could sit in a dark corner and enjoy the world than be in it. It is a funny funny circus and people are a bunch of clowns. It would help if they knew which hoop they are expected to conquer next. It must be entertaining for the mean-streaked-idiot upstairs to watch everyone mess things up. May be the books got it all wrong afterall….may be, just may be, the devil actually won the world over and is up there ruling the world. May be the devil is actually a woman !

And Then It All Ended........

Some of the best decisions are made using much of the heart and less of the head. I made a huge one today and it feels great. It's been on my mind for the past 6 months or so. Looking back, it feels crazy to have sat on a single decision for a good 150 days, but the point is, that it is finally made and done with. Tonight I sleep in peace, with nothing bothering my mind or soul. Do I feel guilty? Ahem.. probably just as guilty as as having over eaten ice cream.

What have I to lose and what have I to gain? There comes a point when you just don't care about your gains and losses, but follow your heart and only your heart and trust the universe to take you to your next destination.

The world has stopped spinning around me. My mind is clear and there are no emotions taking over, other than just a glint of sadness. It feels like a crappy ending of a beautiful relationship that just couldn't stand the test of time.

People function beautifully when there is absence of fear. They blossom in to pretty lil flowers, rare & exotic, but it's a cycle, they eventually whither & die.

Red Box - A Taste of Sri Lanka Indeed

Had to put in to words the awesomeness of the Sri Lankan food relished at Red Box located in Qusais, while the food is still in my belly. The much anticipated trip was finally made this evening.

Ambiance - Not so Sri Lankan, Chef Lanka does it better. The modern hip hop and pop played was a turn off, but the waiters are friendly, and overall the place is homely.

Variety - Not too many, probably coz it's still a virgin venture.

Drawbacks - No rice and curry during dinner, no buffet and no Ginger Beer :(

But on the whole it was heaven on earth for us deprived Sri Lankans in Dubai and away from the hub. And so the order for two went like this.....

String hoppers - AED 12

Hoppers (4 plain and one egg hopper) - AED 12

Prawn Curry - AED 16

Beef Curry (Spicy as hell) - AED 16

Wood Apple Drink - AED 8 each

Tea (as per the typical Sri Lankan flavour) - AED 2.50 each

Thrilled and way over the moon to finally have a Sri Lankan restaurant which is cheap, clean and scrumptious in the neighbourhood. Unfortunately, they do not deliver during the day and I don't eat solids during the night......either way, can't wait to go back for the second experience.

Must I Shoot the World or Must I shoot Myself ?!?

The much awaited 'Alice in Wonderland' was an absolute disappointment. It took me down the same rabbit hole I’ve been plenty of times before. Was expecting something magical and a lil outa the ordinary, probably something similar to 'Charley and the Chocolate Factory’.

Managed to squeeze in entertainment, grocery shopping , laundry, cooking, catching a lil shut eye, jogging and pampering the much deserving moi in to the measly 24+ hours I have for my self, but I ain’t entirely done.

Total number of hours in a week - 168 hrs

Work (9 ½ x 6) - (57 hrs)

Commuting back and forth to work (2x6) - (12 hrs)

Sleep (8x7) - (56 hrs)

Hour’s left for Judy’s lil world to function - 43 hrs

(which comprises of 24 hrs on Fridays and approximately 4 hrs a day during the rest of the 6 days).

Tired, drained and slowly and steadily becoming unproductive. There is no energy or time to think, time to manifest, time to get creative or organized or time to grow. I wish the world would stop, just for a while, so that I can catch up.

The Ideal Man !!!

Left for Sri Lanka on the 9th last for a very short annual leave of 5 days which ended on the 14th. The length of the holiday definitely didn’t tamper with the eventfulness it had to offer. Flew the rickety old budget airline Mihin Lanka which belonged to the so-called president of Sri Lanka, to whom I am grateful for serving Vegetable Biriyani at the height of hunger.

