Alpha & Omega

The 12 day short vacation has come to an end, where I fly back to UAE tomorrow. The last few hours spent with him felt fucked up and disoriented. He has slowly, yet steadily become my North & South, Alpha & Omega and my everything.

With a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and a snot filled nose, I ask the universe to make life happen with him, faster than a speeding bullet.

Don’t I Wanna Be Anywhere Else But Here?

It is the third time I got up from my seat to light a cigarette, but forgot all about it, got occupied with something else and came back to resume or rather commence blogging. I don’t know if blogging and the cigarette would make me feel any better afterwards, but I’m hoping it would.

Was dragged to the beach after much retaliation late in the fucking morning by a good friend and an old flame. I am feeling feverish and fucked up though there was no serious dipping being done. I conveniently stayed on the shore whilst the boys played ball in the middle of the sea. It was relaxing though I now feel like a piece of over grilled chicken drumstick.

I asked myself a million times why I had left him, rejected him and refused to visualize a future with him before. He was a lot of things I wanted, simple, old fashioned, persevering, though he doesn’t listen to the same music, watch the same movies or read the same books. I have been asking myself for days if these things are actually important, but I haven’t been able to come up with a satisfying answer till date. For now, all I am aware is that I have been and am in awe at what his inner being is made of. Is there an outer being at all?

I have always liked English films and books by Indian producers and writers. There is something about their productions that you will never find in a western artist. While hunting for books I came across a book which looked like just another time pass read “one night @ the call centre” by Chetan Bhagat, which I couldn’t eventually keep down until every page was read. Not that I had ever worked at a call centre to really earn a living but there was something about the book that touched or disturbed me. Love, choices, or a boorish management I cannot really figure out. An almost well written book. He could have jolly well done a better job with it. About to go on to “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert and then on to “48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene.

Turning 27 in approximately 40 days time and everybody has pressed the panic button, except for me. I have just started the elimination process [evil grin]. Most people, when deciding on a suitable match list down everything they like in the so called ideal counterpart, which I too have done countless number of times only to find myself even more confused than ever. A colleague who seems to have some smart theories about men, keeping them and eliminating them had a different strategy which sounded worth trying and was definitely worth trying.

Strategy:

List down the good and the bad of each of the potential candidates instead and voila everything suddenly seemed clear. Managed to eliminate a good 5 who will never be considered ever again.

Material Boy

Me : Told him I was in deep shit financially and though I liked him a lot I didn’t wanna commit since I wouldn’t be able to give my 100% with the strategic payment plan I had to follow [balls]!

Instead of saying he doesn’t really care about stupid materialistic things or my networth, he had the nerve to tell me that my plan to stick to my payment plan was not stupid at all, in fact very wise

My suspicion he was materialistic beyond my liking was confirmed.

Lankan Boy With An Outa The Blue Accent

Nice guy, absolute survivor, romantic as hell, sweet as chocolate, would be loyal, loving and everything a woman wants. They never come in separate packages without these…. possessive, neurotic, paranoid etc..

Liar Boy

The urge to lie about his parents, background and minute things definitely isn’t a plus point, neither does him being a Libran.

Indian Boy

Say yes, please go out with me for you’re the first girl I ever dared like or ask. Not a good enough reason. On the other hand, his need to curl the ‘r’ at the end of each word would drive me clinically insane.

Self Proclaimed White Boy

Libran and an arse.

That’s how easy the elimination process was. It’s not what I want but all about what they are.

Three cigarettes and a blog after my brain feels less cluttered, but the sinking feeling still resides comfortably at the pits of my belly. It must to be an unreachable, deep, dark and lonely place for I can’t seem to reach out and tug it out of me. I can’t figure out what’s wrong or what it is that I really want right now… a new job, a new game or a different work-out routine?

Clean Suits & Duffel Bags

It’s the second night in the new apartment and it will take a while to get settled and cozy. I was amazed and taken back by the strength I had when shifting the entire room, everything that had helped me live comfortable for the past three years. Two refrigerators, truck load of clothes, books, boxes all transported with a single flat trolley and a regular shopping cart all with nothing but my bare naked hands. It reminded me as to why I didn’t need a man (at least for the time being) , it is obvious that no man I had met until today now could ever match up to the kind of living on the edge lifestyle I am cut out to live and am living. It keeps me ticking, on my toes and more than anything it is fun.

His entire being just catches me off guard simply coz he looks like HIM. That face, that look, that oozing ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’, that refined, mature & humble nature, the full suit with the duffel bag.......I think I like the idea of watching, admiring, criticizing or whatever than to really get involved in the entire situation, let alone desire any involvement.

I wish ‘Mr. Have-It-All-Together’ made me feel the same way. I think I still have feelings for him, but as for getting stuck with him for the rest of my life…NO-CHANCE –IN-HELL !!!! He is amazing in a lot of ways, may be every woman’s dream, but just not mine. I waited long, ditched plenty, not to settle for second best. A part of me wanted to say ‘Yes, let’s work things out’, but a louder voice kept saying….’He ain’t the one, don’t waste your time, let it go and let it go for good’ and that’s exactly what I did.

