Glorious UAE

Geez, I miss blogging. Just managed to chill down and access the net, and yes, I am more than in one piece and kicking. I'm assigned to work away from the Dubai city, therefore life is so not on the fast lane, but BOY ! aren't I having a ball. I've been spending the past month in a star hotel (obviously paid for by the company) and finally am shifting to a room of my own next week. It is truely an adventure that is gonna change my life forever.

I finally found a super cool Evangalical Church today, and that made my entire day go brighter than it already was :)

So-Long, Until I get my own computer and blog in peace.

A Cure For The Crippling Disease - Loneliness !

(A post made on request, I hope It looks less gibberish to you than it really is :)

No Nooo, I ain’t feeling anything even close to loneliness. Right now, I’m too high on life to feel anything as boring as that. But, yes, I know what that feels like; it ain’t a nice feeling, not at all. It drives you to do crazy things and sometimes to tears. It is a powerful feeling which could bring out the best in you if you climb on top of it and holler at it to go your way, or you could let it overwhelm you and trod you all over, wrap you around it’s little finger and fling you over the edge.

It is us who make our emotions slaves or masters, just that we don’t realize that we are blessed with greater power than any of the emotions we feel. I honestly thought that us humans are made up of emotions (and emotions alone) and that the soul was a mixed pickle of all our emotions and characteristics wrapped up tight in a tasty jar. But a deeper understanding and a realization about the ability to stand above any emotion I feel (good or bad) has made me understand that one can actually exist without them (even though that would make one cold, rigid and uninteresting). So here we are back again at stirring up emotions and as for loneliness, we can jolly well eradicate it by letting another ‘feel-good’ emotion overpower it.

It’s crazy as to how much I hate everything that goes behind technology, but think that life is very similar to a coded HTML page. All functions that take place on the face of it depends on the formulas embedded at the back of it. A correctly coded page functions without hiccups. Even a beautifully designed page can be of disgrace if the coding is messed up.

A little heart to heart conversation with a handful of people is enough to make you realize that 99.9% of the people are geared up with loneliness and are actively looking for that special someone to put a smile on their face and take that sinking feeling away. Little do they know that they are making a terrible mistake and it surely ain’t surprising that these kind of relationships end on a disastrous note. They are not happy with casual friendships, even though they have more than a sufficient number of friends to commune with and lovely families to hold their back, they turn a blind eye to all of them and choose to feel miserable and lonely instead. Why? Because the present gear he/she is on, builds up a void, which can only be filled with the deep, intimate sensual kind of relationship he/she is yearning for. They do not take the time to get to know the potential-other and is all go for a fast paced Hollywood romance. From hello to a kiss, to caressing and straight towards heated up action. One may even have strong policies against this sort of procedure, but yet at that moment it seems beyond their control to do anything about the drive that leads them to act foolish and immature. It gets difficult to think about long-term consequences, coz the only priority that twirls in their mind is finding the present cure for the sting they feel. Little do they know that the void only gets bigger and deeper once the burning hot and happening romance comes to an end. The grand finale would be the individual falling in and out of relationships (I dare not say love), for all the wrong reasons, not even realizing that they are only trapped in a vicious cycle.

There is not much of a solution to offer a person feeling lonely and down in the dumps since they are not equipped to attentively listen, let alone absorb any other solution than a quick fix for the brokenness they feel. But if they are willing to listen and correct the gone wrong codes within them, it is definitely a possible task to feel fulfilled and complete by oneself.

A Simple and Practical Solution

Step 1
Expose yourself to light, open the windows of your home, draw back the blinds, let the sunshine pour down on you. Darkness and gloominess adds to any kind of misery. It’s almost a universal law that none can feel sad whilst staring at the sun.

Step 2
Redirect you energies towards something you are passionate about, but make sure it is PRODUCTIVE. Choose something, which is personal, can be done by your self and can be enjoyed. (Charity, gardening, writing, reading, trying a new sport, sewing, painting, designing, woodwork, pottery, cooking, higher education, working out etc…Pardon me for not including sex, booze, smoke, gaming and movie addiction, they don’t qualify).

It is helpful to choose a variety of them and include an activity, which drains the excess physical energy growing fat and slouchy between our veins.

(I have a notion that we humans are not created for the 21st century. Depression and loneliness were certainly scarce amongst the cave men, because their energies were directed towards physical exertions and didn’t have much time to feel sorry for themselves).

Step 3
Take this opportunity to get to know yourself, whilst you are trying your hands on new and forgotten activities. This would be an ideal time since you will be having less time to focus on your misery and might have a good chance at focusing on your assets and positive traits instead, in order to build up the fallen self esteem. Train yourself to enjoy the small blessings waiting to be noticed by you.

Step 4
By now, your sleepless nights would have come to a minimum, so do focus on a balanced life, which includes, sufficient nutrition, exercise and plenty sleep (don’t feel guilty to sleep, sleep is good, there really is no problem unless otherwise that’s all you do).

Step 5
Now that you are comfortable under your own skin, chill down and take the time to genuinely get to know the old friends you have been ignoring because of your misery as well as the new friends you make.

* Do not get in to unwanted intimate relationships until you have fully cleansed yourself and are strong enough to not fall back in to the lonely pits of gloominess.

Yearning for companionship is perfectly natural. We are beautifully created to have deep connections with the opposite sex (and the opposite sex alone).

--> And the Lord said “ It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs” - (Genesis 2 :18)

It was easier for the cavemen to build deeper relationships than the self-proclaimed fools of the 21st century coz their needs were basic and their functions were clearly understood by each individual. The men hunted and protected while the women gathered and nurtured. But we, who demand masculinity from a female and femininity from a male, need to be on steady grounds before we pursue searching for that PERFECT heart that beats parallel to ours.

How Confidential is Confidential?

One is bombarded with a gazillion ultra personal and highly confidential questions when obtaining bank a account, phone connection, insurance, lease etc., but what assurance do we have that all the information we provide are confidential as they say it is?

I had lost faith in the biggest GSM provider in Sri Lanka to keep my information confidential long ago. Some one who had my mobile number indirectly or directly had access to my full name, age, the company I worked for, address and my home phone number. This wasn’t the only instance, there was a twice, thrice and plenty more times, that I have given up keeping count of them.

The latest is to do with the biggest (me thinks) vehicle insurance provider. A bloke sees me a couple of times in a parking lot, he notes down my vehicle number, gives it off to the big shot uncle who happens to work in the above mentioned insurance company (obviously since most vehicles are insured with them, he decides to try his luck…hmmmphh) and tells him that it’s a long lost friend’s vehicle, and he needs the number to get in touch. The big shot uncle happily divulges the mobile number (which is a connection from the biggest GSM provider, which indirectly means that I have no assurance about the rest of my information being handed out on a platter to the goggle eyed boy). The boy calls, I play harsh, (he sure had me making sour faces at hello), and explains about how he got about obtaining my phone number, I am amused, very amused, almost hysterical, but at the same time very angry and jittery for the reason that I had plenty regards towards the insurance company involved.

What if the niece of the big shot was a gone wrong thug with a serious case of OCD? The ‘he wants it and he gets it type’, who’d go the distance and make plenty trouble to get what he wants. I could jolly well sue the insurance company, but it just ain’t of any use. I can only express my utter disgust at how well managed the so-called big shot companies are. This sort of action coming from the lower end of the company can be blamed upon the newcomers who have no idea (or rather are not bothered) bout the company / service ethics and policies, but this sort of action coming from the top management is absolutely shocking.

So much for confidentiality in Sri Lanka !

Samson and Delilah Along With Other Historical Couples

Samson and Delilah or should I be calling them “The Lust Machine” and “The Seductive Biatch”. One of the greatest lovers in the books of history? I think not ! I haven’t the slightest clue as to why they are even considered so.

Samson didn’t love Delilah like no other man has ever loved a woman. He was just enticed by her and was boastful, irresponsible and stupid. She wasn’t the first woman in his life either; she was just a woman he claims to have FALLEN IN LOVE with (along the way). A woman from the enemy troops the Philistines, possibly a vine woman, could have even been a harlot (who knows).

This wasn’t the first time Samson was driven by lust and acted irrationally, there is a similar instance where he is enticed by his first wife who too is a Philistine (but since it wasn’t a case between life and death, he probably brushed it off his memory) Silly Owl ! He burns the woman and the father raw just because she was married off to the best man since Samson abandoned her a few days after the wedding. How does he find this out, while making a visiting just in order to sleep with her. Such anger and destruction coming out of an undisciplined bunch of lustful emotions huh? That isn’t the end, his willy was so outa control that he ends up with a harlot from the city of Gaza just before his encounter with Delilah.

Please, how naïve and stupid can a man get? Doesn’t he ever learn from his past lessons? This guy amuses me to a greater extent than any other Biblical character has ever managed to. He merely takes the physical strength he is blessed with for granted, and decides that he can break all the rules he pleases and never be defeated. He appears to be a man who posses a immature brain, underdeveloped cluster of emotions which he has no control over and a puffed up ego to spice it up with. A mixed up, ruthless, scatterbrain who doesn’t seem to have got his priorities straight, tell him to save Israel from the Palatines, he goes chasing lasses to wine and dine with.

As for Romeo and Juliet - Yeah, sure it’s a moving love story, some versions actually make you cry, but yet, logically thinking, both of them were stupid. All they had to do was freaking run away. Added to their only misery, which was stupidness, they are been blessed with several encounters with an equally dense monk who marries them off, but does nothing else to make the relationship actually work (at least teach them the art of eloping). What was Shakespeare thinking?