Other than the parent types I was thrilled to meet and mingle with, I was privileged enough to meet with a beautiful soul, kinda brilliant yet kinda lost. Devious as he though he was, I saw through him……he was struggling to pick up the pieces and paste them together. His beauty dazzled me and carried me a few yards before I realized I had to wake myself up and run for my life, coz just as the old saying goes every rose has it’s own thorns’, this rose too had quite a bunch of thorns sticking out from the wrong places. I didn’t uproot the rose, I just chopped my hands off to stop myself from reaching out for it.

This trip has filled me with a strange sense of joy and fulfillment and a deeper sense of satisfaction than what I had ever felt during the previous trips I’ve experienced, some which were much longer stays. Yet, amidst all that fullness, I can’t help feeling a strong sense of hollow emptiness as if something has been sucked out of me without my consent.

The much dreaded subject, marriage was one of the prominent topics which surrounded me. As usual I negotiated for this year to find this spasticated man people are longing to see me end up with. With none, not even myself knowing what the heck I’m looking for, the mother dearest and I decided to jot down a check list of the must and must have nots of the so called Mr. Right.

1. Simple
2. Witty
3. Speaks the same language
4. No God, spirituality accepted
5. Believes in positive thinking, manifestation, black magic, white magic, mental warfare
6. Outdoorsy
7. Tanned
8. Not vertically challenged
9. Not horizontally expanded
10. No IT personnel, no doctors, no engineers, PR, marketing, entertainment, lawyers just might be considered.
11. Simple but classy dress code no baggy pants shimmery shimmery nonsense
12. Must respect his roots and parents, but not a mummy’s boy
13. MUST read
14. A one woman man !
15. Must be able to drive, fix the plumbing, clean, do his own laundry and cook for survival.
16. Broad and strong minded
17. Must have at least tried Ciggies, Booz and Ganja…(What’s the use of a man if you cannot roll up a stick and bask in the glory of hallucination)?
18. MUST love animals, four legged fury creatures to be specific
19. Must be ethical in all his dealings and passionate about his chosen career.
20. Though exterior yet sensitive within, empathetic, emotionally available yet a strong personality.
21. Family oriented
22. MUST respect women
23. Gift of the Gab, Wit in his hand and not a mute ass!
24. Must know the ABCs of quoting
25. Easy going
26. Independent

Being the least interested in a long time commitment right now and convinced that all above traits can never be found in the same garbage bin……I decide to live for the moment and let the stupid adults worry about the ever so joyous singleness I enjoy and am planning to enjoy for the next few years.

The Running.................

After years of running....running and running........this is what has become of me........'A COMMITMENT PHOBIC’. And why did I think of googling about crap like this? Coz I can’t breath, my nostrils feel blocked and my throat feels narrow and food just doesn’t seem to be a requirement any more. The thought of getting trapped in a relationship errrrrrks me.......and I’m running outa time, according to plenty concerned souls. What am I gonna tell all the good people waiting to see who I end up with? "Sorry......you just gotta wait a lil loooooongeeer" ?, The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves. Some of the most typical symptoms of commitment phobia involve the commitment to relationships.

Where someone has a fear of committing to relationships, this may happen at the very start of the relationship (or even before), or may develop once the relationship is established
Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship.

In this situation (where the commitment phobic feels the emotional feelings of fear and entrapment), it is often as the result of the partner in the relationship saying that they want to progress the relationship to the next level… “Let’s move in together”, “let’s get engaged”, “why don’t we try for a baby?”

As already mentioned, there are many, many different ways that commitment phobia can manifest itself, so when we talk about symptoms of commitment phobia, do bear in mind that these are only an indication of the most typical symptoms.

Criticism of a Partner

The person with commitment phobia may be extremely critical of their partner, the environment the relationship is in, or of the relationship itself.

- “We couldn’t possibly have a baby, you chose this house... the house is far too small”
- “Why do you always have to bring up marriage now… you know I’m stressed at work? - I get more stress because of you constantly pressuring me... it's all your fault ”

Using criticism like this is an unconscious attempt by the person with the commitment phobia to deflect the ‘blame’ off of themselves onto their partner.

