Rebellious by Nature

It feels like I’ve been spending too much time trying to hide and trying to operate undercover, that the very thought of taking any sort of lead in public freaks me out. The slightest bit of attention thrown my way, cripples me, paralyses me and eventually kills me…….heheheheh

[I’m just messing] !

Confession – I’m missing Colombo as well as the fast paced life a lil too much that it’s beginning to mess a tad lil bit with my mental well being.

Disappointment – The movie “The Da Vinci Code” was a bore. If I hadn’t read the book, It would have been quite a mess to watch. A all time failure !

Lil Mercies – This lil town needs me (or so I’d like to think)…yeah…they need me and most of all they need God !

A Dash of Happiness - I gave a lift to a stranger for the first time yesterday to a mum and her two lil kids (me think they live way down my lane). I could have stored the car and done a lil hula dance after dropping them, but I pumped up the volume of the car stereo and got the glasses shattering with my croaks instead.

Enlightenment – Finished the course “Introducing Isaiah” with Pastor Mike Reith yesterday. It was an open Bible exam, but I think I conked it up big time, but while flipping through the book of Isaiah for answers, a lil passage spoke to me, and spoke to me Good.

--> If you keep the Sabbath’s holy, not having you own fun and business on that day, but enjoying the Sabbath and speaking of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day, and honouring the Lord in what you do, not following your own desires and pleasures, nor talking idly – then the Lord will be your delight, and I will see to it that you ride high, and get your full share of blessings I promised to Jacob, you father. The Lord has spoken ! (Isaiah 58 : 13 – 14)

Of course I knew this passage, but because of the resentment I had towards the Church loaded with man made rituals and rules, I guess I was happier going against the tide and taking the commandment lightly substituting it with a verse from the New Testament. Rebelliously clutching on to this verse from the New Testament I chose to go dancing on Sunday instead, just to prove a point to em holier than thou so-called Christians who keep only their Sabbath days holy.

--> So don’t let anyone criticize you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating Jewish holidays and feast or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. For these were only temporary rules that ended when Christ came. They were only Shadows of the real thing – of Christ himself. (Colossians 2 : 16-17)

The problem here wasn’t the fact that I was evading the Sabbaths (rightfully, Sabbath is the 7th day of the week, whish is Saturday of course), but the reason I was doing so. The real problem was my rebellious heart, my “no one rules me” attitude. It also made me realize the resentment I had towards the Church and that it was time to let go of all of it. It was time I stopped running away from Christian fellowship, it was time I stopped judging them by what they say and do (as oppose to what they believe) and realize “To Err is Human”.

The Perfect Him

It’s 5 a.m Sunday Morning and I haven’t had proper sleep for the past two weeks. Of course this is God’s humble way of telling me “Judy Poody, you got a lil issue I need you to fix”. And here I am wide-awake and trying to figure out the best possible way to mend the bend.

With me are yet another few books that are life altering.

-> PsychoBabble – By Richard Ganz
-> The Lies We Believe – By Dr. Chris Thurman

The latter is a perfect book for perfectionists and people with serious flaws like myself (“,)

It all boiled down to this :-

It all felt like a fairy tale until now, when something had to be done. I can’t hide away from my wayward feelings and neither can I run away from the prevailing situation. He’s known me for a good four years and has claimed to have set his eyes on me ever since. (Hmmm…..I’ve heard that before, but fortunately or unfortunately his statement is quite genuine). I remember him first walking in to my previous place of employment, and yes, he looked the type of guy I’d fancy, but no way would I even dare look his way. He sounded perfect in all his ways, and I vaguely remember the whole office speaking of him. He was soon forgotten when I walked out of my place of employment looking for greater challenges.

It all started when I met him again after a couple of months at a function I attended back at my previous office, when his feelings were revived and numbers were exchanged through third parties and the usual bla bla…….. I guess I couldn’t care less back then coz I was just out of my very first & horrible relationship and to get away from all the attention I was getting from him I did something mean and stupid, by inviting him to a church get together and ignoring him. I guess it annoyed me to figure out that it wasn’t going to be a “One Man” situation anymore, Mr. Spikes had broken the so-called policy I cherished for 18 years (which was part my fault), and here I was considering this unknown stranger I vaguely admired. After much explanation and apologies, we remained friends. I don’t think he knows what really hit him back then even as at today.

[A piece of advice – Women at 18 are volatile, so are men. Never let relationships get you when this young. The world is moving faster and everything happens premature and instant and we all make the mistake of going with the flow and getting trapped in painful situations that could have been avoided otherwise.]

Two years went by and I transformed from a rebel to a somewhat civilized, reformed individual, who actually looked at life with binoculars extending across a span of a couple of years as oppose to when I was living on the edge and grasping each moment as it passed me by. I remember him walking in to my office one evening and we spoke about life and how he was hurting over a broken relationship. Slowly but steady it evolved in to a so-called relationship, where the parents knew and all that jazz, which lasted a mere two weeks ( a part my fault or may be even entirely).

He is one of those guys every woman yearns their man to be. He’d be your best friend, guru and everything you want him to be. He was more like the guy who wants to grow with you, know you inside out, figure out how ugly you are inside and yet choose to be there for you. It was amazing to watch him pursue his career, pursue his education whilst humbly accepting his failures in the past. Guys like em rarely come by. So what went wrong you may ask?

I freaked out ! I couldn’t handle PERFECTIONISM ! It all seemed too good to be true ! He, in my eyes was too neat, too organized, too rigid, too orderly, too demanding and just TOO PERFECT ! So much for harping about waiting for that perfect man huh?

After almost a year of silence, we are back in talking terms and trying to reconcile, but the fear hasn’t left me yet. And the good amount of reading on gaining insights about yourself as well as the others is just not letting me escape the past and the fact that I better face my fears now than never.

It’s funny how our brain works…really. I remember unconsciously mentioning how I always wear an image of a chaotically messed up individual on the outside, while really being calm and in control on the inside. That itself is an unconscious behaviour which I haven’t figured out reasons for doing so and here is a guy who is striving to be a perfectionist just like me and is brave enough not to camouflage it with make believe images and I’m freaking out at the very thought of it. [Sigh]

All I can do right now is to wait upon the Lord for direction since Mr. Perfect is a non-believer and I am still clearly in a freaked out state of mind and am by no means in a hurry. It could jolly well take, days, weeks, months or even years. I remember grappling with this issue of mixed marriages since I was a brat. How come we Christians claim to love & treat everyone equally when we outcast the non-believers when it comes to intimate relationships and marriage. After all Christians too are prone to temptation, sin and faltering just like the rest of them. I’ve finally come to terms with [2 Corinthians 6:14-18] . In reality (in terms of the modern world), it surely means more than merely uniting with another Christian, it involves goals, ambitions, work ethics, lifestyles etc.

