Tuesday, March 28, 2006

A Strange Desire

A strange desire is born, or implanted rather, by my Maker. A desire I have detested and run away from all these years. A desire to step out of the country for a while. I applied to a college online, in the same county as where my aunt lives. I actually applied with no expectation of a reply, but what do I see sitting in my in-box today? A mail from the college! I don’t know what I should be expecting or what next I oughta be doing other than going with the flow, but I’m completely at peace with my self, which is an assurance that em heavenly hands are at work. This is sure an answer to my pleas of one whole year and I never even asked for anything in this line. I hate to leave the country other than on a holiday. I just can’t handle it for more than a week. I wonder how it will go, coz it will probably be for about 6 months – 1 year. I only hope it wouldn’t be more coz even this sounds terribly unbearable.

P - Pray
U - Until
S - Something
H – Happens

The above makes a lot more sense to me now.

--> Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. (Jeremiah 33 :3)

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Sour Grapes

I’m just coming out of another blanked-out season of hibernation. Was juggling with driving people around, splitting my attention on a coupla books whilst trying to compile some bizarre worldviews tormenting my mind. Em bizarre thoughts always look good on paper whilst miraculously relieving my mind. (I am yet to understand the mechanism of this therapy).

Things are falling in to place in a miraculous way. I’m glad that I waited upon my Master than attempt to screw things up with my puny human intelligence. Intelligence and human ways are sweet, but when things are just beyond me and I just can’t think straight, It’s always nice to hand over the steering to my Father in heaven, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. And yes, I can’t think straight coz my hyperactivity has definitely got the better of me and thrown me absolutely outa focus. It really does scare me coz I know for a fact that my mind, body and soul aren’t in connection with one another when so. I can’t seem to shake off the mist and bring it back to connectivity. I’m curious to know where this whole thing is leading, since every day is a new adventure with my Captain. His playfulness is unfathomable most of the time. It just cracks me.

He caught my eye the first day I walked in to that place. He was everything I wanted, just everything I ever dreamed of. The fact that there actually is a possibility for em feelings to be mutual just knocks me off myself. Why am I kicking myself hard and trying to resist these feelings I feel? He’s already got a girly in his arms. SOUR GRAPES !!! Sigh…

I nudged God with the age old prayer of “Father, why did you have to send this dude now, and why with a woman…arrghhh…help me focus coz I know I can’t have him. Numb these feelings I feel for him and keep me far away from him” It worked fine for a coupla of weeks, but they are back again, it’s impossible to ignore em. It’s crazy coz as usual it is just a mere fascination and nothing beyond that. I want his attention whilst at the same time don’t want him. I know it’s selfish, but that’s the truth. All in all It’s nice to know that I am still capable of at least fascinating somebody, I know that my feelings aren’t dead.

Me took a tickle test for the hang of it a coupla days back.......

Quiz - ”What’s your type?” [My TUSH !]
Result - Forget Mr. Average! You go for the artistic type!

Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique man who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words, music, or attire. You're attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms. He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his "inner self". You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this man knows how to make you feel special. He's in touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!

This man sounds too perfect to exist. Artists have always managed to captivate me. An artist in my mind isn’t just a painter or anything in that line. It could very well be a con artist, writer, poet, musician, interior designer, architect, a jungle John…etc. Fascinating as they are, their mood swings and the fact that they like to secure their space freaks me out. They could knock you off your feet and at the same time make you feel miserable to the extent of putting you through a suicidal bout. I am enjoying my space too much to let any frog take a leap at it.

Apart from the usual muddle, I’m all thrilled about shifting to Panadura and redecorating the cottage. If there is anyone who has a sharp eye for colour and want to share their expertise, I’m open to hear out em opinions.

Monday, March 20, 2006

He Hasn't Failed Me Yet

"Jesus’ Blood Never Failed Me Yet" I love this song sung by ‘Jars of Clay’. NO…He has never failed me, he came to my rescue even before the clock struck it’s 11th hour so that I could scream his name out loud for all to hear. He did not put me to shame but kept his promise. He sure is my friend, the lover of my soul and all that I need to exist down here on earth. He is my walking stick, my wheel chair my vitamin & my Prozac.

I wish I had more ways to express my joy than pour it over my blog. I wish my loved ones too would open the eyes of their heart and welcome this amazing friend I’ve found to dwell in them. I wish they would yearn to experience the joy I myself feel. Nothing compares to it, nothing ever will. The following is another track by 'Jars of Clay' that touched the roots of my heart.

(Faith Like a Child)
Dear God, surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

I can’t stop talking about him. I did want to stop one time, thinking that I just might offend the non bilievers, but NO…nothing would ever stop me now. Wouldn’t you keep harping about a better half who surprised you with a Ferrari Enzo, when all you could afford was a Bajaj two-wheeler.

It’s amazing how Jesus is never too late or never too early. I almost burst out laughing reading John 11 last night. It makes me happy to know that my creator really is quite cheeky and is capable of playing a few practical jokes with his creation. How boring would life be otherwise?

What are you waiting on God for today? Relief? Provision? Direction? God's timing is always perfect. Hang in there, don’t lose hope, he will never fail you nor forsake you. There is beauty in his silence and splendor in his mysteriousness.

Give Him a chance to BLOW YOUR MIND !

Quote…..
So if I stand let me stand on the promise You will pull me through,
And if I can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You,
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs,
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.
Unquote……(If I Stand – Jars of Clay)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Once a Rotter Not Always a Rotter :)

I’m shocked at the petite mistakes that are brought to my notice every waking day. It’s a joy to be convicted of the errors that I have been warming my bum on in ignorance.