I managed to add a few more pages on to the book this afternoon. This course I’m taking seems to be diverting my very being and it is sad. I have deliberately stopped myself from feeling, from really listening or speaking. It is true that the best experiences in life take place when you let yourself feel, go with the flow and don’t really care whether or not you’re making a fool of yourself. Then, at one point, you stop being yourself, you become rigid, you become what the world wants you to be, you stop thinking for yourself, you stop wanting for yourself.

That’s the fucking problem…..I can’t let myself go, not right now, I need to finish what I came here for, but it is taking me a little more time than intended, coz instead of falling in love with oil money, perks, benefits and scrounging stupid entities based on sinking sandy patches, I have fallen in love with a job, a fucking job, not even a man, but a fucking job!

I wonder if he means everything he says. I wonder what he really wants out of life. I wonder from where all those catty comments come from. I wonder if he really cares and respects people genuinely. I wonder if he ever looks further than just a couple of days & months, I wonder if what other people say is right. Would he really make it? Hasn’t he already made it? I want to sit and wonder plenty things about him, but it doesn’t seem to matter when I see a smile perking out of that otherwise stern face. I’ve heard the worst, I seen the worst, but it doesn’t matter. I just wanna dish out what I couldn’t for myself and then fucking run and hide.

I wish and wish I could sit in a dark corner and enjoy the world than be in it. It is a funny funny circus and people are a bunch of clowns. It would help if they knew which hoop they are expected to conquer next. It must be entertaining for the mean-streaked-idiot upstairs to watch everyone mess things up. May be the books got it all wrong afterall….may be, just may be, the devil actually won the world over and is up there ruling the world. May be the devil is actually a woman !

And Then It All Ended........

Some of the best decisions are made using much of the heart and less of the head. I made a huge one today and it feels great. It's been on my mind for the past 6 months or so. Looking back, it feels crazy to have sat on a single decision for a good 150 days, but the point is, that it is finally made and done with. Tonight I sleep in peace, with nothing bothering my mind or soul. Do I feel guilty? Ahem.. probably just as guilty as as having over eaten ice cream.

What have I to lose and what have I to gain? There comes a point when you just don't care about your gains and losses, but follow your heart and only your heart and trust the universe to take you to your next destination.

The world has stopped spinning around me. My mind is clear and there are no emotions taking over, other than just a glint of sadness. It feels like a crappy ending of a beautiful relationship that just couldn't stand the test of time.

People function beautifully when there is absence of fear. They blossom in to pretty lil flowers, rare & exotic, but it's a cycle, they eventually whither & die.

Red Box - A Taste of Sri Lanka Indeed

Had to put in to words the awesomeness of the Sri Lankan food relished at Red Box located in Qusais, while the food is still in my belly. The much anticipated trip was finally made this evening.

Ambiance - Not so Sri Lankan, Chef Lanka does it better. The modern hip hop and pop played was a turn off, but the waiters are friendly, and overall the place is homely.

Variety - Not too many, probably coz it's still a virgin venture.

Drawbacks - No rice and curry during dinner, no buffet and no Ginger Beer :(

But on the whole it was heaven on earth for us deprived Sri Lankans in Dubai and away from the hub. And so the order for two went like this.....

String hoppers - AED 12

Hoppers (4 plain and one egg hopper) - AED 12

Prawn Curry - AED 16

Beef Curry (Spicy as hell) - AED 16

Wood Apple Drink - AED 8 each

Tea (as per the typical Sri Lankan flavour) - AED 2.50 each

Thrilled and way over the moon to finally have a Sri Lankan restaurant which is cheap, clean and scrumptious in the neighbourhood. Unfortunately, they do not deliver during the day and I don't eat solids during the night......either way, can't wait to go back for the second experience.

Must I Shoot the World or Must I shoot Myself ?!?

The much awaited 'Alice in Wonderland' was an absolute disappointment. It took me down the same rabbit hole I’ve been plenty of times before. Was expecting something magical and a lil outa the ordinary, probably something similar to 'Charley and the Chocolate Factory’.

Managed to squeeze in entertainment, grocery shopping , laundry, cooking, catching a lil shut eye, jogging and pampering the much deserving moi in to the measly 24+ hours I have for my self, but I ain’t entirely done.

Total number of hours in a week - 168 hrs

Work (9 ½ x 6) - (57 hrs)

Commuting back and forth to work (2x6) - (12 hrs)

Sleep (8x7) - (56 hrs)

Hour’s left for Judy’s lil world to function - 43 hrs

(which comprises of 24 hrs on Fridays and approximately 4 hrs a day during the rest of the 6 days).

