I did to him what he did to me :(

I never knew how much I hurt him..I didn't even know that I was doing anything wrong...but he was a Scorpio...loved so dearly...possessed so dearly..and wanted me all for himself...

I now realize that life with this kind is tough.....I hurt him so bad...still love him..and want him...but wouldn't want to even dream of hurting him again...it ain't him it is me.....

I wonder if any man deserves a bitch like me.....to love him dearly and to hate him bitterly.....

Ingly Twingly !!!

Life is amazingly beautiful !!!!! Everything is falling in it's original place...everything is smooth...but can get smoother...An Amazign Transformation It Is !!!!

Hell Girl !!!

Deep into that darkness peering,
long I stood there, wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams
no mortal ever dreamed before.

Thats a lil phrase I picked up from "darkness.com"....aha...I actually went there....and I still havn't burried all my satanic ashes......I know for sure that I'll not slip back...but My Master of the Underworld sure has a strong hold on me......I feel his power, his presence, his might ....but my nights are more peaceful now....the rooms have clearer air in them...and it's easy to breath ... I'ts amazing...just amazing....The inverted cross still remains on all my profiles...(phone, online, and all my day to day accessories)...It kills me to take them all away....But I will...I know for a fact that my heart won't bleed if i let go of it all in God's name.....

Opps...One mentioned about Head banging and Rock Music...today..Ouch !!! I live for rock....How can one give up a part of ones self.......Confused...NOT !!! coz if it ain't right..it will be taken away without a question and the desire for it will be squenched by the man upsatirs.....

The battle goes on...My reason is partially found...but the dark clouds still remain....The forces are strong...they don't let you walk away too easy......you sit silently glaring at the pc screen.....messages pop up on msn and forums...some very provoking...you wanna slash them out the way a true satanist would dig their claws right in to your intesitines and let you bleed....with the intention of letting you die your ever so yummy painful death...

But no...I calmly reply all of em...just to test my new found patience.....and yes...none can provoke me n e more...coz I stand in the power of a mightier force then the power of darkness.....I wish all shakles were broken..and I am freed...for ever..but it doesn't come that easy....

I've been to the depths of hell...where no one dares to go.....and I ask for forgiveness from all who I encouraged to follow me....If I have dragged you down with me...let me help you...please...this is my plea.....I crossed the line of fear and connected with the other world....an awsome feeling of power and might washed my skin.....It's the power of satan....

Yuor heart grows cold, your feelings die...and the only form of happiness is apleasure and pain which comes from ungodly acts of indulgence......It satisfies you for awhile until you hunger and yearn for more.....you look for darker dingier places to walk the earth....you wanna get high on life but don't know how....frustration, suicide, depression slams you on your face.....you look for something to keep you sane......(indirect speach) !!! Your on the werge of breaking down.....if you are smart enuf...you'd take on magic....hexing the world....chanting...and ruling your destiny with demonic powers...or you let your self perish....(In Gothic Slang...Whither and Die) !!!

Back to work.... (",)

Powerless !!!

I stand weak.....vulnerable....you can try attacking me...coz my powers have died...i have walked from drkness to light !!!....I feel feeble...the sheild of magic I held against my chest is blown down......its time for you to attack me.....But wounded will not be I...for now I stand in the power of XXXXXXXXXXXX

It hurts to let you go...but I have to...for your own good and mine.....Your da best I ever had.......I can't hurt you any more.....and neither can I get hurt, So I walk away......(blame me...but thats the best I can think of) ....I still care for u.....but can't let u unintentionally hurt me....coz I am in love with you..and my whole life is wrapped around you....(I know that's the last you want)....your every action...yur evry word and deed affects me...hurts me...makes my day go right and wrong.....hmmmmmmm

As I always say...Scorpios don't fight.....they just walk away, never to return again.....They deal with the hurt and pain...They can handle it coz they are like pheonixes.....Get Shot ...Drop Dead...Rise and rule the skies again....I may cry for days...months...I may miss you for centuries......But I can't ever get hurt again..never ever......(They say that one can only hurt you if given permission) !!!

I've got nothing more to say Dear Journal Coz I don't rule my life anymore.... I lay my life in his arms...to carry me the right way.....Nothing's gonna stop me now......

Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac

Loving you isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things that I feel
If I could, maybe I'd give you my world
How can I, when you won't take it from me

You can go your own way, go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
You can go your own way, go your own way

Tell me why everything turned around
Packing up shacking up is all you wanna do
If I could, baby I'd give you my world
Open up, everything's waiting for you

You can go your own way, go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
Another lonely day
You can go your own way, go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
You can go your own way
You can call it another lonely day

The Calling !!!

This is the third time Im trying to post this.....for some reason...it gets screwd before I get to the end.....(Dark forces at work...Angel of Hell....I'm still with you.....I love you...but I have to go....so just let me...)

