No More Preteinding (Set Me Free) !!!

Below are two songs that reminded me of Gods Love...and reminded me that I ain't alone.....I'm at my worst...trust me worst.....but with him on my side...I know I will survive......I know I will.......(then what am I grumbling about????)...I'm only human......and my faith is only blind....there is so much I can take......My flesh is weak, my emotions are young & raw.....my head is strong, but that aint enuf......coz my flesh is weak, and evil temptations are strong................I want to hear his voice ...I need him omre than ever.........coz he's the only voice that'll sooth me.....he's the only hand that'll rock me to sleep...he's the only one who can set me free.....I cry out with all my might...he hears me...but why does he test my patience.......Matser don't let me fall again while I wait........Don't let me get away....coz I don't want to......near you is where I want to be......at your feet is my resting place.......

I'm da lucky one who has hope in him...I pity those who only have hope in themselves.......I'm broken I'm tattered...within me is an empty soul...no hope for tomorrow...no hope for the next hour, let alone the next minute.........but in him I have everything...in him I have the world......I wish em silly fools will one day realise what I'm trying to tell them......(God let me testify without shame......let them know that you'r alive....)

My eyes are smothered with tears and I don't want anyone to see me.....I feel so alone...I feel dead alone.......but I have to face the world...I have to meet and greet and crack em deals...

Help me Lord, for I am yours......

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Scott Krippayne - 'No More Pretending'

I can look good when I want to
I know the right things to say
I cover up what I don't want you to see
But you see it anyway
Maybe I think I can fool you
Maybe I'm fooling myself
I want to change but I don't know how
And I need your help

Chorus :- No more pretending
No more pretending Lord,
I know I need to tell you the truth tonight
But everything is not alright in my life
And I need you like never before
I don't want to pretend anymore

I'm tired of hiding my weakness
I'm tired of trying to look strong
I don't want to say that everything's fine
When there's so much that's wrong
Tell me again that you love me
Though it's more than my heart understands
And I will lay down my disguises
And show You who I am
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Hilary Weeks - 'He Will'

I can't hold on any longer
Temptation keeps getting stronger
And when I'm about to fall
And I've given it my all

Chorus :- He will move mountains
He will work miracles
I have no doubt that He will not let me go
His arms are open still
And when I can't I know He will

Sometimes it's all I can handle
To stay ahead of the battle
And when I'm not strong enough
His love will lift me up and

Speak peace to my soul
And I'll trust His love to guide me home
Cause I know I can't make it on my own

Floating at the Bottom !!!

Wooaaaw...I've actually made up my mind to go for the youth meeting today......hehehe....Amazing...Just when u think ur caught in a brutal never ending hail storm.......he makes the sun shine brighter than ever.......He's awsome...just too awsome.......

I'm still perplexed....but I know that peace is not too far......All I can do is to biliv in the miracle he promised to perform......he was with me ever since and he will be there with me for ever more.....

Hail the Mighty one I biliv in !!!!

Almost Perfect at the Not-So-Perfect Time !!!

It's amazing how u meet the best at the worst time.....and u just gotta let them go......u just gotta let them go.....u just gotta let them go...U don't want to...but u just gotta let them go :(

I Faltered !!!

Ppl actually think I live by a whole loada crappy principles.....nah...bull shit....may be I did...but that was long ago.....Kinda lost my mind 3 years back...and every principle went hay wire....hehehe.....but yeah...I've faltered My God again...and I ain't too proud about it......since I don't live by my principles these days...but his.....

I so want him to forgive me...I really do.....I've gotten hold of myself to say no to temptation...."God HELP Me" for I may fail again.......As much as the world brings pleasure to one's self....it sometimes does bring raw pain to the mighty one.......

The walk with God is like sleeping on a bed of roses......nah..I ain't condemning it......the feel of the soft petals around u makes u wanna sink in deeper...the fragrance makes u lose your mind.....but the deeper u sink...the thornier it gets.....The thorns are equal to the evil temptations the prince of darkness is gonna arrow u down with, the closer you get to God......Hmmm........