--> It is more logical for man and woman in a marriage union to be accountable to one master who is God himself, but in the case of a mixed-marriage union both will not have God as their focus, where one will think from a Christian point of view, whilst the other from a mere world view. The different opinions in most cases eventually clash at some point.

--> Sharing a mere five or ten year goal ain’t enough, but a goal towards eternity [1 Corinthians 9 : 24 – 27] .

Of Evolution, Creation & Plain Dippy Me !

With all hopes of watching the Da Vinci Code flushed down the toilet, I’m wearing an ugly scowl on my face for a reason I simply cannot fathom. I read a Christian site harping about why one shouldn’t go watch the movie with motives of enjoying it. Huh ? So….that makes me less holier than thou, is it ?!? A traitor ?!? Who am I to defend God, the creator of all mankind? It’s a different story for Christian Apologetics to publish books, articles or use whatever mode to help the readers of the book and the viewers of the movie to figure out what is truth and what is fiction, but another to force them how to feel about the entire story.

I hate doing my accounts just as much as I hate my greens (even more so may be…hmmm). Even though her lazy ass has been procrastinating doing the final accounts for quite some time, now the time has come for it to be done with (to avoid unwanted trouble). And Halleluiah ! I’m almost coming to the end of it and would finally be able to enjoy a good night’s sleep..

[Why Me Lord] ?!?

Things are finally settling in and taking a slow pace, a slower pace than I’d actually like it to be. (Typical Human !! When its sunny they yearn for rain and vice versa). The fewer posts is not due to a all day-everyday-ultra-hectic schedule, but simply coz it’s a slow and painful process to post with a dialup connection. I don’t even check my mail on outlook now, keeping it all web based seems quicker and easier (but then again, that too seem to take a gazillion years).

There are more things robbing my sleep at night than just plain insomnia, a person I owe an explanation to, the schizophrenic lil girl who has gotten worse. I should have paid more attention, I should have kept at it, but I gave up too easily. My ignorance and unwillingness to get my hands dirty has turned around and stabbed me guilty! I’m back on my mission and this time without looking back.

As usual got in to several arguments about creation (which fortunately didn’t turn bitter) with Daddy and a dear Uncle who is a family friend.

Evolution?!? Nonsense !!!

My partially skeptic father was trying to blend in evolution and creation. According to him, God created man through ‘evolution’ (what on earth has so called evolution got to do with creation? There ain’t no beginning, and there ain’t no end).

As for the Uncle, his biggest issue was scientists finding fossils of living beings which are millions of years old and according to his learned self, the world is way older than it was supposed to be created by God. Oh ! Did I forget to mention that he himself is a Scientist ! Them and their gone wrong measurement sticks. They have no proof that the ice age existed before creation. There is a huge possibility (a definite possibility) for the ice age to have started after the ‘Great Flood’. I’m yet to explain this to him, which would give birth to another heated up argument. I’d be doing great injustice if I didn’t mention the following about him and his family. They may be non-believers, but lovely human beings I adore, way better than some of the believers I know.

I’ve definitely been put to the test these few weeks. Even though I am spiritually topped up, I can feel my emotional and physical well being tanks evaporating. If I didn’t know how to top my self up spiritually, I would be an empty vessel by now. Oh ! sure God is a IOC gas station which pumps fuel for free, but only if we stop by and ask for it. I was too ashamed to ask, too self sufficient to need his providence. I forgot his loving touch, his mercies and countless blessings; I got back in to my lil nutshell of living a self-centered life.

He called to tell me that his family was rejecting him for being a believer. Why? God Why? Open em eyes that are blinded make them see you, reveal your self to them. I remember him being a pillar of strength when I was yet a baby believer and felt stripped down and naked when I took a leap of faith to believe in the unknown and unseen. His faith amazed me, even when I was a professing Satanist tearing down every believer along with myself. His love for the Lord was greater than his love for anything, and it was clearly embedded in everything he did. I’m blessed to be able to profess my faith freely, but he will be twice as blessed for holding on amidst persecution.

--> “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13 5-6)

--> When you go an extra mile than you ought to, you find yourself out in deep water with Christ. Realizing that the ground is not solid beneath your feet, you cling to him. You feel his support in ways you would normally never notice. Most people would never leave the harbours of love. They are afraid to venture out on the high seas of radical, non-retaliatory, second-mile love. But that’s where the action is. That’s where God’s presence manifests itself in a far greater way than shore-bound people could ever imagine. That is where people are startled to take a closer look at Jesus Christ.
(Who are you when no one’s looking – by Bill Hybels) - Edited

Obscure Thoughts on Fascination

This year seems to be slipping through my fingers way too fast and I’m still left with a lot more to accomplish than I already have. I have moved completely away from competition and stopped living for others, and life finally feels like a journey on my own personal highway than a race, but yet, I feel inclined to run a little faster than I really ought to, an urge I should learn to curb.

I wish I could type out my emotions whilst behind the wheel, coz that’s the peak of plenty obscure images, visions and thoughts that zap across my mind, thoughts from the very bottom of my heart, weird opinions about theology, psychology, poetry…etc….I even caught myself weeping uncontrollably (thankfully behind my shades), for so many freaking reasons by no means bother me even indirectly in real life.

All Human beings are fascinating creatures. Been wondering, if fascination is the beginning of love, then does that mean that once commited or in love one should resist fascination, since fascination usually leads to obsession (cannot-do-without-feeling). It may be stupid to think in these lines, but this is the truth. Yes, as usual something triggered it. He picked up the guitar and played “D el Mariachi by Los Lobos” for me. I’ve seen him a coupla of times, heard him play before, but never bothered to notice anything beyond his capabilities of fulfilling his job. Unconsciously I was clearly fascinated. Seated in fronta him playing away, I just couldn’t help noticing the gleaming, smiling face, the friendliness and his inquisitiveness to know who I am and what I am. He spoke a language I understood, but couldn’t express myself with, and I spoke the same. The moment kept repeating in my head long after I had left his sight. Of course there was nothing beyond fascination, but fascination itself in its purest form is a warm and lovely feeling, that I fear to experience anything beyond it.

The two subjects I’m taking this semester are teaching me plenty new ways to look at the divine creation of the male and female in an entirely new perspective. I think I’m finally comfortable with the fact of being submissive to a man after comprehending why being submissive in today’s fallen world has become unpleasant.