When the calling comes......the feeling is worse than living and running blind......It feels like a sharp ray of light is shining right through the cracks and disrupting my peace.....My hiding place.........My safety zone....it's peircing right through my shield....

Opps gotta go...work work and more work.........

Daggers !!!

Angel of Darkness !!!
Angel of Hell !!!
Please don't make me fall in Love again !!!
Take my heart and make it freeze !!!
Send all my feelings away with da fu**in* breeze..phooo !!!!

It Hurts :-(

It hurts to keep it all inside....it hurts to not be able to tell the only thing that matters to you in the whole world what's on your mind......it kills you.....it burries you alive.....You wish he would read your mind.......you love him more than your life.....but it's all inside...it's a pitty it's all inside.....

Don't do what you feel, but what is right !!!

Feelings do control most people who think with their heart........and my darling lil angel, just do what's right....not what you feel is right....I hope you actually find access to this blog and read my journal, coz thats where I write everything I can't get my lips to speak......Every heart needs a reason to beat...and my reason is you....(No one knows...not even you.....and it hurts to wake up and lay back down with the reason weighing our soul...screaming to expolde)

Do you know what it is to live...move on...and still feel dead ? Do you know what it is to see your dream right in front of you and still not be able to reach out, grab it and call it your own. Do you know what it is to feel all the love and care of a million people but still feel so alone, just coz u don't really feel the love of that one special person (all for yourself, all the time) who changed your whole life.

Never wanted to be a part of you, but all of you. Never wanted you to loose, but always to win. Never wanted you to whither and die, but to live. Never wanted you to be anyone elses...but mine.

But I speak no more, coz I've never actually succeeded running behind my dreams...the more I run..the further they get.....Let me leave "U & I" in the hands of the forces......I know we'll find each other some day..that's destiny.....Even if moth** f******g DESTINY doesn't really help us I'll do...coz thats where my happiness lies......

Adios Lil Angel....I'll try not to cross your path again...i'll never hope...never dream.....never yearn....for human affection ever.....because they all perish one day or another......(hope you stand on your won two feet as well....coz at the end of the day you are alone....dead alone...)

You will one day look down upon all who destroyed you.....thats' for sure....you will some day be King....and my only wish is that I am Queen

Apai Hapart Upu !!!

P.S:- Every word has been carefully picked, so that not too much will be reveiled....Hope you know that it's you I am speaking about !!!

Confused :-(

Don't you wish you could destroy the world sometimes.....its getting bloody annoying by the day. This luv lust thingy has definetely gotten in to my head..........

Pondering...and pondering about the whole thing....love is complicated....lust isn't....so why bother compliacteing life nah ? but then again....lust is crap..feels like there isn't a choice what so ever....Love can never be true if there is no commitment....?(that's the fu**i*g turth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth) If you love someone but don't want a commitment..then there's something radically wrong inbetween or there is a third party involved.. My buggy buddy for once spat out sumthing which would make some sense..he..he..

As for me...No more pondering.....Wondering & Pondering will only be torturing my already wasted brain...rather watch the world get screwd....

----------Three Can't Tango----------

All about da Scorpio....(Whats not said in the books)

Don't go there if you are weak hearted......as for the Scorpio man, not even I have still figured out what kinda creature he is.....confusing.....loving...but cold..very cold......warm inside...but cold on the outside....jealous (sum try to hide the feeling tho), cruel, unmerciful (the books got it right)...why does he have to feel that he ain't good enuf......why does he have to feel that he ain't appreciated...???? My only death wish would be to understand the Scorpio inside out....hmmm

As for yours truely scorpio princess.......well..yes.....this creature is filled with insecurities...(the reason is because most scorpios have a tendency to have gone through miserable and very bad childhoods)..........

When in a relationship..it would be all or nothing....she will not settle for anything less......She will read you mind...your face...your every action....her radars will be wrapped all around you....be cacreful about your body language when you are with her......(yeah....if you are cheating she will smell it off the air)........nah..but she won't fight......that aight her style...she will simply walk away...never to return again...even if she ever does...it will be to hunt for vengence ..(that happens with both male and female scorpios...the ties they make will never be broken......it will remain...bitter or sweet....no inbetweens...)

(Ahhhhhhhhhh......theres more to this creature......please...if you are a Scorpio reading this....do not hesitate to write to moi)....

(To Be Cont...)

It Hurts

The song below keeps ringing in my head.......for some reason it hurts.