Brutally blunt as I am, I tend to dagger out exactly what I think of people and situations. I just had my own opinions and explanations for every thing that passed me by. Every question had an answer and every problem had a solution & every one who asked for advice heard exactly what I would have done in the particular situation they are currently facing (and be convinced that my way was the only way)......Dang!

I did attempt to change when I was a Satanist, since I was rigidly following “The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth” and the first one being “Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked”, but it wasn’t long until I slipped back to my ‘Highly opinionated, Ultra Protective Nature’, since there was no basis to these teachings I followed and it wasn't a practical way to lead one's life.

Their problems were my problems, I had to protect everything I loved and knew. If someone asked me to recommend a certain person who had played or even attempted to play a crude game somewhere down the line (once, twice or a gazillion times), I’d just tell the truth and warn them against dealing with the certain individual (especially in business and financial dealings). I always thought this was right, until I was convicted today. May be I was slandering their name leaving them with no second chance to rectify their mistakes. This conviction also included me labeling people to be :

(1) Wannabes / Poseurs
(2) Bitches
(3) Players
(4) Stingy Misers
(5) Gay / Lesbian
(6) Ultra Horny
(7) Jerks
(8) Losers
(9) Proud / Wicked / Jealous / Haughty…the list goes on…

Practicing to hush and not judge people ain’t no easy job, especially with the big (harly) mouth I’m blessed with, but what is wrong is wrong and what has to be changed needs to be changed. I must find ways and means to warn people in a diplomatic way (shrewd as it sounds, warning just has to be done sometimes).

This also brings to my notice that revealing another individual’s true nature just shouldn’t be my business no more (unless of course it brings about justice to a worthy cause).

Why would I want to confide in any one what I wouldn’t want the public to know, when I got my Captain in heaven to discuss all the confidential issues with. This way, one has nothing to hide. Reminds me of Pastor Hans sharing about how one must be transparent and reachable at all times during the “General Epistles” class last week. It did take me by surprise, since I was used to being a tad lil bit of a loner and preffered operating undercover (disagree with me you may…hehee...but really! I am a loner) and I sure have a habit of hiding myself in hibernation every once in awhile.

Conclusion : - If I say I believe in him and claim that I am made in his image, who am I to judge mere humans. If He is merciful enough to forgive me, who am I to say that I’d never forgive another. If My Father did change a filthy sinner like I in to something better who am I to underestimate his power to change another. If I claim “Nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1 :37) who am I to say “once a rotter always a rotter”.

--> If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1 :9)

--> I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Gal 2 : 20)

--> For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self- discipline. (2 Timothy 1 : 7)

Monday, March 13, 2006

Em Thrada Drivers & Thrada Lingo (",)

Who were em four giddy heads in a white wagon that screeched away recklessly and irresponsibly around Moratuwa this morning? & Who was dat ridiculous ‘Shaggy’ impersonator who was driving a loud mouthed, hot pink Lancer that couldn’t move faster than a tortoise, but still thought it was cool to block my path? The pinky sure reminded me of colourful ‘babul’ or rather candy floss (“bombai-muttai” according to Grams) Hmmmpphhh…Show offs!

Me actually managed to post a short blog…Bamboo Shhoooot ! I‘m just too excited for words. Another ona em happa weeks.

Errrm….why do I see my language getting all thrada) ?!??

Sunday, March 12, 2006

I'm Going Potash :)

I meant "potta as" (blind eyed/blurry eyed) :) It's just high time that I invest on a pair of specas coz I don't think my eyes can take up any more postponing. Hmmm......I hate em glasses, I've been on em before...I just hate em! But it has come to a point that moi is having probs behind the wheel. I just can't see a thing sometimes (that freaks me out). Since of late it has even overtaken me writing and reading. I guess it's something to do with focusing...Arghhhh. This sure is a reminder nudging me "Yo girl! age is catcging up, isn't it"?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Another Encounter With "My Munkey"

Today was quite a messy & hectic day, so was this whole week. But today was different. Left half an hour early to Bible College (that’s at 8 a.m) just so that I could begin to practice punctuality, only to find a 40 foot container fallen right across the road creating a mega traffic block. Dang !!! My coming early was worthless, got to the class 10 minutes late as usual…Sigh !

It was burning hot and humid that all I wanted to do was go home and chill, but heard that Aunty Vasanthi was discarding some books before she shifted to her new place and wanted me to come pick up what I wanted. Wowy !!! Em books were marvelous, Encyclopedias, Dictionaries and series & series of books. I felt like a billionaire coz em books would sure cost around 25’000.00 or more if I were to buy it from the stores now.

Came home and fell flat asleep for more than 3 hours straight, only to figure out that I had promised Razor that I’d be turning up at the Autolanka get together. The sticky weather tempted me to stay in and chill, but got in to some grubby clothing and dashed away to greet the waiting Razor…hehehe. It was all good, em guys with RPM on their mind were a tad incomprehensive though.

Tried to make an excuse for not turning up at Jeremy’s party coz “My Munkey” would be there, but since he insisted, me went with sweaty palms and butterflies in me stomach coz I was sure it would be an awkward, long party. I was so wrong, “My Munkey” came and spoke to me, he looked mysterious as ever & my heart shattered in to smithereens, coz he wasn’t mine (& never will be) . Will he ever belong to anyone else? He looked quite straight; I couldn’t digest the fact that he was inclined the other way. We danced awhile, and that seemed to be the best moment in my entire life.