Was totally messed up in the morning...when a child of God called me.....and all I could do was pour my heart out to her.....she didn't judge me.....she only offered to pray....and she reminded me that God's love would never leave me nor forsake me.....wow...just what I wanted to hear.....

I remember in the past, laughing at the same lady just coz she slaved for Christ....but now I'm just thankful I know her.......I thank God for filling my life with at least a few who are right with him.....

God Bless U !!!

Accidently in Luv or Iz it Sumthing else ???

He's was always just a friend of yours, not even in ur wildest, wildest dreams have u dreamt of him as special......but suddenly outa da blue.....u simply can't look at him straight....he makes ur knees go wobble...wobble.....u can't stand his presence coz it makes u all nervous.....(No one has ever really made u nervous...the feeling is wiered).......

U sit and wonder if u really are in love? It does't matter if thats what u want or thats not what u want.......The question is whether or not what u feel is real..........is it infatuation....lust...... hmmmmmmmm...........Is this the end of another beutiful friendship........(Too many questions bubbling in your pee brain).....

You hardly thota him...didn't care what he did, or where he was.....but suddenly u wish u cud spend every minute with him.....u wish he were right where u are........

Annoying...annoying...I hate this feeling.......Wish I was feelingless again...Hardhearted and cold.....Cold as steel....Solid as wood......I don't want to feel....To feel is to hurt......To hurt is to cry......

Arrrrghhhhh.....................

Ppl wanna know y u con.....How can u not when the world is strewd with a whole loada liers......

May be thats the only defense mechanism I know....To get hurt...and still bounce back to life within a coupla hours......or rather a coupla days....."CON"...con u...con me.....con my feelings......con away !!!

The Weekend !!!

Who said growing up was eaaazy???? hehehe......Falling in love...falling outa love.....ripping hearts...ripped hearts.....Looking for "the one" "finding the one"..figuring out it aint the one...hehehe......Drama...drama......drama..n more drama....

My mission to find pure passion...true love (When everyone around me keeps saying it just doesn't exist...hehe).....wel...at least there has to be someone close to Mr. Perfect ya??? hehe...yeah...may be there is....there is true, passion...true love.....(The purest is of God....never forget that)......I thrilled I found it.....may be not to keep...."NOT EVERYTHING PERFECT IS URS FOREVER"....one can only be contended with the brief moments of happiness it smothers your life with...hehehe

But then again...u tend to wonder...how perfect is "PERFECT".......hmmm.....u suddenly wonder...Am I in love? or is this just lust? is it right? or is it wrong? hmmm.....( a few more pages of the journal...I can publish a bible of my own...hehehe)...........

Its crazy how ppl never speak up about silly issues....U suddenly sit n ponder whether the culture should be more open or close...how much of traditionalism is healthy..............Heaven help me.......I seriously am lost......

How much of religion is healthy? How harmful can a ceraless kiss get? How new can a new beginign get?

Hmm........What exactly is rebelling against parent mean? What exactly is rebelling...Inverted behaviour??????? hmmmmmm.......

May be I'm going thru another one of em monday blues......hehehe....what can I do...just give it to the Lord and let him make the best outa the day....He rules....He rules...none but he rules......

God Bless Ya !!!!

Started on a new poem......struggling to get the thots in to words......ouch ouch....

Just a few more thots......may be ppl like her never really find true happines......a calibre of her own...hmm.....possessive...and yet open minded.....cruel...and yet kind......detest weakness but yet weak (the only thing strong is the fake image)...hehehe....in love...want commitment...but yet not willing to offer n e ..........dream of challenges.....risk's the key word.....but yet trembling to risk the heart........

Wanting everyone else to stay, while she is quite happy running and hiding.....she knows her faults but yet is helpless to change n e of it, let alone the world........

Convinced that she could make none happy.....convinced that she is usless (vegetable)........(who is responsible)?????????

May be everything scares her.......escapism doesnt seem wrong sumtimes.....

Sometimes......u so wanna vanish....just vanish in to thin air.......wish it would all go away......hmmmm.....Nah I ain't looking for n e answers...I'll kick the asses of n e one who reads this an tries to advice........

