The Ordeal Down Pettah

I reluctantly undertook a local deal a friend palmed on to me. Local deals always require a number of filthy trips down Pettah (Reclamation Rd, 2nd cross street, 3rd cross street, Main street to name a few) to catch up with me suppliers.

I usually make sure that my ass is well covered and I that look like I am draped in sack cloth, which I didn’t bother with this time. Covered or revealed, I still used to get harassed in the past; due to the wrangly Afro hair I had, which was tainted with colour. (Conclusion : Em perverts are gonna harass me anyway)

Parked the dinky toy at the fish market car park (where I was forced to park it in the dingiest corner, which was covered with crow shit and fish scales) and made our way slowly towards 2ndCross Street. Daddy dearest was as usual galloping a few miles in front of me, begging him to go slow was just not gonna work, he’d forget and start galloping all over again…Hmmm. We reach the dingy alleys and I’m already panting. I can clearly hear comments from “Ahhh sexy’ to Tamil and Singhalese songs about love and I just can’t help grinning, (keeping a straight face has never been my forte) but it annoys me at the same time as to how exposed they can make a woman feel.

I walked down the filthy streets trying my best to avoid, betel dribble, pure saliva, food particles, muck and heavily loaded carts charging straight at me, whilst trying to keep up with my Dad. It sure was a horrible and frustrating experience, especially since my friend kept changing the specifications of the goods he required….Argh!!!

My ultra smart Dad suggested we take a shorter route back to the car park….grrrrrr…the so called shorter route was more congested than the rest of the roads, more gross and sure accommodated more perverted men. I was freaked out about my ass being pinched (I half expected a lil scene coz I had already hit boiling point with all the comments and wanted to smash some loser’s face with my humungous bag (malla).

I drove out of the wretched hellhole swearing to never sight it again as well as to never undertake local deals.

The Mega Mystery, Finally Solved !!!

My Sweet Ex-Ma-In-Law calls me yesterday for official reasons, but the conversation as usual takes it turn to speaking about her son. I wonder to me self if she thinks I’m a traitor and whether it looks like I dumped her kid out of sheer bitchiness. I slowly pick up courage and mumble junk about what happened last. I pick up more courage and at a snail's pace tell her that I have something to clarify about a series of emails I stole from him 2 years back. She sounds relieved, and says she wants to clarify something in the same line with me. Appointments were made to meet her up at her office to compare notes.

I feel nervous and yet all exuberant and hyper at the same time, while I crookedly park the car right in the middle of the road and dash upstairs to her office. I can finally know the truth and move on with my dear life. My palms are sweating and so are my feet. I nervously go and wait outside till she is done with a telephone conversation. I dash in to her cozy room the minute she calls my name (hugs and kisses…mmmvah). I’m wondering how to start the whole thing (I am sure convinced that he is sexually inclined the wrong way, but it is her that I am worried about, does she already know? If not how will she take it?). She is one amazing lady, the M-I-L of my dreams :)

I begin by showing her the mails, and explaining about the three-year on-off relationship we had (without a spec of intimacy). She begins sharing the lil bit of info she has, sms’s from guys, (overheard) telephone conversations he has with guys till the break of dawn, rumours, incidents from the past. It is definite now that her son ain’t straight; she couldn’t cope up and eventually breaks down. It ain’t anything new to me, but I heave a sign of relief, coz the suspense, suspicions and insecurities were hauled away. I felt renewed to know that all this wasn’t my fault.

Even as I drive out of there, I search my soul and question the past. What did we have? What exactly did he feel every time he said “Love U”? What did the gazillion tapes he made for me, mean? Did he deceive me, Did I feel deceived? How did this go on for three years? Do I still feel the same kind of love for him now, after all this drama? YES, without a shadow of a doubt. Untainted, uncorrupted LOVE in it’s purest form. Will I ever experience it all over again?

I remember one time when we fell asleep after aimlessly staring at a coupla movies, he grips the bedcover, hides his face in the pillow and muttered, “I can’t give you what I want”. Even though I pretend not to understand, I did, but I simple didn’t care. Just sitting therewith him meant the world to me. It didn’t matter that we didn’t hold hands and it didn’t matter that I didn’t feel desired. All that mattered was what I saw in him, a beautiful creature staring back at me…Hmmmm

I move on only coz I must. Come what may, he will still hold that special place in my heart, BUT I’m finally free from all the baggage that burdened my soul, free to love again and live again :)

My Munkey, Solitude & Holiness

The past few weeks have been tremendously crazy. Life has been moving extremely fast, events just zapping in fronta my eyes that I just couldn’t seem to keep track of much. Added to that, I’m feeling absurdly exhausted, the breaks of the car are throwing a tantrum of it’s own, the weather is changing, making my limbs crackle and I’m bogged down with heaps of "exceptionally" (meant to sound sarcy) creative assignments. I ain’t grumbling too much, coz amidst all of these; I am still having a time of my life.

Finally called my “munkey” on his show yesterday, keeping away all my pride. All I wanted to do was say Hi and I’m glad I did so (thanks to all the convincing Jeramz did). Realized today that he is still the same, his attitudes have just got the better of him…arrgghhh !!! Heard one of his fellow DJ’s make a catty comment about his sexuality after playing a equally catty song. It was sort of a cryptic message, and only the ones who knew him well would get it…hmmmm…It hurts, but guess not as much as it did when he meant a lil more than a friend. I suddenly went in to a nostalgic trance yesterday and unpacked all the pics of “me lil munkey” from the “Taboo Box” and em memoirs kept streaming back. What we had was never a relationship, what was I thinking? It was far beyond that. I would move on, just the way I decided to do, there’s no turning back coz it is not in God’s plans for me.