This Way - Jewel Kilcher

Love be still
Love be sweet
Don't you dare
Change a thing
I want to photograph you with my mind
To feel how I feel now all the time

CHORUS :- Say that you'll stay
Forever this way
Forever and forever
That we'll never have to change
Don't move
Don't breathe
Don't change
Don't leave
And promise me
Say you'll stay
We'll stay This way

I get afraid
Don't think ahead
Let's just stay
This way in bed
Feels so good inside your arms
Home is everywhere that you are

Don't move
Don't breathe
Don't change
Don't leave Promise me
We'll always be
This kind, this sweet
This good to me
Promise me
You'll always be

Hmmmm..........

I got so much to write...there's so much bubbling inside.....K...shall chill down....get back to work...and start writing in the evening....

Why Do Foooollllllsss..fall in love.....

Monday Morning...brand new year...brand new week.....brand new day........Life is good baby.....u just need to light the fire....to see the sparks....

As usual was pondering on a few topics that crossed my unsettled mind....

Luv
-----
Luv..is a deep intensified..complicated feeling that shoots up from the bottom of your soul..(not heart....the heart has a mind of it's own...but the soul doesn't...a heart can be fooled..but not the soul)...

Love is when you feel like you are connected..mind body..and soul.....

Love is when you feel like you wanna let go of the whole world for that one special person.

Love is when you cannot think of n e thing but him...only him....its like you are trapped...and theres no where else to turn....you got your space..you got your time..you got the world spinning around your fingers...but still you can't escape...it's got a hold on you...you are trapped...glued on the spot....hmmm....

Theres a huge difference between luv n' lust...lust is when you just drool over the freaking outer features.....you want to give something only to get something in return....lust is selfish...but love isn't.....(I know u r reading this budddy...end of all arguments....I win) !!! Love is when you open your eyes..and look deep inside...lust without luv is jackshit....it's wrong...ungodly...unholy (look who's talking)....lust doesn't involve passion..(true passion)...and noooooooo...love does not grow with lust....it's the other way around....Lust is gonna turn around and bite you in the face..someday...but luv never will...k...lust is a downright sin...even for a satanist....it's a sin....you whiter n' die...whither n die...die die...whiethr n' die...lust kills you...deroots u....

Sedcution
-----------
Now that's an art...May it be in the way you dress (but that's cheap...that's easy...doesn't really capture ones soul)...may it be in the way you speak..may it be in the way you make others wonder..."damn...how come"???...its the way you behave..(skanky or gracious).....seduction is fun... It ain't evil...it should not be used to destroy....but to make one live...rewive hope..love n joy.....it should be used to rebuild...rebound...capture n nuture...

(Love and) Devotion
--------------------
Thats another word for commitment....it's bitter sweet...nooooo...it doesn't trap you....It keeps you from going astray...the human soul has a thing for wandering...from green pastures this minute to the hot and fudgy deserts the next....Life cannot be lived in a gypsy trance.....policies and rules are supposed to be made...(keeping in mind that rules are made to be broken..he..he..he..)....

Critizism
---------
Be true to your heart and ignore all critisism...as long as you know you are abiding the rules you have set....go with the flow...it doesn't hurt to jump the red tape the world has set for you...but it sure does hurt when you break the ones you've made for yourself...y??? coz your conscience pricks u in your bum at some point or the other making you regret every move you made....

I love the world...and ....even tho it tried...tries...and will not stop trying to fu** me...I'll luv it with all my heart...soul...and all I have......mmmmmvvvvaaaaahhhh....

Bad bad cold........

Ouch...got a bad bad cold....eyes are burning away.....he..he... but yeah...feeling pretty hyper.....Geez.....never felt like this in ages.......ooops..gotta go....sumone's watching me...spy...spy....dirty dirty spy.....

Why Would u Pretend?

Pretentiousness.....a downright sin....Why would you pretend ??? only hell knows.....why would someone hang around with poeple they detest...outa lonliness...nah....guess not...why would you go out with someone you can't stand to walk with on the road??? outa fear that there just might be no other for ya??? Jack shit....Ppl...stop pretending......Con for revenge...but be true to thy heart...you only con your own sweet self by pretending.....

It hurts to know that so many ppl you love, adore and so fond of pretend...(my radars are too powerful for them to escape).....

You wanna know why I harp so much about pretentiousness and still con through my nose.....well.....I con for fun..thats a diferent story...but I will not hurt you with my cons unless I detest you and hate your wits ...gutts and all you got......I will drag you down with me the minute I figure out that you are living a lie in fronta my eyes....

Your fucking life ain't no business of mine....but if your lil lies affect me one way or another....I swear upon the mighty evil gods of hell...that I will crush your brain with my bare naked hands and watch you bleed......

(Do I sound disturbed to ya.....wel..you don't have to worry if you never have or never will do me wrong).........

If I say I am your friend...I am for the rest of my life (until you decide to go screw things up of course)...If I say I love you... I tell you no lie I really do (unless you've hurt me in the past and I'm pulling a wicked con on ya..ha..ha..ha..)...Don't worry..If I hate you and don't want anything to do with you...I wouldn't pretend...I'll just sue you outa my life.....and warn you to stay away.....

