Standing on the edge......

Something took me by surprise today.....Keeping a smile on my face 24/7 is getting darn difficult.....Judging me by my old sadistic behaviour, someone very close to me said made a statement about me not being able to face facts...that if my yoke gets heavier than this, I might consider commiting suicide........Wow...how little they know of me......

If My Dear Lord hadn't taken hold of my pathetic soul..yes I would have commited suicide 4 months back.....nut he did...and I ain't a coward no more..not to face the light..the truth and the world...Im a surviver, a fighter....a biliver in my masters mightyness......Thats all is left for me now...he is all I got......There comes a time, where even your own blood walks away from you......an unexplainable lonliness comes over me.....It's only my faith that keeps me going.......My yoke gets so darn heavy at times...than I just wanna leave everything and run away...but I dare not......If I did, then whn will I ever get another chance to let my master bless me....how can I glorify his holy name.........I know he will pull me though....I know he will........

Last night I felt his presence...I was brutally woken up by a thud on my bed.....it was Mr. Evil Guy up to his pranks again......I rebuked him in my masters name......till he cudn't take it no more and left......

Put A smile on your face, and make the world a better place....

When noting else in the world can put a smaile on your face, or make you sit till and breath easy....the only thing that keeps me going is.....My Matser...it's amazing how he works subtley.........I fail him everyday....but the best part is I feel the undying, unlimited love he has to offer.....

Hoodoo
--------

The wierdest guy I've known....geez I wish I knew whats running in his head.......How can he expect n e one to fall in love with him? hehehe.........what is he? Chappathi gone wrong ?

Desperado
-----------

Desp - I'll be the best boyfriend ever
Tough Cookie - No Desp - Please say yes
TC - NO Desp -
Thats was a yes and your my gf now...right
TC - No gomme time.....(geez freaking 2 a.m in the night...a NO would mean that the ass would be calling all night)

Desp - say yes now...and say no tomorrow...(geez what a jack ass)
TC - silent... (I need sum sleep).....Listen I'm going out with some one...
Desp - Break up with him...I know u like me more...
TC - Ok...nights...I gtget sum sleep here....
Desp - Can I ask u something....r u a virgin
TC - Geez Yeah....wuld that be a problem for you....c....no way...so its a NO....so get lost..nights.. Desp - Yeah...I can handle that...but no...u ain't a a virgin ya? that can't be true.....
TC- Well...Sry....that is the truth......and I intend being so till marraige.....and nothing in the world can change that policy....
Desp - Ok...so u r my gf...and nights....ok...that is a yes ...ya....and u will come clubbing with me ya?
TC - Cuts the line....

Ouch....why is sex such a huge part in a relationship...and what in the world is so hot about clubbing.......fast life...nothing else to do....jobless...ya....living on the edge and bustin out every cet on fantacy is cool.......but nah...those r for the immature who doesn't know the truth...theres more to truth than a wild life......

I'm sicka the world spinning da way it's spinning.....but let it spin.......I needa make me master happy..and not n e one else ya? So thats the way I'll choose to go.....May be I'll be loney...may be I'll not have n e one when time to come...may be,,I will be outcasted just coz I love me master more than the world...but who fucking cares...coz that's the hand dat feedeth me...dats the soul that'll never leave me.....

My My Living Master Bless Ya !!!!

Prince of Darkness........

You suddenly sit and wonder why you are alone......and why you let him slip past you? :( U know he holds vengence in his heart...you know that he detests you coz you let him go......but what else could you have done............it hurts o wathch the one you love get hurt by you......U think they r better off without you......u hope and pray they's realise it some day..........

U want to still be their friend.....their very best freind....you want to share their ups and downs...you love them...you love them too much, that you don't want them n e where close to your pathetic life..........

They accuse you for seeing another....you let them biliv what they want......if only they knew why? hmmm............. blame me for not speaking up? blame me for not speaking the truth..I'm sorry....if I did .......... U & I would never be what we are.........no I ain't another biach..........Just a woman who hungers for..........

