Hypothetical Femininity

Went for an interview today at a leading college as a ‘student counselor’. The atmosphere looked tolerable as well as flexible and I don’t mind the job. I think it’s the best thing to do till the next semester starts in September. The biz will take off a smooth sailing from the beginning of next month and I would be left with too much time in my hands and as the saying goes ‘an idle mind could just be the devil’s workshop. I’m impatiently waiting till God’s plan falls in to place. Let’s see where this is all leading !

Shopped with Mummy in order to make some last minute visits before we leave this area for good. I was admiring the way Mums was shopping like a typical woman. Check out something, twist it, turn it, compare the price, the quality, the material, getting my opinion (blab ….blab) at the same time I saw plenty girls shopping to glory with their cute lil manipulated boyfriends in the very similar manner. I can’t figure out whether I am saddened or amused by the fact that I could never do something feminine like that and on my drive back home I couldn’t help replaying every single incident that happened around me during the shopping experience. I couldn’t help trying to comprehend whether the problem was I, the people outside or whether I should just be blaming it all on diversity of interests and the uniqueness of God’s creation…hmmm ?!?

I rarely shop for clothes in Sri Lanka; neither do I shop anywhere else. Even if I do, it’d be once in a blue moon (last time it was after 2 freaking years). Of course it’s different with food, silver spanking jewelry, movies and books and yes, I can tolerate shoes to a certain extent as well. Either I get stuff from people here, or wait till my dear aunty darling decides to get her butt down to SL with my cousin’s clothes, which look nearly new, though old. It’s crazy, but em clothes just cannot be compared to the rubbish that’s on display in the local stores. The pity is that all of em highly durable and branded clothing are the sweat, blood and tears of our dear Sri Lankans.

[Deprived We Are] !

I remember walking in to the store and getting all geed up by the battery operated / radio controlled cars and receiving blistering barnacles from Mums. Then I took a walk around to check out if there was anything that caught my eye. I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew exactly what my taste was and since nothing existed to that note, it was the end of the road for me [done with, lost interest & bored]. Instead, I got observing em young women, and may be even envying em to a certain extent. They looked so elegant compared to me slinging my bag of goodies on me shoulder and trotting back and forth the store.

I’ve always enjoyed being a girl and doing girly things like hanging on the phone, paining my nails and shopping for hours, but em habits just faded away with time, I don’t engage in either anymore. I’m still very much a girl, I love to mess around in the kitchen, design my own clothes, pottery, interior designing and a little bit of sewing, but just cannot get on with the rest of the women I encounter (It could be vice versa). Make up, prim & properness and the flirty feminine shrills are intolerable.

[Pathetic Whiner I Am ] !

I guess I even tried to wear an imaginary mask sometime back, just to fit in with this particular group of women, but guess it didn’t work for me. Just as much as I desire to have a like-minded girly buddy, guess I’ll forever be deprived of my wish by the looks of it. Running a reality check most guys are no better, they are either puny & metro sexual or male chauvinists.

[Women] !

Just as much as I am more than happy with the tomboy I am, there are times I wonder whether it is the supposed feminine grace I lack or just some sorta emotional maturity that I have attained at an early stage.

On an ending note, the blog suddenly feels like a very unsafe place to jot down thoughts. My worst fears seem to have some true (shudder….shudder) it could be that he has access to the blog.

When You Don’t Stand for Anything, You Fall for Anything

It’s still very early in the morning and I should be at my devotions intead of rut-trutting on the keyboard, but feelings have to be typed out and preserved before the mood changes and I don’t sound like what I write.

I dropped in at Karin Ramachandra’s beautiful residence yesterday to collect the books I had given her as well as to get an opinion about them and amazing I had the honour of meeting Dr. Vinoth Ramachandra. I’m half way through his book and am left quite impressed and respect both of these individuals just as much as I do my Mentor. My knees were clearly wobbling jellybeans and my self-confidence quite ripped down while I was in their presence. I was thrilled to hear what Karin had to say and a gazillion more times thrilled to have met Dr. Vinoth. She makes it sound so easy to absorb the world, people and all the nonsense we keep banning “BAD”.

One can decide to either plan his life or not plan at all and go with the flow. Planning involves building ones own worldview to stand upon, in order to stand strong and solid without wavering. I remember Jaci saying this yesterday… makes sense huh?

“When you don’t stand for anything, you fall for anything”

Building this so called worldview isn’t an easy thing and I’m still in the process of unlearning quite a lot of my old thinking whilst absorbing the new. Even though some of my Mentor’s Brown’s and Greenwald’s explanations are very true, some don’t really bring about the freedom I am looking for. There is a certain amount of rigidity involved, which isolates the individual from his own community. I want to strike a balance instead and see the world in a different way. I want to keep remembering that this world was made for me to enjoy and devour and stop feeling like a victim. I want to stop seeing others as victims I need to make a pounce on and redeem before the system abducts them. There again, I guess I’m yet struggling to break the system (would I ever be happy without rebelling).

Got a long day ahead and a wonky car to be serviced. My mind is already not appreciating the fell of the cold garage I’d have to put up with for a good 4 hours.

Empty

I was initially planning on blogging about the Paganism of Easter, but then decided not. All controversially religious topics shall be posted at http://worldviewofgobblezy.wordpress.com from now on.

I’ll be back to driving my folks around from tomorrow. Arrghh!. How I hate driving. The holidays just flew with all the packing and organizing involved, but wasn’t too impressed with my productivity. I dread to think about all the running around I’d have to do from the 21st whilst renovating the house and shifting and I’d only be able to survive through it with an extra dose of Grace granted by my Master. What would I be without him?