Napoleon and Josephine – Why did she let him marry another if she loved him that much, and most of all why did he agree to? It is said that they couldn’t bear the separation. Oh boy, didn’t they know that they didn’t have to? Who said that true love was about sacrificing love for the sake of a crown. Plain materialism!

Robin Hood and Maid Marian – So close, but yet so far. Why couldn’t they be together? Her impatience or his coldness? Why didn’t she wait? If she knew for sure he would come for her, why did she have to make all our lives miserable and veil herself? Oh, and why did he run around doing errands that had nothing to do with either of them if he loved her so much?

Anthony and Cleopatra – Lets not even go there. They are even known as “history’s most extravagant and flamboyant lovers”. Critiques could go on about how the whole play (which actually elevated their place to where they are today) is about Shakespeare trying to make us understand about the true nature of love. Nonsense ! I see the Roman General and the Egyptian Queen as two ambitious and vicious dominators, who accidentally got infatuated on the way. More like addicted and bound by lust for each other and nothing more than that. They probably killed themselves in the end when Mark Antony was defeated, since they both knew they had no hope of life (with or without each other). Antony ends his life by falling on his sword and Cleopatra by letting a poisonous snake bite her (how ironic).

Lets hear what the Bible has to say about Love (any kind of love that is). But I believe that the purest form of love can only be found between a man and woman whose love has no boundaries, where they don’t hold anything from each other, their own flesh, let alone their souls. (Criticize me if you may, saying that the same bond is shared by a mother and a child, but I say no, they don’t).

“Love is very patient and kind,
Never jealous or envious,
Never boastful or proud,
Never haughty, selfish or rude.
Love does not demand it’s own way.
It is not irritable or touchy.
It does not hold grudges and will hardly ever notice when others do it wrong.
It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out.
If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost.
You will always believe in him,
Always expect the best of him (and)
Always stand your ground in defending him.” - (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)

I don’t consider any of the above couples to be great lovers. None of them could stand the test of time and if it doesn’t stand the test of time, then it wasn’t going to stand at all.

(Whilst verifying some facts from the father dearest, I happen to ask him why they did what they did, just so that I’d know how he thinks. Wasn’t I amused to hear what he said. “ Child, they were in love. Love is blind and makes people do the dumbest things possible”. I’ve my doubts if he’d tolerate me acting all dumb just because I’m in love and use the same words he spoke to evaluate my irrationality).

Note : Do check out my new poem at http://gobblezygookspoems.blogspot.com which is something relative to all the twaddle I’ve been ranting about.

Stirred Emotions / Bheegi Bheegi

It’s a modern Hindi track, done to a catchy dark, alternativish beat, but I still can’t make head or tail of who sings it. But the video and the track itself, stirs something deep inside. Something dark and painful, which cannot be described. It’s actually better than some of em done in the west. All respect to the musicians (who I am not familiar with). The chorus is as follows; I’d love for someone to tell me the meaning of it.

"Na jaane koi kaisi hai yeh zindagaani zindgaani
Hamari adhuri kahaani
Na jaane koi kaisi hai yeh zindagaani zindgaani
Hamari adhuri kahaani"

What I really wanted to get to was the stirring of emotions. Who decides what you want to feel and how you want to feel about a certain situation. You or God? Does believing in God guard you against depression, anger and all of the mucky feelings looked down upon by the society?

Heck No !!!

Veterans on the subject of enthusiasm and positive thinking keep talking about stirring up the spirit of enthusiasm from within ones self. I guess it’s the same with all other emotions such as anger, jealousy, resentment, annoyance etc.. I realized that what ever situation one is faced up with, initially comes in to direct contact with the emotion which is stirred up and is right at the top and ready to rule the head (which in turn rules the body).

Eg :

Situation - You were fuming over being put on hold on by a telephone operator whilst making an urgent, important call from your mobile phone, which has oh so expensive outgoing rates.

Stirred up Emotion – Anger / Frustration/ Tension

Next Situation – It’s the hanging out with the boyfriend/girlfriend day, but he/she calls to say that he/she is stuck at work and wouldn’t be able to make it (You’ve been planning to check out this new restaurant for days).

Reaction – You flare up, even though you don’t yell or exchange unpleasant words, out of you would come hostile words and blunt sentences (which, could be equally or even more hurtful).

Reason – Your ability to think rationally has been distorted; the unexpected situation comes and makes contact or rather collides with the emotion that was stirred up and floating at the top. In this case anger by itself is a negative emotion, which could do great mental as well as physical harm (most negative emotions do). The body rejects it and treats it as a foreign element, which explains the reason why the body, mind and soul aren’t in harmony when such dark emotions are felt.

I’m sure someone has already come up with this sorta explanation, just that it was never presented to me. A situation I went through a day back, made me figure out the above model, whilst pondering over why I reacted the way I did [and no…the above wasn’t the kind of situation I’m talking about (evil grin)]. Interesting how the human machine works huh?

I had plenty doubts while reading books by Norman Vincent Peale, coz it sounded more worldly than Biblical, drawing the strength we need to go on from Christ himself is an accepted practice / statement and no one can criticize it since it is written boldly in the Bible. But stirring up inner powers and emotions is something I have not come across in the Bible until yesterday (I honestly don’t know how I over saw it).

--> Stir into flame the strength and boldness that is in you…(2 Timothy 1 :6)

--> ...If you will stir up this inner power (2 Timothy 1 : 8)

Its clear to see that stirring up the emotion or choosing the gear we want to be on is entirely up to us, but hurtful words outspoken can never be rewound, so chose wise, and figure out the gear which works for you or rather helps you handle all situations calmly and rationally. This way you wouldn’t have to worry about remembering to switch between gears as and when the situation changes. Now that you’ve got your gear in place, stop fiddling with that age-old clutch and accelerate away. Happy riding !

Flower Children / Hippies

That’s what the world calls them, but all they wanted was, peace, love and freedom (yes it is true that the governments have snatched away most of the beauty the world and life has to offer, but I’m too lazy to figure out my own model of how the world is ever gonna survive without em so called governments).

Hippies (or the free spirits as I’d like to call them) have been accused of borrowing the (so-called) lifestyle they live, mode of expression and fashion from the Bohemians who just like the hippies

- Left their middle-class lives to live with others who shared the same beliefs
- Felt the need to rebel against authority
- Felt a certain lack of purpose in their lives
- Expressed their disapproval of authority by wearing distinct clothing

Just as Bohemians used art and writing, hippies used their distinct music to rebel against authority and define a whole generation; I guess most of em turned towards cultivation and self-sufficiency (which sure is a good thing).

Most who left for this kind of a lifestyle in the 1960s and the 70s were known to be college dropouts, people with mental problems, people with inherited and saved money, people who were educated, but lost, people who were trying to escape the war in Vietnam and people who didn’t fit in to any sort of accepted structure in the society.

The Neo-hippies or the so-called New Agers of the 21st century are people who (claim to) believe in the hippie philosophy (may be not entirely, coz they seem to be quite happily plugged in to all the luxury one could afford and enjoy the fast paced life, whilst taking into consideration only the rebelliousness and the fashion trends from the beautiful free culture).

I was always in awe about em ‘Flower Children’ and the 60s liberating culture. I still can’t seem to figure out the connection between the 'free culture' and free sex, drugs, booze, rock n’ roll, nudism, extreme-feminism etc. May be they were just sub-cultures and traits which eventually emerged from the main philosophy of free and simple existence (me presume).

Getting straight to the point, there’s plenty good, one can derive from this whole ‘Flower Children’/’Hippie’ saga. It ain’t about the fashion trends they followed, the music they listened to or the unethical activities they got involved in, but the motive of getting life to pivot around the two main virtues one will ever need, to carry on existing happily and contentedly, LOVE and PEACE (Love and Peace eventually makes way for freedom).

I may be wrong, but I believe it is this free culture that was spoken about in the ‘New Testament’. Em free sprits were looked down upon for rejecting the luxuries of life, but how can love and peace fully function, when, greed for luxury, discontentment and avarice exist.

Hope the world soon sees the beauty of wearing flowers in their hair than wearing weapons around their flesh.

Say Adios to ‘Hissbullah Gullah’

It’s past 2 a.m her heart is very scratched with teary eyes and a snot filled nose. No he ain’t a bad soul, in fact he is something very precious, but may be it wasn’t God’s will (or just wasn’t his will). May be she was wrong to open her heart, yeah…...so they say, “never give your heart to a stranger”. May be she’d never do so ever again.

At least she knows she is human after all to feel for real, with all honesty, wanting and needing and then feeling that hurt, those tears and the loss. It wasn’t infatuation, may be it’s easier to stick to infatuation, dreams and illusions, than make love to real life and watch your heart be set on fire.

Waiting

All I have been doing is waiting for the last one year. I waited six months to close the business, then another six months to shift to the new house, arrrgh….now it’s been three months since I received the appointment letter and the visa, but gotta wait another month till I leave. Is it just me or is this just the way things usually happen? It’s just hilarious, coz most of my friends who didn’t get to catch up with me seem to be overjoyed, my parents are already preparing the schedule for slave driving their lil piggy wiggy, take the dogs for vaccination, finish a few deals I started, more visiting to do, more driving to do…hmmm…my grams seem to be over the moon and so are the geckos and bugs that keep me company at night. All their prayers being answered while all I gotta do is count my wonky fingers and wait. Wait, wait and wait, wait for the night, wait for the sun, wait for calls, wait for short messages, wait for the perfect man, and now that I’ve found him, wait to catch up with him, wait to see where it all leads, waiting, waiting and yet more waiting. All this waiting is slowly driving me insane, robbing my peace and draining my smiles.