Speaking of hunger......yes there was a time I was hungry for your soul and thirsty for your blood.......I wanted your blood running in my veins instead of your own.....I wanted to live in your soul and watch every thought, word & deed.......coz it felt like we were not 2 but one.............but no not n e more....I had to go....had to leave you....I had to leave you before I possessed you....before I could show you what my world is really made of...Or may be..just may be..I realised that you didn't want to make an attempt to open them iron gates and walk in to my world.......

It too late now.....things have gone from sour to stale.........I harbour no anger......but I cry for you to know the truth....I want you to know that you were everything in my life.....and I miss every minute we spent together.....It's amazing how you made me feel.....It's amazing how I suddenly wanted to love some one with all my heart, wanting nothing back..........but yes.....you did start playing with my paranoid mind.......just when I started to love you and trust you with all my heart........

You opened the doors of my secret garden, where I was once locked up in chains..........you showd me reality, light & the truth...........I don't know whether to blame you or thank you....coz reality is harsh..and I can't handle this brightness..I just can't.....the truth keeps striking me in my eyes and making me blind to drakness...the lil dark corners I used to hide are all lit up.....where do I hide now....who shall protect me....not that you would have offered my soul n e security......but your flesh and blood did put my world at peace.......Thank you for loving me...loving me and hating me......they say theres just a thin line between love and hate......I understand how u feel.......U feel betrayed....lied to......I'm sorry.......but my reasons were pure.........

My only hope is for you to know and love the lord before you close your eyes.....your life ain't long baby.....so is mine......repent and love him..love him more than you loved me....(I felt your love...the first time I truely felt love....)....but gods love is sweeter.....sweet as honey....sweeter than yours.......his blessing can be compared to your honey suckle kisses......but em blessing come in showers.......and its pure and saliva free (",)

Oh myy gosh..Imagine if I begin to enter the names of the I deidicate my journal pages to...ahaha utter chaos.......hehehe.....The thot did cross my mind...but nah.....I'm kidding......suspense...sweet suspense...let me torture you with suspense

Bored.....................

Ain't really complaining.....but awwwwwwwwwwww.........I'm bored.............It's been a while since I felt this way..heheheheh.........been a while since I wrote anything in here....hmmm......life's been good...darn good....nah...who am I kidding......:)

God's been good.......yeah...life gets a lil wonky not being naughty.....but then again......no gains outa being evil either.....hmmm....Just don wanna drift away again thats for sure.......

Theres nothing much to write ovr here these days..Life is lil peaceful..........No vengence...No anger...no nothing.....no critisizms either.....awww yeah.......hmm...nah...rather not state it here.....the dude is in my friend's list...heehhehehe

Dissapointments in galore...but I am learning to handle em..who said one is a winner every day......

Have a Rick Rocking Week.................Arrrhhhhhhggggggg....Boooooooooored !!!!!!!!!!!!!! (",)

The Spin Cycle.....

Hmmmm.....Glad to be alive...work has been getting me drained...but geeez...I enjoy every bit of it......Religion has taken the back seat again...I struggle to cling on to my master....the world seems to have got in the middle.....but no...none can drag me away form him...I feel so drained somedays that I can fall asleep in office, right there at my seat......and driving ha sbeen a dangerous voyage sometimes....but he has pulled me thorugh it all...Praise him !!!

Seeing and hearing things have made my world crumble apart...Families of loved ones falling apart....I sit and ponder as to why they can't understand the simple mechanism of family life......I want to put things together..make things right...but I can't.....

Temptation is leaving me alone....It's has become easier to say no to the hottest of em than to stay away from chocolates....Dating, playing around....nah...not worth it....I hope everybody realizes it sooner than later.....I've been blessed with the courage and strangth to wait for the King of My Castle......It's a crazy world out there...one lil trip and it will swallow you deep in to the pits of hell......I ain't ashamed..I'm just going through a phase..realising the right from wrong...making mistakes...sometimes mistakes that should never be made......ain't my fault...

Hmmmm.....As promised to write about sexual crime....just wanna point out about a couple of stuff which are so wrong...I can't biliv I actually approved them when I was in darkeness.....chee cheee..naughty Girl !!!