Something caught my eye !!!

The prince of darkness didn't allow me to make a poasting yesterday......and kept me busy the whole day to keep me from reposting it......but will that keep me grounded...nah....let me say what i gotta say today....hehehe......(at least part of it)..

Met sumbody who like myself has come from Witchcraft to Christ.....It felt encouraging to know that I ain't a loner ...hehehe....Yeah Daniel...couldn't help but ponder about the stuff we spoke about.....what if Marylin Manson did turn to God.....would he be stoned to death by his faithful followers, or owuld they turn to God.....Geezing I'm half hoping it would happen (who knows)....would be an amzing site to see...hehehe

I heard the voices the last two nights, but managed to fall asleep by 1 p.m after rebuking all evil in his name.......I felt powerless without darkness on my side....but Now with God with me, I feel like I'm draped in weapons.

Mr. Cupid decided to sting me in the morning....the minute I raced my dinky toy with my mud coated tires to the top of the hill (Crappy steep lane i live in) towards the busy main road...(pant pant....another day of survival without crashing in to one of em monster trucks)....WHAT DO I SEE?...woooo hoo...a hottie...(my typa hyppie nerd typa hottie)...driving an ancient beatle.....in a skimpy pure white west....thick framed glasses....(nerd at a glance...but deifinetely otherwise) .......slowed down from my usual pase since it was obvious that his rubber couldn't burn too mucha road too fast.......hehehehe....sheeesh....silly impatient me decided to speed up the journey forgetting that pudding pie was following me...and ouch...ouch...big ouch...missed him...rather lost him in traffic......:(.... Y me??? y me???

So far the day has been quiet, but nothing to grumble about........

Let his Light be my ONLY guide..

God Bless ya !!!

Lil Blessings !!!

Yesterday was one tipsy day......the night was tipsier.....the voices were there..anxiety filled my heart....I cried out to the loard and he calmed me down...he soothed my mind...he told me not to worry......he rocked me to sleep........

What does one do at the edge of breaking down???? There seems to be no shoulder to cry on...there seems to be no one who would care...except for the mighty one......but then again...who needs n e one...when he is there to lift me up......take me in his arms and carry me through.....

He's just amazing...his goodness, kindness and grace amazes me......If I was standing alone right now....I would be one insane whore.......but his grace has saved me...grabbed me out from the shackles of sin.....

It feels good be be molded by his mighty hands...sometimes the blows seem harsh...but I try hard not to question....coz with him in control....my heart had learned not to doubt..not to question...but to follow blindly in faith....

God bless u !!!

I wish my heart was stone again !!!

I just can't take it n e more......The time I was cold and Evil...nothing hurt me...nothing touched me...nothing could destroy men....how come ppl have access to my heart now...it's annoying...I don't want it to be that way.....today something silly made me cry.....something really silly...I couldn't biliv how much the past 5 months has changed me......The old me would have turned my back on the bitch and walked away and forgotten her for the rest of my life...serves me right for caring for ppl....serves me right for begining to love ppl again.......they don't deserve my love...they just don't......

I know I'm wrong...but I can't afford to get hurt...I just can't........not any more.......

Every time I make up my mind to walk away something draws me back to the past........This time around it's gonna be me who is gonna break away......It's gonna be me.........

Sheesh...y da rocket am I crying?.........

Kissed by an Angel !!!!

Yesterday was an amazing amazing day.....Had a ball of a time with my angel......its amazing how he can put a huge smile on my face, make your heart sway, make you all tongue tied, send shivers down your spine & make your life complete, hmmm................I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay.......I so don't know how I drove home........It was the most amazing kiss I've ever tasted.....ever ever tasted...and ever will taste.........

Its amazing how the pain of loving some one too deeply can feel like pleasure......it is the only pleasure I would ever want in this life......It kills me, confuses me....makes me hate my self...make me hate him......but at the same time makes me wanna spend the rest of my life with him....