Are men actually losing their place in the society these days? Yes, they actually are and it irritates me to know that there just ain’t no explanation or solution to it. According to the original plan God made man, to dominate, and woman as his “other half” (notice that I have not stated anything in the line of ‘better half’ or ‘insignificant aid’), only to be submissive to the man. It is also clearly stated that both man as well as woman, equally represent the image of God in terms of his characteristics. If the man & woman were made to “SERVE’ the rest of the creation, love each other and SERVE & DEPEND on each other whilst the man naturally is ordered to take the lead (whilst taking the woman’s opinions in to consideration) where have we gone wrong today?

In today’s fallen world it’s either “His Lameness” who gets pushed around first by his mummy dearest and then his wifey pifey, a man who simply cannot make up his mind and take a decision on his own or “The Ultra Macho Male Chauvinist” who forcefully, brutally dominates anything and everything that crosses his path. The in-betweens who strike a balance between the two are quite a rare case. The two categories of women are either “Madam Dominaty” who attempts to dominate the entire universe or “The Lil Slave Girl” who stays victims and get harassed by the rest of the creation. Something is definitely radically outa place. The only unsatisfying explanation I can come up right now is that this too is a consequence of our fallen state :~

Last week Ted was lecturing about the absolute differences between male and female and how each of the species must learn to celebrate the uniqueness. Why has the world all the while been attempting to segregate and detach the two species from each other? Is this fallen state actually a state of confusion? Is it all man made? Looking deep in to every burning issue taking place around us, it is definitely not impossible for man to resolve it himself. This is just another one-tracked way to look at everything that has gone wrong in today's world. Wouldn’t most of our problems be solved if men and women learnt to respect each other? Wouldn’t men not go to war, if they only thought twice about how a woman would feel in the midst of turbulence? It hurts to see the man who was made to protect, now destroying all that there is. There probably would be no rape, incest, infidelity and everything nasty in that department, if only mankind knew the purpose they were made for.

We are made for him, for each other, one man for a woman (no man for man or vice versa) (“,)

Bought two books, whilst getting the other one free (yippy) to read up more on the stated issue.

Me? Obey? Him? – by Elizabeth Rice Hanford
Love Must Be Tough – by Dr. James Dobson
Who You Are When No One Is Looking – by Bill Hybels

Ma Sexy Likkle Strumming Bird

Finally got myself an acoustic guitar. I just couldn’t wait any more, too much of emotions were building up without an outlet to flush em, the work out’s and the rest of the activities were just not enough to keep me sane I guess. It’s been a tough couple of days with the house still under renovation, lectures, friends & family all keeping me ultra occupied.

Things that usually grab me unaware and leave me annoyed and tangled up have failed to do so these days. Either I’ve been too busy and exhausted that I didn’t have enough energy to notice them or my soul has grown cold and immune to the cruelty and unpleasantness around me, I don’t think I want to find out which one it is. The only incident I remember that drove me up the barbwire fence was a certain lady asking me if I was still schooling? Left school? Or whether I was looking for a job? PLEASE….I’m old enough to have 5 kids…grrrrrrrr…I’d give anything to look grown up, and may be I need a few lessons on how to act grown up as well.

The second semester just started at Bible College and am only taking two subjects this time around. I actually intended taking only one, which was “Genesis”, lectured by “Ivor Poobalan”, but then I see “Issues of Sexuality & Marriage”, by “Ted Rubesh”. How can I ever miss a subject like that, after all each subject is repeated only ones in 2 years. I guess it’s about the biblical view about the whole scenario, which I sure want to clarify.

I do miss loafing the roads of Colombo and the easy access I had (atleast during the weekends) from Wattala. It does get a little lonely sometimes, and the telephone doesn’t really seem to work miracles. So instead of adopting a man, I decided to adopt a slithery & sexy guitar, bright, red and shiny. Wohoooo !!! I’m exhausted by figuring out the chords and trying to break the strings, but happy that I finally got to touching and feeling a strumming bird of my own. It’s definitely gonna take awhile to be playing like a mediocre, let alone a pro and surely gonna take a heap of practicing, time and energy, but I’m gonna love every second of it. I simply can’t seem to keep it down, unlike the Piano that got me utterly disgusted. Ruban gave me the first few lessons on the strings over the phone of course and Chamath gave me the rest, again over the phone. Apparently the guitar is supposed to be terribly out of tune, no wonder everything I play sounds crooked. The piece of wood is just lovely and the strings, HEAVENLY!

First day at Panadura

It’s 5 in the morning and I haven’t had any sleep since 3 a.m, whether it is due to the gripping fear of some creature trying to strangle me dead or due to the sheer excitement this place had offered me, I’m yet to figure out. I wasn’t speaking of em imaginary creatures and monsters who hide inside closets, but real living breathing, fluttery, gooey, icky, soggy, long legged, colourfully ugly creatures.

Started with a ‘pol kuruminiya’ (that’s what my uncle called it) inside my blouse in the morning and ended with a scary looking grasshopper sitting right on top of my bed-sheet and glaring down at me, a if I was some sorta God sent yummy dish for him to devour on. Did I forget to mention about the big fat ‘thalagoya’ in the garden?

It is 5.50 a.m and it suddenly got bright outside, I’m opening the window even as I am typing this and all I see is green, all I hear is the chirping of em feathered ones (they actually start chirping as early as 4 a.m) and feel a lovely cool breeze attempting to break in to my room. The rest of the household is fast asleep and even thought there lingers a sense of loneliness somewhere in my soul it’s overtaken by a strong essence of peace I have never felt before.

Boxes and boxes of things are yet to be unpacked and everything is waiting to be placed in order, the painting and polishing is half done, but the world looks beautiful amidst all of this. The war is going on in Sri Lanka for a reason I don’t understand, me being an individual from the minority, was warned about wanting to settle down in Panadura, due to the fact it being surrounded by the majority, but I adore all these people and they love us back without a doubt. I really do love these people here. Warm hearts, open doors and smiling faces, what more can I ask for? Amidst all that is going on in the country, the world still looks beautiful to me. Em ugly blotches ruining the beautiful creation no longer annoy me.

The guy who has undertaken the painting, as well as his crew are believers who start the day with a hymn and prayer. Lovely ! A carpenter lives right opposite my premises. A vehicle mechanic is a buzz away, a superb welder lives a few houses away, an electrician a lane away and things are much cheaper here (a broom is Rs. 50/- here while it’s a freaking Rs.85/- in Colombo). I’m yet to figure out the rest of em humble luxuries waiting for me.

I saw a mummy monkey with a baby monkey in the garden today. (Yippy, I finally saw a monkey) ! But on the sad note, Johnny is lost, he has gone on a lil exploring trip and I only hope he’ll find his way back. Silly Dog !