Everybody keeps asking about as to how I’m going to maintain my social life after shifting off to the village? Yes, it is going to be messy for a while, but I believe short term sacrifices need to be made in order to achieve lucrative long-term goals. It never struck me till a friend invited me for a concert, which falls on a date after I shift. My first thought was “Ouch! What have I got my self in to”, forgetting the fact that this was God’s leading all along. He brought me to it and he will bring me through it. I’m just half way through the plan he unveiled an year back and I’m impatiently waiting till the next few pieces of the puzzle are placed NEATLY in my hands.

Now that the end of my stay at Wattala is drawing neigh, I’m swept by a sense of emptiness and insecurity, not because I’m unsure of Gods plans in my life, but to leave the comfort zone, the place I had grown up all my life. I’d be dropping in at the YA meeting tomorrow for the last time to say adieu to Jacintha, Jennifer & Uncle Brie (Me think that’s his name, at least it sounds like it) and it's sure gonna break my heart. I’m already wishing I spent more time with them. I don’t want to be regretting and wishing all my life, so may be this change is much needed for the business as well as for Judy Girl.

I found my self frantically downloading all the tracks I could think of, coz apparently Panadura doesn’t have ADSL as yet. (I’m almost in tears).

As for the dogs, we decided to keep “Choo Choo Boo” for good and of course change that kinky name of hers. After hours of trying to decide on a name that sounds decent and easy to pronounce whilst sounding similar to her old name we settled for “Zebu”(French), which means humped ox of Asia & Africa. For some hilarious reason the name seems to suit her quite well.

It has been quite a whiney & empty week; hope the sun shines brighter than ever tomorrow to make me smile.

But I woke up in the morning, sexy, yawning
Feel like it's gonna be a good day
No war on the street, no way, today
Everybody kick back like a holiday, aight.
You shine, I shine and
The whole world looking like a gold mine
You get yours and I'll get mine
And we'll help each other make it through the bad times
(Rebel Music – by Wyclef Jean)

Of Lil Things That Fill My Soul

I’ve finally got a well-deserved break from driving for the next four days, till Monday. Yesterday was just crazy with the scorching sun, funerals & coffee meet ups.

Met Mano Emmanuel, who is my lecturer at CTS, for the last time before she made her way to UK for a coupla months. I’m glad I was able to make it coz I don’t know if I would be here when she returns. I don’t think I took more than 4 classes under her (4 days to be precise), but the impact she had on me when I was yet a crawling Christian was just immense. I truly consider my self lucky to have had the opportunity to spend some extra time with her away from the regular classes.

Just watching her has made me absorb more than I could have scooped out of a book, that I just can’t put any of them in to words. I wish there were more women like her and a part of me wants to possess some of the qualities she reflect. She is definitely some one who would go straight in to the list of people I respect. She really didn’t have to, but she had actually kept in mind me mentioning the need of a bible for a lil boy I knew, and bought a bible to be given to me, as well as another awesome book by the name “The Jesus I Never Knew – by Philip Yancey” and a stunning pair of dangly jewelry, exactly according to my taste. I was awestruck, not about the gift, but more about the thought.

There are some who walk in to your life, create a huge bang and leave you empty, but then again, there are others, who subtly win your respect and leave you filled up to the extent that you overflow. I only wish she would remain my mentor and my friend for longer than usual friendships blossom and fade.

I’m awestruck by quite a couple of people these few days, that some have actually made me walk around wearing a silly smug that I just cannot contain.

Pissed @ Sugar Coated Bullet Shooters

I write this in tears, with hurt, with bitterness and a lot more negative traits than one can ever imagine.

I’m confused as to how good, generous, kind and reachable a person can be. I sure faced fewer problems when I wore the Satanic IMAGE. But this ain’t an image, not another surreal transformation and I can’t go against it, but the people around me keep angering me to a point that I cannot silently, politely bear it all. Most of them who try to take advantage of the kindness are hardcore-so-called-Christians, and one is a Zoroastrian and another a so-called-righteous-Muslim. I have no problem with religion, cast and creed, but why I stated the differences was to make my point clear about all of us being in a fallen world, driven by avarice and the force spares none, not even the saved Christians, unless they really decide to break away. We are all prone to temptation; none is holier than the other (this includes myself)

I’d like to reveal four incidents that got me extremely depressed about our human nature, but something surely is stopping me from doing so).

I am not a saint myself, but just a teeny tiny blob in this universe who believes that He died to set me/us free.

Arrghh! The world is fallen beyond repair, I wish He Comes and Restores it before it is too late !

Conclusion :

(1) Don’t judge a book by its cover
(2) There is no smoke without a fire.
(3) Judging is not ours, but being cautious is.
(4) It’s ok to be paranoid (now go check that door lock for the 100th time)
(5) You can’t love your neighbor exactly like yourself, at least not in this era.
(6) It is O.K to be selfish in order to avoid unwanted issues…Flee…Run…HIDE !
(7) Do not listen to man (a good number of them are insane); listen to God, for there is no solution man can give you, for your ugly fallen state.
(8) You cannot be too nice to anyone, if you do, they’d rape you, mug you and eventually kill you.
(9) I will NOT multiply. Cute as em imps are I want NONE (I wouldn’t even let my dog lit a puppy in to this fallen system) !

I am angry, very angry, but am quite aware of all that I type right now. I have absolutely no regrets about what I have stated.