I had almost 3 hours to kill before picking up Mummy dearest, after doing lunch with me new found buddy Waj. I wished Sri Lanka had more chill out joints with better (lighter) snacks. I desperately wanted to get away & curl up with a book & be by myself without having to stuff myself (as I was absolutely full to the point where I couldn’t comfortably inhale or exhale) but couldn’t figure out any place in Colombo to do so (K...I wanted to hide that to chill) :)

Paradise Road – Either stuff ones self or wonder about
Baristas – More stuffing
Commons – Bah! They got no comfy chairs to sit on. Nah, one can’t really chill and drift away there.

I just couldn’t think of any other place. Book shopping was just not an option, coz I couldn’t find parking in any of my booka-picka joints. Outa sheer frustration I finally slapped all thoughts of solitude on the face and boggied off to Sensei, to drive em old buddies up the hedge with my ranting…hehehe.

Tiring, but a productive day. Loved the class at the Seminary with Mr.Ivor Poobalan who is an awesome lecturer. My “AHA” for today actually came from him.

Holy = Set apart
According to Mr. Poobalan, one becomes Holy the minute he decides to follow Jesus it is only an enhancement of holiness there after. It just amuses me how lil people know about holiness and babble about how “I believe in God, but I ain’t Holy” or “ I believe in Jesus, but I am not religious”. Thank God I understood it’s meaning, sooner than later (& pweeese...I don't expect ppl to know the meaning either) :)
God Bless Ya (",)

Mentally Deranged? Am I? :)

This week has been amazingly fulfilling, though I’m still struggling to catch up with completing my assignments. These assignments from Bible College are amazing; every question leads me to a brand new answer, an answer that has never crossed my mind before. I never get to finish em assignments completely in one sitting coz, the minute I start researching, its time to ponder, unlearn and learn em new and fascinating stuff I come across.

Yesterday, some one called me a mentally deranged, retard that needs to see a psychiatric. He called me an utter disgrace to the entire Christian religion. A part of me really wanted to hit him hard (that’s me old self trying to break free), but I genuinely felt, honoured and tickled to the core, that I just couldn’t stop laughing at the situation. I learnt me lesson hard and fast yesterday. When I’m burdened by the Holy spirit to keep my distance from certain people, I’d rather obey and pray for them so that the eyes of their heart would be open to see the mighty one, to know him and to love him, instead of befriending them “Never step in to the battlefield before the Captain signals, loud & clear” (Nah, I never argue about religion or truth unless I am challenged or forced to, I feel bad coz this dude, started it and provoked himself, when he ran outa rebuttals to combat) Geez, how careful can one be?

I remember having a lil discussion with my Mentor around bout this time last year. I remember looking at him blank on the face and muttering accusations of how bad and insecure he was making me feel. He was explaining about the purpose of life and the purpose of any project for that matter. I was provoked, coz I didn’t know where I was going or what I wanted to do and never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would ever find my purpose. I remember walking out of his office all drained out and fagged, as if the whole world was on me shoulders. I lost all-purpose and the tad bit of aggressive ambitious restlessness I had in 2003, when the first dude I ever really loved ditched me in style (stupid silly me thought that it was the end of the world). Now I’m glad that he did what he did that day, coz what ever hopes n’ dreams I had back then wasn’t even close to the true purpose of life I have now. Hadn’t that happened and hadn’t I lost my way, I’d still be lost or probably six feet under with my soul jigging up in Hell.

This Monday as I was as usual doing some daily research and looking for my “AHA” for the day & stuff for an assignment, I came across some interesting stuff about how the bible changes lives. Pasted below is my own version of it, which I compiled for the assignment.

Quote from the assignment…..
The Bible Changes Lives

Unlike other religions and religious books, the Bible is backed up by facts and can be put to the test. Whilst the Bible claims to fill the spiritual void that is within every human being, believing in Jesus miraculously answers life’s most probing questions by giving one a genuine identity, purpose and destiny (which every human being is yearning to find, the believers having found it, the skeptics still continue the search) J

Identity – Who we are?

Our identity crisis finally ends since we realize that we are created in Gods image. We can now fearlessly think, love and communicate with God and get to know him.

Purpose – Why am I here?

Instead of walking through life aimlessly, we can now be assured that we are created to love God and enjoy Him and His creation forever. God sure communicates through the Bible about our code of conduct and what is required of us.

Destiny – Where am I going?

We are blessed with the assurance of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ, a promise to live in His presence forever. One does not have to be terrified of death, since there is a greener pasture beyond it,

There have been many instances where people who set out to disapprove the Bible ended up becoming believers themselves. The message of God’s love and forgiveness through Jesus Christ still keeps changing lives today.
Unquote……

I sure was in tears when I realized that I had it all now, in HIM. I had successfully found my purpose and am steadily hippety hopping towards my destiny, never realizing I was doing so. What more could I ask for?

-> Be Strong & courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31 : 6)

The So Called Valentine's Day

What commercial and cultural propaganda presents as beautiful is rooted in ugly paganism but most blind followers do not know. They are just blind followers of their equally blind cultural leaders. Little do they realize that what they consider as innocent fun may in fact be rooted in paganism. That the symbols they embrace may be symbols of unbelief. That the ideas they borrow may be products of superstition.

Valentines Day was originally created as a substitute. Centuries before Christ, the pagan Romans celebrated February 15 and the evening of February 14 as an idolatrous and sensuous festival in honor of the pagan god “Lupercus”, the "hunter of wolves" by holding a lottery where the names of willing teenage girls were placed in a box and drawn at random by teenage men. By this lottery a young man was assigned a young woman companion for their mutual pleasure (often sexual) for the duration of a year. The Romans called the festival the "Lupercalia."

When Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire there was some talk in church circles of discarding this pagan free-for-all. But the Roman citizens wouldn't hear of it! So it was agreed that the holiday would continue as it was, except for the more grossly sensual observances.

It was not until the reign of Pope Gelasius that the holiday became a "Christian" custom. As far back as 496, Pope Gelasius outlawed the Lupercian festival, but cleverly retained the lottery, because he was aware of the Roman’s love for games of chance. But now instead of names of women in the box, there were placed names of saints.

Who Was the Original "St. Valentine"?
Valentine was a common Roman name. Roman parents often gave the name of their children in honor of the famous man who was first called Valentine in antiquity. That famous man was Lupercus, the hunter. But who was Lupercus? - and why should he have also borne the name Valentine among the heathen Romans?

The Greeks called Lupercus by the name of "Pan". The Semites called Pan "Baul," according to the Classical Dictionaries. Baal - mentioned so often in the Bible - was merely another name for Nimrod, "the mighty hunter" ( Genesis 10:9) It was a common proverb of ancient time that Nimrod was "the MIGHTY hunter before the Lord." Nimrod was their hero - their strong man - their VALENTINE!

How plain that the original Valentine was Nimrod, the mighty hunter of wolves. Yet another of Nimrod's names was "Sanctuc" or "Santa", meaning Saint. It was a common title of any hero-god. No wonder that the Roman Lupercalia is called "St. Valentine's Day"!
But why do we associate HEARTS on a day in honor of Nimrod - the Baal of the Phoenicians and Semites?

The surprising answer is that the pagan Romans acquired the symbol of the heart from the Babylonians. In the Babylonian tongue the word for heart was "bal" (Strong's Concordance Number H1168). The heart - bal - was merely a symbol of Nimrod - the Baal! or Lord of the Babylonians!

Executed at Rome
Nimrod - the original St. Valentine - was also known as Saturn, the Roman-Babylonian god who hid from his pursuers in a secret place. The Latin word Saturn is derived from the Semitic speaking Babylonians. It means "be hid," "hide self," "secret," "conceal." The original Semitic (Hebrew) word, from which the Latin Saturn is derived, is used 83 times in the Old Testament (see Young's Concordance under "Sathar," also "sether").

According to ancient tradition, Saturn (Nimrod) fled from his pursuers to Italy. The Apenine mountains of Italy were anciently named the mountains of Nembrod or Nimrod. Nimrod briefly hid out at the site where Rome was later built. The ancient name of Rome, before it was rebuilt in 753 B.C. was Saturnia - the site of Saturn's (Nimrod's) hiding. There he was found and slain for his crimes. Later, professing Christians in Constantine's day made Nimrod - the St. Valentine of the heathen- a Saint of the Church and continued to honor him under the name of a Christian martyr.

Why February 14?
But why should the Romans have chosen February 15 and the evening of February 14 to honor Lupercus - the Nimrod of the Bible? (Remember that day in ancient times began at sunset the evening before.)

Nimrod - Baal or sun god of the ancient pagans - was said to have been born at the winter solstice. In ancient time the solstice occurred on January 6 and his birthday therefore was celebrated on December 25 and now called Christmas. It was the custom of antiquity for, the mother of a male child to present herself for purification on the fortieth day after January 6 - Nimrod's original birthdate - takes us to February 15, the celebration of which began on the evening of February 14 - the Lupercalia or St. Valentine's Day.

On this day in February, Semiramis, the mother of Nimrod, was said to have been purified and to have appeared for the first time in public with her son as the original "mother and child."
The Roman month February, in fact, derives its name from the februa which the Roman priests used in the rites celebrated on St. Valentine's Day. The febru were thongs from the skins of sacrificial animals used in rites of purification on the evening of February 14.

Cupid Makes His Appearance

(A cute chubby cherub known as mischievous Jinn disguised as a winged child armed with bow and arrows. In western culture he shot darts of desire into the bosoms of both pretend gods and humans causing them to all deeply in love. In ancient Greece he was know as Eros the young son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. To the Roman’s he was Cupid, and his mother was Venus).

Another name for the child Nimrod was "Cupid" - meaning "desire" (Encyclopedia Britannica, article "Cupid"). It is said that when Nimrod's mother saw him, she lusted after him - she desired him. Nimrod became her Cupid - her desired one - and later her Valentine! So evil was Nimrod's mother that it is said she married her own son! Inscribed on the monuments of ancient Egypt are inscriptions that Nimrod (the Egyptians called him Osiris) was "the husband of his mother."

As Nimrod grew up, he became the child-hero of many women who desired him. He was their Cupid! In the Book of Daniel he is called the "desire of women" ( Dan. 11:37). Moffatt translates the word as Tammuz - a babylonian name of Nimrod. He provoked so many women to jealousy that an idol of him was often called the "image of jealousy" ( Ezekiel 8:5). Nimrod, the hunter, was also their Valentine - their strong or mighty her! No wonder the pagans commemorated their hero-hunter Nimrod, or Baal, by sending heartshaped love tokens to one another on the evening of February 14 as a symbol of him.

Nimrod, the son of Cush the Ethiopian, was later a source of embarrassment to the pagans of Europe. They didn't want an African to worship. Consequently, they substituted a supposed son of Nimrod, a white child named Horus, born after the death of Nimrod. This white child then became a "fair Cupid" of European tradition.

Red Rose
The rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love. Red is a color that stands for strong feelings. This is why the red rose is a flower for Valentine’s.