Adieu My Childhood Hometown

Shifted off from Wattala to Panadura (FOR GOOD) on Saturday (29th). It was almost close to midnight when we got our bums down here after bidding em old neigbours good-bye. Aunty ‘T’ hugged me and cried, which came as quite a shock. She happens to be the lady to whom I give a lift every morning (for the past 1 ½ years). She is a tough ‘recovery officer’ at a leading bank and has ample exciting stories to entertain us. Sometimes, it’s a story that continues for a coupla days, of wonky clients and bureaucratic, lethargic colleagues. I was quite moved by her reaction, I never expected to mean so much to someone.

‘L’ came along and was spending the last few minutes chatting away, but it meant nothing to me now. No…’L’ ain’t a guy (grin), she’s just my childhood best friend and immediate neighbour. I guess we’ve lost touch in the midst of getting lost in the rat race. It was no use speaking about the good times we had, the games we played till midnight, the years we had lost and how fast we’ve all grown up. True, ‘Kattiyawatta’ was where I grew up, but somewhere down the line, I had lost the warmth I felt for the place (or may be I never felt any warmth at all, due to all the horrible memories the place carries). Em neighbours are nice & thoughtful, really…they loaded us with food and drinks before we set out, they have been there for us for the past 19 years, but there is something missing. Something I expect ain’t there and I don’t know what it is for sure (so let me withhold my judgment).

Zebu died Friday night and even though it would be wrong to reason out why the healthy dog just faded away, I believe he was sent to us for a reason beyond our comprehension. So it was only Johnny for the car ride, this being his first time, he was going bananas. A few minutes on daddy’s lap, and then a trip to the backseat to be on mummy’s lap and then back to the front again, an attempted leap outa the windscreen and an attempted leap outa the shutter. He was nothing short of a mess; he would suddenly creep through dad’s lanky feet and start licking my legs, which were busy driving (which was quite a dangerous, pleasant surprise).

The ‘Panadura – Horana’ road ain’t the rosiest path, but the drive was all worth it. The house looked gorgeous at night (Yeah, this is the first time I’ve laid eyes on it at night). All I had the strength to do was, eat and sleep, of course with my dirty clothes.

I’m loving the weather, controlled by all the trees surrounding this area. The nights aren’t too hot and fan is just an option. The afternoons are warm these days, but pleasantly warm, not to a boiling point.

Overall, I’m thrilled to glory with this place (even though it ain’t blessed with ADSL) and all thanks and praises be to God ! What would I be without HIM ?!?

The following was the devotion for the day in the ODB yesterday.

à I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me out of a horrible pit (Psalms 40 : 1-2)

From sinking sad He lifted me,
With tender hands He lifted me,
From shades of night to plains of light,
O praise His name, He lifted me !

A Taste of Death

Heat Exhaustion has gripped me again. It’s a miracle that I’m up and pumping this morning, for last night was surely a taste of my last few minutes on earth. My breathing pipes were acting wonky and I was clearly short of breath. I could feel my body getting overheated from the inside and my head turning a good 360 degrees ones every few seconds. I so don’t want to see the day we might have to carry oxygen masks along with every trip we make to Colombo.

Panadura is glorious by far. Fruits, trees, birds and squirrels scampering up and down and yes, monkeys as well. Apparently there are monkeys who come to devour em fruits, but I’m yet to catch a glimpse of them. Heavenly! It’s the drive to Colombo and back that get’s me, but I’m sure God has a solution at the tip of his fingers for that as well.

Speaking of God, my entire family has been seeing God’s hand at work more than just a couple of times this month. He started with the sale of the house before the contract got breached and before we looked to alternatives. As usual, He was right on TIME.

The next massive miracle happened last Saturday on our way back from Panadura, down Torrington, while heading to drop aunty Pansy. A plush, cute convertible (and odd navy blue in colour) which was clearly out of control (should have been doing 100+ for sure) was heading straight towards me from the opposite direction. I swerved it to the far left, but it was of no use, but in that split second the car missed me and with a loud clank of metal, stalled right in the middle of the road. I wasn’t in the right mind to get down and scream at the dude, but I think he was quite young (if I remember right, there was a female in the passenger seat), I wasn’t sane enough to jot down the number, or check out the brand of the car. I went on my way, while he pulled to a lane close by. But if someone knows the owner of such car, I’d like to have a chat with him. I’d like to know what happened, I’d like to know why the car stalled, coz I know that it wasn’t the guy who was responsible for the narrow escape. Something unexplainable happened.

The third biggy happened last night. Mummy had left some beef to be roasted on the fire and apparently the whole house had fallen asleep. For some odd reason, my cupboard door creaked open and I woke up to the sound of it. It was freaky to see the door open at first, but what caught my attention was the roasting/burning smell of some sort of meat. Boy ! wasn’t I correct, the chunk of meat would have caused a disaster (to remember) if gone unnoticed, He had woken me up not too early and not too late.

What would I do without Him? All I do is sit and commit my day to him every morning and the day is HIS. The distance sometimes hurts that I wish I could see Him face to face and tell him how grateful I am for all that He is.

I’m still waiting for the next piece of the puzzle to be handed down to me, coz I have quite certainly come to a dual fork in my life. He is taking his time, but as usual I know that He’d be on time and meanwhile I’m doing a better job at keeping my heart still that in previous occasions. Practice has made me better, if not perfect.

--> Lord, How I love you! For you have done such tremendous things for me. The Lord is my Fort where I can enter and be safe; no one can follow me in and slay me. He is a rugged mountain where I hide; he is my Saviour, a rock where none can reach me, and a tower of safety. He is my shield. He is like the strong horn of a mighty fighting bull. All I need to do is cry to him “Oh, praise the Lord” and I am saved from all my enemies! (Psalms 18 : 1-3)

Hypothetical Femininity

Went for an interview today at a leading college as a ‘student counselor’. The atmosphere looked tolerable as well as flexible and I don’t mind the job. I think it’s the best thing to do till the next semester starts in September. The biz will take off a smooth sailing from the beginning of next month and I would be left with too much time in my hands and as the saying goes ‘an idle mind could just be the devil’s workshop. I’m impatiently waiting till God’s plan falls in to place. Let’s see where this is all leading !

Shopped with Mummy in order to make some last minute visits before we leave this area for good. I was admiring the way Mums was shopping like a typical woman. Check out something, twist it, turn it, compare the price, the quality, the material, getting my opinion (blab ….blab) at the same time I saw plenty girls shopping to glory with their cute lil manipulated boyfriends in the very similar manner. I can’t figure out whether I am saddened or amused by the fact that I could never do something feminine like that and on my drive back home I couldn’t help replaying every single incident that happened around me during the shopping experience. I couldn’t help trying to comprehend whether the problem was I, the people outside or whether I should just be blaming it all on diversity of interests and the uniqueness of God’s creation…hmmm ?!?