I am definitely not too pleased with the creator upstairs. He got me to pack up five months before shifting house, sure he had his reasons, but people around thought I was crazy. He got me to pack up my luggage and get ready a month back, this time(that’s two months in all), even though I know he has his reasons, people around me, including my parents think I’ve lost it. Today one of my friends dutifully gives a massive lecture as to why I should stop believing in God. Why oh why does the faith of this rebel be everybody’s scrutiny?

But, my situation is far better than a newly conceived woman who has to wait for nine whole month, a prisoner waiting for his life sentence to end or a cancer patient waiting to die. Therefore, what more could I possibly do, other than thank God for the huge doze of hope I’m blessed with and all the other blessings he has showered me with. It’s his business to still my heart while I wait, and not mine !

Note : The above was written by a long faced, scowling brat. She doesn’t like to have a long face, no she doesn’t ! If you wanna see a positive post, wait till her face takes a positive shape, which may be after she boxes her anger off. Any volunteers ?!?

My Handsome Sheik (“,)

My mind is in such an exuberant state that I can’t even decide whether I like toothpaste to taste like ice cream or ice ream to taste like “Signal Whitening” specifically.

I wake up and I’m high and am high till I hit the sack. I probably am high even in my sleep, coz the signs are there when I awake. I have no idea how it happened, but my heart is way deep down in the UAE though my feet are planted here. Completely smitten by a handsome sheik, ‘Hisbulla Gullah’. I knew my destiny was definitely not down here, but down in the UAE ?!? I’m amused ! A guy who cannot comprehend a ball of English, but Gibberish, boy am I in for quite an adventure or what? (“,)

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
(E.E. Cummings)

No, the above quote ain’t my ticket of excuse for madness, but words so true. More about my ‘Gullah’ in the future.

Note : No one said this post was cryptic [dirty smirk :]

He Has Never Let Me Down

Finally managed to make it to the Book Fair at BMICH on Friday. Wasn’t too impressed with the selection and the crowd was mind-boggling. Managed to get my hands on just two books from “Norman Vincent Peale” – “ Courage and Confidence” & “The Power of Positive Living”. He’s on of em authors one would never get fed up of. I was hoping I would be able to find the book of poetry by “Richard De Soysa”, but in vain. None of the local publishers seem to be having it. Please if anyone does have it, please don’t hesitate to contact me, I’d give anything to have that book or at least a photocopy.

On the spooky side, yesterday the car went absolutely dead for no apparent reason around Mount junction. The key just turned and twisted around the keyhole, but not a hum or even an attempt to start. So I stalled it right in the middle of the road, got mummy out of the car and jumped outa the car myself. Having had the experience of being in a flaming car, I so didn’t want to be there when the darn thing exploded. A fellow was I guess trying to pull a fast one by asking us whether we want the car made, and a cop was getting all concerned about the traffic which was building up. He suggested that I jump in the car and he helps me push it to a corner, and with shaky limbs, that’s exactly what I did, but low and behold, the minute I stepped in to the car all the lights started blinking without ever inserting the key to start. It could jolly well be an ultra spooky technical defect, but I’ve no doubt that it was God’s hand working to stall the car and delay us for a few minutes to save us from a catastrophe that would have happened if not.

God is Good……All the Time !

Are You Authentic?

There is nothing much to write,
Nothing much to say,
Just waiting for my ticket,
To fly me far away - (Gobblezygook)

Been dancing under a disco ball the past few weeks….unpredictable and diversified.

- Took my first ferry ride with the car on it (Smooth but freaky)
- Munkey in ICU with a case of overdosed pills (I don’t want to find out why)
- Been trying to write my very own hand book on “How to Live Life” (Incase God decides to keep me till I’m 80 freaking years or something)

Really…I think I was engrossed in John Powell’s – “ Why I Am Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?” all day every day the past four weeks. It’s a book every living breathing individual must read. I started taking down notes as usual before returning it to the library, but Geez, I sure should have taken a photocopy instead, coz it so happened that I ended up copying the entire book in point form. Not a word was wasted. Every word made sense. The book is a marvel !

A section of the book speaks about all the different games and roles we play/Ego defense mechanisms we use to keep us hidden behind a well-masked image we have built based on the preprogramming each individual has encountered, willingly or unwillingly, consciously or unconsciously.

A List of Ego Defense Mechanisms:

(1) Always Right
(2) All Heart
(3) The Body Beautiful
(4) The Braggart
(5) The Clown
(6) The Competitor
(7) The Conformist
(8) The Crank
(9) The Cynic
(10) Deluded By Grandeur
(11) The Dominator
(12) The Dreamer
(13) The Problem Drinker / The Dope Addict
(14) The Flirt
(15) Fragile, Handle with Care
(16) The Gossip
(17) The Hedonist
(18) Ill
(19) Inferior and Guilty
(20) Indecisive & Uncertain
(21) Inflammable, Handle with Caution
(22) The Intellect, The Alias, The Egghead
(23) The Loner
(24) The Martyr
(25) The Messiah
(26) The Mommy
(27) Pounce De Leon
(28) The Poor Mouth
(29) Peace At Any Price
(30) The Pouter
(31) Prejudice And Bigotry
(32) The Procrastinator
(33) Yours Resentfully
(34) The Sex Bomb & Predatory Male
(35) Suffering Is The Spice (Price) of Life
(36) The Strong, Silent Type Vs. Willing & Wordy
(37) The Worrier

Come to think of it, most of us actually adopt or switch from one game to another as and when we feel it’s necessary to hide our true selves, which lie deep within us.

The book got the better of me, that I actually went to have a chat with a counselor. I wanted to know who I really was. Strip me down of all the defense mechanisms I use and bring out the authentic real being struggling and screaming to get out. I paid her to listen to me, to argue and counter argue with me, to challenge me and interrogate me. My last session ends next week and I feel free of half the baggage I was carrying for donkey’s years. Counseling ain’t only for mentally deranged, I wish people realize that and try to get in touch with what they are fearfully hiding inside.

I also realized that I am still holding on to an image of someone who managed to fascinate me when I was a kid. All my life I’ve been trying to find him, trying to find someone that resembles him. I don’t know his real name, but the nickname (Me thinks), tall, dark, lanky and smiling eyes. I remember his eyes twinkle on an occasion I met him at a distant. The last I saw him was when I was about 16 years. All I knew about him was his physical appearance and a few people from his family tree, but I guess with time, I have successfully given him an image and a voice.

Crazy as it may sound that’s exactly what I have been doing. I guess I heard him on one of the crappy radio stations doing a crappy late morning show a few years back, but then he just disappeared from the face of earth without the slightest bang. I actually though I had managed to track him down the past week, but unfortunately I had been stalking the wrong guy (poor guy, I hope I didn’t freak him out). That said and done, I guess it is ona em unsolved lil mysteries I’d have to live with. It freaks me out to think how, now that I know I have been operating on a stupid image all my life. Would I be able to stop? Would I be able to embrace a new relationship with a brand new perspective? Who knows if Id choose to dwell on the childhood memory and live a disillusioned life than choosing to move on? Crazy as it is, I wish I find him before I leave the country in a few weeks, to drown my curiosity and to move on !

On an ending note…..Tell me…..Do you think you can tell me who you really are? Would it be a crime to find out how your brain ticks exactly? Why do you judge people who hide nothing, is it because you hide the same, but are more than ashamed to admit to them?

To Kill a Mockingbird

It’s been over six months since I purchased the book “To Kill a Mockingbird – by Harper Lee” but never got around to reading it. I postponed devouring it probably after hearing my Dad’s review on it, I remember him checking out the bunch of books I purchased along with this book and twist his face to such a shape and pester me about buying something written half a century ago. He said that I might not like it and that it’s slow and boring. He wasn’t wrong, It is slow, but definitely not boring or a drag.

Even though there ain’t no proper storyline, one is bound to get hooked on to it, like a kid to a lollipop, but what I don’t get is why the author considers it to be a love story (My Dumbness) !

The book did play tricks with my mind, BIG Time ! The book offered me something I yearned for all my life. To grow up, whilst remaining a child and to savour the world, whilst remaining well hidden.

I sometimes do wish I could go back seven years from now and do things differently. I really do want to go back into the cocoon I struggled and broke free from. I think I like it in there than out here.

Outside the rain is falling,
Hard enough to rip ones skin,
But I don’t have to go outside,
Coz I’m already ripped within.
(Gobblezygook)

It all became clear whilst watching my two new pups, Casper and Wendy. Daddy stalls them in a cardboard box, which is kept inside the house, until he cleans their cage every morning. Wendy’s hollering ceases once Casper too is placed in the box, but Casper on the other hand, howls, screams and shrieks in vain to get outa the box. He is even smart enough to make a few attempts to cling to the top of the box with his neck and haul him self up with his hind feet. That Dog is a marvel (“,). Little do they know that the box is good for them than the outside world.

I couldn’t help but connect the whole situation to the relationship I have with my creator. At times we struggle too much to get out of situations, not knowing that the next leap we take against nature is going to be a mere ‘from pan to the fire’ situation. Just as competition and betterment is good for one, I couldn’t help wondering just how much of it is good and when it starts to get sour.

A few situations of the past kept randomly flashing through my mind

(1) Fall of Enron
(2) Suicide of Elvis Priestly and Curt Cobain
(3) Fall of Kabool Lanka
(4) Messed up marriage of Princess Diana / Death
(5) And the many huge companies struggling to survive and keep up with competition / Lawsuits

[No body said being huge would save the fall. Looks like the higher you go, the greater the fall] !