Note : Errm….em So-Called-Christians who are waiting to find fault would point out; that anger is not from the Lord (If so…. say it again…LOUD & CLEAR), coz anger is quite surely another emotion and a blessing by our maker. Jesus himself felt anger and so did his disciples. It is merely an outlet to flush the frustrations that enter us of the fallen world.

--> Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over - (P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.)

--> Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits - (Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar for 1894)

--> They are not all saints who use holy water - (English Proverb)

--> A great deal of what passes for current Christianity consists in denouncing other people's vices and faults - (Henry H. Williams)

Balu(Dog) War !

Jeffry & his wife came along and left one of their four dogs ‘Choo Choo Boo’ with us for a week, till next Saturday. We thought that the dog we already had, ‘Johnny’ would appreciate the company of a female dog (biatch), but alas, it didn’t seem so initially. We chained both the mongrels and slowly let them get to know each other. Tame as ‘Choo Choo Boo’ (CCB) is, he was all out to be buddies with mine, but the savage, possessive and ultra hyper ‘Johnny Boy’ just didn’t seem to hear of it. He first sniffed at the new playmate, and did the doggy dog thing and then pounced at poor frightened CCB. Dang ! There vanished all hopes of having the new dog over.

Spoke to a couple of people whether they’d like to help us out with looking after the fellow, to which Shyam finally agreed. Big relief! But thought we’d give CCB and Johnny one more chance before we gave CCB away to Shyam. So there Mummy was holding the chained ‘CCB’ who is all calm, scared & whiny and Daddy with the frowning, boisterous & jumpy Johnny.

Long spans of sniffing and quite a number of spit baths after, the two are finally buddies. Peace is finally dawned at the Kanagaratnam habitat. Phew! My Dog’s got a fiancé after 9 long years of waiting and trying to snatch the biatches on the road (who already belonged to some other mongrel). I hope they’d be playmates in the future than humping mates, coz all I saw ‘Johnny’ do was hump her and she shake him off.

Looks like Mummy is already contemplating on whether or not to keep the furry female with us for good. Does this call for horrible nightmares or a sweet site of some juicy animal romance? Only heaven knows.

Observations a coupla hours after : ‘Chooo Choo Boo’ seems to be having ticks and pregnant. Might not keep her after all. 'Johnny' deserves a fresh yummy lady, not an impregnated, infested, snob.

(Did I just feel a tick run across my back)…Yuck Yuck !!

He Still Haunts My World

Finally got my hands on ‘Broke Back Mountain’ & ‘Munich’. I’m yet to watch it though. What does my eyes fixate on at the movie store? A guy who’s a replica of ‘My Munkey’. He was as white and lean with the same gelled up stiff hair, but taller. That pale look on his face took me by surprise and knocked me off my senses. That was the end of the bright and sunny day…..

That wasn’t the only thing that put an end to my sunny day; my dinky toy let me down for the first time. It got stuck a few metres away from home, with a weak battery. Experienced the “Thallu Start” system for the first time as well. No! It ain’t a nice feeling to be stuck. Even though there was plenty of help, it still brings about a very creepy, isolated feeling. I still strongly believe that they should allow horse or bullock carts on the road again.

Heat Strokes

The heat is killing me, slowly, but surely steadily. I suffered quite a number of heat strokes yesterday and falling asleep (even with the fan on in full swing) was another torment by itself.

I detest the urban areas, I really do. I saw a minor accident yesterday. A van overtook from the left and hit a motorbike, which threw the passenger off the bike like a blob. It was then that it occurred to me that we are mere vegetables, nothing but lumps of cartilages. But the scary part is, we clumps of blobs are on an adventure to take on the earth (smirk).

I wish there were lesser vehicles, more trees. I wish Colombo were like it was 50 years back. No, I ain’t against the technological advances, all of them can still happen whilst preserving lovely nature. Where did we go wrong, at what point did we fail to notice and are some of us still blinded of the tragedy about to befall the nation (I say nation, coz I have no right to speak about global issues or I’d rather not make it my business coz I am more concerned about my country, the soil where I was born).

I wish we could go back to living in mud huts, ride bullock carts and get away from this rat race. It’s been almost a year since I’ve tried to break away, but not a chance, every body around me expects me to be a rat in the race, everybody around me keep dragging me forward every time I stop to take a break. One more year, they like or not, I will break away. I will stop running this race, the never-ending race of avarice, the need to own more, the latest, the best, and the flashiest. Arghhhhhhh! When will it ever end?

Environmentalists never made any sense to me before. I thought they were a bunch of jobless extremists who only cared about preserving nature, but boy! Weren’t they right all along? I fear to think what would become of us within the next decade. How long will we have the comforts of electricity, and fuel? Oh sure we have alternatives, but how long will they too survive? Have we exploited these God given gifts too fast too soon?

Just as much as I wanted to see an economic boom in Sri Lanka a few months back, I now believe the best leader is chosen to strengthen the agricultural sector. We don’t see it coming now; a scarcity of edibles will overtake us like a thief in the night. We may have the dough but have no food to eat, all the rivers will be soiled that we will be left with no clean fluids to lubricate us blobs.

I don’t now how, but I wish some one broke this system down, other than a power hungry political party of course. I wish our leaders as well as the citizens had genuine love for our country. The past few days, I’ve seen plenty posters carrying the slogan “Ape Kama” (My Tush)!. Why don’t we start up by cleaning up the garbage we scatter across the streets, why don’t we start by planting a tree in our premises? I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s not about the amount of trees we cut to make furniture, but the amount of trees we plant in return.

Never thought a simple heat stroke would get my mind this messed up !