I rarely shop for clothes in Sri Lanka; neither do I shop anywhere else. Even if I do, it’d be once in a blue moon (last time it was after 2 freaking years). Of course it’s different with food, silver spanking jewelry, movies and books and yes, I can tolerate shoes to a certain extent as well. Either I get stuff from people here, or wait till my dear aunty darling decides to get her butt down to SL with my cousin’s clothes, which look nearly new, though old. It’s crazy, but em clothes just cannot be compared to the rubbish that’s on display in the local stores. The pity is that all of em highly durable and branded clothing are the sweat, blood and tears of our dear Sri Lankans.

[Deprived We Are] !

I remember walking in to the store and getting all geed up by the battery operated / radio controlled cars and receiving blistering barnacles from Mums. Then I took a walk around to check out if there was anything that caught my eye. I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew exactly what my taste was and since nothing existed to that note, it was the end of the road for me [done with, lost interest & bored]. Instead, I got observing em young women, and may be even envying em to a certain extent. They looked so elegant compared to me slinging my bag of goodies on me shoulder and trotting back and forth the store.

I’ve always enjoyed being a girl and doing girly things like hanging on the phone, paining my nails and shopping for hours, but em habits just faded away with time, I don’t engage in either anymore. I’m still very much a girl, I love to mess around in the kitchen, design my own clothes, pottery, interior designing and a little bit of sewing, but just cannot get on with the rest of the women I encounter (It could be vice versa). Make up, prim & properness and the flirty feminine shrills are intolerable.

[Pathetic Whiner I Am ] !

I guess I even tried to wear an imaginary mask sometime back, just to fit in with this particular group of women, but guess it didn’t work for me. Just as much as I desire to have a like-minded girly buddy, guess I’ll forever be deprived of my wish by the looks of it. Running a reality check most guys are no better, they are either puny & metro sexual or male chauvinists.

[Women] !

Just as much as I am more than happy with the tomboy I am, there are times I wonder whether it is the supposed feminine grace I lack or just some sorta emotional maturity that I have attained at an early stage.

On an ending note, the blog suddenly feels like a very unsafe place to jot down thoughts. My worst fears seem to have some true (shudder….shudder) it could be that he has access to the blog.

When You Don’t Stand for Anything, You Fall for Anything

It’s still very early in the morning and I should be at my devotions intead of rut-trutting on the keyboard, but feelings have to be typed out and preserved before the mood changes and I don’t sound like what I write.

I dropped in at Karin Ramachandra’s beautiful residence yesterday to collect the books I had given her as well as to get an opinion about them and amazing I had the honour of meeting Dr. Vinoth Ramachandra. I’m half way through his book and am left quite impressed and respect both of these individuals just as much as I do my Mentor. My knees were clearly wobbling jellybeans and my self-confidence quite ripped down while I was in their presence. I was thrilled to hear what Karin had to say and a gazillion more times thrilled to have met Dr. Vinoth. She makes it sound so easy to absorb the world, people and all the nonsense we keep banning “BAD”.

One can decide to either plan his life or not plan at all and go with the flow. Planning involves building ones own worldview to stand upon, in order to stand strong and solid without wavering. I remember Jaci saying this yesterday… makes sense huh?

“When you don’t stand for anything, you fall for anything”

Building this so called worldview isn’t an easy thing and I’m still in the process of unlearning quite a lot of my old thinking whilst absorbing the new. Even though some of my Mentor’s Brown’s and Greenwald’s explanations are very true, some don’t really bring about the freedom I am looking for. There is a certain amount of rigidity involved, which isolates the individual from his own community. I want to strike a balance instead and see the world in a different way. I want to keep remembering that this world was made for me to enjoy and devour and stop feeling like a victim. I want to stop seeing others as victims I need to make a pounce on and redeem before the system abducts them. There again, I guess I’m yet struggling to break the system (would I ever be happy without rebelling).

Got a long day ahead and a wonky car to be serviced. My mind is already not appreciating the fell of the cold garage I’d have to put up with for a good 4 hours.

Empty

I was initially planning on blogging about the Paganism of Easter, but then decided not. All controversially religious topics shall be posted at http://worldviewofgobblezy.wordpress.com from now on.

I’ll be back to driving my folks around from tomorrow. Arrghh!. How I hate driving. The holidays just flew with all the packing and organizing involved, but wasn’t too impressed with my productivity. I dread to think about all the running around I’d have to do from the 21st whilst renovating the house and shifting and I’d only be able to survive through it with an extra dose of Grace granted by my Master. What would I be without him?

Everybody keeps asking about as to how I’m going to maintain my social life after shifting off to the village? Yes, it is going to be messy for a while, but I believe short term sacrifices need to be made in order to achieve lucrative long-term goals. It never struck me till a friend invited me for a concert, which falls on a date after I shift. My first thought was “Ouch! What have I got my self in to”, forgetting the fact that this was God’s leading all along. He brought me to it and he will bring me through it. I’m just half way through the plan he unveiled an year back and I’m impatiently waiting till the next few pieces of the puzzle are placed NEATLY in my hands.

Now that the end of my stay at Wattala is drawing neigh, I’m swept by a sense of emptiness and insecurity, not because I’m unsure of Gods plans in my life, but to leave the comfort zone, the place I had grown up all my life. I’d be dropping in at the YA meeting tomorrow for the last time to say adieu to Jacintha, Jennifer & Uncle Brie (Me think that’s his name, at least it sounds like it) and it's sure gonna break my heart. I’m already wishing I spent more time with them. I don’t want to be regretting and wishing all my life, so may be this change is much needed for the business as well as for Judy Girl.

I found my self frantically downloading all the tracks I could think of, coz apparently Panadura doesn’t have ADSL as yet. (I’m almost in tears).

As for the dogs, we decided to keep “Choo Choo Boo” for good and of course change that kinky name of hers. After hours of trying to decide on a name that sounds decent and easy to pronounce whilst sounding similar to her old name we settled for “Zebu”(French), which means humped ox of Asia & Africa. For some hilarious reason the name seems to suit her quite well.

It has been quite a whiney & empty week; hope the sun shines brighter than ever tomorrow to make me smile.

But I woke up in the morning, sexy, yawning
Feel like it's gonna be a good day
No war on the street, no way, today
Everybody kick back like a holiday, aight.
You shine, I shine and
The whole world looking like a gold mine
You get yours and I'll get mine
And we'll help each other make it through the bad times
(Rebel Music – by Wyclef Jean)

Of Lil Things That Fill My Soul

I’ve finally got a well-deserved break from driving for the next four days, till Monday. Yesterday was just crazy with the scorching sun, funerals & coffee meet ups.