The biggest Crime - MASTURBATION / SELF PLEASURING

Arn't we on cloud number 9..hehehe....True..relaxes you...takes you away from all the frustration of not being able to either have a lover...or having a lover & not being able to have the so called act of "SEX".......It's a common thing..every body does it....It's done in private...why would it hurt anyone??? I had the same freaking questions....but none could give me a proper answer...until my Mentor explained...y and how to stay away....(It states no where that I experienced it...so don't assume...thank u)!!!

Ok...botton line...biliv in GOD...keep thy bodies pure 4 it is his temple....lust invites dark forces......I have failed...I have slipped...but one needs to pick one's self up again before rolling down the hill to the bottomless pit.....It ain't easy.....Young..tempted..restless souls we are...It's easy to go astray...its easy coz the world that is taboo is beautiful...Bring all your frustrations to the Lord....wait till he shows you your life partner....Falling in love with someone doesn't confirm anything.....One can't decide by himself who his or her soul mate would be...It's the mighty one's choice....He who bilivs in the mighty one shall never go wrong....Thats for sure.....

Crime No. 2 - Gay / Lesbian

Hot ??? I think NOT !!! It ain't a deformity....it's a decesion made by choice......I did sympathise em one time...but no..I say they need to change.....It doesn't seem right in God's Kindom.....Don't wan't to provoke n e one..so shall just stop at that....

Crime No 3 - BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Submission - Sadism and Masochism)

Quote from link - ----------------

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

"BDSM" is an acronym of "B&D" (Bondage & Discipline), "D&S" (Dominance & Submission), and "S&M" (sadomasochism). "BDSM" refers to any or all of these things, and a lot of stuff besides.

Tying up your lover is BDSM; so is flogging that person, or bossing that person around, or any of a thousand other things. BDSM is highly erotic, usually (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension; and is highly psychologically charged. One person (the "submissive") agrees to submit to another person (the "dominant").

Some people like to be submissive all the time, some people like to be dominant all the time; some people like to switch, being submissive one day and dominant the next.

Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even necessarily being aware of it. They may think of "S&M" as "That sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff," yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream...

All of these things are "BDSM." BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism; it can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover's body qualifies as "BDSM" (specifically, of a variety called "sensation play").

Unquote ---------------

Ok...the above is a basic definition.........but why.....??? Is it so cool to not get turned on naturally.......Go figure...do a lil research for your self to find out whats right and wrong.......

The heat is driving me nuttzzz......I feel numb......and the man of my dreams not knowing that I've got the hots for him is dribing me nuttier....damn..he probably thinks I hate him to death.....Just like Judy Girl...hehehehe

Adios..and have a nice weekend.....

Intensity !!!

What Would Happen -(Meridith Brooks)

Electricity, eye to eye
Hey don't I know you I can't speak
Stripped my senses
On the spot
I've never been defenseless
I can't even make sense of this
You speak and I don't hear a word

Chorus: What would happen if we kissed
Would your tongue slip past my lips
Would you run away, would you stay
Or would I melt into you
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust
Spontaneously combust

The room is spinning out of control
Act like you didn't notice
Brushed my hand

Forbidden fruit
Ring on my finger
You're such a moral, moral man
You throw it away, no question
Will I pretend I'm innocent

I struggle with myself again
Quickly the walls are crumbling
Don't know if I can turn away


Head is spinning.....the song says it all.....love is a crazy crazy game.....this song is one of em songs that explians about the very moment of getting sucked in to the flames....the very moment a woman falls....hmm......n e way...

I say again and again...Don't read my journal if it offends you, I really, honestly & truely don't intend offending n e one....I just write, may it be harsh, mild or absolute bunkum....I write what I can't say...what I can't express....I hate the thot of arguing face to face...or stating my point face to face...no I ain't a coward....Just that I do not want to listen to what u have got to say...no opinions (THANK U, but NO THANK U) !!!