Renovating the Cottage

The Wattala residence was finally sold yesterday, Praise be to my Master! We are officially homeless till we complete the buy at Panadura, so guess we’d be here for another 3 weeks, the most.

The thought of leaving itself has left me quite high, even though it has left the rest of the family in a grumpy mood. I never liked this house actually I hate it. I really, really do, may be even more than I hate my vegetables.

Finally decided on the colours to dress the cottage in Panadura, but still contemplating on whether or not to tile it. Went tile hunting today and boy! Didn’t it get my head spinning?

Naveen Ceramics – Customer service is unheard of here and prices are the same as any other major tile importer.

Rocell (a.k.a Royal Ceramics) – Daddy seems to be quite taken back by their quality, but as for me, I am totally knocked out by their price. They are thrice as much as the imported tiles. Sri Lankan product of a high quality at unaffordable prices as usual

Y2K Ceramics – Superb customer service, but the prices aren’t any lower than the rest of the importers and not too much of a selection.

Terracotta – Even though this is my personal favourite out of the list of preferences it’s the same price as the ceramic tile, more fragile and needs more maintenance. My folks seem to be totally against it.

Overall, tiles are too freaking expensive, I think I’ll probably go ahead with an alternative.

I got to wait till I build my own house to get it my way. Kabok boundary, rugged walls and granite floor and curtains made outa gunny. May be I’m exaggerating a wee bit, but this is exactly what’s on my mind. Any attempts to implement them right now would definitely leave me homeless.

I couldn’t help noticing a house down Horton Place, a few yards before Barista. Simple as it is from the outside, the house that was once white is now painted “samara”. It looks just amazing, but the walls have been tainted by a bright purple, which takes away the rugged, earthy look of the entire house. Arrghhh….I hate ultra clashing colour combination. Sure I’m no expert, but guess I like it that way.

Just as much as renovating or building a house is tiring, it sure has the ability to give the owner a sense of SATISFACTION and leave her with a BUZZ. I’m loving it, just as much as I’m hating it.

Other than that, I got my hands on two must read books today :

"Gods That Fail – by Vinoth Ramachandra"
His wife, Karin, who is my lecturer, recommended this book at the last weeks lecture. I’m still to grasp the book, but reading a few pages from all over the book, I just can’t wait to claw it down.

"It’s About Time - by Ken Smith"
Came across this book by accident, but I am loving every word in it. It is more like a self-help book, which is a must read for every Christian. It helps one think rationally about how to strike a balance in the day-to-day life, how to handle procrastination (I sure have a PhD in it), anxiety and over commitment. I believe I found this book at the correct time to rearrange my ultra messed up schedule.

Do We Practice What We Preach ?!?

Feel the rain on your skin, No one else can feel it for you, Only you can let it in, No one else, no one else, Can speak the words on your lips, Drench yourself in words unspoken, Live your life with arms wide open, Today is where your book begins, The rest is still unwritten.
-(Unwritten – Natasha Bedinfield)-

Can’t find the answers, I’ve been crawling on my knees, Looking for anything, To keep me from drowning. Promises have been turned to lies, Can’t even be honest inside, Now I’m running backward, Watching my life wave me goodbye.
-(Running Blind – Godsmack)-

Two contradicting tracks by two artists who are worlds apart. One, absolutely bright and sunny and the other pointing directions at the dingy, dark alleys. The first one gave me hope whilst the second tore them apart. I guess it’s all about seeing the glass half empty or half full.

Yesterday was the last class on “Christian Worldview” with Karin Ramachandra. I gave her the books written by Rebecca Brown, coz I wanted to hear her opinion on the confusing content. The books state a very rigid way of looking at God’s entire creation & I ain’t liking it. Yesterday’s class made quite a massive impact on me; coz the discussion was about “relationships with the non-believers and the outside world”.

It sure wasn’t a pretty discussion, coz I was being convicted every few seconds about my past behavior towards people who didn’t share the same worldview. I’m more than convinced that just as much as it is my business to tell my loved ones about what I’ve found, I have no right to shove anything down their throat, even through pure love, but I so wish and wish they’d see the truth, before it is too late.

During the discussion, I sorted a few arguments that were tormenting my mind for days.....

(1) Just as much as Christians are uncomfortable participating in religious ceremonies held by non-believers, even marriage ceremonies, how come we insist all the guest to participate the ceremony held at church, followed by a sermon/mass to solemnize a Christian marriage. We Christians sure act selfish most of the time and that’s a fact. It’s all about us and our feelings.

What got me thinking in these lines was nothing more than a Hindu wedding I was forced to attend on Friday. I was feeling a lil awkward to make it for the wedding at all, but since I had no choice (former neighbours) I reluctantly tagged along with my family. I was relived to find out that the wedding wasn’t held in a temple after all, but in a hall. The rituals followed were fascinating to watch, even though they seemed over-rated. I got talking with Mum about what was running through my mind and oh boy! Didn’t she get a shock, coz she’s the type of person who’d think about what others would think and think twice before breaking the traditions.

But it was sure a relief to hear Karin agree with what I stated. We could make alterations according to our convictions after all.

(2) The worldview of most of the churches are quite flawed and they have no right to tie me or anyone else down to a certain denomination. Just as much as I respect the traditional churches I don’t agree with most of the stuff they do. It’s hard for me to agree, even if I try. I hate the whole concept of a rigid mass/service chanted for an hour like some sorta mantra. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I also hate the whole idea of Christian’s being split in to different denominations and churches. I for a fact don’t wanna belong to any of these. It’s a pity that most mature Christian’s still stick like glue to the man made law/rule that every Christian must belong to some sorta denomination.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : So Judy girl, which church do you belong to?