Met Mano Emmanuel, who is my lecturer at CTS, for the last time before she made her way to UK for a coupla months. I’m glad I was able to make it coz I don’t know if I would be here when she returns. I don’t think I took more than 4 classes under her (4 days to be precise), but the impact she had on me when I was yet a crawling Christian was just immense. I truly consider my self lucky to have had the opportunity to spend some extra time with her away from the regular classes.

Just watching her has made me absorb more than I could have scooped out of a book, that I just can’t put any of them in to words. I wish there were more women like her and a part of me wants to possess some of the qualities she reflect. She is definitely some one who would go straight in to the list of people I respect. She really didn’t have to, but she had actually kept in mind me mentioning the need of a bible for a lil boy I knew, and bought a bible to be given to me, as well as another awesome book by the name “The Jesus I Never Knew – by Philip Yancey” and a stunning pair of dangly jewelry, exactly according to my taste. I was awestruck, not about the gift, but more about the thought.

There are some who walk in to your life, create a huge bang and leave you empty, but then again, there are others, who subtly win your respect and leave you filled up to the extent that you overflow. I only wish she would remain my mentor and my friend for longer than usual friendships blossom and fade.

I’m awestruck by quite a couple of people these few days, that some have actually made me walk around wearing a silly smug that I just cannot contain.

Pissed @ Sugar Coated Bullet Shooters

I write this in tears, with hurt, with bitterness and a lot more negative traits than one can ever imagine.

I’m confused as to how good, generous, kind and reachable a person can be. I sure faced fewer problems when I wore the Satanic IMAGE. But this ain’t an image, not another surreal transformation and I can’t go against it, but the people around me keep angering me to a point that I cannot silently, politely bear it all. Most of them who try to take advantage of the kindness are hardcore-so-called-Christians, and one is a Zoroastrian and another a so-called-righteous-Muslim. I have no problem with religion, cast and creed, but why I stated the differences was to make my point clear about all of us being in a fallen world, driven by avarice and the force spares none, not even the saved Christians, unless they really decide to break away. We are all prone to temptation; none is holier than the other (this includes myself)

I’d like to reveal four incidents that got me extremely depressed about our human nature, but something surely is stopping me from doing so).

I am not a saint myself, but just a teeny tiny blob in this universe who believes that He died to set me/us free.

Arrghh! The world is fallen beyond repair, I wish He Comes and Restores it before it is too late !

Conclusion :

(1) Don’t judge a book by its cover
(2) There is no smoke without a fire.
(3) Judging is not ours, but being cautious is.
(4) It’s ok to be paranoid (now go check that door lock for the 100th time)
(5) You can’t love your neighbor exactly like yourself, at least not in this era.
(6) It is O.K to be selfish in order to avoid unwanted issues…Flee…Run…HIDE !
(7) Do not listen to man (a good number of them are insane); listen to God, for there is no solution man can give you, for your ugly fallen state.
(8) You cannot be too nice to anyone, if you do, they’d rape you, mug you and eventually kill you.
(9) I will NOT multiply. Cute as em imps are I want NONE (I wouldn’t even let my dog lit a puppy in to this fallen system) !

I am angry, very angry, but am quite aware of all that I type right now. I have absolutely no regrets about what I have stated.

Note : Errm….em So-Called-Christians who are waiting to find fault would point out; that anger is not from the Lord (If so…. say it again…LOUD & CLEAR), coz anger is quite surely another emotion and a blessing by our maker. Jesus himself felt anger and so did his disciples. It is merely an outlet to flush the frustrations that enter us of the fallen world.

--> Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over - (P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.)

--> Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - (Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar for 1894)

--> They are not all saints who use holy water - (English Proverb)

--> A great deal of what passes for current Christianity consists in denouncing other people's vices and faults - (Henry H. Williams)

Balu(Dog) War !

Jeffry & his wife came along and left one of their four dogs ‘Choo Choo Boo’ with us for a week, till next Saturday. We thought that the dog we already had, ‘Johnny’ would appreciate the company of a female dog (biatch), but alas, it didn’t seem so initially. We chained both the mongrels and slowly let them get to know each other. Tame as ‘Choo Choo Boo’ (CCB) is, he was all out to be buddies with mine, but the savage, possessive and ultra hyper ‘Johnny Boy’ just didn’t seem to hear of it. He first sniffed at the new playmate, and did the doggy dog thing and then pounced at poor frightened CCB. Dang ! There vanished all hopes of having the new dog over.

Spoke to a couple of people whether they’d like to help us out with looking after the fellow, to which Shyam finally agreed. Big relief! But thought we’d give CCB and Johnny one more chance before we gave CCB away to Shyam. So there Mummy was holding the chained ‘CCB’ who is all calm, scared & whiny and Daddy with the frowning, boisterous & jumpy Johnny.

Long spans of sniffing and quite a number of spit baths after, the two are finally buddies. Peace is finally dawned at the Kanagaratnam habitat. Phew! My Dog’s got a fiancé after 9 long years of waiting and trying to snatch the biatches on the road (who already belonged to some other mongrel). I hope they’d be playmates in the future than humping mates, coz all I saw ‘Johnny’ do was hump her and she shake him off.

Looks like Mummy is already contemplating on whether or not to keep the furry female with us for good. Does this call for horrible nightmares or a sweet site of some juicy animal romance? Only heaven knows.

Observations a coupla hours after : ‘Chooo Choo Boo’ seems to be having ticks and pregnant. Might not keep her after all. 'Johnny' deserves a fresh yummy lady, not an impregnated, infested, snob.

(Did I just feel a tick run across my back)…Yuck Yuck !!

He Still Haunts My World

Finally got my hands on ‘Broke Back Mountain’ & ‘Munich’. I’m yet to watch it though. What does my eyes fixate on at the movie store? A guy who’s a replica of ‘My Munkey’. He was as white and lean with the same gelled up stiff hair, but taller. That pale look on his face took me by surprise and knocked me off my senses. That was the end of the bright and sunny day…..

That wasn’t the only thing that put an end to my sunny day; my dinky toy let me down for the first time. It got stuck a few metres away from home, with a weak battery. Experienced the “Thallu Start” system for the first time as well. No! It ain’t a nice feeling to be stuck. Even though there was plenty of help, it still brings about a very creepy, isolated feeling. I still strongly believe that they should allow horse or bullock carts on the road again.

Heat Strokes

The heat is killing me, slowly, but surely steadily. I suffered quite a number of heat strokes yesterday and falling asleep (even with the fan on in full swing) was another torment by itself.

I detest the urban areas, I really do. I saw a minor accident yesterday. A van overtook from the left and hit a motorbike, which threw the passenger off the bike like a blob. It was then that it occurred to me that we are mere vegetables, nothing but lumps of cartilages. But the scary part is, we clumps of blobs are on an adventure to take on the earth (smirk).

