Are You Authentic?

There is nothing much to write,
Nothing much to say,
Just waiting for my ticket,
To fly me far away - (Gobblezygook)

Been dancing under a disco ball the past few weeks….unpredictable and diversified.

- Took my first ferry ride with the car on it (Smooth but freaky)
- Munkey in ICU with a case of overdosed pills (I don’t want to find out why)
- Been trying to write my very own hand book on “How to Live Life” (Incase God decides to keep me till I’m 80 freaking years or something)

Really…I think I was engrossed in John Powell’s – “ Why I Am Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?” all day every day the past four weeks. It’s a book every living breathing individual must read. I started taking down notes as usual before returning it to the library, but Geez, I sure should have taken a photocopy instead, coz it so happened that I ended up copying the entire book in point form. Not a word was wasted. Every word made sense. The book is a marvel !

A section of the book speaks about all the different games and roles we play/Ego defense mechanisms we use to keep us hidden behind a well-masked image we have built based on the preprogramming each individual has encountered, willingly or unwillingly, consciously or unconsciously.

A List of Ego Defense Mechanisms:

(1) Always Right
(2) All Heart
(3) The Body Beautiful
(4) The Braggart
(5) The Clown
(6) The Competitor
(7) The Conformist
(8) The Crank
(9) The Cynic
(10) Deluded By Grandeur
(11) The Dominator
(12) The Dreamer
(13) The Problem Drinker / The Dope Addict
(14) The Flirt
(15) Fragile, Handle with Care
(16) The Gossip
(17) The Hedonist
(18) Ill
(19) Inferior and Guilty
(20) Indecisive & Uncertain
(21) Inflammable, Handle with Caution
(22) The Intellect, The Alias, The Egghead
(23) The Loner
(24) The Martyr
(25) The Messiah
(26) The Mommy
(27) Pounce De Leon
(28) The Poor Mouth
(29) Peace At Any Price
(30) The Pouter
(31) Prejudice And Bigotry
(32) The Procrastinator
(33) Yours Resentfully
(34) The Sex Bomb & Predatory Male
(35) Suffering Is The Spice (Price) of Life
(36) The Strong, Silent Type Vs. Willing & Wordy
(37) The Worrier

Come to think of it, most of us actually adopt or switch from one game to another as and when we feel it’s necessary to hide our true selves, which lie deep within us.

The book got the better of me, that I actually went to have a chat with a counselor. I wanted to know who I really was. Strip me down of all the defense mechanisms I use and bring out the authentic real being struggling and screaming to get out. I paid her to listen to me, to argue and counter argue with me, to challenge me and interrogate me. My last session ends next week and I feel free of half the baggage I was carrying for donkey’s years. Counseling ain’t only for mentally deranged, I wish people realize that and try to get in touch with what they are fearfully hiding inside.

I also realized that I am still holding on to an image of someone who managed to fascinate me when I was a kid. All my life I’ve been trying to find him, trying to find someone that resembles him. I don’t know his real name, but the nickname (Me thinks), tall, dark, lanky and smiling eyes. I remember his eyes twinkle on an occasion I met him at a distant. The last I saw him was when I was about 16 years. All I knew about him was his physical appearance and a few people from his family tree, but I guess with time, I have successfully given him an image and a voice.

Crazy as it may sound that’s exactly what I have been doing. I guess I heard him on one of the crappy radio stations doing a crappy late morning show a few years back, but then he just disappeared from the face of earth without the slightest bang. I actually though I had managed to track him down the past week, but unfortunately I had been stalking the wrong guy (poor guy, I hope I didn’t freak him out). That said and done, I guess it is ona em unsolved lil mysteries I’d have to live with. It freaks me out to think how, now that I know I have been operating on a stupid image all my life. Would I be able to stop? Would I be able to embrace a new relationship with a brand new perspective? Who knows if Id choose to dwell on the childhood memory and live a disillusioned life than choosing to move on? Crazy as it is, I wish I find him before I leave the country in a few weeks, to drown my curiosity and to move on !

On an ending note…..Tell me…..Do you think you can tell me who you really are? Would it be a crime to find out how your brain ticks exactly? Why do you judge people who hide nothing, is it because you hide the same, but are more than ashamed to admit to them?