Moi : I’m non denominational.

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : Ah? What are you saying? How come? No..no..no..you must belong to some sorta denomination, or how come you're doing the course at CTS?

Moi : Errmm… Alright, I go to 'Four Square Church', and I go to 'AOG' and I go every where else (grin grin. Smirk)

Sir-I’m-too-holy-for-my-Halo : You must eventually belong to a church, you MUST !

I don’t really see the point of doing so, I believe I have the right to walk in to any church any day and praise God with the rest of the people, share their joy (& sorrow of course). What is behind the whole man made concept of BELONGING to a certain church or denomination? “Are they greedy for our “tithe”? (I wonder)

The latter day churches are counting the number of people turning up just like a farmer would count his eggs. This is saddening! They do not love the congregation with all their heart; most are money and power hungry. This is the truth and I don’t fear to speak it.

We are just as flawed & tainted, twisted are our minds and dirty are our hearts. We claim to believe the truth but refuse to live it.

It scares me to know that I’ve been living with a flawed worldview for the past one year. If only the church taught me about the love of God and the Joy I would receive through the Holy Spirit, the beauty of the Creator as well as the Creation and about the Hope I could hold on to, I wouldn’t have made half the mistakes I made in my past.

Sadly The Catholic Church I attended till I was 14 and the Charismatic Church I attended for the past one year has failed to teach me so. So have they failed to teach the same to my parents and their generation and the previous. They are incarnated with rigid, false ideas that don’t help the act of love, joy and peace at all times. They have not been taught to put God First in their lives.

I remember all the stories about Abraham, Jacob and the gang, but not once did any one of them in authority teach me “Who I was”?, “What my Purpose was”? and “Where I was going”?.

I’m angered, even though I shouldn’t be. I wish I were of some authority to change the way the churches thought, the way they projected themselves, the way they loved and behaved. They got so much to offer and I am thankful for what ever I have learnt from them, but at the same time I am disappointed and saddened by the fact that they refuse to live out the truth.

Me think me am gonna make an attempt to live it out even if it means, getting my name tarnished and daggered down :

A Strange Desire

A strange desire is born, or implanted rather, by my Maker. A desire I have detested and run away from all these years. A desire to step out of the country for a while. I applied to a college online, in the same county as where my aunt lives. I actually applied with no expectation of a reply, but what do I see sitting in my in-box today? A mail from the college! I don’t know what I should be expecting or what next I oughta be doing other than going with the flow, but I’m completely at peace with my self, which is an assurance that em heavenly hands are at work. This is sure an answer to my pleas of one whole year and I never even asked for anything in this line. I hate to leave the country other than on a holiday. I just can’t handle it for more than a week. I wonder how it will go, coz it will probably be for about 6 months – 1 year. I only hope it wouldn’t be more coz even this sounds terribly unbearable.

P - Pray
U - Until
S - Something
H – Happens

The above makes a lot more sense to me now.

--> Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. (Jeremiah 33 :3)

Sour Grapes

I’m just coming out of another blanked-out season of hibernation. Was juggling with driving people around, splitting my attention on a coupla books whilst trying to compile some bizarre worldviews tormenting my mind. Em bizarre thoughts always look good on paper whilst miraculously relieving my mind. (I am yet to understand the mechanism of this therapy).

Things are falling in to place in a miraculous way. I’m glad that I waited upon my Master than attempt to screw things up with my puny human intelligence. Intelligence and human ways are sweet, but when things are just beyond me and I just can’t think straight, It’s always nice to hand over the steering to my Father in heaven, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. And yes, I can’t think straight coz my hyperactivity has definitely got the better of me and thrown me absolutely outa focus. It really does scare me coz I know for a fact that my mind, body and soul aren’t in connection with one another when so. I can’t seem to shake off the mist and bring it back to connectivity. I’m curious to know where this whole thing is leading, since every day is a new adventure with my Captain. His playfulness is unfathomable most of the time. It just cracks me.

He caught my eye the first day I walked in to that place. He was everything I wanted, just everything I ever dreamed of. The fact that there actually is a possibility for em feelings to be mutual just knocks me off myself. Why am I kicking myself hard and trying to resist these feelings I feel? He’s already got a girly in his arms. SOUR GRAPES !!! Sigh…

I nudged God with the age old prayer of “Father, why did you have to send this dude now, and why with a woman…arrghhh…help me focus coz I know I can’t have him. Numb these feelings I feel for him and keep me far away from him” It worked fine for a coupla of weeks, but they are back again, it’s impossible to ignore em. It’s crazy coz as usual it is just a mere fascination and nothing beyond that. I want his attention whilst at the same time don’t want him. I know it’s selfish, but that’s the truth. All in all It’s nice to know that I am still capable of at least fascinating somebody, I know that my feelings aren’t dead.

Me took a tickle test for the hang of it a coupla days back.......

Quiz - ”What’s your type?” [My TUSH !]
Result - Forget Mr. Average! You go for the artistic type!

Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique man who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words, music, or attire. You're attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms. He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his "inner self". You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this man knows how to make you feel special. He's in touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!

This man sounds too perfect to exist. Artists have always managed to captivate me. An artist in my mind isn’t just a painter or anything in that line. It could very well be a con artist, writer, poet, musician, interior designer, architect, a jungle John…etc. Fascinating as they are, their mood swings and the fact that they like to secure their space freaks me out. They could knock you off your feet and at the same time make you feel miserable to the extent of putting you through a suicidal bout. I am enjoying my space too much to let any frog take a leap at it.