Just as much as I love, adore and am willing to give my everything for the business, I couldn’t help questioning myself if I wanted to be struggling all my life. Just as much as I am attracted to competition, the drive, the force I realized that I’d love to live like I din need any dough for tomorrow. I guess that’s what I really had at the back of my mind when moving to the jungle. I sure think God didn’t intend for us to keep competing all our lives. Doesn’t make much sense in that, but the problem remains in breaking away from the system, without tampering with the natural flow of life.

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
(Bother - Stone Sour)

Isn’t this what every one on their journey of adolescence feels? There’s something wrong somewhere. Wreck the System !

A Coward....She Is !

[“The best thing between us is that we don’t meet, no talk, no sharing, but I am in Love. Sometimes I feel if this is yet another partial thing”

“I am happy that I promised you something * years back, which is my love to you, and kept it unbroken until this moment even after going through all *****. Just one advice, if you love somebody just go ahead with it, everything else comes after that. Just face it! You need more courage to do that!”]

I know that this doesn’t sound Shakespearian, but it sure managed to shake my world a lil more than Shakespeare has ever managed to.

Long Gone

He calls and mumbles something about me having called him, but the truth is I never. Em memories remain memories and nothing beyond it. He mumbles something about leaving the station and leaving the country for good. It doesn’t affect me anymore and I hardly listen to him. Knowing his inside, his voice annoys me, it really does, and the sweet ring I thought it had has disappeared. The truth is that I don’t care anymore (even though I wish I did). A disease cannot inflict one too many times, now can it, it’s only a matter of time before he/she gets immune to it. I harbour no hatred, but I leave no room for plagues to grab my tail let alone walk past it.

The Blessing

It’s been three months since we shifted to the jungles and I still haven’t settled in a regular church. I was just loaded with numerous choices, which weren’t satisfying. Choosing a church to belong should be done as cautiously as getting married (“,). There are bound to be terrible issues if the spirit of the church doesn’t cross paths by any means. They must agree on their belifs and interpretations to a level the worshiper is comfortable and at home at the place of worship.

Woke up late and missed my first choice for a place of worship. Then called Chris to find out if I could tag along to her place of worship, but unfortunately (or fortunately) she had decided to make it to the early morning service instead. I was determining to make it to church by hook or by crook, coz I was pretty low without em spiritual food and yearned for some of it. I wanted to hear loud and clear that God loved me. It may sound funny (it does to me) that I have to go looking for people to reassure about God’s love for me, when we claim him to be creator of the universe, but it is comforting to know that great Kings like “Sir-David-I-Killed-Goliath” had there moments when they felt distant from God and sure felt equally traumatized. The beauty of the psalms is how the great king amidst all his moaning and groaning always comes around and glorifies God’s name for saving him from the muck he has got himself in to.

The course “Genesis” made me realize that even the greatest characters were muckups, even though God chose to use them mightily. Something “Ivor Poobalan” said got deeply rooted in my mind. He pointed out how Jacob wrestled with God until he was blessed. I think he half jokingly mentioned about how we too must not let go of God just like the grabber Jacob. The story of Jacob is hilarious, when you really look closely at it. The guy seems to be portrayed as a born grabber. He was pining for this certain blessing, which was to be passed on by his father, that he goes to the extent of deceiving his father (and thereby his brother) in order to get it.

Getting back to yesterday, I got dressed and decided to go to the next available church at Colpetty (Hmmm…35Km drive) never expecting anything else than a good message to keep me pumped up for the next week. Pumped up I am ! I felt like Jacob, I really did. I have been crying out for a blessing, a special blessing from God all this while, and this feeling of having that moment come closer than ever before swept over me. The gentleman (I’d like to keep him anonymous for while) who was conducting the service was someone God has blessed abundantly in the same area. He had been lifted to greater heights in a miraculous way. Yesterday was my day of wrestling with God, I wanted to run and hide from the crowd and have a real verbal battle, but I sat there like a plum lil pudding and kept observing this special man of God.

I’m sure I looked weird, but I couldn’t help it, coz there was a raving conflict going on inside me. I remember finally speaking up to God, saying; “God, in front of me stands a man you have blessed and lifted up, I want the same blessing and I ain’t gonna leave until you bless me”. I don’t really go up to the front to get prayed for, coz I believe that God is my very own father and I don’t need a middle man to pray for me or do any muck like that, but at that moment, a still small voice gently spoke to me, urging me to make it to the front. I decided not to tell the guy why I was at the front, coz I knew God would speak to him the same, if God accepted my desire and was ready to really bless me.

All I did was go up to him and say “You know what I am here for?” and he aid yes and laid an anointing on me. He used the word ‘anointing’, which was like a confirmation that God has heard my cries and decided to let me have the same blessing. I had never been ‘filled with the holy spirit’ without shrieks and cries, but yesterday was different. I felt very radiant and filled with something joyful. I couldn’t help grinning even as I slowly steadily collapsed. I felt glorious, or even more, a feeling that no words can explain. I wonder if the gentleman who blessed me knew that he did to me, what Isaac finally did to Jacob, pass on “THE” blessing. May be someday I’d ask him.

He asked me if I was going to a church anywhere, and when I said yes, he casually said that I should come here instead. Wohoooo…so I finally belong to a church I really really like and are in par with my belief system. Liberal and right (in my eyes). What more could I ask for?

Thinking Towards Marriage / Committed Quoting

I’ve been meaning to post a few tips / structure about what a couple should be concerned about before evening “Thinking Towards Marriage”. All honour goes to ‘Rev. Ted Rubesh’ for putting together the following structure (and distributing it among the class). I’m painstakingly typing it out hoping and wishing that it would be useful to at least some of the readers in some tiny way. I believe following this structure would lessen plenty heartaches, divorces and all of em unwanted problems faced by couples in (committed) relationships. Some of em questions would definitely help the ones who are trapped in a vicious make up-break up cycle to stop for a moment and ask them what they really want from the going nowhere relationships as well as from themselves.

(A) Knowing Yourself - (Your Personal Past)

(1) Family Background

a) What was / is your relationship with your mother / father?
b) Will your parents find it difficult to “let go” of you? In what ways?
c) In what ways will you find it difficult to “leave” home and parent?
d) What aspects of your parental home life were positive for you and what were negative? (their communication with each other; their love life etc..)
e) How might these factors shape your marriage for better or worse? What might you be able to do to lessen the negative aspects?
f) What is your family’s attitude towards your partner now, and how does this affect you?

(2) Relationships

a) Other than your partner, do you have close friends, or find it easy to make friends?
b) Have you had painful experiences of being let down by those you loved and trusted? If so, how do they affect your present relationship?
c) How have you handled relationships that have been difficult or disappointing?
d) Were you ever sexually abused as a child, or have you ever engaged in physical intimacy in a past relationship? If so, does you fiancée know/do you plan to share this information? (When?)How might this history affect you relationship together in the future?
e) Do you ever struggle with “same-sex” attraction? If so, will you or have you shared this with you fiancée? How might this struggle impact your future marriage? Have you sought counsel?

(3) Abilities / Achievement / Ambitions

a) What are your feelings about your level of achievement or non-achievement?
b) Are you creative / practical / intellectual / an organizer?
c) Do you have any major ambitions in life? How might marriage affect them?
d) How important is financial security to you?

(4) Spare Time Interests

a) How do you relax? Hobbies?
b) Are you a “people person” or do you prefer seclusion (or the company of a computer or TV?)

(5) Spiritual Growth

a) How have you grown (or shrunk) spiritually this last year?
b) How would you describe you spiritual pilgrimage so far?
c) How would you describe you present relationship to the Lord?
d) In what ways would you want to change?

(6) Physical and Mental Health

a) Have you had any serious physical pr psychological illnesses or treatment? How have these affected you as a person?
b) How do you respond to stress?
c) How would you describe your temperament? (Note : While Tim LaHaye’s “temperament model”…choleric / phlegmatic / sanguine / melancholy…does not cover all the bases, it’s not a bad place to start trying to evaluate your personality type. C. his book ‘Spirit Controlled Temperament’.)
d) What do you consider as your strong points? Weak points?

(B) Knowing Each Other - (Your Present Relationship)

1) Why do I want to get married? (I’m in love stupid !!!; social acceptance or pressure; desire

for relationship; sexual fulfillment; desire to start a family etc.)

2) Where does the Lordship of Christ fit in to our relationship? Do we share similar attitudes to commitment to Christ? Service for Him? Christ-like standards? The conviction that marriage is for life? The need for the Lord’s grace continually, helping us to achieve oneness in Christ Jesus?Do we find it easy to pray / worship together?

3) What attracts me to my partner? What do I value in him/her? Am I physically attracted? Do I have a sense of respect for his/her character? Is he/she the sort of person I would like to be the parent of my children? Can I compare him/ her favourably with others – (with my father /mother / friends)? Do I feel proud to be associated with him / her?

4) What needs of mine am I expecting for him / her to meet at present? (a clue might be “When I am disappointed or hurt in our relationship?”)

5) What are the areas in which we complement one another? Are our personalities compatible in daily living? Temperamental differences and needs? Tastes / standards / interests?

6) Do we keep each other informed about our schedules and whereabouts?

7) What are two of the happiest or most precious memories about our relationship thus far?

8) In what ways do we express our love for each other? (or do you find this difficult?) Is my partner able to “decode” the way I express my affection? (Note : a very helpful book on the subject is The Five Love Languages)

9) Are there boundaries on the level of our physical involvement with each other until marriage?Are we sticking to them? Are these parameters that we both feel are important?

10) What disturbs or irritates me about him/her? Which are areas of potential conflict? (finance. in-laws, communication, sex, children…) What makes us argue? If we don’t argue…why don’t we? How do we resolve disagreements? Who gives way? Why? How does “forgiveness” operate in our relationship?