I couldn’t hang in there for long watching him. What we had was lost and he would be gone before I know it. Gone forever. Why him! I keep wondering. May be coz he is just so unreachable, untouchable and unfathomable. I sure thought that I could rest in peace once I knew for sure, but it just isn’t so. This will always, always remained an unfinished story. I wonder if I’d forget about him totally and move on once I fall in love with another……..I wonder, wonder…I keep wondering……

Friday, March 03, 2006

Blemished :(

Drained & dysfunctional as I am these days I pounce on any book that appear to have info in the line of “Why bad things happen to good people”. Just as the world around me is falling apart, the faith, which was stronger than the strongest foundation too is suffering (at least to a certain extent). Conversing with my “Father” has been hideously difficult (usual story, spiritual ups and downs). I’ve been waiting upon him, crying out to him, pleading my way out of whatever sin I had committed. It’s been a good long year since I’ve come to know him, but the battle still remains.

I sometimes have half a mind to question........
“God, would you really care if I turn my back on you again, coz you act like you just don’t care about me. Can’t you see me suffering? All I do is strive to do your will, keep your word, spread your word and live for you, but it still feels like you are downright ignoring me. Father, Why do you still keep whipping me harder and harder everyday, WHY? You know what? Turning away from you ain’t that hard and I just might do it. I wonder if you are really there at all?”

These were my passive thoughts, but thoughts so true. Oh boy ! How I regret em thoughts. I really should be shot with my own shit for being the ungrateful vixen I am. Even though I pleaded for forgiveness for my unholy thoughts and was convinced that He forgave me, I still felt a traitor. He who has brought me so far, will surely take me safely towards victory.

My thoughts ran back to the 1 Peter study we did last week about suffering. (What my suffering is in this case, I shall no state, for it is only He who knows it until I’m told to testify about His goodness and mercy and about how he brought me safe through it all, for it is He who deserves all glory, and all glory goes only unto Him).

--> “This suffering is all apart of the work God has given you, Christ, who suffered for you is your example. Follow in his steps: He never sinned, never told a lie, never answered back when insulted; when he suffered he did not threaten to get even; he left his case in the hands of God who always judges fairly". (1 Peter 2 : 21-23)

The reason I had felt like an outcast was because I had forgotten His lovely attributes (of love) and I wanted signs and miracles just like the rest of them rather than walking by pure FAITH.

The two books I picked up, which I’m reading simultaneously (terrible way of reading, I know…eerrm…I’m actually juggling four…hehehe) were certainly helping me understand the adverse situations and why they are permitted.

Be Confident – by Warren W. Wiersbe (Bible Study on Hebrews)
If God is in Control (Why is My World Falling Apart)? – by Verna Birkey

Even after reading a gazillion books, I would still remain clueless as to why adversities happen around me, but I would learn better to thrust (I emphasize) all my cares on him and smile, coz………

--> “I know in all things God works for the Good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8 :28)

This means that He will see to it that all conditions (good & bad) will eventually work together for good. (Note that this doesn’t say that God causes all things to happen nor say all circumstances happen for good. Grrrrrr….but don’t I wish it was so)

This is the verse that the first few chapters of “If God is in Control” is built on, and to confirm the promise I claimed I got the same verse from the stack of “Random Bible Versus” from which I pick one a day to see what I can derive form it.

I can only smile (aloud) for God sure has been turning all adverse situations in my life from day one for the better (I can’t fathom why & how I’m writing this ultra sweet entry about God & his goodness when I’m drowning in utter muck even as I scribble)

I remember asking Ivor Phoobalan two weeks back in class if it was wrong for one to cry out to the Lord to lessen the weight of one's yoke or to take it away completely. His answer included the following scriptures.

--> “My Father ! If it is possible, let this cup be taken away from me, but I want your will, not mine” (Matthew 26 : 39)

According to the Bible, Jesus cried out to Lord the Father thrice with the same plea in the garden grove of Gethsemane before he was seized for crucifixion.

--> “Eli Eli, lama sabachthani / My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" ? (Matthew 27 : 46)

The very last words Jesus uttered while hanging on the cross when GOD the Son himself felt that God the (his own) Father had forsaken him.

"In my brokenness, I cried out to the Lord, to comfort me and hide me someplace away from this world and ZAP, it was He and I, just He and I. We spoke, we laughed, and it was one of those moments I’d remember forever. Yet the thorns that were wrapped around me continued to wrap themselves tighter. The thorns were eating deep in to my skin, almost touching my frail bones & I felt the horrifying pain. I didn’t understand why? I questioned him, but all he did was smile and stroke my hair till I finally fell in to a conscience sleep in His powerful arms. I don’t remember much, other than the two sensations I felt, the pain from the brambles crushing my skin and His love I felt with every stroke that swept my hair. My world was finally peaceful for I was assured that as long as He held me in His arms, he was in control".

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Ordeal Down Pettah

I reluctantly undertook a local deal a friend palmed on to me. Local deals always require a number of filthy trips down Pettah (Reclamation Rd, 2nd cross street, 3rd cross street, Main street to name a few) to catch up with me suppliers.

I usually make sure that my ass is well covered and I that look like I am draped in sack cloth, which I didn’t bother with this time. Covered or revealed, I still used to get harassed in the past; due to the wrangly Afro hair I had, which was tainted with colour. (Conclusion : Em perverts are gonna harass me anyway)

Parked the dinky toy at the fish market car park (where I was forced to park it in the dingiest corner, which was covered with crow shit and fish scales) and made our way slowly towards 2ndCross Street. Daddy dearest was as usual galloping a few miles in front of me, begging him to go slow was just not gonna work, he’d forget and start galloping all over again…Hmmm. We reach the dingy alleys and I’m already panting. I can clearly hear comments from “Ahhh sexy’ to Tamil and Singhalese songs about love and I just can’t help grinning, (keeping a straight face has never been my forte) but it annoys me at the same time as to how exposed they can make a woman feel.