I wish there were lesser vehicles, more trees. I wish Colombo were like it was 50 years back. No, I ain’t against the technological advances, all of them can still happen whilst preserving lovely nature. Where did we go wrong, at what point did we fail to notice and are some of us still blinded of the tragedy about to befall the nation (I say nation, coz I have no right to speak about global issues or I’d rather not make it my business coz I am more concerned about my country, the soil where I was born).

I wish we could go back to living in mud huts, ride bullock carts and get away from this rat race. It’s been almost a year since I’ve tried to break away, but not a chance, every body around me expects me to be a rat in the race, everybody around me keep dragging me forward every time I stop to take a break. One more year, they like or not, I will break away. I will stop running this race, the never-ending race of avarice, the need to own more, the latest, the best, and the flashiest. Arghhhhhhh! When will it ever end?

Environmentalists never made any sense to me before. I thought they were a bunch of jobless extremists who only cared about preserving nature, but boy! Weren’t they right all along? I fear to think what would become of us within the next decade. How long will we have the comforts of electricity, and fuel? Oh sure we have alternatives, but how long will they too survive? Have we exploited these God given gifts too fast too soon?

Just as much as I wanted to see an economic boom in Sri Lanka a few months back, I now believe the best leader is chosen to strengthen the agricultural sector. We don’t see it coming now; a scarcity of edibles will overtake us like a thief in the night. We may have the dough but have no food to eat, all the rivers will be soiled that we will be left with no clean fluids to lubricate us blobs.

I don’t now how, but I wish some one broke this system down, other than a power hungry political party of course. I wish our leaders as well as the citizens had genuine love for our country. The past few days, I’ve seen plenty posters carrying the slogan “Ape Kama” (My Tush)!. Why don’t we start up by cleaning up the garbage we scatter across the streets, why don’t we start by planting a tree in our premises? I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s not about the amount of trees we cut to make furniture, but the amount of trees we plant in return.

Never thought a simple heat stroke would get my mind this messed up !

Renovating the Cottage

The Wattala residence was finally sold yesterday, Praise be to my Master! We are officially homeless till we complete the buy at Panadura, so guess we’d be here for another 3 weeks, the most.

The thought of leaving itself has left me quite high, even though it has left the rest of the family in a grumpy mood. I never liked this house actually I hate it. I really, really do, may be even more than I hate my vegetables.

Finally decided on the colours to dress the cottage in Panadura, but still contemplating on whether or not to tile it. Went tile hunting today and boy! Didn’t it get my head spinning?

Naveen Ceramics – Customer service is unheard of here and prices are the same as any other major tile importer.

Rocell (a.k.a Royal Ceramics) – Daddy seems to be quite taken back by their quality, but as for me, I am totally knocked out by their price. They are thrice as much as the imported tiles. Sri Lankan product of a high quality at unaffordable prices as usual

Y2K Ceramics – Superb customer service, but the prices aren’t any lower than the rest of the importers and not too much of a selection.

Terracotta – Even though this is my personal favourite out of the list of preferences it’s the same price as the ceramic tile, more fragile and needs more maintenance. My folks seem to be totally against it.

Overall, tiles are too freaking expensive, I think I’ll probably go ahead with an alternative.

I got to wait till I build my own house to get it my way. Kabok boundary, rugged walls and granite floor and curtains made outa gunny. May be I’m exaggerating a wee bit, but this is exactly what’s on my mind. Any attempts to implement them right now would definitely leave me homeless.

I couldn’t help noticing a house down Horton Place, a few yards before Barista. Simple as it is from the outside, the house that was once white is now painted “samara”. It looks just amazing, but the walls have been tainted by a bright purple, which takes away the rugged, earthy look of the entire house. Arrghhh….I hate ultra clashing colour combination. Sure I’m no expert, but guess I like it that way.

Just as much as renovating or building a house is tiring, it sure has the ability to give the owner a sense of SATISFACTION and leave her with a BUZZ. I’m loving it, just as much as I’m hating it.

Other than that, I got my hands on two must read books today :

"Gods That Fail – by Vinoth Ramachandra"
His wife, Karin, who is my lecturer, recommended this book at the last weeks lecture. I’m still to grasp the book, but reading a few pages from all over the book, I just can’t wait to claw it down.

"It’s About Time - by Ken Smith"
Came across this book by accident, but I am loving every word in it. It is more like a self-help book, which is a must read for every Christian. It helps one think rationally about how to strike a balance in the day-to-day life, how to handle procrastination (I sure have a PhD in it), anxiety and over commitment. I believe I found this book at the correct time to rearrange my ultra messed up schedule.

Do We Practice What We Preach ?!?

Feel the rain on your skin, No one else can feel it for you, Only you can let it in, No one else, no one else, Can speak the words on your lips, Drench yourself in words unspoken, Live your life with arms wide open, Today is where your book begins, The rest is still unwritten.
-(Unwritten – Natasha Bedinfield)-

Can’t find the answers, I’ve been crawling on my knees, Looking for anything, To keep me from drowning. Promises have been turned to lies, Can’t even be honest inside, Now I’m running backward, Watching my life wave me goodbye.
-(Running Blind – Godsmack)-

Two contradicting tracks by two artists who are worlds apart. One, absolutely bright and sunny and the other pointing directions at the dingy, dark alleys. The first one gave me hope whilst the second tore them apart. I guess it’s all about seeing the glass half empty or half full.

Yesterday was the last class on “Christian Worldview” with Karin Ramachandra. I gave her the books written by Rebecca Brown, coz I wanted to hear her opinion on the confusing content. The books state a very rigid way of looking at God’s entire creation & I ain’t liking it. Yesterday’s class made quite a massive impact on me; coz the discussion was about “relationships with the non-believers and the outside world”.

It sure wasn’t a pretty discussion, coz I was being convicted every few seconds about my past behavior towards people who didn’t share the same worldview. I’m more than convinced that just as much as it is my business to tell my loved ones about what I’ve found, I have no right to shove anything down their throat, even through pure love, but I so wish and wish they’d see the truth, before it is too late.

During the discussion, I sorted a few arguments that were tormenting my mind for days.....

(1) Just as much as Christians are uncomfortable participating in religious ceremonies held by non-believers, even marriage ceremonies, how come we insist all the guest to participate the ceremony held at church, followed by a sermon/mass to solemnize a Christian marriage. We Christians sure act selfish most of the time and that’s a fact. It’s all about us and our feelings.