It's been a great day...coz I started the day with My Master....and when ever things went wrong it was handed over immediately....My strengths do not come from within me n e more...it comes from the heavenly father....Don't think I ain't strong..I am very strong...but not with my own powers....but with powers greater than mine....

I keep telling my self that I have to write about a coupla things...yeah heavy stufff....very heavy stuff....Logic and religion...fake faith.....sexual fantacy....sexual crimes....(ermmm arn't we drooling....but I intend speaking of noting dirty)......

Hmmmm.....as much as I wanna write...I gotta boogy before I get throttled by my folks for living at work....

God Bless Ya !!!

Amazing Grace...Saved a Wretch Like Me!!!

It's amazing the way my master is leading me.....Leading me to greener pastures.....sweeter honey......I can feel him hold my hand....it's secure than any hand I ever held.....It's tight grip tells me not to worry...to stay calm..and stay strong....Lord...my only God will deliver me from all evil....

I fall...I trip...but he reaches out and helps me back on my feet.....I can't help but fall in love with him over and over again......My mind is at rest...My mind is at peace.....

I don't remember having a deeper love for anyone or anything....atleast not as deep as this. I can't explain how he grabbed my heart and soul...and how much deeper he is gonna stir it....But I yearn for him like I've yearned for no other.....I yearn for him to speak....I wish He could sit me down and talk to me...but thats the beaty of it all...my private converation with the love of my life. No one hears...no one knows....they think I'm crazy muttering away on my own....but only I know the joy he giveth......Only I feel the satisfaction he provides my soul.....My Lord, My Master...My All !!!

He Leads Me through doors studded with jewels...he leads me through streets of gold....what more can I ask for....I ain't talking material....Im talking about every step he guides me to take.....He gives me things No demonic force could ever offer me...(Crsuh that deceiving rat)!!!

Turn to God...He will never let you down....He will still keep lovinmg you and loving you more when the world throws you away.....He is possessive...he is jealous.....but I wouldn't want it n e other way......I want him to want me more and more every single second of the day.....I fear him..but I love him more than I fear him.....Hail My Master !!!

God Bless you !!!

Does Love Make Or Break ???

I'm Still Nutzzz about him....trying my best to get a hold of those emotions running wild..hehehe...but no regrets what so ever....

The past week was nothing but hectic...anxiety took the better of me I guess.....I'm glad I had him to hold my hand & carry me through.....

There were so many instances I was tested....tested left,right & centre.....but Yippy..I've conquered em all......

I learnt one thing last week.....do what's right even if the world laughs at you and corners you.....no backsliding.....and I'm thankful that I'm blessed with a mentor not only in heaven but on earth as well....some one to stop me at the beging of the hell hole...a guy who speaks the truth even tho it hurts.......This I never asked my father...but he has provided me.....

I know I will be faltering this week....theres enuf chances to..infact I want to.....My evil lil prince speaks to me..tempts me......and I'm freaked out about taking the next step......I wanna go back, when life was much easier to live..much easier to handle.......I wanna go back to the illusions.....Live in dreams... wanna go back to the times when Guilty wasn't a word in my vocabulary.......

I feel torn apart......torn by everything.....torn by love unreachable.......life which is testing....but Still I stand in his light.......thats what's amazing.....

God Bless You !!!

Nothing compares to his love !!!

Came to work for a short while......did some shopping on the way for mum......Wish I was on camp..was waiting to go for it...but unfortunately...quite outa da blue I am feeling way under the weather......may be due to over exhaustion...or I donno........May be the evil one is trying to break me away from my Lord...which he will never succeed doing...coz I am very well clung to me master...the master of light........

There are no words to explain how much I love my new master...and I'd do nothing to hurt him or bring ill repute to him......he has now given me the strength and the courage to say no to my weaknesses...

The world is wild...rocking...and pleasurable...but short lived.....My Masters love matters to me much much more than what the world can ever offer me.....It's easy to falter...but challenging to stay sane and do right....With his grace I will....not by order, but by will.....

God Bless you !!!

I'm still vicious...just be careful.....