11) Are we being realistic about our suitability for one another? Are there areas we/I need to talk over with someone else?

(c) Expectations - (Looking at the Future)

What do I expect from marriage / and what do I think you expect of me from marriage?

(1) Level of relationship after marriage:

a) What level of “overlap of lives” does each of us expect our marriage to produce? (maximum overlap / minimum overlap)
b) In what ways will we give our relationship “room to breathe”?
c) How will we “service” our relationship after marriage?

(2) Roles and Responsibilities

a) What are our concepts of Biblical leadership and submission?
b) How do we see the delegation of responsibility and the process of decision-making taking shape in our marriage?
c) What are your thoughts on “working woman” vs. “house wife”?

(3) Home

a) What do each of us expect with regard to “housing” and “standard of living”? How does each of us define “neatness” and “cleanliness”?
b) What is your thinking regarding the issue of emigration?
c) How important is “hospitality” and an “open home” to each of us?
d) How important are celebrations such as Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries etc. to each of us?
e) Who is going to cook, clean, fix the leaky pipes, take out the garbage, make the beds, pay the bills, buy the groceries, feed the dog….?
f) What’s my favourite TV programme? Hat’s my spouse’s? What happens if they are both on at the same time?

(4) Sexuality

a) What are my present feelings about my future sexual relationship with my spouse? (disturbed / fearful / anxious / neutral / expectant / excited / intrigued)
b) What do I feel is God’s perspective on our married love life?
c) How will the dynamics of sexual stimulation, response and climax differ between my spouse and me?
d) How will I deal with potential sexual problems? (pre-mature ejaculation; inability to maintain erection; inability to come to achieve orgasm, frigidity etc.)
e) Will I be able to refuse sexual requests from my spouse without offending him / her? (What will I say?) And how will I handle a “turn down”
f) How do I define “fidelity” and “faithfulness” in marriage? How would I deal with any infidelity and unfaithfulness that I might discover on my spouse’s part? How will I deal with it when I find it infiltrating my own life?
g) Who is responsible for birth control? I f we are planning to postpone having children, what form of birth control do we plan on using?

(5) Children

a) Do we actually want children? (when screaming and sticky) How many?
b) Who will be responsible for bringing the kids up? (changing the nappies, helping with homework, disciplining, etc..) What are our expectations for their education?
c) Who will take on the responsibility of spiritual discipleship of the children?

(6) In –Laws & Parents

a) What are my expectations of my in-laws? What are their expectations of me?
b) What are our thoughts on living with in-laws? What does “leaving” mean to us in practical terms? What does “honouring your father and mother” mean to us in practical terms?

(7) Finance

a) What are our respective ideas on such things as joint accounts / salaries / personal allowance / budgeting etc.?
b) Do my partner or I have strong feelings. Traditions or convictions in any of the following areas : family gifts / financial goals / insurance / savings / getting into debt (e.g. mortgage) / credit cards / tithing and giving etc..
c) What are our expectations about spending money on holidays / hobbies etc.?

(8) Christian Commitment

a) What expectations do each of us bring with regard to frequency of church attendance? Where will we worship together? What level of commitment to church life will we pursue?
b) What place will prayer and time in God’s Word together have in our relationship
c) How will I balance the obligations of ministry, marriage and family? Which will receive priority?

Who’s Life am I In ?!?

Disappeared from the face of the earth? Nooooo…I’m still here. Getting rid of me ain’t that easy! Everybody is struggling to survive, to make it to the top and I am still caught up in the rat race, struggling to get away from it, but it seems a lil difficult, but not impossible. I want to blame the government for making work, business and money making this overwhelming. I don’t get what they are doing; neither do I want to figure anything out. I’m trying to ignore every act of the government and imagine that they simply don’t exist by focusing on the God I believe in, who is mightier than anyone on a worldly throne, and it seems to be working coz at least I am blessed with the strength and hope to move on, which the government keeps robbing from me.

Life is truly a battle and I am just feeling it, there is one goal after another. I wish I could hide my self, so that no sunlight wake me up every morning, coz I need some rest, rest without anyone or anything hassling me. I want to wake up and not battle life for one day, not think about pending work, not think about bills to pay and not think about 10 years from now. I envy em people who run around without a goal or passion, who live for the moment and die laughing. I wish I could have what they have, Irresponsibility!, Even though I know it ain’t the best for me. I want to not care and not have guilt prick me in the ass. Arrrgh………

You wish there was someone sharing your bed at night and putting you to sleep, coz your hands and legs are numb, very numb from all the driving and frustration of the day. Someone like a masseur would be nice (what were you thinking?) (“,). It’ 6 o’clock and all you want to do is sink deeper and deeper under the ruffled, warm sheets and hope 6 o’clock would only come in a couple of gazillion hours, coz amidst all the hope and strength, you still need to push em weak legs to run faster and faster as the day proceeds.

You use everything you can get your hands on just to keep you awake. Self help books, ice-cream and anything that tastes and smells like eucalyptus. Is this called depression?!?, No, this is called life. This is what it is like trying to fit in a month in to a mere 24 hours. You go on and on and on wanting to stop and just drop dead, but once you are shot down, you pine and whine till you are back on your lame two feet again battling life full throttle. This ain’t the life I ordered, who’s life am I in?

I suddenly see life as a dart board, whishing I was that arrow landing on it’s bulls eye, but the truth is that this arrow must taste the rest of the dartboard before conquering the perfect space in the perfect centre. Lets see where this arrow lands next !

I Deserve to Live ! (to Live in Peace that is)....

My darling cousin who is with me at Bible College finally got married yesterday. It was a simple and lovely wedding and she looked simple, natural and pretty herself. Amidst plenty of “you are nexts” and “ a lot more annoying comments, I survived, since I’ve learned the art of evading the ever so unwanted question most professionally and politely. I was pretty thrilled about the whole occasion and was thrilled about the whole idea of being clad in a Sari for the second time (the first Sari was worn three years back…ouch…wasn’t that a disaster to remember). It was draped ok by Mummy dearest, after much screams and curses and twisting and turning my limbs around until she her self was dog-tired. Arrrgh……but the problem arose when I tried walking with it, I couldn’t walk two steps without slightly raising the Sari in a manner someone would tug on to it before they faced a flood. After all that torture, I’m planning to get mummified again in a sari this Monday. Wohooo for the piece of shimmery silk !

Some ding-dong bell who couldn’t mind his own business had petitioned to the 119 (cops) that a family from the minority is supposedly residing in the once most important house in the area. The cops turned up for a friendly chat last week, since they had come before (the previous arrival could have been a result of a petition as well….who knows?). It was the first time I felt victimized and unloved by my own country fellowmen. I suddenly felt like an outcast, who was expected by society to live in fear. I can’t really explain the exact emotion I felt…..but I cried…that’s all I could do.

The cops asked us to stick to being who we are and not to hold it against anyone, and was very nice to us by giving us their personal numbers in case of emergency. I on the other hand don’t want to suspect any of the (so-called) neighbours, but I can’t help looking at a few of them with a squint eye. I am a living breathing person who deserves to live, breath and enjoy every privilege the majority of this country enjoys.

Born and bread in ‘Horana’ my Dad had learnt Singhalese and Buddhism all his life though his Dad was from an Aristocratic family in Jaffna. According to what I’ve heard (never had the opportunity of seeing the lovely old dude) my happy-go-lucky Grandpa was a man who was loved by all in the village of Horana (a lil away from Panadura). My mum on the other hand even though she completed her education in Tamil, joined the government sector as her first job (where she met my Daddikins of course) and was living amongst the majority in peace and harmony. I on the other hand carried out half my education in Singhalese [since there was no one at home who was good with the mother tongue to assist me (which is quite shameful, of course)]. We had no problem with the majority, we love them, since most of our friends, relatives and colleagues are from the majority.

Though professing Christians, we don’t let interesting session of Buddhist preaching pass us by. It is a brilliant way of life, even though I don’t agree with the beginning and the end of it and there are plenty Buddhist monks who are just fantabulous. My dad still tries to twist the Buddhist way of live in to every argument we have, which complicates the situation and finally drives me to the point of giving up.

Why I mentioned all the above is just to say, that we’ve been breathing the same air the so-called majority has been inhaling all these years. We lived in harmony. They love the iddly, thosai, sambar as well as the lasagna and the soups my Mum makes, while she pines for the aluwa and the kawum yummily prepared by her friends belonging to the majority.

NOT all Tamils are terrorists, even though it had so happened that all Terrorists are Tamils. But that doesn’t create an excuse for anyone in this country to penalize the so-called Tamils. Just as I am proud to be a Tamil, I am damn proud to be able to speak my Singhalese without an accent, unlike many who profess to be Singhalese (I guess it’s time I took some time off to learn my mother tongue as well even though it seems complicated). I am as patriotic about my country as anyone (at least I ain’t one of em who throw garbage on the streets). All of em who drive wonky on the road and cause accidents aren’t Tamils (I have never knocked anyone). All of em who scheme and kill each other aren’t Tamils (Me or my family has never taken a life of another so far).

Tamils and Singhalese as well as the rest of the community in Sri Lanka are bound to make mistakes, coz we are mere human after all. This ain’t my war, and neither do I want to contribute, speak about it or be a victim of it. I downright detest it and pray that the Government, by hook or by crook eradicate all the so-called terrorists who have only made living in Sri Lanka harder for the people born with a Tamil background (My Nationality is Sri Lankan and not Tamil…Get that ?!? ).