It is about time we examined these customs of the pagans now falsely labeled Christian. It is time we quit this Roman and Babylonian foolishness - this idolatry - and these pagan customs in memory of Baal the sun god.

End of all Oppressions – Spiritual Warfare - The Battle Begins

Blogging sure has taken the backseat these days. Life was pulled apart and scattered till last Friday. There was a dark cloud that I just couldn’t shake off my life. I tried everything, rebuking all evil in His name, burning all dark objects that I possessed that gave any legal right for the evil one to inflict me…etc….but nothing seems to be working.

My eating habits had changed drastically (I am naturally a poor eater; never could I eat more, unless of course life’s pressures throw me in to a bulimic pang). I was eating like a hound that has been starved a decade. Later found out that it had freaked my Mum as well…hehehe I noticed a change in my breathing, it was heavier than usual. Even though I was my usual hyper self, there was a horrible sense of darkness following me around (which I couldn’t comprehend or shake off) making me quite boisterous, annoyed and short tempered (which I’m usually not, unless some moron really dares piss me)

After fini reading “Unbroken Curses - by Rebecca Brown” I figured what exactly I was going through. Friday morning turned out to be the most glorious and amazing days of my life.

I took authority over all dark forces and rebuked them in Jesus precious name. I submitted my case in my Masters court to end all afflictions I was going through. I had no talk or business with the evil one, but I cried out to my Master “Enough is Enough” I can’t take it any more; It’s time he banishes the “dark one” from my life for good. I asked him to reveal any grey or dark areas in my life where I had given legal rights to be afflicted.

It was amazing. Even as I prayed, I broke in to tears; I saw a bright light even as I was closing my eyes. I didn’t know why I was crying, but it felt like a one to one conversation with my Master. I was crying quite loud, but amazingly enough, no one in the house-hold heard me (just what I prayed for). I didn’t wanna stop, coz it was too good to be true. That was the best conversation I’ve ever had.

Note :- [The reason for the change in my attitudes could have been a due to a transferring of spirits, during a deliverance session (not done by me, but was initialized by me) ]

Miraculously, my eating habits changed back to normal, my heavy breathing stopped, and a sense of peace reigned over the entire house and my life. The dark cloud had completely disappeared.

Even my parents fond it hard to believe all I’m saying, I don’t expect them to understand me right now. Most of my friends seem worried about me. Others think that it is my imagination.

“If I say that I am free (in Him) who will BELIEVE” ?!?

I say to you, sure I am weak and puny. I am nothing but a useless speck of dust, hardly visible for one’s naked eye. Stop looking at me; look at the mighty one within me instead.

All things are possible in his name. He is my fortress, my providence, my friend and my all. He who lead me all the way will never lead me in to a ditch, even if he does, he will make sure that I land on soft moss. He who brought me so far surely wouldn’t let me down now.

--> He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. (Isaiah 40 : 29)

--> “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29 :11)

A Pack of Smokes and a Shoulder to cry on :(

Life has been absolutely trying since last Wednesday. It all started with me overhearing some nasty, untrue gossips about me and ended with friends, the not so known and family pissing me off. Today was the explosion day, didn't even wanna get up and drive Mum to work, didn't speak with anyone at home, have been snapping at almost everyone and sleeping a lot the past few days, just to avoid conflict. I just couldn’t snap out from the dark mood I was carrying around.

The conflict was so horrible today, that all I wanted to do was get my hands on a pack of smokes, sit in a corner, cry to me hearts content and smoke (That’s what I would have done a year back), but finally settled for Lollipops (Couldn’t help laughing at myself)

Its almost 10 p.m and I seem to be a lot more chilled than I was in days. Hope my mood changes for the better sooner than later, before I manage to snap at the whole world and get everyone pissed at moi.

Note : No Pasan, I ain’t manic depressive. Common I’m only human. I have the right to be pissed and down just like the rest of em goons….hmmmphhh

Abominable Occultic Objects

Things and people were pissing me off big time since Saturday. I usually ain’t the type to get my temper flaring, but it was getting a little too much to handle. Finally managed to finish reading “Seduction Exposed” By Dr. Gary Greenwald, which was one amazing book. Nah, It did no good to my anger, but sure did convince me to get rid of a few suspected occulted items in the house. As usual my Sunday night was sleepless...Hmmmmmm

-> I started with my 3 toe rings, I wasn’t able to part with all this while and when I had a closer look at it, sure enough, there were stars and moons imprinted on them.

-> Next were a few more pure silver rings, and medallions which were dearly collected when I was in darkness. There were signs of the sun, animals, and suspicious carvings imprinted on them as well.

-> A live scorpion dipped in hot wax and caged in a beautifully framed show box, which was presented by a friend on my last birthday. I’m sure he gave it to me because of my past passion for the creature and I held on to it coz of the same passion and compromised saying that it was just an ornamental piece, but guess its time to let it go.

-> After all the ranting I do about keeping away from anything that belongs to the dark side, I still went ahead, unaware, unthinking and bought glow stickers for my car which were shaped in to moons and starts just last week. Hmmm….they too have to go. Thank God I hadn’t got to pasting em due to the uncomfortable feeling I had about em after bringing em home.

-> Next were 2 sets of “sun and moon” clay carvings. One was in my room, one was hung in the old Gallery I owned and now packed and kept aside. Smashed them in to pieces as well.

-> Last of all was an absolutely beautifully carved Voodoo mask which was handed over by one of my dear suppliers to be sold in the Gallery around the beginning of last year. I always felt uncomfortable hanging it in the Gallery, that I was eternally changing its hanging place. I did sorta pray over it once it was brought home, but the uncomfortable feeling never left me. I didn’t want to destroy it coz it wasn’t mine and it was a good Rs. 1000/= +, but yesterday I decided to put it through the fire, just like the rest of em.