I walked down the filthy streets trying my best to avoid, betel dribble, pure saliva, food particles, muck and heavily loaded carts charging straight at me, whilst trying to keep up with my Dad. It sure was a horrible and frustrating experience, especially since my friend kept changing the specifications of the goods he required….Argh!!!

My ultra smart Dad suggested we take a shorter route back to the car park….grrrrrr…the so called shorter route was more congested than the rest of the roads, more gross and sure accommodated more perverted men. I was freaked out about my ass being pinched (I half expected a lil scene coz I had already hit boiling point with all the comments and wanted to smash some loser’s face with my humungous bag (malla).

I drove out of the wretched hellhole swearing to never sight it again as well as to never undertake local deals.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Mega Mystery, Finally Solved !!!

My Sweet Ex-Ma-In-Law calls me yesterday for official reasons, but the conversation as usual takes it turn to speaking about her son. I wonder to me self if she thinks I’m a traitor and whether it looks like I dumped her kid out of sheer bitchiness. I slowly pick up courage and mumble junk about what happened last. I pick up more courage and at a snail's pace tell her that I have something to clarify about a series of emails I stole from him 2 years back. She sounds relieved, and says she wants to clarify something in the same line with me. Appointments were made to meet her up at her office to compare notes.

I feel nervous and yet all exuberant and hyper at the same time, while I crookedly park the car right in the middle of the road and dash upstairs to her office. I can finally know the truth and move on with my dear life. My palms are sweating and so are my feet. I nervously go and wait outside till she is done with a telephone conversation. I dash in to her cozy room the minute she calls my name (hugs and kisses…mmmvah). I’m wondering how to start the whole thing (I am sure convinced that he is sexually inclined the wrong way, but it is her that I am worried about, does she already know? If not how will she take it?). She is one amazing lady, the M-I-L of my dreams :)

I begin by showing her the mails, and explaining about the three-year on-off relationship we had (without a spec of intimacy). She begins sharing the lil bit of info she has, sms’s from guys, (overheard) telephone conversations he has with guys till the break of dawn, rumours, incidents from the past. It is definite now that her son ain’t straight; she couldn’t cope up and eventually breaks down. It ain’t anything new to me, but I heave a sign of relief, coz the suspense, suspicions and insecurities were hauled away. I felt renewed to know that all this wasn’t my fault.

Even as I drive out of there, I search my soul and question the past. What did we have? What exactly did he feel every time he said “Love U”? What did the gazillion tapes he made for me, mean? Did he deceive me, Did I feel deceived? How did this go on for three years? Do I still feel the same kind of love for him now, after all this drama? YES, without a shadow of a doubt. Untainted, uncorrupted LOVE in it’s purest form. Will I ever experience it all over again?

I remember one time when we fell asleep after aimlessly staring at a coupla movies, he grips the bedcover, hides his face in the pillow and muttered, “I can’t give you what I want”. Even though I pretend not to understand, I did, but I simple didn’t care. Just sitting therewith him meant the world to me. It didn’t matter that we didn’t hold hands and it didn’t matter that I didn’t feel desired. All that mattered was what I saw in him, a beautiful creature staring back at me…Hmmmm

I move on only coz I must. Come what may, he will still hold that special place in my heart, BUT I’m finally free from all the baggage that burdened my soul, free to love again and live again :)

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

My Munkey, Solitude & Holiness

The past few weeks have been tremendously crazy. Life has been moving extremely fast, events just zapping in fronta my eyes that I just couldn’t seem to keep track of much. Added to that, I’m feeling absurdly exhausted, the breaks of the car are throwing a tantrum of it’s own, the weather is changing, making my limbs crackle and I’m bogged down with heaps of "exceptionally" (meant to sound sarcy) creative assignments. I ain’t grumbling too much, coz amidst all of these; I am still having a time of my life.

Finally called my “munkey” on his show yesterday, keeping away all my pride. All I wanted to do was say Hi and I’m glad I did so (thanks to all the convincing Jeramz did). Realized today that he is still the same, his attitudes have just got the better of him…arrgghhh !!! Heard one of his fellow DJ’s make a catty comment about his sexuality after playing a equally catty song. It was sort of a cryptic message, and only the ones who knew him well would get it…hmmmm…It hurts, but guess not as much as it did when he meant a lil more than a friend. I suddenly went in to a nostalgic trance yesterday and unpacked all the pics of “me lil munkey” from the “Taboo Box” and em memoirs kept streaming back. What we had was never a relationship, what was I thinking? It was far beyond that. I would move on, just the way I decided to do, there’s no turning back coz it is not in God’s plans for me.

I had almost 3 hours to kill before picking up Mummy dearest, after doing lunch with me new found buddy Waj. I wished Sri Lanka had more chill out joints with better (lighter) snacks. I desperately wanted to get away & curl up with a book & be by myself without having to stuff myself (as I was absolutely full to the point where I couldn’t comfortably inhale or exhale) but couldn’t figure out any place in Colombo to do so (K...I wanted to hide that to chill) :)

Paradise Road – Either stuff ones self or wonder about
Baristas – More stuffing
Commons –
Bah! They got no comfy chairs to sit on. Nah, one can’t really chill and drift away there.


I just couldn’t think of any other place. Book shopping was just not an option, coz I couldn’t find parking in any of my booka-picka joints. Outa sheer frustration I finally slapped all thoughts of solitude on the face and boggied off to Sensei, to drive em old buddies up the hedge with my ranting…hehehe.

Tiring, but a productive day. Loved the class at the Seminary with Mr.Ivor Poobalan who is an awesome lecturer. My “AHA” for today actually came from him.