I saw him close his eyes.....and clenching his fist.......I didn't know what was happening.....Guess I will be on cloud No. 9 for the rest of this week...hehehehe......Waiting doesn't seem to be hard n e more.......even if it takes eternity to fulfil my dream....my only dream......

God has been good to me amidst the wicked kid I've been the past week...He seems to open out more doors and windows than I expected him to...when there just seemed to be no other way.........I have stopped worrying about today let alone tomorrow......coz I have handed over everything to my father in heaven who will provide me with all I need (may not be what I want all the time...but what I need...and whats good for me)....I trust him to take care of me just like he does take care of the birds and the beasts.....Love him ppl...Trust him.....

Was tempted by Astrology the the past two days....I know I shouldn't have gone further....but I didn't have the strength to say no...The slimy veasel just doesn't seem to let me be.....

God Bless u !!!

Somethings you crave for are better left unreceived....coz the minute u receive it, it makes you feel empty.....or rather wish it was never given to you....hehehehe

Jesus Rocks !!!!

Loaded with work...but If I didn't testify what happened in public...then my day just wouldn't be complete.....Last night my dad had left the office door wide open....it was amazing that everything remained untouched till morning.....Priase the Lord......With him around I need none.....

I was ashamed of myself that I was keeping my distance from my master the past 2 weeks........Life was one massive roler coaster....It started giving me everything I have ever wanted...and what did this ungrateful lil bitcch do...go ahead and forget the mighty one who made everything possibel.....

There is a huge mission in my hands...a massive one.....I know I will not be abke to complete it with my own wisdom. power,and energy.........I depend on My Lord like I depend on the sun to give me light and the moon to give me a peceful night......Please him......and thou sahll be pleased........

I am so darn happy.....darn happy forgiving.......The evil sprirt got me by surprise last week and I almost crossed the border to the other world.....but no...Its all an act of choice......

Had a ball of day on the 7th.....with my lil angel....my best friend in the whole wide world.....sheesh...that sure kept me smiling for a long time...hehehehe.....wooohooooooo

10% from the bottom of my heart for the one who shed his very blood for me !!!

Yesterday was horriblby annoying.......I couldn't sleep, the voices were calling me...they wern't asking me to come back...they were seeking me to bring me down...to destroy my faith.....I couldn't stand it..I had to go sleep with my parents......it was horrible......the voices were eeerieeeeee.......I know why they are trying to get me.....

Everything started flashing infronta me......Faith alone isn't enough, my life wasn't 100% in track with his will......Seduction still rules my life.....I've found the perfect, but still the spirit romes......Tithing wasn't happening...I think I must, but never do......I laze.......Procrastinate.........I don't put God first....I forget him half of the day......how can I expect him to bless me when I treat him like a spare tyre at the back of the vehi, only taken notice of when the wheels go wonky......

Change is hard, difficult....dicipline is torture,....boring....annoying....too goody two shoeish...but I must....

Finally learnt the basics about tithing....sorted out mosta my doubts.......its just 10%.......10% to the man who has given us his all...10% to the man who will guide me for the resta my life.........Its not supposed to be given to church...y? coz thats what the pastors make merry outa.....BULLSHIT...finally realsied that it just ain't my business to judge...it just aint.....it's his...in his time..he will judge the right, the wrong and the looney......it just ain't my business...I don't have to rack my brains to think logiocal.....strive hard to control the universe.....its his business and not mine..........

Satanism was the way of the world....too many masters to serve.....Now it's just one master...and one way...and it is his way.........

Let da Man Upstairs Rock Ur World !!!

I feel like I'm being pressured by all corners.....I some times wanna vanish in to thin air......If my master was the demon it wouldn't be a big deal, but I can't even think of a vanishing act now.....I live for my masters glory, coz I know he is gonna pull me through.......just stating em words here feels amazing. I know he would intervene at the very last moment, when my faith grows thin...when the ground feels like broken glass.....I know he ain't gonna let me down........For that past 5 months...I survived with faith and faith alone...and for the resta my life...I shall do the same.......