Tired, drained and slowly and steadily becoming unproductive. There is no energy or time to think, time to manifest, time to get creative or organized or time to grow. I wish the world would stop, just for a while, so that I can catch up.

The Ideal Man !!!

Left for Sri Lanka on the 9th last for a very short annual leave of 5 days which ended on the 14th. The length of the holiday definitely didn’t tamper with the eventfulness it had to offer. Flew the rickety old budget airline Mihin Lanka which belonged to the so-called president of Sri Lanka, to whom I am grateful for serving Vegetable Biriyani at the height of hunger.

Other than the parent types I was thrilled to meet and mingle with, I was privileged enough to meet with a beautiful soul, kinda brilliant yet kinda lost. Devious as he though he was, I saw through him……he was struggling to pick up the pieces and paste them together. His beauty dazzled me and carried me a few yards before I realized I had to wake myself up and run for my life, coz just as the old saying goes every rose has it’s own thorns’, this rose too had quite a bunch of thorns sticking out from the wrong places. I didn’t uproot the rose, I just chopped my hands off to stop myself from reaching out for it.

This trip has filled me with a strange sense of joy and fulfillment and a deeper sense of satisfaction than what I had ever felt during the previous trips I’ve experienced, some which were much longer stays. Yet, amidst all that fullness, I can’t help feeling a strong sense of hollow emptiness as if something has been sucked out of me without my consent.

The much dreaded subject, marriage was one of the prominent topics which surrounded me. As usual I negotiated for this year to find this spasticated man people are longing to see me end up with. With none, not even myself knowing what the heck I’m looking for, the mother dearest and I decided to jot down a check list of the must and must have nots of the so called Mr. Right.

1. Simple
2. Witty
3. Speaks the same language
4. No God, spirituality accepted
5. Believes in positive thinking, manifestation, black magic, white magic, mental warfare
6. Outdoorsy
7. Tanned
8. Not vertically challenged
9. Not horizontally expanded
10. No IT personnel, no doctors, no engineers, PR, marketing, entertainment, lawyers just might be considered.
11. Simple but classy dress code no baggy pants shimmery shimmery nonsense
12. Must respect his roots and parents, but not a mummy’s boy
13. MUST read
14. A one woman man !
15. Must be able to drive, fix the plumbing, clean, do his own laundry and cook for survival.
16. Broad and strong minded
17. Must have at least tried Ciggies, Booz and Ganja…(What’s the use of a man if you cannot roll up a stick and bask in the glory of hallucination)?
18. MUST love animals, four legged fury creatures to be specific
19. Must be ethical in all his dealings and passionate about his chosen career.
20. Though exterior yet sensitive within, empathetic, emotionally available yet a strong personality.
21. Family oriented
22. MUST respect women
23. Gift of the Gab, Wit in his hand and not a mute ass!
24. Must know the ABCs of quoting
25. Easy going
26. Independent

Being the least interested in a long time commitment right now and convinced that all above traits can never be found in the same garbage bin……I decide to live for the moment and let the stupid adults worry about the ever so joyous singleness I enjoy and am planning to enjoy for the next few years.

The Running.................

After years of running....running and running........this is what has become of me........'A COMMITMENT PHOBIC’. And why did I think of googling about crap like this? Coz I can’t breath, my nostrils feel blocked and my throat feels narrow and food just doesn’t seem to be a requirement any more. The thought of getting trapped in a relationship errrrrrks me.......and I’m running outa time, according to plenty concerned souls. What am I gonna tell all the good people waiting to see who I end up with? "Sorry......you just gotta wait a lil loooooongeeer" ?, The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves. Some of the most typical symptoms of commitment phobia involve the commitment to relationships.

Where someone has a fear of committing to relationships, this may happen at the very start of the relationship (or even before), or may develop once the relationship is established
Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship.

In this situation (where the commitment phobic feels the emotional feelings of fear and entrapment), it is often as the result of the partner in the relationship saying that they want to progress the relationship to the next level… “Let’s move in together”, “let’s get engaged”, “why don’t we try for a baby?”

As already mentioned, there are many, many different ways that commitment phobia can manifest itself, so when we talk about symptoms of commitment phobia, do bear in mind that these are only an indication of the most typical symptoms.

Criticism of a Partner

The person with commitment phobia may be extremely critical of their partner, the environment the relationship is in, or of the relationship itself.

- “We couldn’t possibly have a baby, you chose this house... the house is far too small”
- “Why do you always have to bring up marriage now… you know I’m stressed at work? - I get more stress because of you constantly pressuring me... it's all your fault ”

Using criticism like this is an unconscious attempt by the person with the commitment phobia to deflect the ‘blame’ off of themselves onto their partner.

- “I want to get married one day, but you keep pressuring me too much”.