Holy = Set apart
According to Mr. Poobalan, one becomes Holy the minute he decides to follow Jesus it is only an enhancement of holiness there after. It just amuses me how lil people know about holiness and babble about how “I believe in God, but I ain’t Holy” or “ I believe in Jesus, but I am not religious”. Thank God I understood it’s meaning, sooner than later (& pweeese...I don't expect ppl to know the meaning either) :)
God Bless Ya (",)

Friday, February 17, 2006

Mentally Deranged? Am I? :)

This week has been amazingly fulfilling, though I’m still struggling to catch up with completing my assignments. These assignments from Bible College are amazing; every question leads me to a brand new answer, an answer that has never crossed my mind before. I never get to finish em assignments completely in one sitting coz, the minute I start researching, its time to ponder, unlearn and learn em new and fascinating stuff I come across.

Yesterday, some one called me a mentally deranged, retard that needs to see a psychiatric. He called me an utter disgrace to the entire Christian religion. A part of me really wanted to hit him hard (that’s me old self trying to break free), but I genuinely felt, honoured and tickled to the core, that I just couldn’t stop laughing at the situation. I learnt me lesson hard and fast yesterday. When I’m burdened by the Holy spirit to keep my distance from certain people, I’d rather obey and pray for them so that the eyes of their heart would be open to see the mighty one, to know him and to love him, instead of befriending them “Never step in to the battlefield before the Captain signals, loud & clear” (Nah, I never argue about religion or truth unless I am challenged or forced to, I feel bad coz this dude, started it and provoked himself, when he ran outa rebuttals to combat) Geez, how careful can one be?

I remember having a lil discussion with my Mentor around bout this time last year. I remember looking at him blank on the face and muttering accusations of how bad and insecure he was making me feel. He was explaining about the purpose of life and the purpose of any project for that matter. I was provoked, coz I didn’t know where I was going or what I wanted to do and never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would ever find my purpose. I remember walking out of his office all drained out and fagged, as if the whole world was on me shoulders. I lost all-purpose and the tad bit of aggressive ambitious restlessness I had in 2003, when the first dude I ever really loved ditched me in style (stupid silly me thought that it was the end of the world). Now I’m glad that he did what he did that day, coz what ever hopes n’ dreams I had back then wasn’t even close to the true purpose of life I have now. Hadn’t that happened and hadn’t I lost my way, I’d still be lost or probably six feet under with my soul jigging up in Hell.

This Monday as I was as usual doing some daily research and looking for my “AHA” for the day & stuff for an assignment, I came across some interesting stuff about how the bible changes lives. Pasted below is my own version of it, which I compiled for the assignment.

Quote from the assignment…..
The Bible Changes Lives

Unlike other religions and religious books, the Bible is backed up by facts and can be put to the test. Whilst the Bible claims to fill the spiritual void that is within every human being, believing in Jesus miraculously answers life’s most probing questions by giving one a genuine identity, purpose and destiny (which every human being is yearning to find, the believers having found it, the skeptics still continue the search) J

Identity – Who we are?

Our identity crisis finally ends since we realize that we are created in Gods image. We can now fearlessly think, love and communicate with God and get to know him.

Purpose – Why am I here?

Instead of walking through life aimlessly, we can now be assured that we are created to love God and enjoy Him and His creation forever. God sure communicates through the Bible about our code of conduct and what is required of us.

Destiny – Where am I going?

We are blessed with the assurance of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ, a promise to live in His presence forever. One does not have to be terrified of death, since there is a greener pasture beyond it,

There have been many instances where people who set out to disapprove the Bible ended up becoming believers themselves. The message of God’s love and forgiveness through Jesus Christ still keeps changing lives today.
Unquote……

I sure was in tears when I realized that I had it all now, in HIM. I had successfully found my purpose and am steadily hippety hopping towards my destiny, never realizing I was doing so. What more could I ask for?

-> Be Strong & courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31 : 6)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The So Called Valentine's Day

What commercial and cultural propaganda presents as beautiful is rooted in ugly paganism but most blind followers do not know. They are just blind followers of their equally blind cultural leaders. Little do they realize that what they consider as innocent fun may in fact be rooted in paganism. That the symbols they embrace may be symbols of unbelief. That the ideas they borrow may be products of superstition.

Valentines Day was originally created as a substitute. Centuries before Christ, the pagan Romans celebrated February 15 and the evening of February 14 as an idolatrous and sensuous festival in honor of the pagan god “Lupercus”, the "hunter of wolves" by holding a lottery where the names of willing teenage girls were placed in a box and drawn at random by teenage men. By this lottery a young man was assigned a young woman companion for their mutual pleasure (often sexual) for the duration of a year. The Romans called the festival the "Lupercalia."

When Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire there was some talk in church circles of discarding this pagan free-for-all. But the Roman citizens wouldn't hear of it! So it was agreed that the holiday would continue as it was, except for the more grossly sensual observances.

It was not until the reign of Pope Gelasius that the holiday became a "Christian" custom. As far back as 496, Pope Gelasius outlawed the Lupercian festival, but cleverly retained the lottery, because he was aware of the Roman’s love for games of chance. But now instead of names of women in the box, there were placed names of saints.

Who Was the Original "St. Valentine"?
Valentine was a common Roman name. Roman parents often gave the name of their children in honor of the famous man who was first called Valentine in antiquity. That famous man was Lupercus, the hunter. But who was Lupercus? - and why should he have also borne the name Valentine among the heathen Romans?

The Greeks called Lupercus by the name of "Pan". The Semites called Pan "Baul," according to the Classical Dictionaries. Baal - mentioned so often in the Bible - was merely another name for Nimrod, "the mighty hunter" ( Genesis 10:9) It was a common proverb of ancient time that Nimrod was "the MIGHTY hunter before the Lord." Nimrod was their hero - their strong man - their VALENTINE!