My Mum thought I was going absolutely cookoo in the brain when I mentioned what I was gonna do on Sunday, but managed to speak to my Dad yesterday and Geeeez……..he was all up for it. He did agree with all what I was saying and volunteered to help me put up a fire to destroy all of em dark stuff.

So that’s exactly what we did. We first covered ourselves with Jesus’ precious blood and then broke all bondages it had on us in His precious name, and cast them to the flames.

It feels good to have em removed, Praise the Lord !!

The WARRIOR in moi

Argghh….this week has been absolutely hectic & trying, saddening but yet so fulfilling. Managed to face quite a threateningly hilarious incident on Tuesday. While on my way home after dropping Mum at work around 9.15 a.m, I noticed a dark, hefty looking middle aged man on a motor bike glare me down in my dinky toy around the Maradana overhead bridge while I was stopped at the colour lights. I didn’t notice him following me or rather riding very close to my car till I reached just before Thotalanga. Tried to slow down & let the man pass me, which he did only to catch up with me at the Traffic lights just before the Thotalanga New Bridge.

He who was all ready to turn to a by lane from the main road turned his bike and parked it right next to the window on my side and was having a roaring peeping session (was dressed in a knee length skirt, which was absolutely decent, there was nothing to exhibited) :)

The worked up animal in me turned around and mouthed “Have you a problem?” to which he too gritted his teeth and threatened me in return.

The traffic had already started moving and we had quite an audience by now. I waited awhile for him to move forward and go on his way, but there was absolutely no sign of him moving for a few minutes. He was waiting till I moved. He was so playing with the wrong PERSON !

I pulled out the cell phone and pretended to call someone (exactly in the manner of calling an influential & powerful spike). He gave me another threatening look. I ignored all daggers, brought the car to a standstill right in the middle of the road & pretended to be on the phone in an absolutely harassing way.

Wowy !!! The scared loser turned around and went on his way towards the opposite direction, probably after relaising that he wasn’t getting any pleaure in harassing me.

I was flustered, annoyed & saddened, but still felt like a HERO to have scared a man off !!

Why did he do that? I wish I knew. Hmmmmm…….

Worldly Pressures of Single-hood (",)

It so happens to be that the species of the opposite sex I eventually begin to have the HOTS for are either, too old, taken or absolutely screwed up in their head. You wish you had access to the physically attractive ones you suddenly pass by on the road, but then again, who knows if they too are the average air heads.

Nah, being “Single” doesn’t annoy me at all, but the fact that it annoys everybody around me (including my mater) sorta drives me up the wall.

“Hey Judy, any one new & interesting?” (Friends)

“What men, no boyfriend yet?” (Relatives & Parent's friends) Plzzz…..I think I’ve had enough to last me a century :)

“Ahhh….next is you ah !” (At weddings)

“Time for you to find someone and settle down ah, enough trail and errors” (Mater)

Arrrghhh……Lord have mercy on my soul. The taunts are becoming worse these days. WHY? coz my closest second cousin, who happens to be my age, is getting engaged this coming Saturday. Woooahhhh….time for me to pack my bags and run away…...hehehe (I guess I just can’t take any more comments in that department). I love this woman, she’s the best cousin I’ve got and I’m overjoyed at the fact that she is hitching up (even though it ain’t with a dude of her parent’s dreams).

After a mega discussion about the whole issue of “Finding a man & settling down” with Mums last week, I sorta sat down in my quiet corner and fell deep in to pondering about the whole thing. I came up with the following Why’s (I choose to be single, at least for now) & Why Nots (I havn't bumped in to Prince Charming yet) which would keep me sane amidst all of em horrendous & irritating comments.

(1) I gotta lot to grow u know, I’m still very much a kid myself (they even say that I look 18) Unless the dude is willing to grow up with me…Screw it !!!

(2) I am quite happy being single, and don’t feel the need to go out with the very next dude who asks me out (They just don’t deserve my YES) !!!

(3) I still haven’t come across a man who is at least 80% mentally and physically appealing (according to my standards of measurement).They are just not my cup of tea (Btw. I like coffee) :)

(4) Every man I have come across so far (potential & non potential) have been absolutely puny, self centered and just not strong enough for me (I’d rather marry off a woman & make test tube babies). Even the strongest of em, when made transparent were a ball of insecurities (Not that I don’t have my own set of insecurities, but in my world, MEN just gotta be PERFECT) !

(5) Men these days have become so dependent, financially & mentally. They are either broke or depressed (That freaking annoys me). Most of them seem to be looking for a woman to cook & feed them, take care of their family as well as to boost their ego & pockets ONLY (Geeez….still to meet a guy who thinks women are much more than that) !

(6) They just don’t seem to be having the same world view I have (Why in the world would I wanna get hitched just to get entangled in a web of endless arguments?). This includes my religious beliefs. The ones who say that they do share the same belief, eventually turn outa be horrible posers.

(7) Most of them just can’t seem to stand (take up / tolerate) my “Are you genuine” test (I love this part) If you really say you like me, Put up with me !!!

(8) Where in the world has all the creativity, humour, zest and masculinity gone ?!?

(9) I don’t wanna be making the same mistake of ending up with the not so perfect dude ever again. If I was to ever even consider hitching up again, it would be nothing less than with the absolutely perfect GENTLEMAN, just made for me (made in heaven)

Note that I’ve emphasized on the word GENTLEMAN, which excludes the Kabbas, Gangstas, Rastas and the so called Cool Dudes (or was it Cool Duds).