Life sucks even more than it used to........true love is no where.....forget bout true love....there's not one genuine person on this fucking planet. They either want your money...or a peek in your pants....geeez.....

Is it something wrong with me..or sometjing wroth with the world.I so don't know.....The truth is I ain't in love with anyone...nor do I fancy anyone...

My mission to find the perfect 10 is over.....I finally figured that their exists no perfect Mr. Right...or anyone close to that.....its just a big fat illusion....The ones who are perfect are either outa reach....or so outa type....ouchy baby !!!!!!

Thou shall leave me alone...coz I can read your mind.....If you are wise.....very wise.......you'll drop your pants.....and run without ever turning back.....No I don't need your fucking love..neither do I need your fucking affection.....Your possessions I need none....I've judged you enuf...thou art a loser...a fucking loser......I simply ask thee to leave me alone.....get over me...I ain't for you......I never loved you ...and never will......thy flattery goes so unheard coz my ears are deaf to all your words.......

You can't turn back n e thing.....I've already judged....u made me do it....I'm sorry...u will never have me...coz u can't turn back time.......I don't waste my love on ingrates.....

This is fucking why I turned outa be a satanist...coz of freaking Christians like you....God does not provide dough for free...it involves hard work....sweat, blood and tears.....and all you fuckers think that things will be served on silver platters as and when...my asss..

The world ticks me off..yeah it does.....why da fuck does every individual have to be so freaking selfish....

Two fucking years and Mission yet not accomplished.......Hmmmmm......Fuck U !!!!

My Lord melts rock whilst the evil one can only melt butter !!! (teeehheeehheee)

This posting was actually meant to be done yesterday...but unfortunately...the wicked old one didn't want me to share the good news.....that it didn't get posted.....Who does he think he is.....he has no control of my flesh, blood or my very soul...he is out of my life...I am purified by the blood of my Lord almighty.....my tattered...dirty rugged vengeful garments are washed clean......the wicked lil rat can attack me from left, right and centre...but he shall not let see me fall...for now I stand tall in the name of my mighty farther.....the only one who did not judge me...the only one who forgave me with all his heart.....and took me back from the puddle of mud I was swimming in circles....like a blind bat with broken wings....

I was weakand weighed down.....he invited me to weep in his arms...and leave all my sorrow,hurt, anger and my heavy burden at his feet so that he can squash it all away with one trod.....He did not ask me anything in return...he did't demand my time...my money.....nothing at all....he only asked me to open my heart so that he can walk in....NO.....not to control me.....not to use me...but to give me happiness, joy and peace....to put a smile on my face...forever.....to melt the tears which never touched my cheecks...and to melt the heart that never felt.....He doesn't force me to stay.....but I know that he yearns for my loyalty & my faithfulness......

I fled from the luxury of his magnificient palace once...you think I'm a fool to flee again....U lil demonic rat...thou shall not be allowed to even touch a single strand of my hair.....let alone take over my soul......I am a child of god...and I always will be.....I will bite the hand that disillusioned me...I promise you that......you shall not walk the same path I walk or where ever I have layed my eyes or walked my feet.......You shall not have a single to chance to mess with any one of the souls I know.....I will torment you and make you beg for mercy......

Leave all your burdens at My Masters feet.....and lay thy head on his shoulders....He will lead you where you have to go.....for he & he alone holds the present & the future........

God Bless you !!!

Its Good to be Rocking With da Lord dan Alone !!!

Life is as usual..a hectic rolercoaster......but Its amazing how peaceful it is to be walking with the Lord...The most amazing things are happening in my life....The tears which I never knew existed are flowing freely from my eyes again..(This may sound dramatic..but this is the truth)....Satanism is no Joke....it makes you cold and hard hearted...feelingless and evil....its takes away your soul.....

I harbour no anger...everyting is washed away....I know that for sure...No...I ain't dangerous anymore....I promise....

Give the man upstairs a chance...make it not a half hearted chance....and he will see you through.....I promise you that.....I who thot that one needs to have control of everything wround him including himself...tells you that there is a greater power than yourself.....It's tried and tested...Satanism is a piped dream itself.....not worth it...Astrology is a freaking lie too.....A big fat lie...