How plain that the original Valentine was Nimrod, the mighty hunter of wolves. Yet another of Nimrod's names was "Sanctuc" or "Santa", meaning Saint. It was a common title of any hero-god. No wonder that the Roman Lupercalia is called "St. Valentine's Day"!
But why do we associate HEARTS on a day in honor of Nimrod - the Baal of the Phoenicians and Semites?

The surprising answer is that the pagan Romans acquired the symbol of the heart from the Babylonians. In the Babylonian tongue the word for heart was "bal" (Strong's Concordance Number H1168). The heart - bal - was merely a symbol of Nimrod - the Baal! or Lord of the Babylonians!

Executed at Rome
Nimrod - the original St. Valentine - was also known as Saturn, the Roman-Babylonian god who hid from his pursuers in a secret place. The Latin word Saturn is derived from the Semitic speaking Babylonians. It means "be hid," "hide self," "secret," "conceal." The original Semitic (Hebrew) word, from which the Latin Saturn is derived, is used 83 times in the Old Testament (see Young's Concordance under "Sathar," also "sether").

According to ancient tradition, Saturn (Nimrod) fled from his pursuers to Italy. The Apenine mountains of Italy were anciently named the mountains of Nembrod or Nimrod. Nimrod briefly hid out at the site where Rome was later built. The ancient name of Rome, before it was rebuilt in 753 B.C. was Saturnia - the site of Saturn's (Nimrod's) hiding. There he was found and slain for his crimes. Later, professing Christians in Constantine's day made Nimrod - the St. Valentine of the heathen- a Saint of the Church and continued to honor him under the name of a Christian martyr.

Why February 14?
But why should the Romans have chosen February 15 and the evening of February 14 to honor Lupercus - the Nimrod of the Bible? (Remember that day in ancient times began at sunset the evening before.)

Nimrod - Baal or sun god of the ancient pagans - was said to have been born at the winter solstice. In ancient time the solstice occurred on January 6 and his birthday therefore was celebrated on December 25 and now called Christmas. It was the custom of antiquity for, the mother of a male child to present herself for purification on the fortieth day after January 6 - Nimrod's original birthdate - takes us to February 15, the celebration of which began on the evening of February 14 - the Lupercalia or St. Valentine's Day.

On this day in February, Semiramis, the mother of Nimrod, was said to have been purified and to have appeared for the first time in public with her son as the original "mother and child."
The Roman month February, in fact, derives its name from the februa which the Roman priests used in the rites celebrated on St. Valentine's Day. The febru were thongs from the skins of sacrificial animals used in rites of purification on the evening of February 14.

Cupid Makes His Appearance
(A cute chubby cherub known as mischievous Jinn disguised as a winged child armed with bow and arrows. In western culture he shot darts of desire into the bosoms of both pretend gods and humans causing them to all deeply in love. In ancient Greece he was know as Eros the young son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. To the Roman’s he was Cupid, and his mother was Venus).

Another name for the child Nimrod was "Cupid" - meaning "desire" (Encyclopedia Britannica, article "Cupid"). It is said that when Nimrod's mother saw him, she lusted after him - she desired him. Nimrod became her Cupid - her desired one - and later her Valentine! So evil was Nimrod's mother that it is said she married her own son! Inscribed on the monuments of ancient Egypt are inscriptions that Nimrod (the Egyptians called him Osiris) was "the husband of his mother."

As Nimrod grew up, he became the child-hero of many women who desired him. He was their Cupid! In the Book of Daniel he is called the "desire of women" ( Dan. 11:37). Moffatt translates the word as Tammuz - a babylonian name of Nimrod. He provoked so many women to jealousy that an idol of him was often called the "image of jealousy" ( Ezekiel 8:5). Nimrod, the hunter, was also their Valentine - their strong or mighty her! No wonder the pagans commemorated their hero-hunter Nimrod, or Baal, by sending heartshaped love tokens to one another on the evening of February 14 as a symbol of him.

Nimrod, the son of Cush the Ethiopian, was later a source of embarrassment to the pagans of Europe. They didn't want an African to worship. Consequently, they substituted a supposed son of Nimrod, a white child named Horus, born after the death of Nimrod. This white child then became a "fair Cupid" of European tradition.
Red Rose
The rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love. Red is a color that stands for strong feelings. This is why the red rose is a flower for Valentine’s.

It is about time we examined these customs of the pagans now falsely labeled Christian. It is time we quit this Roman and Babylonian foolishness - this idolatry - and these pagan customs in memory of Baal the sun god.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

End of all Oppressions – Spiritual Warfare - The Battle Begins

Blogging sure has taken the backseat these days. Life was pulled apart and scattered till last Friday. There was a dark cloud that I just couldn’t shake off my life. I tried everything, rebuking all evil in His name, burning all dark objects that I possessed that gave any legal right for the evil one to inflict me…etc….but nothing seems to be working.

My eating habits had changed drastically (I am naturally a poor eater; never could I eat more, unless of course life’s pressures throw me in to a bulimic pang). I was eating like a hound that has been starved a decade. Later found out that it had freaked my Mum as well…hehehe I noticed a change in my breathing, it was heavier than usual. Even though I was my usual hyper self, there was a horrible sense of darkness following me around (which I couldn’t comprehend or shake off) making me quite boisterous, annoyed and short tempered (which I’m usually not, unless some moron really dares piss me)

After fini reading “Unbroken Curses - by Rebecca Brown” I figured what exactly I was going through. Friday morning turned out to be the most glorious and amazing days of my life.