(10) Last but not the least; I just don’t have the freaking time and energy to not be single right now.

Since I’ve got all my thoughts straight, guess I wouldn’t really bother explaining the reasons to people who question me from now on. So help me Lord, or rather HELP THEM !!!

My sweet schizophrenic friend on her way to recovery :)

I just couldn’t sleep last night. I felt a gripping fear and I so don’t know why. Oh boy ! Didn’t I suffer the consequences today? The only way I survived behind the wheel was by swallowing 2 boxes of tic tacs. Sleepy were my eyes & horrible was the feeling.

Finally got an appointment with Pastor Kegal for the Schizo Kid. He lay hands on her and prayed. Nothing much happened then. I wasn’t expecting much either, coz it needs to be a slow and steady recovery. He wanted to see her again in 2 weeks. More about her then.

2nd Day at Bible College

I expected an old guy to be my lecturer, coz the name of the lecturer on me time table was “Karin Ramachandra”, but the lecturer was quite a hyper Danish female...Yaaayyy :)

I was fuming and quite provoked by the end of the class. My twisted, aggressive and boorish ways of thinking about Religion, God, the Bible & the world were sure challenged. I am trying hard to be open to anything I'm gonna hear at this place. I wanna unlearn all my wrong ways of thinking and understand my Master’s mind just the way he wants me interpret it.

He that is in ME is GREATER

Finally made it to “Pragna” Bookshop and seized some of the recommended reading by my Mentor.

Unbroken Curses – by Rebecca Brown
Prepare for War – by Rebecca Brown

Rebecca Brown was an ex witch who later gave her life to the Lord. More updates about the books in the future.

For the time being I started on a book called “Seduction Exposed – by Dr. Gary L. Greenwald”. It’s opening my eyes to matters I’ve been confused about till now. It speaks about a range of practices & ways we are exposed to, which are not of the Lord.

(1) The Dangerous Transference of Spirits
(2) Soul Ties
(3) Charismatic Witchcraft
(4) Abominable Occultic Objects & Practices

Await my review on it in a coupla days.

Mr. Nicolle had finally managed to get an appointment with Pastor Kegal on Saturday, but the Schizophrenic kid’s Mum refused to make it. She had two reasons:-

(1) She was going out of Colombo with relatives who would look down upon her (& probably call her crazy) if they ever found out.

(2) The kid had turned boisterous and worse that what she was and this jolting her off and discouraging her. (The best part was that my Mentor hardly spoke to the girl, let alone lay hands and pray for her. It’s funny how weak the demons are and how freaked out they are of my Master. It sure looks like his very name makes em evil one’s shudder)

My Mentor predicted that the torture & the trials would increase when the demons figure out that a Christian angle is about to be introduced. Aunty sure was trying to back off from the whole thing as predicted, them demons were trying their very best to discourage her. No one of us are gonna give up, the child is gonna be restored to her normal sweet self before they even know it in the name of my precious Master “Christ”. My God is a God who opens massive gates & doors when tiny little windows get wide shut around us making our world dark and gloomy.

Why worry, when we have the following promises to stand on :-

The thief’s purpose is to, steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness (John 10: 10)

You belong to God, and have already won your fight with those who are against Christ, because there is someone in your hearts who is stronger than any evil teacher in this wicked world (1 John 4:4)

Mr. Nicolle finally managed to work something out for Monday. With God’s grace, I know everything will go smoothly.

First day at Bible College

I have been a rebel all my life and never have I agreed with anyone’s doctrines until Jesus got me hooked on to the Bible. It would be a lie if I say that I wasn’t a tad freaked out about attending Bible College due to me being unsure of my own reactions.

It was a pleasant surprise to find out that one of my cuz too was taking the same subject. It was all GOOD; I am learning to look at things in a less aggressive way. Being introduced to a guy with Islamic roots, who now is a believer, was sure a very encouraging encounter.

I honestly don’t know where God is taking me. Where ever it may be, as long he is there with me, I shall not fear.

A Strange but Wonderful Day

The day started out quite funny. Woke up at 5 (strange) and things were going hubbly-bubbly, topsy-turvy till mid morning. It was a big day, coz me had an appointment with My Mentor, Mr. Nicolle who was gonna meet the Schizophrenic. Geez, I’ve never been that nervous & jittery and I still can’t figure out why.

My Mentor confirmed the fact that the little girl was possessed the minute he laid eyes on her. I was awed by the way he handled the whole situation with the power of our Master, it was just amazing. He left the girl with her aunt downstairs and wanted me to escort him while he had a chat with the girl’s Mum and explained things to her. He then laid out a few options for her :-

(1) She could either believe whole-heartedly and restore her daughter back to her sweet self.

(2) Go back to all the mumbo jumbo she was used to and be free prisoners for ever.

It was a pathetic sight coz she kept on mentioning that she was willing to do “ANYTHING” as long as one can cure her daughter. Little did she know that doing “ANYTHING” wasn’t gonna take her anywhere, coz there’s just one way and that is the only way. My Mentor explained to her what I couldn’t explain for the past 2 months. We finished the discussion, with Mr. Nicolle promising to set up an appointment with Pastor Kegal (the deliverance Guru) asap.

I saw a change in Aunty’s face as we parted at the car park. She promised to stay away from her old path and truly believe. I was thrilled to the bone, just too thrilled to even express my happiness, coz the decision came from within her.