Taking this one stage further, the person with commitment phobia may end up hurting their partner’s feelings even when no ‘pressure’ is being put on them…

Hurting Their Partner

Often, this happens when there isn’t any ‘pressure’ on the commitment phobic… they are just attempting to keep the relationship ‘at arms length’, even if this means their partner getting hurt.

It can seem like the person with commitment phobia is attempting to sabotage the relationship, even if the relationship itself seems to be perfectly ok. An example of this would be turning up consistently late for dates or regularly coming home late from work, without offering any reason.

- “Well, you know I have to work… don’t keep asking me every time I’m 5 minutes late… just accept it”.

Of course, sometimes commitment phobia can affect the person’s behavior even before they enter into a relationship…

Scared of Getting Noticed

Someone with commitment phobia may exhibit behavior very similar to that of someone with ‘social phobia’, and appear scared to be noticed. This can mean that the person doesn’t go out much, avoids social situations, avoids eye contact, or simply appears ‘shy’.

The unconscious motivation behind this of course, is that if the person doesn’t meet many people, and then doesn’t ‘engage’ with the people that they do meet, then they are much less likely to fall into the dreaded ‘relationship’ scenario. If approached, the person with commitment phobia will often just reject the advances of the other person, so that any potential relationship never really has much of a chance to get going in the first place. They just protect themselves from others getting too close.

Unrealistic Ideals

The ‘distancing themselves from others’ technique that we just mentioned however, sometimes isn’t enough on its own. It occasionally needs some help from other ‘reasons’ for the person with commitment phobia to avoid a particular situation.

For example, sometimes the person with commitment phobia will inadvertently find themselves getting closer and closer to someone they’ve met, without even really noticing it themselves.
Sometimes it’s only when the other person seems to want to progress the relationship to the next level that the person with commitment phobia feels the need to ‘escape’ from the situation.
This is where the commitment phobic person may need to employ other techniques of escape. One such method is the ‘unrealistic ideal’. They may recognize all sorts of positive aspects in their potential partner, but will still find some standard that the person doesn’t match up to…

- “yes I know she’s a lovely person, and that she’d be a great wife, and that she loves me, and that she does all that charity work, and….(etc, etc)… but she’s a Sagittarius isn’t she… I couldn’t possibly marry a Sagittarius!”

- “I need a wife who’s earning a lot more than she does”
- “If only she was half-an-inch taller I’d marry her in an instant”

When friends and relatives tell the person with commitment phobia that they’re being “too picky” and that ‘Mr Right’ or ‘Miss Right’ doesn’t exist, the commitment phobic will insist that they do, and they’ll find them one day.

The Unavailable Partner – The Affair

One of the most certain ways for the person with commitment phobia to keep a relationship ‘at arms length’ is to get into a ‘safe’ relationship. One way to do this is for the person with commitment phobia to get into a relationship with someone who, for one reason or another is ‘unavailable’ to them in the long term.

One way of achieving this, is for the commitment phobic to enter into a relationship with a married person, or someone already in a long term relationship. This makes it very unlikely that the person with commitment phobia will then have to face the prospect of that relationship going any further.

In this situation, they are relying on the fact that it is unlikely that the other person will leave their partner to come to be with them on a permanent basis. If that person does leave their partner of course, that leaves the commitment phobic with a new problem, which may cause them to resort to some of the other techniques talked about here. Of course, the ‘unavailable partner’ can be unavailable for different reasons…

The Unavailable Partner – The Long Distance Relationship

The 'long distance relationship' speaks for itself. The commitment phobic who lives in London and their boyfriend/girlfriend lives in Australia for example. The commitment phobic unconsciously ‘knows’ that the chances of that person giving up everything to travel half way around the world to be with them is very remote.

Again, the person with commitment phobia is keeping the relationship at a nice distance. There are of course, many other ways that the person with commitment phobia can form relationships with people who for one reason or another simply aren’t available to them for a full scale relationship. The ones we’ve mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg.

They may just form a relationship with someone they ‘know’ won’t be interested in them in the long term, such as…

The Commitment Phobic Partner

For the commitment phobic person, forming a relationship with another person who also has commitment phobia (the commitment phobic partner) is a pretty safe bet. The chances of those two people getting together in the long term are quite remote… both partners unconsciously ‘know’ this, and actually, this situation can suit both commitment phobic’s.

As they both suffer from commitment phobia, this meets the needs of both people, at least in the short term.

Commitment Phobia and the Long Term Relationship

Of course, everyone is different. One person suffering from commitment phobia might react to it in a completely different way to another commitment phobic. Each person has their own commitment phobia ‘trigger’… the event or stage of relationship that triggers their ‘fear’.

Some commitment phobic’s do get into long term relationships, and after being in that relationship for a long time, it’s only then that the ‘trigger’ happens, and they feel ‘fear’. At that stage, someone with commitment phobia might describe the feeling of being ‘trapped’ in the relationship, or in some way trapped or ‘pressured’ by the other person. If this happens, the person with commitment phobia usually has to find a way to distance themselves from their partner.