Apart from the usual muddle, I’m all thrilled about shifting to Panadura and redecorating the cottage. If there is anyone who has a sharp eye for colour and want to share their expertise, I’m open to hear out em opinions.

He Hasn't Failed Me Yet

"Jesus’ Blood Never Failed Me Yet" I love this song sung by ‘Jars of Clay’. NO…He has never failed me, he came to my rescue even before the clock struck it’s 11th hour so that I could scream his name out loud for all to hear. He did not put me to shame but kept his promise. He sure is my friend, the lover of my soul and all that I need to exist down here on earth. He is my walking stick, my wheel chair my vitamin & my Prozac.

I wish I had more ways to express my joy than pour it over my blog. I wish my loved ones too would open the eyes of their heart and welcome this amazing friend I’ve found to dwell in them. I wish they would yearn to experience the joy I myself feel. Nothing compares to it, nothing ever will. The following is another track by 'Jars of Clay' that touched the roots of my heart.

(Faith Like a Child)
Dear God, surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

I can’t stop talking about him. I did want to stop one time, thinking that I just might offend the non bilievers, but NO…nothing would ever stop me now. Wouldn’t you keep harping about a better half who surprised you with a Ferrari Enzo, when all you could afford was a Bajaj two-wheeler.

It’s amazing how Jesus is never too late or never too early. I almost burst out laughing reading John 11 last night. It makes me happy to know that my creator really is quite cheeky and is capable of playing a few practical jokes with his creation. How boring would life be otherwise?

What are you waiting on God for today? Relief? Provision? Direction? God's timing is always perfect. Hang in there, don’t lose hope, he will never fail you nor forsake you. There is beauty in his silence and splendor in his mysteriousness.

Give Him a chance to BLOW YOUR MIND !

Quote…..
So if I stand let me stand on the promise You will pull me through,
And if I can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You,
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs,
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.
Unquote……(If I Stand – Jars of Clay)

Once a Rotter Not Always a Rotter :)

I’m shocked at the petite mistakes that are brought to my notice every waking day. It’s a joy to be convicted of the errors that I have been warming my bum on in ignorance.

Brutally blunt as I am, I tend to dagger out exactly what I think of people and situations. I just had my own opinions and explanations for every thing that passed me by. Every question had an answer and every problem had a solution & every one who asked for advice heard exactly what I would have done in the particular situation they are currently facing (and be convinced that my way was the only way)......Dang!

I did attempt to change when I was a Satanist, since I was rigidly following “The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth” and the first one being “Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked”, but it wasn’t long until I slipped back to my ‘Highly opinionated, Ultra Protective Nature’, since there was no basis to these teachings I followed and it wasn't a practical way to lead one's life.

Their problems were my problems, I had to protect everything I loved and knew. If someone asked me to recommend a certain person who had played or even attempted to play a crude game somewhere down the line (once, twice or a gazillion times), I’d just tell the truth and warn them against dealing with the certain individual (especially in business and financial dealings). I always thought this was right, until I was convicted today. May be I was slandering their name leaving them with no second chance to rectify their mistakes. This conviction also included me labeling people to be :

(1) Wannabes / Poseurs
(2) Bitches
(3) Players
(4) Stingy Misers
(5) Gay / Lesbian
(6) Ultra Horny
(7) Jerks
(8) Losers
(9) Proud / Wicked / Jealous / Haughty…the list goes on…

Practicing to hush and not judge people ain’t no easy job, especially with the big (harly) mouth I’m blessed with, but what is wrong is wrong and what has to be changed needs to be changed. I must find ways and means to warn people in a diplomatic way (shrewd as it sounds, warning just has to be done sometimes).

This also brings to my notice that revealing another individual’s true nature just shouldn’t be my business no more (unless of course it brings about justice to a worthy cause).

Why would I want to confide in any one what I wouldn’t want the public to know, when I got my Captain in heaven to discuss all the confidential issues with. This way, one has nothing to hide. Reminds me of Pastor Hans sharing about how one must be transparent and reachable at all times during the “General Epistles” class last week. It did take me by surprise, since I was used to being a tad lil bit of a loner and preffered operating undercover (disagree with me you may…hehee...but really! I am a loner) and I sure have a habit of hiding myself in hibernation every once in awhile.

Conclusion : - If I say I believe in him and claim that I am made in his image, who am I to judge mere humans. If He is merciful enough to forgive me, who am I to say that I’d never forgive another. If My Father did change a filthy sinner like I in to something better who am I to underestimate his power to change another. If I claim “Nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1 :37) who am I to say “once a rotter always a rotter”.

--> If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1 :9)

--> I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Gal 2 : 20)

--> For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self- discipline. (2 Timothy 1 : 7)

Em Thrada Drivers & Thrada Lingo (",)

Who were em four giddy heads in a white wagon that screeched away recklessly and irresponsibly around Moratuwa this morning? & Who was dat ridiculous ‘Shaggy’ impersonator who was driving a loud mouthed, hot pink Lancer that couldn’t move faster than a tortoise, but still thought it was cool to block my path? The pinky sure reminded me of colourful ‘babul’ or rather candy floss (“bombai-muttai” according to Grams) Hmmmpphhh…Show offs!

Me actually managed to post a short blog…Bamboo Shhoooot ! I‘m just too excited for words. Another ona em happa weeks.

Errrm….why do I see my language getting all thrada) ?!??