I have not run away from the country or thrown stones at the Government. My parents aren’t politicians but hard working individuals who have supported the Government by means of taxes. We put up with them and all their nonsense since we want our lil Paradise back just the way we had it 50 years back. It could be Mahinda, Ranil or any other Man, as long as he can do justice to the country. Living is difficult, business is discouraging, but yet we struggle and survive. Friends, family, pol sambol, wood apple, mangoes and rambutang, which other country can offer me that ?!?

This is My country and I deserve to Live here, don’t dare take away em rights from me !

--> We are no longer Greeks or Jews or Slaves or Free men or even merely men or women, but we are all the same, we are Christians; we are one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3 : 28)

God Doesn’t Need My Help !

Arrrgh !!! I just can’t keep up with life anymore! Too many assignments, too many weddings and too many things to grasp. Life is subtly happening, but I’m just too tired to participate in all of em events [as oppose to a few weeks back, where life was more than dead and buried] !

Just coming out of a horrifyingly confusing phase regarding leavening everything and settling down in UK or settling down in here. Whatever I did, I had to make my decisions fast, since the new admission/semester begins in September. Was spot on about going till last Sunday, with sponsor letters, hunting for colleges, begging em registrars for a speedy response, documents, sign ups, recommendations [Yuck] ! I felt certain I had to leave, Even though I kept committing the whole situation to the Lord on a daily basis whilst seeking His direction, since something about me leaving didn’t feel right. It was confirmed through God last Sunday at the “Four Square Church” – Nugegoda, when someone prophesied about a promise God makes to revive a business belonging to a businesswoman.

My body was soaked with perspiration and everything was at wits end. My drive to church could have jolly well ended in a nasty crash coz I kept stepping on the accelerator a lil too much than I ought to a lil too often [anything more than 80 on a crappy car like Maruti is far beyond dangerous], but the prophesy brought about a sense of peace & fulfillment. It wasn’t the same insanely confused girl who was driving back home. I should have trusted God a lil bit more than trying to help him sort my issues. When he promises to restore something he does it in his own time, which is the best time.

However wonky these situations are gonna make me feel, I’m beginning to like em since it is the only way God is gonna get me to grasp lil secrets of his Kingdom. When I was reflecting on the situation that had just passed me by I came across a story from the past where “Sir-Father-of-All-Nations” too went through a similar ‘battle-of-the-paths’ phase.

God promised Abraham a son of his own, but it was a lil difficult for both him and his wife Sarah to believe this miracle which was supposed to take place since he was nearly 100 and she 90. Sarah, in order to help the Lord fulfill his task, offered her maid Hagar for Abraham to slumber with. [What a disaster it caused, a disaster which carries it’s traits even into modern times]. But, clearly, that was not what God intended for Abraham, God promised a son for Sarah [a legitimate son, born within wedlock] who would covenant with God.

Crazy as it may sound, all the jumping around and getting dizzy I did was an utter waste. I should have waited till the mighty hands did the job instead of getting depressed and confused. I should have remembered God’s promise about the business. [Silly Me] !

So here I am calm and cool again, in absolute peace with myself, with the supposed patriotic feeling painted right across my heart[not forgetting my face]. This is His situation, not mine, even though it logically is folly to silently wait upon God, that’s all I am gonna do, coz I know that the next move I make without his consent is gonna Holler back DISASTER !

Following God’s word is like playing a game of checkers. It’s the right move or the wrong. One can make the right move according to God’s will and prosper (within his will) or make the wrong move and go around in circles or be wiped out by the enemy.

Adieu to His-Supposed-Supremeness. My Loss ! (Who Knows) ?!?

I am yet pretty much a Con Artist for my own Good. A con artist who deceives others NOT, but her own poor self.

Rebellious by Nature

It feels like I’ve been spending too much time trying to hide and trying to operate undercover, that the very thought of taking any sort of lead in public freaks me out. The slightest bit of attention thrown my way, cripples me, paralyses me and eventually kills me…….heheheheh

[I’m just messing] !

Confession – I’m missing Colombo as well as the fast paced life a lil too much that it’s beginning to mess a tad lil bit with my mental well being.

Disappointment – The movie “The Da Vinci Code” was a bore. If I hadn’t read the book, It would have been quite a mess to watch. A all time failure !

Lil Mercies – This lil town needs me (or so I’d like to think)…yeah…they need me and most of all they need God !

A Dash of Happiness - I gave a lift to a stranger for the first time yesterday to a mum and her two lil kids (me think they live way down my lane). I could have stored the car and done a lil hula dance after dropping them, but I pumped up the volume of the car stereo and got the glasses shattering with my croaks instead.

Enlightenment – Finished the course “Introducing Isaiah” with Pastor Mike Reith yesterday. It was an open Bible exam, but I think I conked it up big time, but while flipping through the book of Isaiah for answers, a lil passage spoke to me, and spoke to me Good.

--> If you keep the Sabbath’s holy, not having you own fun and business on that day, but enjoying the Sabbath and speaking of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day, and honouring the Lord in what you do, not following your own desires and pleasures, nor talking idly – then the Lord will be your delight, and I will see to it that you ride high, and get your full share of blessings I promised to Jacob, you father. The Lord has spoken ! (Isaiah 58 : 13 – 14)

Of course I knew this passage, but because of the resentment I had towards the Church loaded with man made rituals and rules, I guess I was happier going against the tide and taking the commandment lightly substituting it with a verse from the New Testament. Rebelliously clutching on to this verse from the New Testament I chose to go dancing on Sunday instead, just to prove a point to em holier than thou so-called Christians who keep only their Sabbath days holy.

--> So don’t let anyone criticize you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating Jewish holidays and feast or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these were only temporary rules that ended when Christ came. They were only Shadows of the real thing – of Christ himself. (Colossians 2 : 16-17)

The problem here wasn’t the fact that I was evading the Sabbaths (rightfully, Sabbath is the 7th day of the week, whish is Saturday of course), but the reason I was doing so. The real problem was my rebellious heart, my “no one rules me” attitude. It also made me realize the resentment I had towards the Church and that it was time to let go of all of it. It was time I stopped running away from Christian fellowship, it was time I stopped judging them by what they say and do (as oppose to what they believe) and realize “To Err is Human”.

The Perfect Him

It’s 5 a.m Sunday Morning and I haven’t had proper sleep for the past two weeks. Of course this is God’s humble way of telling me “Judy Poody, you got a lil issue I need you to fix”. And here I am wide-awake and trying to figure out the best possible way to mend the bend.

With me are yet another few books that are life altering.

-> PsychoBabble – By Richard Ganz
-> The Lies We Believe – By Dr. Chris Thurman

The latter is a perfect book for perfectionists and people with serious flaws like myself (“,)

It all boiled down to this :-

It all felt like a fairy tale until now, when something had to be done. I can’t hide away from my wayward feelings and neither can I run away from the prevailing situation. He’s known me for a good four years and has claimed to have set his eyes on me ever since. (Hmmm…..I’ve heard that before, but fortunately or unfortunately his statement is quite genuine). I remember him first walking in to my previous place of employment, and yes, he looked the type of guy I’d fancy, but no way would I even dare look his way. He sounded perfect in all his ways, and I vaguely remember the whole office speaking of him. He was soon forgotten when I walked out of my place of employment looking for greater challenges.

It all started when I met him again after a couple of months at a function I attended back at my previous office, when his feelings were revived and numbers were exchanged through third parties and the usual bla bla…….. I guess I couldn’t care less back then coz I was just out of my very first & horrible relationship and to get away from all the attention I was getting from him I did something mean and stupid, by inviting him to a church get together and ignoring him. I guess it annoyed me to figure out that it wasn’t going to be a “One Man” situation anymore, Mr. Spikes had broken the so-called policy I cherished for 18 years (which was part my fault), and here I was considering this unknown stranger I vaguely admired. After much explanation and apologies, we remained friends. I don’t think he knows what really hit him back then even as at today.

[A piece of advice – Women at 18 are volatile, so are men. Never let relationships get you when this young. The world is moving faster and everything happens premature and instant and we all make the mistake of going with the flow and getting trapped in painful situations that could have been avoided otherwise.]

Two years went by and I transformed from a rebel to a somewhat civilized, reformed individual, who actually looked at life with binoculars extending across a span of a couple of years as oppose to when I was living on the edge and grasping each moment as it passed me by. I remember him walking in to my office one evening and we spoke about life and how he was hurting over a broken relationship. Slowly but steady it evolved in to a so-called relationship, where the parents knew and all that jazz, which lasted a mere two weeks ( a part my fault or may be even entirely).

He is one of those guys every woman yearns their man to be. He’d be your best friend, guru and everything you want him to be. He was more like the guy who wants to grow with you, know you inside out, figure out how ugly you are inside and yet choose to be there for you. It was amazing to watch him pursue his career, pursue his education whilst humbly accepting his failures in the past. Guys like em rarely come by. So what went wrong you may ask?

I freaked out ! I couldn’t handle PERFECTIONISM ! It all seemed too good to be true ! He, in my eyes was too neat, too organized, too rigid, too orderly, too demanding and just TOO PERFECT ! So much for harping about waiting for that perfect man huh?

After almost a year of silence, we are back in talking terms and trying to reconcile, but the fear hasn’t left me yet. And the good amount of reading on gaining insights about yourself as well as the others is just not letting me escape the past and the fact that I better face my fears now than never.