In a long term relationship, this can, of course, cause a lot of hurt and upset to the partner of the person with commitment phobia.

The ‘Yo-Yo-ing’ Effect in Commitment Phobia

This can happen when a commitment phobic is in a relationship, but suddenly feels trapped or pressured. Their response is often to ‘run away’…. So they might sabotage or end the relationship, even at the expense of their partner’s feelings.

Once they have ‘run away’ from the relationship, the commitment phobic often starts to feel ‘emptiness’. They start to realize that they did love their partner after all. This emptiness… missing the other person, can often cause them to go back to them. Of course, once back in the relationship again, and after everything has ‘settled down’, the relationship quickly starts to head back towards their ‘trigger’ again.

- “Now, before you left we were talking about getting married weren’t we”.

Before you know it, the commitment phobic is off again. Then they’re back…. Then they’re off… and so on. This ‘yo-yo-ing’ effect can go on for some time because the partner of the commitment phobic is often just so glad to get them back, that they’ll put up with all the uncertainty in between.

The Serial Commitment Phobic

Another way for a person with commitment phobia to avoid having to become involved in a long term relationship is to form a series of superficial relationships that are almost certainly never going to lead to anything more long-term.

This may give the commitment phobic the appearance of being promiscuous, or overly flirtatious, perhaps having a series of sexual partners for example.

The person with serial commitment phobia may be labeled by their friends and family as promiscuous, but would rather have that, than become committed to a relationship.

Courtesy Of : http://www.anxietymatters.com/symptoms_of_anxiety/phobias/commitment_phobia/commitment_phobia_index.htm

The Knowing......

The energies don’t lie. They never do. Something strange is cooking up and signs of it are floating in the air. Today is a big day. Bigger than any other, though I cannot put my finger around it and say why exactly.

It is not comforting to know the future, to feel it in you veins, to plunge in to the unknown, knowing, to look in to their eyes and read their soul not out of choice, to inhale the vibes diffused by their withering, rotting skin, to smell the stench rising from the pits of their belly and to know exactly what’s going on.......I’d rather die than live and know !!!!!!!

The Mould

And then you accidently come across a mould. A mould that fits all your specifications. But, fortunately or unfortunately, you are already tired. Tired of the game. Too tired to keep it up, too tired to wonder if the mold is strong to keep up……..

Too many questions running though my mind, but as usual nothing affects me. They questions, feeling and emotions they just zap thought me, but it doesn’t seem to disturb nor derail my original course.

It has always been easier to run away. My mind, body and soul are accustomed to running & escaping. I am determined to break the mode. Too determined that the very thought stresses me out. I want to do something, something that would turn things around. My heart bleeds at the thought of what’s going on. It does……It ain’t my own, and sometimes, even I let it rot like it’s nobody’s business. I suffer inside every time I do it. The emotional attachment is too great. The sense of direction I feel is immense………….

I have always trusted the vibes, the energy and the force for direction…….may they guide me this time around as well.

The Last of The Mysterious Year 2009

After a topsy turvy day and quite a night of shopping all I want to do is eat my veggies and hit the sack, but I am determined to give the due respect year 2009 deserves the only way I know how..... Recollect & Ponder.....

First, Second & Third Quarter
Just as much as I wanted to land my ass in the beautiful, yet lonely islands of Maldives, I got my semi-permanent residency (inconsistent, unsecure, employer dependent) in the land of sand & camels. It was a tough fist quarter trying to juggle exams and work, but I made it, though I flunked the exams in style. Do I regret it??? Not One Bit !!!!
I don’t remember much other than work, shopping, dining out and a messy relationship which wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. An uneventful, bland and boring year one would say. Nonsense !! I would say...........The people I’ve met, the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen during these 9 months has managed to entirely change the way I would have got about life otherwise.

September

September was a purring month.....Found something I’ve been looking for almost all my life (though I haven’t a clue what to make of it) & got a lil more money in my hands (coz the good employer decided to throw a hike my way).

October/ November
Shifted to the much awaited new office in Sharjah which has an amazing view, though work was hazy. I had finished a good quarter century and was stepping in to November crunching evil number 26 (of course its just a number). Stayed away from work for a day due to an all time low for the first time in three years while in camel land. It felt terrible just as much as it felt good. It was good to feel a little, to love and live a little.

I was definitely floating away on cloud No. 9, but the only problem was that cloud No. 9 was floating a little too close to the ground. I had to always watch out for bumps and jerks and I was tired of doing so. All the huffing and puffing I could have done wasn’t going to lift the cloud any higher rather it would have jolly well got me sitting on the ground instead of on the cloud. I had two options, to hop on to cloud No. 10 and see where it took me, or to sit on cloud No. 9 and patiently wait until it kick started it’s journey towards Neverland, which I damn well knew it would and the latter was exactly what I did. I don’t regret to this date the choice I had made.