- “I want to get married one day, but you keep pressuring me too much”.

Taking this one stage further, the person with commitment phobia may end up hurting their partner’s feelings even when no ‘pressure’ is being put on them…

Hurting Their Partner

Often, this happens when there isn’t any ‘pressure’ on the commitment phobic… they are just attempting to keep the relationship ‘at arms length’, even if this means their partner getting hurt.

It can seem like the person with commitment phobia is attempting to sabotage the relationship, even if the relationship itself seems to be perfectly ok. An example of this would be turning up consistently late for dates or regularly coming home late from work, without offering any reason.

- “Well, you know I have to work… don’t keep asking me every time I’m 5 minutes late… just accept it”.

Of course, sometimes commitment phobia can affect the person’s behavior even before they enter into a relationship…

Scared of Getting Noticed

Someone with commitment phobia may exhibit behavior very similar to that of someone with ‘social phobia’, and appear scared to be noticed. This can mean that the person doesn’t go out much, avoids social situations, avoids eye contact, or simply appears ‘shy’.

The unconscious motivation behind this of course, is that if the person doesn’t meet many people, and then doesn’t ‘engage’ with the people that they do meet, then they are much less likely to fall into the dreaded ‘relationship’ scenario. If approached, the person with commitment phobia will often just reject the advances of the other person, so that any potential relationship never really has much of a chance to get going in the first place. They just protect themselves from others getting too close.

Unrealistic Ideals

The ‘distancing themselves from others’ technique that we just mentioned however, sometimes isn’t enough on its own. It occasionally needs some help from other ‘reasons’ for the person with commitment phobia to avoid a particular situation.

For example, sometimes the person with commitment phobia will inadvertently find themselves getting closer and closer to someone they’ve met, without even really noticing it themselves.
Sometimes it’s only when the other person seems to want to progress the relationship to the next level that the person with commitment phobia feels the need to ‘escape’ from the situation.
This is where the commitment phobic person may need to employ other techniques of escape. One such method is the ‘unrealistic ideal’. They may recognize all sorts of positive aspects in their potential partner, but will still find some standard that the person doesn’t match up to…

- “yes I know she’s a lovely person, and that she’d be a great wife, and that she loves me, and that she does all that charity work, and….(etc, etc)… but she’s a Sagittarius isn’t she… I couldn’t possibly marry a Sagittarius!”

- “I need a wife who’s earning a lot more than she does”
- “If only she was half-an-inch taller I’d marry her in an instant”

When friends and relatives tell the person with commitment phobia that they’re being “too picky” and that ‘Mr Right’ or ‘Miss Right’ doesn’t exist, the commitment phobic will insist that they do, and they’ll find them one day.

The Unavailable Partner – The Affair

One of the most certain ways for the person with commitment phobia to keep a relationship ‘at arms length’ is to get into a ‘safe’ relationship. One way to do this is for the person with commitment phobia to get into a relationship with someone who, for one reason or another is ‘unavailable’ to them in the long term.

One way of achieving this, is for the commitment phobic to enter into a relationship with a married person, or someone already in a long term relationship. This makes it very unlikely that the person with commitment phobia will then have to face the prospect of that relationship going any further.

In this situation, they are relying on the fact that it is unlikely that the other person will leave their partner to come to be with them on a permanent basis. If that person does leave their partner of course, that leaves the commitment phobic with a new problem, which may cause them to resort to some of the other techniques talked about here. Of course, the ‘unavailable partner’ can be unavailable for different reasons…

The Unavailable Partner – The Long Distance Relationship

The 'long distance relationship' speaks for itself. The commitment phobic who lives in London and their boyfriend/girlfriend lives in Australia for example. The commitment phobic unconsciously ‘knows’ that the chances of that person giving up everything to travel half way around the world to be with them is very remote.

Again, the person with commitment phobia is keeping the relationship at a nice distance. There are of course, many other ways that the person with commitment phobia can form relationships with people who for one reason or another simply aren’t available to them for a full scale relationship. The ones we’ve mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg.