I'm Going Potash :)

I meant "potta as" (blind eyed/blurry eyed) :) It's just high time that I invest on a pair of specas coz I don't think my eyes can take up any more postponing. Hmmm......I hate em glasses, I've been on em before...I just hate em! But it has come to a point that moi is having probs behind the wheel. I just can't see a thing sometimes (that freaks me out). Since of late it has even overtaken me writing and reading. I guess it's something to do with focusing...Arghhhh. This sure is a reminder nudging me "Yo girl! age is catcging up, isn't it"?

Another Encounter With "My Munkey"

Today was quite a messy & hectic day, so was this whole week. But today was different. Left half an hour early to Bible College (that’s at 8 a.m) just so that I could begin to practice punctuality, only to find a 40 foot container fallen right across the road creating a mega traffic block. Dang !!! My coming early was worthless, got to the class 10 minutes late as usual…Sigh !

It was burning hot and humid that all I wanted to do was go home and chill, but heard that Aunty Vasanthi was discarding some books before she shifted to her new place and wanted me to come pick up what I wanted. Wowy !!! Em books were marvelous, Encyclopedias, Dictionaries and series & series of books. I felt like a billionaire coz em books would sure cost around 25’000.00 or more if I were to buy it from the stores now.

Came home and fell flat asleep for more than 3 hours straight, only to figure out that I had promised Razor that I’d be turning up at the Autolanka get together. The sticky weather tempted me to stay in and chill, but got in to some grubby clothing and dashed away to greet the waiting Razor…hehehe. It was all good, em guys with RPM on their mind were a tad incomprehensive though.

Tried to make an excuse for not turning up at Jeremy’s party coz “My Munkey” would be there, but since he insisted, me went with sweaty palms and butterflies in me stomach coz I was sure it would be an awkward, long party. I was so wrong, “My Munkey” came and spoke to me, he looked mysterious as ever & my heart shattered in to smithereens, coz he wasn’t mine (& never will be) . Will he ever belong to anyone else? He looked quite straight; I couldn’t digest the fact that he was inclined the other way. We danced awhile, and that seemed to be the best moment in my entire life.

I couldn’t hang in there for long watching him. What we had was lost and he would be gone before I know it. Gone forever. Why him! I keep wondering. May be coz he is just so unreachable, untouchable and unfathomable. I sure thought that I could rest in peace once I knew for sure, but it just isn’t so. This will always, always remained an unfinished story. I wonder if I’d forget about him totally and move on once I fall in love with another……..I wonder, wonder…I keep wondering……

Blemished :(

Drained & dysfunctional as I am these days I pounce on any book that appear to have info in the line of “Why bad things happen to good people”. Just as the world around me is falling apart, the faith, which was stronger than the strongest foundation too is suffering (at least to a certain extent). Conversing with my “Father” has been hideously difficult (usual story, spiritual ups and downs). I’ve been waiting upon him, crying out to him, pleading my way out of whatever sin I had committed. It’s been a good long year since I’ve come to know him, but the battle still remains.

I sometimes have half a mind to question........

“God, would you really care if I turn my back on you again, coz you act like you just don’t care about me. Can’t you see me suffering? All I do is strive to do your will, keep your word, spread your word and live for you, but it still feels like you are downright ignoring me. Father, Why do you still keep whipping me harder and harder everyday, WHY? You know what? Turning away from you ain’t that hard and I just might do it. I wonder if you are really there at all?”

These were my passive thoughts, but thoughts so true. Oh boy ! How I regret em thoughts. I really should be shot with my own shit for being the ungrateful vixen I am. Even though I pleaded for forgiveness for my unholy thoughts and was convinced that He forgave me, I still felt a traitor. He who has brought me so far, will surely take me safely towards victory.

My thoughts ran back to the 1 Peter study we did last week about suffering. (What my suffering is in this case, I shall no state, for it is only He who knows it until I’m told to testify about His goodness and mercy and about how he brought me safe through it all, for it is He who deserves all glory, and all glory goes only unto Him).

--> “This suffering is all apart of the work God has given you, Christ, who suffered for you is your example. Follow in his steps: He never sinned, never told a lie, never answered back when insulted; when he suffered he did not threaten to get even; he left his case in the hands of God who always judges fairly". (1 Peter 2 : 21-23)

The reason I had felt like an outcast was because I had forgotten His lovely attributes (of love) and I wanted signs and miracles just like the rest of them rather than walking by pure FAITH.

The two books I picked up, which I’m reading simultaneously (terrible way of reading, I know…eerrm…I’m actually juggling four…hehehe) were certainly helping me understand the adverse situations and why they are permitted.

Be Confident – by Warren W. Wiersbe (Bible Study on Hebrews)
If God is in Control (Why is My World Falling Apart)? – by Verna Birkey

Even after reading a gazillion books, I would still remain clueless as to why adversities happen around me, but I would learn better to thrust (I emphasize) all my cares on him and smile, coz………

--> “I know in all things God works for the Good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8 :28)

This means that He will see to it that all conditions (good & bad) will eventually work together for good. (Note that this doesn’t say that God causes all things to happen nor say all circumstances happen for good. Grrrrrr….but don’t I wish it was so)

This is the verse that the first few chapters of “If God is in Control” is built on, and to confirm the promise I claimed I got the same verse from the stack of “Random Bible Versus” from which I pick one a day to see what I can derive form it.

I can only smile (aloud) for God sure has been turning all adverse situations in my life from day one for the better (I can’t fathom why & how I’m writing this ultra sweet entry about God & his goodness when I’m drowning in utter muck even as I scribble)

I remember asking Ivor Phoobalan two weeks back in class if it was wrong for one to cry out to the Lord to lessen the weight of one's yoke or to take it away completely. His answer included the following scriptures.