December
A few days before, during my much valued jog, I couldn’t help pondering about the best things this year had offered me.

1. Three amazing friends I would hold dear for life. Never having been blessed with female friends, it felt good to finally have some.
2. Light at the end of the tunnel.
3. An amazing job, which I had fallen head over heals in love with.

There are some people who you meet on the way who you would be detached to but yet be attached to in a strange way. There is one such individual who randomly walked in to the office and inspired me in his own little way, just when I needed it the most. I was living a dangerous lifestyle with no breakfast and a heavy dinner with very little exercise for over 6 years. He talked me in to a healthy lifestyle almost over night, which was shocking even to me. With a solid breakfast, plenty veggies for dinner, fruits as a substitute for chocolates, zilch aerated beverages and a jogging routine I feel like a million dollars.

After a glass of wine and vodka I am tipsy enough to say that I am dying to suck year 2010 through a straw. I can feel it in my veins that it is going to be more than just a swell year.

A Boy Named D..........

I’ve kept a man on a very high pedestal for almost 13+ years, an image I’ve drooled over from afar, not knowing how to make a connection. After dating a few guys who resembled him, of course finding them all not up to the mark, making friends with another few who resembled him simply coz I knew that I just might almost never bump in to him in this short life span of mine. There was even a time that my car was named after him, until I forgot all about him for a while. Amidst all the fun, frolick, eye candy and chew candy I was filling my life with it felt like my soul could never move on without knowing what he was made of and what he was all about, which drove me to begin the nonsensical search all over again.

Did I find him???? YES, in an godforsaken island in europe !!! Was it worth it??? I don’t know at all.......

The strange man he is, blowing hot onetime and blowing cold another, has abused my patience beyond dry……do I feel anything for him even now, after all those years???? Yess…Yess…Yes…..Am I going to do anything about it? As usual NO!! Then what is it all about? It’s just the thrill of the chase, it always has been and always will be…

Cuts Like a Knife

That’s what life has turned out to be. I’m tired of the show, but can’t seem to find the curtain to end the episode. The more mature one gets, the less complicated life is supposed to be, but it just doesn’t seem to be so in my world.

I am not in love, but am purely in love with the high I get out of love, and that’s a fact. It’s like weed. Let it tease your senses and it keeps you on a permanent high. What love is, I simply don’t comprehend anymore. I am beginning to feel what I haven’t felt in centuries, but whether they are right or wrong, I wouldn’t know, neither do I want to find out, since them feelings, they shall die a natural death, un dealt with and unspoken .

I wanna find out, where does he come from, where does he go? What goes through his mind, but I fear what I might find, therefore, let it never be found !

What Leads One To Break What He Strived To Make?

After trying to break up with the good sir for the 10th time (for all I remember), I’m back at square one, showering ‘Love You’s’. This is when you dread hairpin bends, even though the road is wide and your tyres are tight.

Nasty boorish bosses, sick & unethical work atmospheres swallowing you whole, six fucking days a week makes you wanna throw up stomach acid to burn a whole nation down.

I swore to myself I wouldn’t bring any work home, I swore over a hundred times yester-fucking-day, but here I am doing the same old forbidden deed.

Little do they know you aren’t from the same realm as they are. They screw you over giving you three times the opportunity to do the same to them. Work has never angered me this much. Anger makes me work harder and faster. Anger builds more energy, more energy to swallow another’s soul. Energy builds and energy destroys and I wait for my time and turn to destroy !

Back On Track !!!

A few minutes after breaking up with the so-called-beau, I’m switching between Dubai 92 and TNL Rocks, hoping and praying they’d play some hardcore shit, simply because I’m looking for a surprise and not something out of my music collection. I wish I had a pack of smokes in hand along with a few sticks of weed.

I look back at life and wonder how I ended up here, coz it all feels like a dream, definitely not a nightmare, but an amazingly twisted dream. With a bunch of investors in my hand, something is still holding me back with regard to the launch of ‘Skorpius’ in UAE. Worst of all, I’m beating myself down at work more with an ulterior motive of punishing myself for not paying the same due respect for my own business four years back.

It’s time to get myself a tattoo and get that 8v Mustang I always wanted, beginning with applying for my UAE driving license next month. Who the fuck can handle a toned down life….wild was what I was and wild will what I always will be and if any man wants me to be anything other than that….SCREW HIM ! I ain’t anyone’s pet pumkin !!!!

How the fuck do I successfully attract free riders, scroungers and employers who take the mickey outa me every single freaking time? How the fuck do I reverse the energies I attract?

Trade your Wife for a Modern Apartment !!!

Sri Lanka has definitely been robbed of the cream of the industry. The question is ‘should we be amused or saddened?’

I Think I Might Blog A Lil More This Year ;)

Plenty blog entries written and stored away without being posted simply because they sound doleful and pathetic with more than a pinch of self pity, but this I am determined to write and post amidst all laziness.