Picked Ma and rushed off for the “Young Adults” meeting, rather dinner at Jacintha’s place. I was exhausted, but hyped up to glory, coz she had a promise from My Master for me. These promises are lil slips of paper with promises from the bible, distributed at the 31st midnight service. Since I missed it, I picked one last Sunday at Church as well. Two promises for the year…Yaaaayyyy !!! (As a matter of factly the Bible is filled with promises, I have just started decoding them on my own, which will be linked to this blog sometime soon)

(1) Promise picked by me

The work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever (Isaiah32:17)

(2) Promise Given by Jacintha

Behold the former things are come to pass and new things do I declare, Before they spring forth I tell you of them (Isaiah 42 :9)

The very confirmations I wanted from the Lord. His ways are mightier and greater than ways of the world. This is his way of communicating with restless moi, who yet ain’t alert & responsive enough to his direct calling. Bumping in to promises from God is equivalent to receiving an email or a call from him. I’m truly feeling honoured, blessed and way up on cloud number 9.

Never knew that Jaci girl could cook…hehehe…The food was lip-smacking. Thanx a million Jacintha, looking forward for another home cooked meal and not forgetting Deanne’s chocolate biscuit pudding which was delicious

Hair Conditioner Aggravation

Ever since I started figuring out that Hair Conditioner could actually make my hair look pretty I’ve been cheating on every brand just to find out which sucker treats me best. I sure am feeling guilty as charged for my flamboyant disloyalty.

Pantene – Used it for a year and figured out that it is slowly steadily driving me bald.

Palmolive – Bamboo Shoot it was, no better than Pantene.

Natural (or some shit sounding like that) - An American product which almost set my hair on fire, the chemical reaction made my hair smoke away.

Wella – Was introduced to me by a hot (but a tad gay looking) hairdresser at Kess who refused to straighten my hair……hmmmphhh….but soon moved away from it, coz it started to dry my hair (or at least I thought it was doing so)

Vo5 – Not value for money, and too thick and pulpy.

St Ives – Dried & knotted my hair to glory. Expensive crap.

Sunsilk – Looks like cheap fake stuff which didn’t do my hair any good.

Shello (Local Crap) – Cheap stuff, Rs 140+ for a fair sized bottle. I felt like a Cancer patient under Chemotherapy. Hair loss was in millions not forgetting the fact that it has a quick sand effect.

Back to Pantene – The past was sure forgotten, experienced massive hair losses all over again.

Finally Loyal to Wella – I remember buying the big tub for a mere Rs. 400+ or was it Rs 600+, but crippled cows……it’s a freaking Rs. 895/= now. Hmmmm…I feel ripped off, really ripped off, but guess it’s the mildest and the best in the market. At least for leave on purposes.

Boiling Point :/

Had another “eye for an eye” argument with Daddy. It was all about the male – female balance, about Adam & Eve & Individualism. He provoked me to a point where I almost took the cloth covering the Tele & strangled him….Arrrrgh. He seems to be getting on my nerves these days. He’s got a problem with the way I drive, the way I eat and with the way I do almost everything. Either his age is catching up or he can’t take up the fact that I’m getting independent and growing up.

I am still at a boiling point.

Recap of 2005 & Resolutions for 2006 :)

The past year “2005” has been the most awesome & exciting year in my entire life. Why? Because……

(1) I found the truth, I found “Jesus Christ” who turned my life around for the better.

(2) Joined Bible College.

(3) I’ve built up the career of my dreams, “Wheeling & Dealing”.

(4) I shed all the unwanted baggage I was carrying from my past.

(5) Got away from all of em people who were obstructing my betterment, whilst finding some new and awesome friends.

(6) Dealt with monkey Business. I finally threw him out of my bag of responsibilities.

(7) Did everything GOOD as well as BAD which I’d dare not do. (Am I proud of the bad…nah…I regret having done em teeny tiny crimes, but it’s all good, since I’d never repeat any of em)

(8) Finally made decisions to move out from the house I’ve grown up for the last 19 years. Wow !!! That’s like a dream come true coz I hate this lonely neighborhood.

(9) Finally sold the Piano (A nightmare sitting right in the middle of the hall, torturing my life every time we have visitors) Phew….

(10) Last but not the least, this year brought back everything I lost, Ambitions, Hopes, Dreams & most of all my Life.

Resolutions for 2006.......

(1) Spend quality time with “My Master” seeking his face.

(2) Finish CIM (at least by 2007 June)

(3) Start Dancing once again (and this time, not to give up half way through).

(4) Less Clubbing, more Reading & Movies.

(5) Less Talking & more Writing.

(6) Less Idling & more Exploring (Ahhh…..those long drives…just me and my dinky toy).

(7) Join a Spanish & French Class (Try my hands on Arabic, if possible).

(8) Tune my guitar (yeah I’m a lazy bum, this has been my resolution for the past 2 years) & also learn to play the Drums (I ain’t never gonna buy another Piano again, I’m just not cut out for Piano, never was, never will)

(9) Buy my own 4 wheel drive (A rugged Pick up Truck, has been my dream for a long time)

(10) Wake up at 5 a.m & start the day with a work out (who am I kidding ! Lets give it a try though)

(11) Take a trip to UK, France or Aussie (using my own money of course).

(12) This last pointer is for my master to decide, amidst all my fleshly desires, he has his own purpose for me, Let his will be done !!!

New Year Bright Blues ;)

So tomorrow is the 31st night biggie........

What I had planned....

Stay in with my monkey and watch movies. I was quite exited about the whole thing, coz obviously I am head over heals in love with this dude.

Shocker....

Got a ringer while he was doing his evening show and viola ! He's got a question for me?

The Question....

Can "name" (female friend) hang around with us tomorrow, she doesn't have any one to hang around with.

Awesome !!!

My Spontaneous Answer......