I am about to have an encounter with another paganist.....Every time I try to pull away a satanist from darkness....my life falls deeper in to torment...but I ask the dear lord to give me strength to stand strong and do his will.....

He's given me more than I could ever ask for......Love him more than I can say......

Soulmates

Today was such a slow, frustrating and annoying day.....Got caught in the middle of a protest campagn...my legs have gone for a six clinging on to the clutch........it was a scary experience since my aunt and the buyer who was in the car simply walked out on me leaving me alone......yeah, she did come back, but still...she left me.......had a horrible time trying to get outa the traffic and driving back to work.......all drained.................

I slept like a baby for the first time at work coz I was daggered down with a terrible, horrible, dirty headache..........Was brutally woken up by a call from my lil angel........What has he got planned in that scheming lil mind of his this time around....I'm still to find out......

In my mind he was always always a work of art...I honoured him for his individuality and unique behaviour..........but....not any more....at least not since yesterday.............He was the safest person I could hang around with...I loved him to bits........but nooo..I don't feel the same any more...........and it annoys me......I shouldm't have listened to other ppl...but there is a truth in all they say...he can turn outa be dangerous...yes I know he loves me....I know he cares...but he sure has a wiered way of showing it.............Im confused...messed up...All I want him to do is hate me and let me be.....but he doesn't....EVEN TODAY..he did something adorable......may be it's time to confront him and tell him the truth about me having moved on.......hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Soulmates...soulmates........soulmates.........u can't with them...neither without em...........

Flustered !!!

I found out the truth about my lil angel today......It hurts...It shattered me...It tore me to peices.....just to know that he ain't nothing I thot he was.....no more chances...no more favours.....no more nothing.....I break all ties......The word good bye (forever) has been a frequent word in my vocabulary these days........but Good bye is better than "Good night....I grant u permission to mess with my mind".......

I made a firm decesion about conning...true I do it for the fun of it...but no longer would I ........ I deceided so many times over...but I get tempted to, when I see a scattered up stupid pee brain...hehehe.....

I'm saddened...deeply saddened by the truth...but at the same time...I am thrilled about fixing the biggest peice of the puzzle which was missing from my past....I don't think that I would have a peaceful night today...neither did I have one yesterday......My Lord serves me only the best of what life has to offer !!! Even tho it hurts...I must let him sweep away the garbage disrupting my walk of life......

Casanova........HeHe

For sum reason, I happen to be highly facinated by casanova....nah..I don't at all approve his flamboyant behaviour, but he facinates me coz he is a talented con artist....hehehe

The folowing are some of Giacomo Casanova's Quotations that caught me eyes...check em out...

1) I have always loved truth so passionately that I have often resorted to lying as a way of introducing it into the minds which were ignorant of its charms.

(2) Best plan in this world is to be astonished at nothing.

(3) Essence of freedom consists in thinking you have it.

(4) Made a point of forgetting everything unpleasant.

(5) One never knows enough.

(6) Timidity is often another word for stupidity.

(7) Those who do not love life do not deserve it.

(8) I know that I have lived because I have felt, and, feeling giving me the knowledge of my existence, I know likewise that I shall exist no more when I shall have ceased to feel.

Sumthing struck me when reading the last quote.........I remember selling all my feelings to the demon in my own room..I sold my feeling..I sold my soul.....the process of receiving them back hurts.....

I wish I didn't feel...life was less complicated when I didn't feel.....I never felt love...only pleasure...never felt lonely, but loved the solitude....It ain't like that any more..things are changing.......and feelings hurt.......

Au Reviour for now...

-Lil Player Girl singing off- (",)

God Bless Ya.....& Faith shall set ya free.........

Bad Day...........

Did a terrible mistake in busines today...horrible, terrible mistake......Blood is still on the boil.....hehehe...what to do what to do...Learning my lessons the hard way......

I suddenly feel drifted from God.......Need to make a visit to his mansion soon, before I feel guilty about the cold shoulder treatment I am giving him....hehehe

God is good........all the time.......I know he won't give up on me even if I did.....He never did then..and he never will now....