Its a lil hard not to ask a person's date of birth before getting to know him/her....but figured it ain't worth it....just not worth it..coz at the end of the day..no astro or occult has power over the might one I got to know......

HATE ME FOR CHANGING MY RELIGION.....and all I can do is love you till you come and taste the truth of life. Take a sip ...and I promise you..u'll want more....

God Bless you !!!

Not exactly revived from the dead !!!

Ups & Downs & All arounds....it sucks when life weighs you down....and no I still can't get myself to depend on the man upstairs......I wish I do reember him when I'm in trouble..but the prob is I don't.....hmmm

Well about writing a whole loada crap on my journal....does it really matter to others.....If one wants to read it, they are free to do so..but if one looks down upon what I write...it sure ain't my business..and it wouldn't stop me from writing...I write for a purpose...and definetely not novels, fairy tales with happy endings or fiction, but about the raw adventures of my life.....Bullimia, Anorexia, SAD, Stanism, Occult on the whole....ups and downs.....

Please if anyone has ever gone through the above..I'd love to have a chat with you....I write so that ppl will relaise how follish it is to turn away from life's natural path......I turned away..hit the ground and wasted more than 6 years of my precious youth.....But I don't regret a freaking second.....But I could have done better without...hehehe...

Plz...try not to read what I write and bad mouth it....Read it if it inspires you...read it if you are curious....send me a msg if you want help or wanna know n e thing more.......and PLEAZE...don't dare read it if it offends you..don't even bother....

Yeah..I write about ppl in my life..ppl who come and go..ppl whom I treasure...ppl I detest....and about ppl I love.....But no names are disclosed...But if I do feel like it..I just might...so try not to harp too much about about what I write....

I still own a few souls...like it or not...the time hasn't still come to release em...I don't know when...so hang in there and hope for the best.......

The first guy I ever loved with all my heart is moving on....moving on to settling down...but little does he know that I still own his soul...I wanna let go and throw it away and watch it smash to the ground...but no I can't...atleast not yet....so..he can move on...but a part of him will always be with me....until I release it in my time....A proper appology is all it takes......hehehehe.....I pity the woman who is after him....I really do......

Biliving that I just might be dangerous is may be a lil difficult to biliv...but I am......so watch out...don't mess with me...u can tare me down....pin me to the ground...but I'll rise and shine right in front of your eyes..blinding you for eternity.....

End Of Da Long Dark Tunnel !!!

Sometimes....somethings are better left on the way.....y? coz it hurts to c them hurt you.....and it hurts to c that u've hurt them back.

Love is miraculous.....the words "I Love You" should not be taken for granted...never...not for one freaking second.....what am I implying? A lottta things....Things unspoken...things which will never be spoken.....my heart is still rock...cold cold rock...and I will not show mercy to n e one who spikes my soul......

This walk I've begun with the Lord is aamzing and peaceful.....at least I know it will be the minute I submit totally..without compromising.....Thou shall look down upon me...but my only wish for you is that "YOU BE SAVED"

Yes....I am powerful in the name of the dark powers.....but now I feel strippied down...exposed...and scared.....which makes me wanna run back in to darkness and cling on to that wretched, evil, moster, who binds my eyes with a classy pair of Georgio Armani's which makes me see the world in an inferior point of view...

Thou shall not lie to me or con me....coz I can see through you...I own your soul....and there is nothing you can do bout it...I own your soul till I decide to let go...and when I do decide...take it and run for shelter....before I take my next step to destroy you....rip you apart...with my axe of vengence.....(oops..form where is this coming from) ??

Thou does not love me....plz speak no lies.....coz the words are all there...but but the deeds arn't even nigh..........Thou doesn't care what I do..how I feel...where I am.....whether I'm safe...torn...broken....or unhappy....thou only care for thy self......and I can see it...I can see through you.....I can see the thruth....