Yeah sure, (coz I just ain't the over jealous type) how could it hurt any one. No worries.

My Muddled up thoughts after a few seconds.....

- Why would he want any one hanging around with us on a special day like tomorrow?
- I'm tired of all the games.
- He's gotta make his decisions & get his priorities straight.
- Wow what a damper !!!
- Obviously I am freaked out because of a few past experiences, never stayed long enough to get hurt, but still, 2 is company and three is definitely a crowd.

What I did..

Sent an SMS (which got delivered freaking 30 minutes later)

What it said...

Not comfy to share him with any one, especially tomorrow, so I can always stay back, no biggie (smile)

His reaction....

Replied the SMS with a.....

Waaaaaat?

And then a call........

(Me tried explaining and all he could muster up was, but y? but y?)

Who ever she is, he has told her that she cant hang around with us. (Good....very good, coz it all depended on his decision)

Note :- She's supposed to be an almost 30 year old Philipino (so it ain't about the person at all)....Arrrghhh

How I feel right now....

All the excitement is gone and I'm feeling sad & annoyed at my self.

I don't know if I did the correct thing, but I have played the understanding (old grand mere) honey bunch ever since and I'm tired of it. I just can't. I expect the same sacrifice I make, from him, may be I expect a lil more.

I don't know how tomorrow will turn out to be, but I'm glad I mentioned how I felt, coz that's exactly how I felt. I'm sure he would have felt the same if I wanted one of my (ordinary) guy friend hanging out with us.

I feel real bad, I feel a bitch, but I'm sick of taking shit. I wonder if I can ever handle a relationship. I feel torn. I hate my self. I ain't feeling any hatred or jealousy, but just don't want the past to repeat it self.

Tomorrow will be the deciding day. That's why I wanted it alone with him. Either I stay in it or leave for good.

I commit the whole situation to My Master. He will lead me home !!!

Continuation of the entry........(12 a.m)

Received a call from him and it went like this :-

Munkey : So what plans for tomorrow?

Me : U tell me? Btw. I'm really sorry for over-reacting before, she can hang around with us.

Munkey (using a rather Rude & Harsh Voice) : Now its too late....She is angry with me. Sin, poor soul, she doesn't have any one to hang around with and no one is willing to take her with them & I like a fool volunteered thinking that you might be ok with it.

Me : Thats why I gave you the option of hanging around with her, but do you really wan't a third party to put a damper on our relationship this time around as well? I'm sure u remember the past?

Munkey : She ain't no third party

Me : Then what is she? What is she?

(Munkey is trapped & speechless)

Munkey : U know what.....why do I even bother

(Either party dashes the phone...I couldn't really keep track of who actually did it first with all the fury I was feeling)

It's just over for me. Just plain over. If this is how deep what ever we share goes, then this is it. I finally give up, let go and move on with the only regret of sticking up for him and defending him all the while, but at least I fu**i*g dealt with it. It's over. No more suspense....Wooohoooooooo.........

I wanna take this opportunity to thank everyone who was with me on this. Saj, Sachira, Rajindha (how can I forget u), Joanna & especially Pasan (what would I had done without you, thank you so very much). I wouldn't have survived without these guys. I probably didn't crack the codes, but I so fuc***g don't wanna crack em codes no more, coz I don't care what happens. I'm just so happy I saved my self before it was too late.

I sometimes wonder whether he would ever relaised how much I loved him & that I gave my everything just to spend a few extra seconds with him. I wonder if he would relaise how much he hurt me and how many times he killed me over & over again. I wonder if he had ever loved me just as much as I loved him. I wonder if he would ever miss me.

Tomorrow I will destroy all the memories I carry of him coz they mean nothin to me any more. He will no longer be anything other than a hideous memory from the past. Tomorrow he might backstab me and spread rumours about me, call me a bitch, a whore and a freaking lesbian (I've heard those from him before), but I know better. None of em would affect me....NONE.

No, I wouldn't be carrying a hollow or a void with me, its only being filled by the truth I needed to know. I feel complete than ever. Swearing to never speak his name ever again I resume back to me cozy sleep. Tonight feels different, my soul hurts but my head feels light.

God is so good, he sure did fulfill his promise before the New Year dawned.

The Da Vinci Code

My faith still remains untouched & unexploited. This book sure tested all the faith I had in my Master, glad to figure out that nothing in the world can waver what I have for my Master. He is the sweetest things I have come across and the absolute truth I will ever come across.

The book is a thriller of thriller, breathtaking, fast paced and very consuming. My entire Christmas was robbed by the trepidation that was building inside me to know where it was leading and more than anything I wanted to know where my faith & beliefs stand. Was rather disappointed when I finally finished reading the last 30 pages left on Monday night. The super fast paced thriller suddenly took a wide winding turn to an absolutely boring, predictable, not-so-intense and slow end. Hmmmm……so much for Dan Brown’s imagination, but restless to get “Angels & Demons” which is the book that follows “The Da Vinci Code”.

I can’t deny the fact that my relationship with my Master got a tad distant the 5 days I was lost in the CODE. I sure got a tad skeptical like any other human. But something reminded me that my relationship with My Lord ain’t just based on what the Bible has to share with me. My love and respect for him runs a lot deeper than that.

Tuesday was an awesome day. Went to watch “King Kong” with my monkey & solved a big piece of the utterly mind boggling jigsaw puzzle under my nose at the moment. This monkey is all mine, they can take away his tail if they like to, but the monkey is still mine….muhahahaha…..None touches my POSSESIONS, especially not this possession.

Me signing out, gotta go worky out and dandify me cute self (that’s ma ego is catching up) to go gift shopping for the NEW Year.