It’s funny how our brain works…really. I remember unconsciously mentioning how I always wear an image of a chaotically messed up individual on the outside, while really being calm and in control on the inside. That itself is an unconscious behaviour which I haven’t figured out reasons for doing so and here is a guy who is striving to be a perfectionist just like me and is brave enough not to camouflage it with make believe images and I’m freaking out at the very thought of it. [Sigh]

All I can do right now is to wait upon the Lord for direction since Mr. Perfect is a non-believer and I am still clearly in a freaked out state of mind and am by no means in a hurry. It could jolly well take, days, weeks, months or even years. I remember grappling with this issue of mixed marriages since I was a brat. How come we Christians claim to love & treat everyone equally when we outcast the non-believers when it comes to intimate relationships and marriage. After all Christians too are prone to temptation, sin and faltering just like the rest of them. I’ve finally come to terms with [2 Corinthians 6:14-18] . In reality (in terms of the modern world), it surely means more than merely uniting with another Christian, it involves goals, ambitions, work ethics, lifestyles etc.

--> It is more logical for man and woman in a marriage union to be accountable to one master who is God himself, but in the case of a mixed-marriage union both will not have God as their focus, where one will think from a Christian point of view, whilst the other from a mere world view. The different opinions in most cases eventually clash at some point.

--> Sharing a mere five or ten year goal ain’t enough, but a goal towards eternity [1 Corinthians 9 : 24 – 27] .

Of Evolution, Creation & Plain Dippy Me !

With all hopes of watching the Da Vinci Code flushed down the toilet, I’m wearing an ugly scowl on my face for a reason I simply cannot fathom. I read a Christian site harping about why one shouldn’t go watch the movie with motives of enjoying it. Huh ? So….that makes me less holier than thou, is it ?!? A traitor ?!? Who am I to defend God, the creator of all mankind? It’s a different story for Christian Apologetics to publish books, articles or use whatever mode to help the readers of the book and the viewers of the movie to figure out what is truth and what is fiction, but another to force them how to feel about the entire story.

I hate doing my accounts just as much as I hate my greens (even more so may be…hmmm). Even though her lazy ass has been procrastinating doing the final accounts for quite some time, now the time has come for it to be done with (to avoid unwanted trouble). And Halleluiah ! I’m almost coming to the end of it and would finally be able to enjoy a good night’s sleep..

[Why Me Lord] ?!?

Things are finally settling in and taking a slow pace, a slower pace than I’d actually like it to be. (Typical Human !! When its sunny they yearn for rain and vice versa). The fewer posts is not due to a all day-everyday-ultra-hectic schedule, but simply coz it’s a slow and painful process to post with a dialup connection. I don’t even check my mail on outlook now, keeping it all web based seems quicker and easier (but then again, that too seem to take a gazillion years).

There are more things robbing my sleep at night than just plain insomnia, a person I owe an explanation to, the schizophrenic lil girl who has gotten worse. I should have paid more attention, I should have kept at it, but I gave up too easily. My ignorance and unwillingness to get my hands dirty has turned around and stabbed me guilty! I’m back on my mission and this time without looking back.

As usual got in to several arguments about creation (which fortunately didn’t turn bitter) with Daddy and a dear Uncle who is a family friend.

Evolution?!? Nonsense !!!

My partially skeptic father was trying to blend in evolution and creation. According to him, God created man through ‘evolution’ (what on earth has so called evolution got to do with creation? There ain’t no beginning, and there ain’t no end).

As for the Uncle, his biggest issue was scientists finding fossils of living beings which are millions of years old and according to his learned self, the world is way older than it was supposed to be created by God. Oh ! Did I forget to mention that he himself is a Scientist ! Them and their gone wrong measurement sticks. They have no proof that the ice age existed before creation. There is a huge possibility (a definite possibility) for the ice age to have started after the ‘Great Flood’. I’m yet to explain this to him, which would give birth to another heated up argument. I’d be doing great injustice if I didn’t mention the following about him and his family. They may be non-believers, but lovely human beings I adore, way better than some of the believers I know.

I’ve definitely been put to the test these few weeks. Even though I am spiritually topped up, I can feel my emotional and physical well being tanks evaporating. If I didn’t know how to top my self up spiritually, I would be an empty vessel by now. Oh ! sure God is a IOC gas station which pumps fuel for free, but only if we stop by and ask for it. I was too ashamed to ask, too self sufficient to need his providence. I forgot his loving touch, his mercies and countless blessings; I got back in to my lil nutshell of living a self-centered life.

He called to tell me that his family was rejecting him for being a believer. Why? God Why? Open em eyes that are blinded make them see you, reveal your self to them. I remember him being a pillar of strength when I was yet a baby believer and felt stripped down and naked when I took a leap of faith to believe in the unknown and unseen. His faith amazed me, even when I was a professing Satanist tearing down every believer along with myself. His love for the Lord was greater than his love for anything, and it was clearly embedded in everything he did. I’m blessed to be able to profess my faith freely, but he will be twice as blessed for holding on amidst persecution.

--> “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13 5-6)

--> When you go an extra mile than you ought to, you find yourself out in deep water with Christ. Realizing that the ground is not solid beneath your feet, you cling to him. You feel his support in ways you would normally never notice. Most people would never leave the harbours of love. They are afraid to venture out on the high seas of radical, non-retaliatory, second-mile love. But that’s where the action is. That’s where God’s presence manifests itself in a far greater way than shore-bound people could ever imagine. That is where people are startled to take a closer look at Jesus Christ.
(Who are you when no one’s looking – by Bill Hybels) - Edited

Obscure Thoughts on Fascination

This year seems to be slipping through my fingers way too fast and I’m still left with a lot more to accomplish than I already have. I have moved completely away from competition and stopped living for others, and life finally feels like a journey on my own personal highway than a race, but yet, I feel inclined to run a little faster than I really ought to, an urge I should learn to curb.

I wish I could type out my emotions whilst behind the wheel, coz that’s the peak of plenty obscure images, visions and thoughts that zap across my mind, thoughts from the very bottom of my heart, weird opinions about theology, psychology, poetry…etc….I even caught myself weeping uncontrollably (thankfully behind my shades), for so many freaking reasons by no means bother me even indirectly in real life.

All Human beings are fascinating creatures. Been wondering, if fascination is the beginning of love, then does that mean that once commited or in love one should resist fascination, since fascination usually leads to obsession (cannot-do-without-feeling). It may be stupid to think in these lines, but this is the truth. Yes, as usual something triggered it. He picked up the guitar and played “D el Mariachi by Los Lobos” for me. I’ve seen him a coupla of times, heard him play before, but never bothered to notice anything beyond his capabilities of fulfilling his job. Unconsciously I was clearly fascinated. Seated in fronta him playing away, I just couldn’t help noticing the gleaming, smiling face, the friendliness and his inquisitiveness to know who I am and what I am. He spoke a language I understood, but couldn’t express myself with, and I spoke the same. The moment kept repeating in my head long after I had left his sight. Of course there was nothing beyond fascination, but fascination itself in its purest form is a warm and lovely feeling, that I fear to experience anything beyond it.

The two subjects I’m taking this semester are teaching me plenty new ways to look at the divine creation of the male and female in an entirely new perspective. I think I’m finally comfortable with the fact of being submissive to a man after comprehending why being submissive in today’s fallen world has become unpleasant.

Are men actually losing their place in the society these days? Yes, they actually are and it irritates me to know that there just ain’t no explanation or solution to it. According to the original plan God made man, to dominate, and woman as his “other half” (notice that I have not stated anything in the line of ‘better half’ or ‘insignificant aid’), only to be submissive to the man. It is also clearly stated that both man as well as woman, equally represent the image of God in terms of his characteristics. If the man & woman were made to “SERVE’ the rest of the creation, love each other and SERVE & DEPEND on each other whilst the man naturally is ordered to take the lead (whilst taking the woman’s opinions in to consideration) where have we gone wrong today?

In today’s fallen world it’s either “His Lameness” who gets pushed around first by his mummy dearest and then his wifey pifey, a man who simply cannot make up his mind and take a decision on his own or “The Ultra Macho Male Chauvinist” who forcefully, brutally dominates anything and everything that crosses his path. The in-betweens who strike a balance between the two are quite a rare case. The two categories of women are either “Madam Dominaty” who attempts to dominate the entire universe or “The Lil Slave Girl” who stays victims and get harassed by the rest of the creation. Something is definitely radically outa place. The only unsatisfying explanation I can come up right now is that this too is a consequence of our fallen state :~

Last week Ted was lecturing about the absolute differences between male and female and how each of the species must learn to celebrate the uniqueness. Why has the world all the while been attempting to segregate and detach the two species from each other? Is this fallen state actually a state of confusion? Is it all man made? Looking deep in to every burning issue taking place around us, it is definitely not impossible for man to resolve it himself. This is just another one-tracked way to look at everything that has gone wrong in today's world. Wouldn’t most of our problems be solved if men and women learnt to respect each other? Wouldn’t men not go to war, if they only thought twice about how a woman would feel in the midst of turbulence? It hurts to see the man who was made to protect, now destroying all that there is. There probably would be no rape, incest, infidelity and everything nasty in that department, if only mankind knew the purpose they were made for.

We are made for him, for each other, one man for a woman (no man for man or vice versa) (“,)

Bought two books, whilst getting the other one free (yippy) to read up more on the stated issue.

Me? Obey? Him? – by Elizabeth Rice Hanford
Love Must Be Tough – by Dr. James Dobson
Who You Are When No One Is Looking – by Bill Hybels

Ma Sexy Likkle Strumming Bird

Finally got myself an acoustic guitar. I just couldn’t wait any more, too much of emotions were building up without an outlet to flush em, the work out’s and the rest of the activities were just not enough to keep me sane I guess. It’s been a tough couple of days with the house still under renovation, lectures, friends & family all keeping me ultra occupied.