Been in Sri Lanka since beginning of November and it’s making me want to plant myself here for good, though I know I must leave in order to achieve my so-called goals. As at now everything seems to be muddled up that I can hardly think. You misunderstand love, life and everything that surrounds you, even though you’re just not supposed to be getting them wrong at this age. They use you and use you, they manipulate your understanding nature, they think you’re ignorant, when all the while you grit your teeth and watch and wonder what they’re intentions are. They think they got you wrapped around their little finger when all you did was pretend and stayed on just to find out where the ride ended. Do you pass off as a hypocrite? Maybe…..It all feels worthless coz they won’t change or budge, they’ll just slip back to being who they are, the blissfully ignorant scroungers.

They all say that a Scorpio forgives, but never forgets, not by choice, but by default. The truth is that a Scorpio is actually incapable of forgetting. They judge every word you say, watch every move you make and link it together with every situation that takes place in front of their eyes which concerns you and themselves. What do you know….they are molded to do so for their own good.

I’m waiting for my call to go back to camel land, but I’m surely gonna miss everything I’m leaving behind. Men are not real men unless they are Sri Lankan and vouch I can on that! One whole year or more with no native curry I’m gonna walk back to SL like a character off Monster Inc. No camel jokey can or will never match up to the sarong wearing, filth swearing, tough mother feather the Sri Lankan lad is brought up to be.

Over all its been quite a adventurous 2008 and I cannot help but ask the higher powers to throw my way an equally eventful 2009, coz who wants’ to settle for comfort zones and an easy way out. The tougher the challenge the stronger you get and the more fun you have.

Randoms from Qusais, Dubai

Updating from Home Prison….

There is such a thin line between discontentment and fulfillment and it is amusing how we keep switching between these two modes so frequently, that there is hardly enough time for the mind to perceive which mode you are on.

Moving to Dubai was the best decision I made in the past 18 months. The opportunities are endless, if one has the backbone, courage, will, commitment and all that’s needed for the battle. One solid job six days a week, one happening project and three pending ones are keeping me more than occupied. Two more years of hard work and I’m taking a road trip to nowhere and I’ll still be going on 26…doesn’t that make me feel exuberant!

Speaking of work, salary discrepancies and amusing superiors seem to be following me everywhere I go. This time it’s a Grizzly Bear and a Benjamin Bunny, who are way better compared to the previous encounter with the Brown Eyed Monster. I try to stay as far away from GB and BB, keep all conversations to a minimum and con a shiver when they confront me. This is amusing, they surely think I’m shit freaked out of them while I’m having a ball in my mental auditorium. The GB seems to be inflated with so much ego, that one prick of a pin would shatter it across a continent, and I’ve only heard him grunt so far, which makes it difficult to fathom his character. BB, is one of those sweet superiors you bump in to once in a blue moon, but terribly confusing, that I’d rather smile and nod my head rather than speak and negotaite.

One must work in the GCC, bounded by stupid contracts to know and to feel your actual self worth. One can’t just quit, pack up and walk out, which eventually teaches you sweet diplomacy and how to negotiate subtly, yet powerfully.

The two week stay in Sri Lanka around mid June was surely a treat, though I almost passed out seeing how inflation has taken it’s toll. Something in the UAE was dragging me back and it surely wasn’t the man (who is made to bite the dust once more). For Pete’s sake, who needs an incomplete man when you can drill, drive and do your own plumbing? I pity the next poor soul who dares cross my path, coz if he knows what’s good for him, he wouldn’t.

Can one actually live in the fast-paced world, with a true and genuine hippie soul, is that really possible? I wonder……

Amidst the fact that I do a 5 Km walk back and forth to the supermarket, twice or thrice a week and use a knife as a can opener, just coz they don’t sell the ones I’m used to in this part of the world, this is still the life I choose to live for the next 2 years. I can finally feel the essence of my sweat, blood and tears and the infusion and diffusion of energy to and from my body.

The book is about 30% done and I let it write itself that enforce thoughts, phrases, characters and situations. It is surely better that way, coz I haven’t suffered a writers block in awhile and the outcome seems to be much better than the times you attempt to squeeze creativity out of your system.

Does it take that much courage to say…Hey I have failed, but I rise again ?!?

Thawed Skin & Rusted Hair

It was 5 a.m, but I am feeling colourful and alive. Though it was high time I got some sleep, messing around with hair colour was just what I did next. Three hours of waiting, since I wanted the brown to be a lil more rooted and rustier than usual I hit the showers. The water, which was almost hot to a boiling point, felt as if it was sinking right through my skin & diluting with my blood with ease coz my mind was slowly absorbing the ecstasy the body was emitting, everything looked larger and the white tiles around me looked brighter.