I was looking for selfless love.....something eternal....other then of God....and I finally found it..I know I did........but..the question is whether I want it or not.....I thot it would make me contended and whole....but it didn't.........It doesn't........I have begun to detest love....specially the spiritual love....the emotional manupulation....Find it annoying.....Changes are taking place in my overworked brain...changes which I don't comprehend.......Will not attampt to comprehend either....

God Bless Ya.....

Two sides to every Story

It hurts to know that every one who crosses my path has his or her own ulterior motives. The one supplier I trusted to help me out in all my dealings proved this yesterday.....It all comes down to them wanting to be involved in everything you do....No am I gonna let n e one even get close to advicing me......I've had with it.....Life is turning out bright...why? coz God is there with me every second of the day...I don't have to deal with the tension and pressure no more....The minute I begin to feel it..I simply pray to lift it off me. He helps me keep my head dtrsaight even when the troubles are rapping heavy on me window pain....

I wanna love him more...more and more...but sometimes...I can't show him how much...I sure hopehe undersatnds....

Ouch...got a rusty allergy aroung me eye...red and itchy..finally managed to channel a doc thru me phone....(feeeling all hi tech)...hehehehe....K...I'm horribly freaked out.......I don't wanna look like a red tomatoes...Im happy being the lil peice of charcole......hehehehe

Got a lot on my mind...car gone wonkey...need it fixed...gotta pay me mobile bill...for once dialog has not barred it....gone more than 1000/= excess......hmm..............too much to handle......Help me !!!!!

You Again !!!

Awwww the weekend was darn hectic...didn't have time for myself at all.....wanted to clean up cyclone devastated room...but procrastination sneaked peeked in to me brain that it still remains the same...hmmm........Ouch.....had to drive my folks to a freaking funeral at 10 pm last night....was half asleep, but didn't wanna refuse...thank God to the radio stations that kept me awake...

Me lil angel said that he missed me yesterday....was on cloud number 9 !!!! (But..why would I be???) hmm.....Imagine is he said n e thing more....hehehe.....not that he would ever get another chance...but to be loved by him means more than the world to me.....(strange mixed up kid)...hehehe

You

Hmmm...just made myself a Yummy Creamy Huge Mug of Milkshake out of Kulfi Iecream.......the best milkshake I've ever had...the feel of nuts crunching with every guzzle...it's amazing...ouch...now I suffer the consequenses...I'm too full to do anything (",)

Was in a very curious mood last evening and went about my usual glaring ritual.....unfortunately got caught...It was embarassing...Ouch !!!

Last night was annoying....My mind was filled with thouts of you.....I thought about the times I lingered around your house, just to be with you and watch you. You were my heaven then, you were everything I lived for........Remember the time I was so down and you told me that you know what would make me feel better and that I knew it too...but I wouldn't ask it from you....If you knew why didn't you make me feel better.....would it hurt you to make me feel loved ??? :(

Never felt a love sweeter than yours that I am trapped and unable to move away from your world.....You don't want me as just a firend...you don't want me as more than a friend.....I so can't comprehend what you expect of me.....I wanna stay away..but you just wouldn't let me go...why??? why does thou keep haunting my world....

I remember the times, I wished and wished that you would just hold my hand...I wished to feel your warmth....but now i see you as a cold cold being...there's nothing warm in you......I cherish the moments you used to stroke my hair and look deep in to my soul with those twinkling eyes.....I miss those days...I miss being there for you.......hehehe.......

I know you still got your hopes high about me waiting around till you are through......but sorry my lil angel..I'm actually on my way out...It's time I let go of you completely, destroy the picture I have of you in my soul.....oull em out from the roots.......I hop you find your way in here someday...and read all the dedications I have for you.....coz I in my right mind would never let you find out...coz I know it is gonna hurt ya...hurta ya deep.......

I hid a lot from you the past few months.....and I'm sorry I did....

I gtget going......gotta lot in hand to do..including going to a totally godforsaken place to pick up some stuff for mumsy.....

Before I go....Let me remind you that..."God is good....ALL THE TIME" !!!