They may just form a relationship with someone they ‘know’ won’t be interested in them in the long term, such as…

The Commitment Phobic Partner

For the commitment phobic person, forming a relationship with another person who also has commitment phobia (the commitment phobic partner) is a pretty safe bet. The chances of those two people getting together in the long term are quite remote… both partners unconsciously ‘know’ this, and actually, this situation can suit both commitment phobic’s.

As they both suffer from commitment phobia, this meets the needs of both people, at least in the short term.

Commitment Phobia and the Long Term Relationship

Of course, everyone is different. One person suffering from commitment phobia might react to it in a completely different way to another commitment phobic. Each person has their own commitment phobia ‘trigger’… the event or stage of relationship that triggers their ‘fear’.

Some commitment phobic’s do get into long term relationships, and after being in that relationship for a long time, it’s only then that the ‘trigger’ happens, and they feel ‘fear’. At that stage, someone with commitment phobia might describe the feeling of being ‘trapped’ in the relationship, or in some way trapped or ‘pressured’ by the other person. If this happens, the person with commitment phobia usually has to find a way to distance themselves from their partner.

In a long term relationship, this can, of course, cause a lot of hurt and upset to the partner of the person with commitment phobia.

The ‘Yo-Yo-ing’ Effect in Commitment Phobia

This can happen when a commitment phobic is in a relationship, but suddenly feels trapped or pressured. Their response is often to ‘run away’…. So they might sabotage or end the relationship, even at the expense of their partner’s feelings.

Once they have ‘run away’ from the relationship, the commitment phobic often starts to feel ‘emptiness’. They start to realize that they did love their partner after all. This emptiness… missing the other person, can often cause them to go back to them. Of course, once back in the relationship again, and after everything has ‘settled down’, the relationship quickly starts to head back towards their ‘trigger’ again.

- “Now, before you left we were talking about getting married weren’t we”.

Before you know it, the commitment phobic is off again. Then they’re back…. Then they’re off… and so on. This ‘yo-yo-ing’ effect can go on for some time because the partner of the commitment phobic is often just so glad to get them back, that they’ll put up with all the uncertainty in between.

The Serial Commitment Phobic

Another way for a person with commitment phobia to avoid having to become involved in a long term relationship is to form a series of superficial relationships that are almost certainly never going to lead to anything more long-term.

This may give the commitment phobic the appearance of being promiscuous, or overly flirtatious, perhaps having a series of sexual partners for example.

The person with serial commitment phobia may be labeled by their friends and family as promiscuous, but would rather have that, than become committed to a relationship.

Courtesy Of : http://www.anxietymatters.com/symptoms_of_anxiety/phobias/commitment_phobia/commitment_phobia_index.htm

The Knowing......

The energies don’t lie. They never do. Something strange is cooking up and signs of it are floating in the air. Today is a big day. Bigger than any other, though I cannot put my finger around it and say why exactly.

It is not comforting to know the future, to feel it in you veins, to plunge in to the unknown, knowing, to look in to their eyes and read their soul not out of choice, to inhale the vibes diffused by their withering, rotting skin, to smell the stench rising from the pits of their belly and to know exactly what’s going on.......I’d rather die than live and know !!!!!!!

The Mould

And then you accidently come across a mould. A mould that fits all your specifications. But, fortunately or unfortunately, you are already tired. Tired of the game. Too tired to keep it up, too tired to wonder if the mold is strong to keep up……..

Too many questions running though my mind, but as usual nothing affects me. They questions, feeling and emotions they just zap thought me, but it doesn’t seem to disturb nor derail my original course.

It has always been easier to run away. My mind, body and soul are accustomed to running & escaping. I am determined to break the mode. Too determined that the very thought stresses me out. I want to do something, something that would turn things around. My heart bleeds at the thought of what’s going on. It does……It ain’t my own, and sometimes, even I let it rot like it’s nobody’s business. I suffer inside every time I do it. The emotional attachment is too great. The sense of direction I feel is immense………….

I have always trusted the vibes, the energy and the force for direction…….may they guide me this time around as well.