My Sweet Ex-Ma-In-Law calls me yesterday for official reasons, but the conversation as usual takes it turn to speaking about her son. I wonder to me self if she thinks I’m a traitor and whether it looks like I dumped her kid out of sheer bitchiness. I slowly pick up courage and mumble junk about what happened last. I pick up more courage and at a snail's pace tell her that I have something to clarify about a series of emails I stole from him 2 years back. She sounds relieved, and says she wants to clarify something in the same line with me. Appointments were made to meet her up at her office to compare notes.
I feel nervous and yet all exuberant and hyper at the same time, while I crookedly park the car right in the middle of the road and dash upstairs to her office. I can finally know the truth and move on with my dear life. My palms are sweating and so are my feet. I nervously go and wait outside till she is done with a telephone conversation. I dash in to her cozy room the minute she calls my name (hugs and kisses…mmmvah). I’m wondering how to start the whole thing (I am sure convinced that he is sexually inclined the wrong way, but it is her that I am worried about, does she already know? If not how will she take it?). She is one amazing lady, the M-I-L of my dreams :)
I begin by showing her the mails, and explaining about the three-year on-off relationship we had (without a spec of intimacy). She begins sharing the lil bit of info she has, sms’s from guys, (overheard) telephone conversations he has with guys till the break of dawn, rumours, incidents from the past. It is definite now that her son ain’t straight; she couldn’t cope up and eventually breaks down. It ain’t anything new to me, but I heave a sign of relief, coz the suspense, suspicions and insecurities were hauled away. I felt renewed to know that all this wasn’t my fault.
Even as I drive out of there, I search my soul and question the past. What did we have? What exactly did he feel every time he said “Love U”? What did the gazillion tapes he made for me, mean? Did he deceive me, Did I feel deceived? How did this go on for three years? Do I still feel the same kind of love for him now, after all this drama? YES, without a shadow of a doubt. Untainted, uncorrupted LOVE in it’s purest form. Will I ever experience it all over again?
I remember one time when we fell asleep after aimlessly staring at a coupla movies, he grips the bedcover, hides his face in the pillow and muttered, “I can’t give you what I want”. Even though I pretend not to understand, I did, but I simple didn’t care. Just sitting therewith him meant the world to me. It didn’t matter that we didn’t hold hands and it didn’t matter that I didn’t feel desired. All that mattered was what I saw in him, a beautiful creature staring back at me…Hmmmm
I move on only coz I must. Come what may, he will still hold that special place in my heart, BUT I’m finally free from all the baggage that burdened my soul, free to love again and live again :)
I feel nervous and yet all exuberant and hyper at the same time, while I crookedly park the car right in the middle of the road and dash upstairs to her office. I can finally know the truth and move on with my dear life. My palms are sweating and so are my feet. I nervously go and wait outside till she is done with a telephone conversation. I dash in to her cozy room the minute she calls my name (hugs and kisses…mmmvah). I’m wondering how to start the whole thing (I am sure convinced that he is sexually inclined the wrong way, but it is her that I am worried about, does she already know? If not how will she take it?). She is one amazing lady, the M-I-L of my dreams :)
I begin by showing her the mails, and explaining about the three-year on-off relationship we had (without a spec of intimacy). She begins sharing the lil bit of info she has, sms’s from guys, (overheard) telephone conversations he has with guys till the break of dawn, rumours, incidents from the past. It is definite now that her son ain’t straight; she couldn’t cope up and eventually breaks down. It ain’t anything new to me, but I heave a sign of relief, coz the suspense, suspicions and insecurities were hauled away. I felt renewed to know that all this wasn’t my fault.
Even as I drive out of there, I search my soul and question the past. What did we have? What exactly did he feel every time he said “Love U”? What did the gazillion tapes he made for me, mean? Did he deceive me, Did I feel deceived? How did this go on for three years? Do I still feel the same kind of love for him now, after all this drama? YES, without a shadow of a doubt. Untainted, uncorrupted LOVE in it’s purest form. Will I ever experience it all over again?
I remember one time when we fell asleep after aimlessly staring at a coupla movies, he grips the bedcover, hides his face in the pillow and muttered, “I can’t give you what I want”. Even though I pretend not to understand, I did, but I simple didn’t care. Just sitting therewith him meant the world to me. It didn’t matter that we didn’t hold hands and it didn’t matter that I didn’t feel desired. All that mattered was what I saw in him, a beautiful creature staring back at me…Hmmmm
I move on only coz I must. Come what may, he will still hold that special place in my heart, BUT I’m finally free from all the baggage that burdened my soul, free to love again and live again :)
2 comments:
Probably one of the few instances where you absolutely cannot blame yourself in the slightest for a relationship that fizzled out for whatever reason.
hi judith,
actually i dunno what to say, except that the way u have written that blog was extremely heartfelt.. and im indeed really sorry to hear what had happened between u and ur ex.
lookin at it from a positive aspect, one could say that, he really was trying his best to get over the huge problem he was faced with, and he found out that u were prolly the only girl who could make him escape that misery!
try as he may, the issue overcame him, and he had to succumb to the truth I guess....
anywayz, as darwin said... at least u'll know u didn't do anytin wrong!
god bless!!
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