--> “My Father ! If it is possible, let this cup be taken away from me, but I want your will, not mine” (Matthew 26 : 39)

According to the Bible, Jesus cried out to Lord the Father thrice with the same plea in the garden grove of Gethsemane before he was seized for crucifixion.

--> “Eli Eli, lama sabachthani / My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" ? (Matthew 27 : 46)

The very last words Jesus uttered while hanging on the cross when GOD the Son himself felt that God the (his own) Father had forsaken him.

"In my brokenness, I cried out to the Lord, to comfort me and hide me someplace away from this world and ZAP, it was He and I, just He and I. We spoke, we laughed, and it was one of those moments I’d remember forever. Yet the thorns that were wrapped around me continued to wrap themselves tighter. The thorns were eating deep in to my skin, almost touching my frail bones & I felt the horrifying pain. I didn’t understand why? I questioned him, but all he did was smile and stroke my hair till I finally fell in to a conscience sleep in His powerful arms. I don’t remember much, other than the two sensations I felt, the pain from the brambles crushing my skin and His love I felt with every stroke that swept my hair. My world was finally peaceful for I was assured that as long as He held me in His arms, he was in control".

The Ordeal Down Pettah

I reluctantly undertook a local deal a friend palmed on to me. Local deals always require a number of filthy trips down Pettah (Reclamation Rd, 2nd cross street, 3rd cross street, Main street to name a few) to catch up with me suppliers.

I usually make sure that my ass is well covered and I that look like I am draped in sack cloth, which I didn’t bother with this time. Covered or revealed, I still used to get harassed in the past; due to the wrangly Afro hair I had, which was tainted with colour. (Conclusion : Em perverts are gonna harass me anyway)

Parked the dinky toy at the fish market car park (where I was forced to park it in the dingiest corner, which was covered with crow shit and fish scales) and made our way slowly towards 2ndCross Street. Daddy dearest was as usual galloping a few miles in front of me, begging him to go slow was just not gonna work, he’d forget and start galloping all over again…Hmmm. We reach the dingy alleys and I’m already panting. I can clearly hear comments from “Ahhh sexy’ to Tamil and Singhalese songs about love and I just can’t help grinning, (keeping a straight face has never been my forte) but it annoys me at the same time as to how exposed they can make a woman feel.

I walked down the filthy streets trying my best to avoid, betel dribble, pure saliva, food particles, muck and heavily loaded carts charging straight at me, whilst trying to keep up with my Dad. It sure was a horrible and frustrating experience, especially since my friend kept changing the specifications of the goods he required….Argh!!!

My ultra smart Dad suggested we take a shorter route back to the car park….grrrrrr…the so called shorter route was more congested than the rest of the roads, more gross and sure accommodated more perverted men. I was freaked out about my ass being pinched (I half expected a lil scene coz I had already hit boiling point with all the comments and wanted to smash some loser’s face with my humungous bag (malla).

I drove out of the wretched hellhole swearing to never sight it again as well as to never undertake local deals.

The Mega Mystery, Finally Solved !!!

My Sweet Ex-Ma-In-Law calls me yesterday for official reasons, but the conversation as usual takes it turn to speaking about her son. I wonder to me self if she thinks I’m a traitor and whether it looks like I dumped her kid out of sheer bitchiness. I slowly pick up courage and mumble junk about what happened last. I pick up more courage and at a snail's pace tell her that I have something to clarify about a series of emails I stole from him 2 years back. She sounds relieved, and says she wants to clarify something in the same line with me. Appointments were made to meet her up at her office to compare notes.

I feel nervous and yet all exuberant and hyper at the same time, while I crookedly park the car right in the middle of the road and dash upstairs to her office. I can finally know the truth and move on with my dear life. My palms are sweating and so are my feet. I nervously go and wait outside till she is done with a telephone conversation. I dash in to her cozy room the minute she calls my name (hugs and kisses…mmmvah). I’m wondering how to start the whole thing (I am sure convinced that he is sexually inclined the wrong way, but it is her that I am worried about, does she already know? If not how will she take it?). She is one amazing lady, the M-I-L of my dreams :)

I begin by showing her the mails, and explaining about the three-year on-off relationship we had (without a spec of intimacy). She begins sharing the lil bit of info she has, sms’s from guys, (overheard) telephone conversations he has with guys till the break of dawn, rumours, incidents from the past. It is definite now that her son ain’t straight; she couldn’t cope up and eventually breaks down. It ain’t anything new to me, but I heave a sign of relief, coz the suspense, suspicions and insecurities were hauled away. I felt renewed to know that all this wasn’t my fault.

Even as I drive out of there, I search my soul and question the past. What did we have? What exactly did he feel every time he said “Love U”? What did the gazillion tapes he made for me, mean? Did he deceive me, Did I feel deceived? How did this go on for three years? Do I still feel the same kind of love for him now, after all this drama? YES, without a shadow of a doubt. Untainted, uncorrupted LOVE in it’s purest form. Will I ever experience it all over again?

I remember one time when we fell asleep after aimlessly staring at a coupla movies, he grips the bedcover, hides his face in the pillow and muttered, “I can’t give you what I want”. Even though I pretend not to understand, I did, but I simple didn’t care. Just sitting therewith him meant the world to me. It didn’t matter that we didn’t hold hands and it didn’t matter that I didn’t feel desired. All that mattered was what I saw in him, a beautiful creature staring back at me…Hmmmm

I move on only coz I must. Come what may, he will still hold that special place in my heart, BUT I’m finally free from all the baggage that burdened my soul, free to love again and live again :)