I took authority over all dark forces and rebuked them in Jesus precious name. I submitted my case in my Masters court to end all afflictions I was going through. I had no talk or business with the evil one, but I cried out to my Master “Enough is Enough” I can’t take it any more; It’s time he banishes the “dark one” from my life for good. I asked him to reveal any grey or dark areas in my life where I had given legal rights to be afflicted.

It was amazing. Even as I prayed, I broke in to tears; I saw a bright light even as I was closing my eyes. I didn’t know why I was crying, but it felt like a one to one conversation with my Master. I was crying quite loud, but amazingly enough, no one in the house-hold heard me (just what I prayed for). I didn’t wanna stop, coz it was too good to be true. That was the best conversation I’ve ever had.

Note :- [The reason for the change in my attitudes could have been a due to a transferring of spirits, during a deliverance session (not done by me, but was initialized by me) ]

Miraculously, my eating habits changed back to normal, my heavy breathing stopped, and a sense of peace reigned over the entire house and my life. The dark cloud had completely disappeared.

Even my parents fond it hard to believe all I’m saying, I don’t expect them to understand me right now. Most of my friends seem worried about me. Others think that it is my imagination.

“If I say that I am free (in Him) who will BELIEVE” ?!?

I say to you, sure I am weak and puny. I am nothing but a useless speck of dust, hardly visible for one’s naked eye. Stop looking at me; look at the mighty one within me instead.

All things are possible in his name. He is my fortress, my providence, my friend and my all. He who lead me all the way will never lead me in to a ditch, even if he does, he will make sure that I land on soft moss. He who brought me so far surely wouldn’t let me down now.

--> He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. (Isaiah 40 : 29)

--> “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29 :11)

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

A Pack of Smokes and a Shoulder to cry on :(

Life has been absolutely trying since last Wednesday. It all started with me overhearing some nasty, untrue gossips about me and ended with friends, the not so known and family pissing me off. Today was the explosion day, didn't even wanna get up and drive Mum to work, didn't speak with anyone at home, have been snapping at almost everyone and sleeping a lot the past few days, just to avoid conflict. I just couldn’t snap out from the dark mood I was carrying around.

The conflict was so horrible today, that all I wanted to do was get my hands on a pack of smokes, sit in a corner, cry to me hearts content and smoke (That’s what I would have done a year back), but finally settled for Lollipops (Couldn’t help laughing at myself)

Its almost 10 p.m and I seem to be a lot more chilled than I was in days. Hope my mood changes for the better sooner than later, before I manage to snap at the whole world and get everyone pissed at moi.

Note : No Pasan, I ain’t manic depressive. Common I’m only human. I have the right to be pissed and down just like the rest of em goons….hmmmphhh

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Abominable Occultic Objects

Things and people were pissing me off big time since Saturday. I usually ain’t the type to get my temper flaring, but it was getting a little too much to handle. Finally managed to finish reading “Seduction Exposed” By Dr. Gary Greenwald, which was one amazing book. Nah, It did no good to my anger, but sure did convince me to get rid of a few suspected occulted items in the house. As usual my Sunday night was sleepless...Hmmmmmm

-> I started with my 3 toe rings, I wasn’t able to part with all this while and when I had a closer look at it, sure enough, there were stars and moons imprinted on them.

-> Next were a few more pure silver rings, and medallions which were dearly collected when I was in darkness. There were signs of the sun, animals, and suspicious carvings imprinted on them as well.

-> A live scorpion dipped in hot wax and caged in a beautifully framed show box, which was presented by a friend on my last birthday. I’m sure he gave it to me because of my past passion for the creature and I held on to it coz of the same passion and compromised saying that it was just an ornamental piece, but guess its time to let it go.

-> After all the ranting I do about keeping away from anything that belongs to the dark side, I still went ahead, unaware, unthinking and bought glow stickers for my car which were shaped in to moons and starts just last week. Hmmm….they too have to go. Thank God I hadn’t got to pasting em due to the uncomfortable feeling I had about em after bringing em home.

-> Next were 2 sets of “sun and moon” clay carvings. One was in my room, one was hung in the old Gallery I owned and now packed and kept aside. Smashed them in to pieces as well.

-> Last of all was an absolutely beautifully carved Voodoo mask which was handed over by one of my dear suppliers to be sold in the Gallery around the beginning of last year. I always felt uncomfortable hanging it in the Gallery, that I was eternally changing its hanging place. I did sorta pray over it once it was brought home, but the uncomfortable feeling never left me. I didn’t want to destroy it coz it wasn’t mine and it was a good Rs. 1000/= +, but yesterday I decided to put it through the fire, just like the rest of em.

My Mum thought I was going absolutely cookoo in the brain when I mentioned what I was gonna do on Sunday, but managed to speak to my Dad yesterday and Geeeez……..he was all up for it. He did agree with all what I was saying and volunteered to help me put up a fire to destroy all of em dark stuff.

So that’s exactly what we did. We first covered ourselves with Jesus’ precious blood and then broke all bondages it had on us in His precious name, and cast them to the flames.

It feels good to have em removed, Praise the Lord !!

Friday, January 27, 2006

The WARRIOR in moi

Argghh….this week has been absolutely hectic & trying, saddening but yet so fulfilling. Managed to face quite a threateningly hilarious incident on Tuesday. While on my way home after dropping Mum at work around 9.15 a.m, I noticed a dark, hefty looking middle aged man on a motor bike glare me down in my dinky toy around the Maradana overhead bridge while I was stopped at the colour lights. I didn’t notice him following me or rather riding very close to my car till I reached just before Thotalanga. Tried to slow down & let the man pass me, which he did only to catch up with me at the Traffic lights just before the Thotalanga New Bridge.