Flashes of a series of incidents that took place last Wednesday were combining themselves together and were now teasingly replaying itself over and over again as if from inside my eyelids, that I dared not open my eyes lest I lose a single precious moment. The water boat & banyan boat rides in Deira, the sun scorching my skin from one side while the wind trying to fight the heat from another, the smooth business meeting which left me with more hope than I ever had for the past one and a half years (clumsy as I am, I spilled half the glass of water which was placed in front of me half way through the presentation, I wish I could erase the memory, though it seems impossible), and finally seeing him after ages and feeling nothing, but joy which deflated to pure disgust within a few seconds and wowing to never see him again. Didn’t he have no dignity? Why would he still be interested after much rudeness and ignorance? Did he just want to prove that he could eventually get in to my pants and that I can be weakened? May be I just keep leading him on, giving a green light just after a red, just like the traffic lights (though without the amber and no warning what-so-ever). May be, just may be, guys like him deserve to be twisted and crumpled like this, though I know too well that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. Alas ! the drama ends today and another one bites the dust! He may be a winner, always used to getting what he wants, when he wants, but this time, with me, he is a loser!

I take another scenic boat ride to Bur Dubai with a single regret of not bringing the camera along (such scenic bliss lost to good old memories, which would eventually be lost forever) ! With a few minutes of walking down the allies strewed with shops filled with ‘penny-wise-pound-foolish’ souvenirs, which fell across the creek, I finally reach the bus station to make my journey back to Al Ain. I buy the ticked and impatiently walk towards the bus to relax my feet, which was by now sore and aching. The figure seated right in front, opposite to the driver's seat looked vaguely (if not quite clearly) familiar. I ignored my instincts and sat right behind the driver’s seat, though there were plenty seats behind it. I watched his every move from the corner of my eye, the way he moved his legs trying to get comfortable, the way his jaws moved though they were clasped tight, while he listened to sum junk from a device plugged in to his ear and how his head kept bobbing back and forth towards my direction every time I fidgeted on my seat (which I enjoyed doing more often than I needed to get comfortable).

His hair was tied into a ponytail, which could be expected of him, though he always wore it short back then, but was it him at all or was it just my imagination? If it was him, what was he doing in Al Ain? So many questions were cooking a stew in my head. I watched him ask the driver to stop when he reached his destination, and I heard his gruff voice reluctantly speak a few words over the phone and it sounded different, though I wished so much that it was him. I dared not look in his direction when he raised himself from the seat and slowly made his way to the door giving himself enough time to take a good look at me. The image of him shall be embedded somewhere in my memory waiting to be brought back to reality when the time is right. Inhaling the energy of the final memory of him doing the weird thing he does with his tongue clicking his teeth, I decide to get out of the shower and put an end to the trauma my skin was going through.

With my skin thawed and my hair rusted, I finally curl up to catch around 4 hours of sleep before I head back to work.

Oh Why Oh Why Did Nudism Have To Die ?!?

After much digging (FYI for months) finally landed on a perfect pair of shoes, which can gracefully pull off both formal as well as informal occasions. Fitting into shoes has always been a nightmare, ever since I remember my growth spurts hollering, ENOUGH! Being a size between a 37 & 38 (6 &7 or was it 7 & 8) and the figure never being consistent has obviously made me cringe every time I get an inevitable desire to treat myself to a pair of shoes or when the (bare) necessity actually arises. Folks who know me well, know that I am the same with clothes (How I end up with so many is yet to be figured out). I don’t know if it’s just for me or for rest of em girls, that they just don’t make clothes or shoes the way they are supposed to be made anymore. Who would want to be wearing a perky brazier, which emphasizes one’s treasured assets with weird seams lying lumpily on the face of it (they seem to not come without them, especially in this part of the world, there’s either the forbidden seam or a pulp of a padding, and mind you with outrageous designs which I wouldn’t be found dead in, Godamit!) Frustration seems to generously overflow similarly when in the lingerie dept. They, which display ‘S’ seem perfect until you actually bye them & try them on where as the ‘M’s seem to go baggy and wobbly as if they have a mind of their own. The free sizes, which come in cute bizarre colours seem to fit perfectly and last long, if I may confess. Arrrghh..the frustration em unworthy decorations bring !

Here I am again, venting my frustration after a useless week of shopping (attempted), wasting a good amount of energy, which should have been reserved. Interestingly enough, I’ve grown passionionate about grocery shopping (though I don’t enjoy carrying the heavy goods home just as much). They definitely seem to make the edibles more appealing than the wearables. I who thought would never learn to cook meat am obsessed with trying out new ways of tenderizing the meat and bringing the flavour out, that I sometimes wonder whether it is because it's simply unethical to go cooking people instead. The art of pounding the meat before marinating has added that extra spiciness I’ve been wanting to bring out (pounding also helps to flush away the anger and frustration you have towards the mean boss or colleague, pound away hoping it’s their head or jaw that's been pulped).

Note : However perfect the shoe may be, it is always a disaster on the first day. With four throbbing blisterson my toes, here I lay in bed.