What got me thinking in these lines was nothing more than a Hindu wedding I was forced to attend on Friday. I was feeling a lil awkward to make it for the wedding at all, but since I had no choice (former neighbours) I reluctantly tagged along with my family. I was relived to find out that the wedding wasn’t held in a temple after all, but in a hall. The rituals followed were fascinating to watch, even though they seemed over-rated. I got talking with Mum about what was running through my mind and oh boy! Didn’t she get a shock, coz she’s the type of person who’d think about what others would think and think twice before breaking the traditions.

But it was sure a relief to hear Karin agree with what I stated. We could make alterations according to our convictions after all.

(2) The worldview of most of the churches are quite flawed and they have no right to tie me or anyone else down to a certain denomination. Just as much as I respect the traditional churches I don’t agree with most of the stuff they do. It’s hard for me to agree, even if I try. I hate the whole concept of a rigid mass/service chanted for an hour like some sorta mantra. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I also hate the whole idea of Christian’s being split in to different denominations and churches. I for a fact don’t wanna belong to any of these. It’s a pity that most mature Christian’s still stick like glue to the man made law/rule that every Christian must belong to some sorta denomination.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : So Judy girl, which church do you belong to?

Moi : I’m non denominational.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : Ah? What are you saying? How come? No..no..no..you must belong to some sorta denomination, or how come you're doing the course at CTS?

Moi : Errmm… Alright, I go to 'Four Square Church', and I go to 'AOG' and I go every where else (grin grin. Smirk)

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : You must eventually belong to a church, you MUST !

I don’t really see the point of doing so, I believe I have the right to walk in to any church any day and praise God with the rest of the people, share their joy (& sorrow of course). What is behind the whole man made concept of BELONGING to a certain church or denomination? “Are they greedy for our “tithe”? (I wonder)

The latter day churches are counting the number of people turning up just like a farmer would count his eggs. This is saddening! They do not love the congregation with all their heart; most are money and power hungry. This is the truth and I don’t fear to speak it.

We are just as flawed & tainted, twisted are our minds and dirty are our hearts. We claim to believe the truth but refuse to live it.

It scares me to know that I’ve been living with a flawed worldview for the past one year. If only the church taught me about the love of God and the Joy I would receive through the Holy Spirit, the beauty of the Creator as well as the Creation and about the Hope I could hold on to, I wouldn’t have made half the mistakes I made in my past.

Sadly The Catholic Church I attended till I was 14 and the Charismatic Church I attended for the past one year has failed to teach me so. So have they failed to teach the same to my parents and their generation and the previous. They are incarnated with rigid, false ideas that don’t help the act of love, joy and peace at all times. They have not been taught to put God First in their lives.

I remember all the stories about Abraham, Jacob and the gang, but not once did any one of them in authority teach me “Who I was”?, “What my Purpose was”? and “Where I was going”?.

I’m angered, even though I shouldn’t be. I wish I were of some authority to change the way the churches thought, the way they projected themselves, the way they loved and behaved. They got so much to offer and I am thankful for what ever I have learnt from them, but at the same time I am disappointed and saddened by the fact that they refuse to live out the truth.

Me think me am gonna make an attempt to live it out even if it means, getting my name tarnished and daggered down :

A Strange Desire

A strange desire is born, or implanted rather, by my Maker. A desire I have detested and run away from all these years. A desire to step out of the country for a while. I applied to a college online, in the same county as where my aunt lives. I actually applied with no expectation of a reply, but what do I see sitting in my in-box today? A mail from the college! I don’t know what I should be expecting or what next I oughta be doing other than going with the flow, but I’m completely at peace with my self, which is an assurance that em heavenly hands are at work. This is sure an answer to my pleas of one whole year and I never even asked for anything in this line. I hate to leave the country other than on a holiday. I just can’t handle it for more than a week. I wonder how it will go, coz it will probably be for about 6 months – 1 year. I only hope it wouldn’t be more coz even this sounds terribly unbearable.

P - Pray
U - Until
S - Something
H – Happens

The above makes a lot more sense to me now.

--> Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. (Jeremiah 33 :3)

Sour Grapes

I’m just coming out of another blanked-out season of hibernation. Was juggling with driving people around, splitting my attention on a coupla books whilst trying to compile some bizarre worldviews tormenting my mind. Em bizarre thoughts always look good on paper whilst miraculously relieving my mind. (I am yet to understand the mechanism of this therapy).

Things are falling in to place in a miraculous way. I’m glad that I waited upon my Master than attempt to screw things up with my puny human intelligence. Intelligence and human ways are sweet, but when things are just beyond me and I just can’t think straight, It’s always nice to hand over the steering to my Father in heaven, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. And yes, I can’t think straight coz my hyperactivity has definitely got the better of me and thrown me absolutely outa focus. It really does scare me coz I know for a fact that my mind, body and soul aren’t in connection with one another when so. I can’t seem to shake off the mist and bring it back to connectivity. I’m curious to know where this whole thing is leading, since every day is a new adventure with my Captain. His playfulness is unfathomable most of the time. It just cracks me.

He caught my eye the first day I walked in to that place. He was everything I wanted, just everything I ever dreamed of. The fact that there actually is a possibility for em feelings to be mutual just knocks me off myself. Why am I kicking myself hard and trying to resist these feelings I feel? He’s already got a girly in his arms. SOUR GRAPES !!! Sigh…

I nudged God with the age old prayer of “Father, why did you have to send this dude now, and why with a woman…arrghhh…help me focus coz I know I can’t have him. Numb these feelings I feel for him and keep me far away from him” It worked fine for a coupla of weeks, but they are back again, it’s impossible to ignore em. It’s crazy coz as usual it is just a mere fascination and nothing beyond that. I want his attention whilst at the same time don’t want him. I know it’s selfish, but that’s the truth. All in all It’s nice to know that I am still capable of at least fascinating somebody, I know that my feelings aren’t dead.

Me took a tickle test for the hang of it a coupla days back.......

Quiz - ”What’s your type?” [My TUSH !]
Result - Forget Mr. Average! You go for the artistic type!

Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique man who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words, music, or attire. You're attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms. He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his "inner self". You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this man knows how to make you feel special. He's in touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!

This man sounds too perfect to exist. Artists have always managed to captivate me. An artist in my mind isn’t just a painter or anything in that line. It could very well be a con artist, writer, poet, musician, interior designer, architect, a jungle John…etc. Fascinating as they are, their mood swings and the fact that they like to secure their space freaks me out. They could knock you off your feet and at the same time make you feel miserable to the extent of putting you through a suicidal bout. I am enjoying my space too much to let any frog take a leap at it.

Apart from the usual muddle, I’m all thrilled about shifting to Panadura and redecorating the cottage. If there is anyone who has a sharp eye for colour and want to share their expertise, I’m open to hear out em opinions.