I bid farwell..never to return again....my heart is pure...coz I din't liv a lie...But I would't be hurting you by judging you again...your free to go....you r free to do what you please...the chains of love that bound you are broken.....Thou doesn't have to lie ever again.....I wouldn't wanna be a part time lover...but your everything....if its not so...then I'd rather be your nothng.....

I miss you...and sumtimes I wish you were mine for life....My Sweet Pirate....I release your soul...My blessings be with you, your entire life...your all......

All Smiles.........

The weekend was amazing, he made it even better....seeing that smile and those sparkling eyes can actually keep me going more than a coupla weeks........Hehehehe.....It sure would...

Life has become a lil more than a rolercoaster rde....whooooomp........can't help wondering what I'm getting myself in to...but for once...it all feels good... Y? Coz I know I am not alone...that the power of the might one is holding me high....

I've completed my lil black book...alll victims are pinned dwon to the ground...Yeah I sometimes wish I hadn't done what I did...but its all in the past now...It's all in the past....their souls are under my power.....geeezzzz..not for long...I need to release em...don't need no more sin to follow me...

The last one bit the dust on Good Friday...hehehehehe...I sure want to do more damage than I have already done...but no...the desire to cause havoc has left my soul.....it just aint worth it...just ain't......

Half the victims are there on Hi5....they are in the disguise of lovey dowvey friends...but no....they arnt.......They are wolves in sheep skin.....I wanna fogive you totally...totally one last time.....It ain't easy.but I will...I'm no longer an eliment to worry about.....your safe....but I'm warning you.keep away...........don't provoke me......coz I don't watch and wait...I sting with all my might............

His Smile...........His Eyes...........

I wanna beg you to smile again..........stare in to my eyes again........I don't know what to say, coz I am too mesmerized.....way too mesmerized......It hurts to stay sane....that you just wanna get high on sleeping pills and slide back in to the dream world where u r with him...and only him.....

A huge part of my stupid freaking brain tells me that it's all an illusion...a big fat illusion.........but it hurts....it hurts more than it hurt before....

I feel scared to think of him.......dream of him......call him...let alone msg him.........id he really a superior creature...or am I letting him be superior in my disillusioned, blurry world? I don't know.I really don't know...I wish I did tho.......He has managed to haunt my day and worst of all the night....he has managed to plant a sick blop of anxiety where there used to be a moster by the name of "appetite"......He has managed to make my limbs fidgety and my look a stare....

Its 10.42 a.m...will complete me lil journal in the evening....mmmvahhhh

k...back again........

At a funeral last week.......I was walking towards the cemetary along with the crowd...and in front of me was a skinny girl with straight brwon heair....trust me I envied her with all my heart..her straight pose...her hair...her posture....I wished my hair was shimmering as hers instead of the messy lock of curls (which had always been a problem)...I wish I had washboard abs like hers...I wished so many things...for a second I was so focused on everything I am not...I even considedred being fair skinned (which I wouldn't wanna become for a million dollars..hehehehehe)...

It occured to me what a fool I was when I actually saw her face, she was one of em speacial children....(retarted in plain cruel english :-( )...Geez.....it sure did hit me on the head....for the first time.....It tore me apart....it made me hide my face in shame for all the envy I was daggering at her.........hmmmmmmmm............

I bumped in to some one who made me go back to thinking about the special child I saw last week....it humbled my rage...my stupidity and my envy......

Being contended about who you are ain't the most easiest thing to do....but yeah...with a lil bita attempt ...contentment is urs all yours.

Stuck in the past.............

Past does keep haunting me over and over again....I keep hurting everyone in the present...just becoz my past is fucked up !!!!...I can say sorry a million times...but end up making the same mistake again...walking away from the present...coz the future is blurry too freaky to face....

I wish I could turn back time...just to be in your arms again....I know I have lost the battle....I wanna give up.....run away again.....but guess I deserve to stay and face all consequenses.....

Its strange that you sometimes don't notice that what you already have with you is what you've been waiting for all your life.

My World Iz Beautiful With Him Living In me.....

I pity you.....sympathize you turning to horoscopes and astrology.....Look how strong I am in my lord......None can touch me..none can make me fall..none can hurt me...coz I am protected by his love, mercy and security. I shall not look to my Left nor the Right...coz I know that my answer lies only with him. I ask and he tells me.