He who was all ready to turn to a by lane from the main road turned his bike and parked it right next to the window on my side and was having a roaring peeping session (was dressed in a knee length skirt, which was absolutely decent, there was nothing to exhibited) :)

The worked up animal in me turned around and mouthed “Have you a problem?” to which he too gritted his teeth and threatened me in return.

The traffic had already started moving and we had quite an audience by now. I waited awhile for him to move forward and go on his way, but there was absolutely no sign of him moving for a few minutes. He was waiting till I moved. He was so playing with the wrong PERSON !

I pulled out the cell phone and pretended to call someone (exactly in the manner of calling an influential & powerful spike). He gave me another threatening look. I ignored all daggers, brought the car to a standstill right in the middle of the road & pretended to be on the phone in an absolutely harassing way.

Wowy !!! The scared loser turned around and went on his way towards the opposite direction, probably after relaising that he wasn’t getting any pleaure in harassing me.

I was flustered, annoyed & saddened, but still felt like a HERO to have scared a man off !!

Why did he do that? I wish I knew. Hmmmmm…….

Monday, January 23, 2006

Worldly Pressures of Single-hood (",)

It so happens to be that the species of the opposite sex I eventually begin to have the HOTS for are either, too old, taken or absolutely screwed up in their head. You wish you had access to the physically attractive ones you suddenly pass by on the road, but then again, who knows if they too are the average air heads.

Nah, being “Single” doesn’t annoy me at all, but the fact that it annoys everybody around me (including my mater) sorta drives me up the wall.

“Hey Judy, any one new & interesting?” (Friends)

“What men, no boyfriend yet?” (Relatives & Parent's friends)
Plzzz…..I think I’ve had enough to last me a century :)

“Ahhh….next is you ah !”
(At weddings)

“Time for you to find someone and settle down ah, enough trail and errors”
(Mater)

Arrrghhh……Lord have mercy on my soul. The taunts are becoming worse these days. WHY? coz my closest second cousin, who happens to be my age, is getting engaged this coming Saturday. Woooahhhh….time for me to pack my bags and run away…...hehehe (I guess I just can’t take any more comments in that department). I love this woman, she’s the best cousin I’ve got and I’m overjoyed at the fact that she is hitching up (even though it ain’t with a dude of her parent’s dreams).

After a mega discussion about the whole issue of “Finding a man & settling down” with Mums last week, I sorta sat down in my quiet corner and fell deep in to pondering about the whole thing. I came up with the following Why’s (I choose to be single, at least for now) & Why Nots (I havn't bumped in to Prince Charming yet) which would keep me sane amidst all of em horrendous & irritating comments.

(1) I gotta lot to grow u know, I’m still very much a kid myself (they even say that I look 18) Unless the dude is willing to grow up with me…Screw it !!!

(2) I am quite happy being single, and don’t feel the need to go out with the very next dude who asks me out (They just don’t deserve my YES) !!!

(3) I still haven’t come across a man who is at least 80% mentally and physically appealing (according to my standards of measurement).They are just not my cup of tea (Btw. I like coffee) :)

(4) Every man I have come across so far (potential & non potential) have been absolutely puny, self centered and just not strong enough for me (I’d rather marry off a woman & make test tube babies). Even the strongest of em, when made transparent were a ball of insecurities (Not that I don’t have my own set of insecurities, but in my world, MEN just gotta be PERFECT) !

(5) Men these days have become so dependent, financially & mentally. They are either broke or depressed (That freaking annoys me). Most of them seem to be looking for a woman to cook & feed them, take care of their family as well as to boost their ego & pockets ONLY (Geeez….still to meet a guy who thinks women are much more than that) !

(6) They just don’t seem to be having the same world view I have (Why in the world would I wanna get hitched just to get entangled in a web of endless arguments?). This includes my religious beliefs. The ones who say that they do share the same belief, eventually turn outa be horrible posers.

(7) Most of them just can’t seem to stand (take up / tolerate) my “Are you genuine” test (I love this part) If you really say you like me, Put up with me !!!

(8) Where in the world has all the creativity, humour, zest and masculinity gone ?!?

(9) I don’t wanna be making the same mistake of ending up with the not so perfect dude ever again. If I was to ever even consider hitching up again, it would be nothing less than with the absolutely perfect GENTLEMAN, just made for me (made in heaven)

Note that I’ve emphasized on the word GENTLEMAN, which excludes the Kabbas, Gangstas, Rastas and the so called Cool Dudes (or was it Cool Duds).

(10) Last but not the least; I just don’t have the freaking time and energy to not be single right now.

Since I’ve got all my thoughts straight, guess I wouldn’t really bother explaining the reasons to people who question me from now on. So help me Lord, or rather HELP THEM !!!

Monday, January 16, 2006

My sweet schizophrenic friend on her way to recovery :)

I just couldn’t sleep last night. I felt a gripping fear and I so don’t know why. Oh boy ! Didn’t I suffer the consequences today? The only way I survived behind the wheel was by swallowing 2 boxes of tic tacs. Sleepy were my eyes & horrible was the feeling.

Finally got an appointment with Pastor Kegal for the Schizo Kid. He lay hands on her and prayed. Nothing much happened then. I wasn’t expecting much either, coz it needs to be a slow and steady recovery. He wanted to see her again in 2 weeks. More about her then.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

2nd Day at Bible College

I expected an old guy to be my lecturer, coz the name of the lecturer on me time table was “Karin Ramachandra”, but the lecturer was quite a hyper Danish female...Yaaayyy :)

I was fuming and quite provoked by the end of the class. My twisted, aggressive and boorish ways of thinking about Religion, God, the Bible & the world were sure challenged. I am trying hard to be open to anything I'm gonna hear at this place. I wanna unlearn all my wrong ways of thinking and understand my Master’s mind just the way he wants me interpret it.