Hex

Its 2.30 pm............I can hear Edwin Mccain's I'll Be....playing in the background..............It takes me back down memory lane............I wanna run away...escape.....from ......I still can't figure out what.........

Life is on full swing......But the empty feeling still exists. The past week has been crazy. I've had my head in the air....kept bumping in to things so unrealistic...but still desirable.

Pressure from all nooks and corners keep building up..... Everybody and everything I love and treasure seems to be taken away from me....(isn't that always the case???) nothing lasts forever...and just when you think you found something you've been looking for all your god damn life....it turns out to be something the higher power forbids you to even look at....But after a while it hits you that everything you think is perfect now may not be perfect as you think it is...after awhile.

Perfectionism..(something which has stopped me from acheiving so much more).... But there seems to be no way of escaping the god damn syndrome........

K...I'm writing a tona crap again...I better stop n get back to work now.....I feel the vibes today...I feel like I'm fulla power to hex the world...

My will is stronger than your club !!!

Its 6 p.m...and I am still in office...I feel like a million dooars today (feel more like a 100 million dollars..he..he..)....Was badly beaten down by the flue yesterday...but geez..its all in the mind..I am up and above sronger and steadier than ever today. Work issues are all being sorted out..atleast I can sleep in peace today.....The statement below inspired me a great deal in the morning...it actually made me work harder and faster.....

Quote................

"My worst enemies are those who presume me to be harmless. They cannot imagine how much I resent and disdain them, or just how great a threat they would face if I could get at them. Everything in their behavior speaks of insult and presumptuousness, and for now it is all I can do to make constructive use of my anger towards them. At this time, I just make a list of them and keep a watch on. Some day, with the help of time, space, and circumstance, I will be able to humiliate them properly - not in a manner they would enjoy, but in a style calculated to make them wish that they had never been born."

~Anton Szandor LaVey~

Unquote----------------

Gotta stop this nonsense and get back to work.....he..he..(",)

Bitchy Me !!!

Every thing is going so smooth........The people I detest are perishing right in front of my eyes, without my interferance. I feel like I got this strange power within me to destroy the evil and the stupid (stupidity is definetely ona the satanic sins..he..he..)...Well yeah....they are trying to bring me down..but I feel untouched.....I feel cold and bitchy as if I am the devil herself.

Well.......the world is a facinating place....it definetely is......The kinda people I thot never existed keep walking in to my life in so many unexpected ways.

Ayiooo...got a lot on my mind to spit out, but not in the mood today.......Wanna chill down some place which makes me happy. Theres just one place...and that place is unreachable....getting there is just outa the question....I am about to lose the lil happiness I have in my life very soon. I know that for sure....I'm about to lose the lil ray of hope that made my day and made me smile.

I've moved on...and away from a lot of my desires...and I know I can live without this lil treasure if I really want to..It's all in the mind..and I know I am stronger than the wind to fearlessly rebel against it !!!

I'm High On Mint...

Got a whole loada tic tacs and mentos.....hmmm......feeling dazed....but high.....(k...I'm kidding..but yeah..mint makes one feel relaxed..)...Pressure is about to explode me in to peices....its ona those days..where you got so much to do...and you wanna fini em all, but you feel chained.....oH... life...o life.....

No..still don't feel contended.......wonder when I will ever will feel that way.....contentment is like a cool breeze to me, sumthing which sweeps across my face and makes me smile...and go away just as fast as it came by.....

Gotta Bite Da Road again....meaaaoww........Lord help em poor pedestrians !!!

It's Me Bithday Today !!!

I have Already turned 21...ouch !!! that hurts.....I wanted to get away from home and be by myself, so I came to work.....The bug inside me still keeps churning.....Noooo...I am so not gonna have a bash, coz I know damn well that a bash is not gonna help at all..at least not at this time.......

Some very sweet ppl made my day go really bright today...but its all temperory...Hail Satan....what the f*** have I turned outa be....Feels like I wanna sit and cry in a corner, but I wonder if any tears would run down my cheeck let alone pop outa my eyes......I know that I can't feel anymore.... I can't care less about how you feel either. I am too damn wounded to celebrate n e thing, let alone this f****** birthday.

You wanna treat....here goes....For all you Ba*t**ds n' B*tc** who did me wrong, I put a hex on you.....for all you Warlocks n' Witches who tried to destroy me and hurt me intentionally or unintentionally I curse you with all my heart. (Now..now..now..wasn't that a tasty treat) !!!

I don't know what I'm gonna do the resta the day......all I know is that I wanna be untouched, unloved and alone....sneak in to my dark lil world and be barred from the resta the hooligans.......

Blessed Be !!!