Lust rules me no more.....My heart screams to take your face and taste your lips......but no....I struggle with my self....I say no to myself...I fall...I tumble...I stand up again...I go up to my heavenly father pleading and begging him to take away my feelings for you......My prayers seem unanswered....coz u r all thats' on my mind....u r all I can think of...It is so wrong....but it feels right......The feeling takes me high....I want you to light the fire in my soul....I know that you can make me fall..drag me to the depths of hell again...but it tempts me...I am dragged to u like a moth to the flames....my mid is tormented, tormented by what your soul contains...I go back to my master....I wish I can fall at his feet and beg him to deliver me from the great fall I foresee.....

The moment comes for me to choose....to fall or to rise and soar.....My father who I thot had turned a deaf ear...kept giving me all the strength I ever needed to run without looking back.....he picked me up when I tripped...I could run no more.....I fell flat on my face...bushes and brambles had torn my skin....I pleaded my master again to give me strength to pick my slef from off the ground.......No..he didn't give me the strength, but yes he did carry me all the way instead.....

His love is amazing, no I shall not falter him...the flesh of the world has absolutely no power over me....My saviour has broken all bonds....Thou shall mock me, laugh at me.....corner me for being true to my lord.....but that shall not bother me....for I who is in the lord is much much stronger that u who are in the world........I have tasted what is of the world....I have gambled with the bad, ugly & the evil of the world....I have had sweet pleasures...which brought no peace of mind what so ever.....I can only pity you.....Turn around...biliv in the truth I biliv in...I tell u no lie.....

There is no other god...and no other truth..just one living god who I biliv in....Do I provoke u? Please.. I intend not to..I just speak the truth.....I rebelled against him once...and now I can't stop rebelling for him....If he can love a wretch like me, he sure can love u more.....Let him gaurd your thoughts, words & deeds, let him hold u back from faltering....Just give him a chance to prove his love for you.

God Bless you !!!

No Relationship....No Commitment !!!

Why do ppl always interpret things wrong? No ties no commitment (clearly stating there is no relationship) is playing around.....but love is love...can't stop one from falling....

When the distance grows..and trust is a problem...its not worth hanging on...Let go when your heart tells you to stay coz its gonna bite you in the face n e way......Ppl change..and one can sense it...

They say...sumtimes luv just ain't enuf..and thats true....u can luv or desire sumthing so bad..that you loose sleep over it..and grow frail with bubbling and brewing desire.....but that ain't true luv.....

Want to substitute your free time....your lonliness with luv...That so fucking ain't true luv......wanna use luv for your convenience....that too ian't true love.......Wanna know what true luv is..."Eternity"....When one can see the future together....when one can see life instead of hanging on the edge....when one can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

True Love knocks on your door only once in a life time...true love which will remain unscratched for the resta your life....Hold on tight...don't let it get away...coz it raerely knocks on your door twice....Wanna play around with it... go ahead...thou shall be playing your self at the end.....

Luv can either give you the greatest joy you've ever had...or drag you six feet down.....Love with all your heart, soul and mind.....but jump out...run like wild....10000 miles...if the possibilities of you getting hurt are visible...don't turn around..just run :-(

Haven't had much sleep last night...Humidity is getting on every inch of me.....dozing off to the core now....ouch...at least another 5 more hours to go....i pity the feelow drivers on the road...im dead sure that this is gonna be the wonkiest day ever behind the wheel....ahhahaahahaha......

If I make no noice tomorrow...just check if i am still in one peice. !!!!

I did to him what he did to me :(

I never knew how much I hurt him..I didn't even know that I was doing anything wrong...but he was a Scorpio...loved so dearly...possessed so dearly..and wanted me all for himself...

I now realize that life with this kind is tough.....I hurt him so bad...still love him..and want him...but wouldn't want to even dream of hurting him again...it ain't him it is me.....

I wonder if any man deserves a bitch like me.....to love him dearly and to hate him bitterly.....