Things that usually grab me unaware and leave me annoyed and tangled up have failed to do so these days. Either I’ve been too busy and exhausted that I didn’t have enough energy to notice them or my soul has grown cold and immune to the cruelty and unpleasantness around me, I don’t think I want to find out which one it is. The only incident I remember that drove me up the barbwire fence was a certain lady asking me if I was still schooling? Left school? Or whether I was looking for a job? PLEASE….I’m old enough to have 5 kids…grrrrrrrr…I’d give anything to look grown up, and may be I need a few lessons on how to act grown up as well.

The second semester just started at Bible College and am only taking two subjects this time around. I actually intended taking only one, which was “Genesis”, lectured by “Ivor Poobalan”, but then I see “Issues of Sexuality & Marriage”, by “Ted Rubesh”. How can I ever miss a subject like that, after all each subject is repeated only ones in 2 years. I guess it’s about the biblical view about the whole scenario, which I sure want to clarify.

I do miss loafing the roads of Colombo and the easy access I had (atleast during the weekends) from Wattala. It does get a little lonely sometimes, and the telephone doesn’t really seem to work miracles. So instead of adopting a man, I decided to adopt a slithery & sexy guitar, bright, red and shiny. Wohoooo !!! I’m exhausted by figuring out the chords and trying to break the strings, but happy that I finally got to touching and feeling a strumming bird of my own. It’s definitely gonna take awhile to be playing like a mediocre, let alone a pro and surely gonna take a heap of practicing, time and energy, but I’m gonna love every second of it. I simply can’t seem to keep it down, unlike the Piano that got me utterly disgusted. Ruban gave me the first few lessons on the strings over the phone of course and Chamath gave me the rest, again over the phone. Apparently the guitar is supposed to be terribly out of tune, no wonder everything I play sounds crooked. The piece of wood is just lovely and the strings, HEAVENLY!

First day at Panadura

It’s 5 in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep since 3 a.m, whether it is due to the gripping fear of some creature trying to strangle me dead or due to the sheer excitement this place had offered me, I’m yet to figure out. I wasn’t speaking of em imaginary creatures and monsters who hide inside closets, but real living breathing, fluttery, gooey, icky, soggy, long legged, colourfully ugly creatures.

Started with a ‘pol kuruminiya’ (that’s what my uncle called it) inside my blouse in the morning and ended with a scary looking grasshopper sitting right on top of my bed-sheet and glaring down at me, a if I was some sorta God sent yummy dish for him to devour on. Did I forget to mention about the big fat ‘thalagoya’ in the garden?

It is 5.50 a.m and it suddenly got bright outside, I’m opening the window even as I am typing this and all I see is green, all I hear is the chirping of em feathered ones (they actually start chirping as early as 4 a.m) and feel a lovely cool breeze attempting to break in to my room. The rest of the household is fast asleep and even thought there lingers a sense of loneliness somewhere in my soul it’s overtaken by a strong essence of peace I have never felt before.

Boxes and boxes of things are yet to be unpacked and everything is waiting to be placed in order, the painting and polishing is half done, but the world looks beautiful amidst all of this. The war is going on in Sri Lanka for a reason I don’t understand, me being an individual from the minority, was warned about wanting to settle down in Panadura, due to the fact it being surrounded by the majority, but I adore all these people and they love us back without a doubt. I really do love these people here. Warm hearts, open doors and smiling faces, what more can I ask for? Amidst all that is going on in the country, the world still looks beautiful to me. Em ugly blotches ruining the beautiful creation no longer annoy me.

The guy who has undertaken the painting, as well as his crew are believers who start the day with a hymn and prayer. Lovely ! A carpenter lives right opposite my premises. A vehicle mechanic is a buzz away, a superb welder lives a few houses away, an electrician a lane away and things are much cheaper here (a broom is Rs. 50/- here while it’s a freaking Rs.85/- in Colombo). I’m yet to figure out the rest of em humble luxuries waiting for me.

I saw a mummy monkey with a baby monkey in the garden today. (Yippy, I finally saw a monkey) ! But on the sad note, Johnny is lost, he has gone on a lil exploring trip and I only hope he’ll find his way back. Silly Dog !

Adieu My Childhood Hometown

Shifted off from Wattala to Panadura (FOR GOOD) on Saturday (29th). It was almost close to midnight when we got our bums down here after bidding em old neigbours good-bye. Aunty ‘T’ hugged me and cried, which came as quite a shock. She happens to be the lady to whom I give a lift every morning (for the past 1 ½ years). She is a tough ‘recovery officer’ at a leading bank and has ample exciting stories to entertain us. Sometimes, it’s a story that continues for a coupla days, of wonky clients and bureaucratic, lethargic colleagues. I was quite moved by her reaction, I never expected to mean so much to someone.

‘L’ came along and was spending the last few minutes chatting away, but it meant nothing to me now. No…’L’ ain’t a guy (grin), she’s just my childhood best friend and immediate neighbour. I guess we’ve lost touch in the midst of getting lost in the rat race. It was no use speaking about the good times we had, the games we played till midnight, the years we had lost and how fast we’ve all grown up. True, ‘Kattiyawatta’ was where I grew up, but somewhere down the line, I had lost the warmth I felt for the place (or may be I never felt any warmth at all, due to all the horrible memories the place carries). Em neighbours are nice & thoughtful, really…they loaded us with food and drinks before we set out, they have been there for us for the past 19 years, but there is something missing. Something I expect ain’t there and I don’t know what it is for sure (so let me withhold my judgment).

Zebu died Friday night and even though it would be wrong to reason out why the healthy dog just faded away, I believe he was sent to us for a reason beyond our comprehension. So it was only Johnny for the car ride, this being his first time, he was going bananas. A few minutes on daddy’s lap, and then a trip to the backseat to be on mummy’s lap and then back to the front again, an attempted leap outa the windscreen and an attempted leap outa the shutter. He was nothing short of a mess; he would suddenly creep through dad’s lanky feet and start licking my legs, which were busy driving (which was quite a dangerous, pleasant surprise).

The ‘Panadura – Horana’ road ain’t the rosiest path, but the drive was all worth it. The house looked gorgeous at night (Yeah, this is the first time I’ve laid eyes on it at night). All I had the strength to do was, eat and sleep, of course with my dirty clothes.

I’m loving the weather, controlled by all the trees surrounding this area. The nights aren’t too hot and fan is just an option. The afternoons are warm these days, but pleasantly warm, not to a boiling point.

Overall, I’m thrilled to glory with this place (even though it ain’t blessed with ADSL) and all thanks and praises be to God ! What would I be without HIM ?!?

The following was the devotion for the day in the ODB yesterday.

à I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me out of a horrible pit (Psalms 40 : 1-2)

From sinking sad He lifted me,
With tender hands He lifted me,
From shades of night to plains of light,
O praise His name, He lifted me !

A Taste of Death

Heat Exhaustion has gripped me again. It’s a miracle that I’m up and pumping this morning, for last night was surely a taste of my last few minutes on earth. My breathing pipes were acting wonky and I was clearly short of breath. I could feel my body getting overheated from the inside and my head turning a good 360 degrees ones every few seconds. I so don’t want to see the day we might have to carry oxygen masks along with every trip we make to Colombo.

Panadura is glorious by far. Fruits, trees, birds and squirrels scampering up and down and yes, monkeys as well. Apparently there are monkeys who come to devour em fruits, but I’m yet to catch a glimpse of them. Heavenly! It’s the drive to Colombo and back that get’s me, but I’m sure God has a solution at the tip of his fingers for that as well.

Speaking of God, my entire family has been seeing God’s hand at work more than just a couple of times this month. He started with the sale of the house before the contract got breached and before we looked to alternatives. As usual, He was right on TIME.

The next massive miracle happened last Saturday on our way back from Panadura, down Torrington, while heading to drop aunty Pansy. A plush, cute convertible (and odd navy blue in colour) which was clearly out of control (should have been doing 100+ for sure) was heading straight towards me from the opposite direction. I swerved it to the far left, but it was of no use, but in that split second the car missed me and with a loud clank of metal, stalled right in the middle of the road. I wasn’t in the right mind to get down and scream at the dude, but I think he was quite young (if I remember right, there was a female in the passenger seat), I wasn’t sane enough to jot down the number, or check out the brand of the car. I went on my way, while he pulled to a lane close by. But if someone knows the owner of such car, I’d like to have a chat with him. I’d like to know what happened, I’d like to know why the car stalled, coz I know that it wasn’t the guy who was responsible for the narrow escape. Something unexplainable happened.

The third biggy happened last night. Mummy had left some beef to be roasted on the fire and apparently the whole house had fallen asleep. For some odd reason, my cupboard door creaked open and I woke up to the sound of it. It was freaky to see the door open at first, but what caught my attention was the roasting/burning smell of some sort of meat. Boy ! wasn’t I correct, the chunk of meat would have caused a disaster (to remember) if gone unnoticed, He had woken me up not too early and not too late.

What would I do without Him? All I do is sit and commit my day to him every morning and the day is HIS. The distance sometimes hurts that I wish I could see Him face to face and tell him how grateful I am for all that He is.

I’m still waiting for the next piece of the puzzle to be handed down to me, coz I have quite certainly come to a dual fork in my life. He is taking his time, but as usual I know that He’d be on time and meanwhile I’m doing a better job at keeping my heart still that in previous occasions. Practice has made me better, if not perfect.

--> Lord, How I love you! For you have done such tremendous things for me. The Lord is my Fort where I can enter and be safe; no one can follow me in and slay me. He is a rugged mountain where I hide; he is my Saviour, a rock where none can reach me, and a tower of safety. He is my shield. He is like the strong horn of a mighty fighting bull. All I need to do is cry to him “Oh, praise the Lord” and I am saved from all my enemies! (Psalms 18 : 1-3)