His Smile...........His Eyes...........

I wanna beg you to smile again..........stare in to my eyes again........I don't know what to say, coz I am too mesmerized.....way too mesmerized......It hurts to stay sane....that you just wanna get high on sleeping pills and slide back in to the dream world where u r with him...and only him.....

A huge part of my stupid freaking brain tells me that it's all an illusion...a big fat illusion.........but it hurts....it hurts more than it hurt before....

I feel scared to think of him.......dream of him......call him...let alone msg him.........id he really a superior creature...or am I letting him be superior in my disillusioned, blurry world? I don't know.I really don't know...I wish I did tho.......He has managed to haunt my day and worst of all the night....he has managed to plant a sick blop of anxiety where there used to be a moster by the name of "appetite"......He has managed to make my limbs fidgety and my look a stare....

Its 10.42 a.m...will complete me lil journal in the evening....mmmvahhhh

k...back again........

At a funeral last week.......I was walking towards the cemetary along with the crowd...and in front of me was a skinny girl with straight brwon heair....trust me I envied her with all my heart..her straight pose...her hair...her posture....I wished my hair was shimmering as hers instead of the messy lock of curls (which had always been a problem)...I wish I had washboard abs like hers...I wished so many things...for a second I was so focused on everything I am not...I even considedred being fair skinned (which I wouldn't wanna become for a million dollars..hehehehehe)...

It occured to me what a fool I was when I actually saw her face, she was one of em speacial children....(retarted in plain cruel english :-( )...Geez.....it sure did hit me on the head....for the first time.....It tore me apart....it made me hide my face in shame for all the envy I was daggering at her.........hmmmmmmmm............

I bumped in to some one who made me go back to thinking about the special child I saw last week....it humbled my rage...my stupidity and my envy......

Being contended about who you are ain't the most easiest thing to do....but yeah...with a lil bita attempt ...contentment is urs all yours.